Issue with a friend after babysitting......

[Madi]

Ok, this might be a long one, but I really need some advice……
One of my very good friends has a little boy (Joey) a week older than Hudson (8 months). We’ve had a few agree to disagree moments about our parenting styles, the most memorable being when she decided to introduce farex, formula, and controlled crying at 10 weeks all within two days. :eek:

I’ve had a bit of odd guilt about our bubs, because she seems to have a difficult one, where as Hudson is a really easy baby (as far as I’m concerned). Her bub is always cranky and grizzly, he doesn’t nap properly during the day, doesn’t eat well, crys all the time, and is often up to all hours of the night refusing to sleep. I’ve stopped going over to her place very often because the crying unsettles Hudson.

Over the easter weekend, we babysat her bub while her and hubby went to a wedding down the coast. We had him for three days and two nights, and I was a bit nervous about coping, but I knew James would be here to look after Hudson and I could just concentrate on Joey.

Well, it was just wonderful. In all honesty, it made me want to have twins!! I basically just put Joey into Hudson’s routine, and both of them were great. Joey ate well, napped well, he had a bath, a feed, and went to bed at seven, the same time as Hudson, and he slept right through till six the next morning, both nights! He was like a different bub. I gave him lots of cuddles, talked to him and played with him, just like I normally do with Hudson. He didn’t grizzle once. The only time I heard him cry was for about fifteen minutes straight after his mum left, and then that was it! :yelclap:
When she picked him up yesterday, we didn’t have a chance to chat, but we’re catching up later today. I have two questions:
1. What do I tell her about how he behaved?? I don’t want to imply to her that she is a bad parent, and his crankiness is her fault, but I do believe that it’s pretty obvious now that he needs more sleep and maybe more attention during the day.
2. Should I suggest some tips to her?? I found that he was really happy to eat my homemade baby food, but he turns up his nose at the store bought stuff she feeds him. The first day, I had to resettle him down for his nap about 10 times, but I never let him cry, just kept soothing him and laying him back down and eventually he went off for two hours solid. My friend usually just lets him cry to sleep or gets him back up to play if he grizzles.

I don’t know what to do!!!! Does anyone have any advice??

Thanks for reading this novel. :) (mods, I wasn't sure where to put this, hope here is ok)

[the_queen]

This is a tough situation. Maybe just wait until she asks "how was he?" etc etc, and be honest - without giving her advice. Just tell her what you did, and how he responded. eg "He loved the mashed pumpkin I just cooked up in the steamer for him" without adding "if you didn't feed him that store-bought c.rap maybe he'd eat more for you", do you know what I mean? Just say what happened, without adding what she may see as judgements on her parenting.
:hugs: Tough situation.

[Jax Tellers Old Lady]

Thats a hard one i have been in situations where i have felt like saying things to some parents but then stopped as i knew if someone was telling me how to do things i wouldnt react well. My neice is like that baby where as my son is a dream he takes well to routines and sleeps well at night too. I would just tell her about your weekend with joey but not in a way that you are telling her what she should be doing. Maybe after the three days without him she will be refreshed and appreciaite him more and will give him more attention during the day. Goodluck i just suggest that if you are going to give her advice be very tactful as it could get nasty. goodluck. Its great to hear that Hudson is such a good boy:thumbsup:

[Mummabear]

Hmm, that's a hard one. Firstly :yelclap: for taking on another bub to look after for several days. I'd be a mess, lol.

Perhaps just casually mention that you weren't sure what to do so you just put him into Hudson's routine and it appears that he loved it because he was an angel all weekend. Then ask her if she wants you to go through or write down Hudson's routine for her.

It's really hard, no one wants to be told how to parent their baby, and no one especially wants to be told that what they're doing isn't right.

I'd just be honest with her - tell him that he was fantastic all weekend, that you'd babysit him again any time and tell her exactly what you did with him, perhaps not so much in making a point in telling her how to care for her son, but say it in a way that you're just letting her know what you did with her son so she knows everything that happened over the weekend. Damn, I'm not making sense. Ummm, like with the food - make a point of saying that you gave him home made vegies because that was all you had, and you hope that's okay with her, he seemed to love it and this is what was in it, incase he appears to have any reactions. Then with the bed time, mention about the bath and 7pm bed time and then say that if he appears grizzly at that time over the next few days perhaps it's because you put him to sleep then. Am I making sense yet :laughing:

Anyhoo - I'd just be honest about how good he was (not in a bragging sort of way, but in a way that says what a great baby he is) and take it from there. If she wants to know what you did and how it worked that's great, but if she doesn't, you can't make her care.

:ecomcity: Well done if you got anything constructive out of that load of babble :o

[Carlz]

Definately a hard situation to be in :eek:

I would ask her how he went after she got him home again and if she says he was great then i wouldn't bother trying to tell her, but if he seems to have gone back to being unsettled just be honest, tell her not to take anything the wrong way, tell her what you found worked when he stayed with you and suggest she gives it a go and see if it works for her!?

If she's a good friend she won't take it personal, we all want our babies to be happy and need advice / help from friends and family.:p

[mysonroger]

good morning madi. firstly, i'm so glad to be on bh at the moment because it gives me a break from DD who has been ill all easter......shhhh...she's asleep right now.
firstly.......i would only give advice to my friend if she asked for it. it's one of those delicate areas......... but do tell her how great the boy (forgotten name already) was and good it was for hudson because they played, ate and slept together like close little mates (she'll be able to work out that he went on to hudson's routine) . i like the idea about saying 'hope you don't mind but i gave him steamed pumpkin because we didn't have any jarred food (which she must have expected if she didn't leave you jars). and unless she specified a routine of her own, then she must have expected hudson's routine also.

unless you sense that she's ready or open to advice i would leave it alone and don't worry about it. you can tell when they want help. and it may be possible that if you have a settled baby compared to hers, she might not want advice especially from you because of a little jealousy??? .you know how human nature works.

now i'm crapping on. i reckon just not to worry about it because you might have a situation on your hands ...and to be honest, who needs it.
you're a lucky mum, and a good one too. pat yourself on the back, and one more easter egg aint gonna hurt.

[lizzymcfizzy]

I think the other girls here have summed it up well! I know its hard because you want whats best for Joey and want to see him happy.

I wouldn't try and actively give her tips. Just tell her how well things went.
As the last person said, she probably feels a bit insecure that your baby is so good and hers plays up all the time. Your probably not the person she'd want advice from. But how close is your friendship? Maybe she'd appreciate it.

Try not to come across as saying her parenting ideas are wrong. Consider it like your mother in law having a go at you - not nice. They are what she has chosen and although it doesnt seem to work for her son you don't see him every night and every day. Things mightn't be as bad as she makes out and he might have just had a good weekend. It is possible he just enjoyed the different company too!

Maybe it shows the difference between you and your friend as mothers - maybe babies feel more comfortable with you? Is your friend not all that maternal?

Now that I think about that, I think it would be best if you didn't actively say anything obvious to her.

Please let us know how you get on!!

gosh I hope my conflicted opinion helps somehow! :o

[poshBecks]

Remember too , that kids tend to eat, sleep & behave better when they are with kids their own age or similar. They learn by example. So dont be too hard on your friend. I know Connor ate his dinner so well last night coz we had friends over for tea & they have 2 little boys... normally tea time is a struggle for us.

Just let her know how much of a good boy he was. She'll appreciate knowing he wasn't badly behaved for you. If she asks then tell her some "tips" otherwise leave it. :)

[bec79]

I agree with the other ladies. My DD was a very unsettled bub for the first 6-7 months..infact she has only just become much more content in herself. Those 6 months were very difficult for me. If anyone had more success in settling her, I was all ears! I'm sure your friend will appreciate any suggestions/advice you have to offer.

[brooke]

what a hard situation to be in....

I personally wouldnt say anything... everyone knows babies are almost always better for everyone else or when some one else is around... its always the way.

if she asks for advice then give it.... nicely... its a very touchy area.
but otherwise i would keep quite... everyones parenting styles are different and just because one person does something different to another doesnt make it wrong or right...

well done for looking after two bubs... :yelclap: :yelclap:
but i would maybe hold off on the twins for a while.... LOL :laughing:

[SassyMummy]

I'd let her know that he was PERFECT for you. If she asks "how" or whatever... then continue to explain how you did it. If she just replies with an "oh that's good" kind of response...then I'd leave it at that. She'll let you know with her answer as to whether or not she's ready to accept advice.

I would avoid things like "Perhaps you could try" or "He seemed to like"...because if someone said something like that to me about my DD I'd immediately think "What the hell? This woman doesn't know more about my own baby than I do!" and ignore the rest of what you say, just because I'd feel attacked.

Instead, just let her know what you did. It's just factual, not direct advice. If you say, "Well, I played with him for a bit, then he ate some home-made vege mash..." then she can figure out that perhaps those things work. She doesn't need you to tell her "This works. Do it." She'll be smart enough to follow your lead if she really wants to improve his behaviour.

If she doesn't, then that's really up to you. Her parenting choices are her own... and while you may not agree with some of them, it's not your choice to make.

[jessgray]

i think a childs behaviour is a reflection of the parents like if mum is stressed bub will be a bit cranky if you get me. i have a fairly easy going DS he doesnt cry unless something is really bothering him like teething or he is sick.

i dont think i would be offened if someone told me how DS was when he was being looked after. i always ask his day care how he was.it gives me a rough idea on what to exepct for a few hours after day care :laughing:

that being said i would just say a quick run down of how he was while with you would be good. tell her how he slept and ate well and had a great day :)

[Tam-I-Am]

At the end of the day, does Joey's behaviour or routine really impact that greatly on your life - because if it does then you need to say something. If it doesn't then I would avoid doing so, unless you want to lose a friend. I know how I would react if somebody tried to tell me what to do with my DD - no matter how well intentioned the advice was. I realise that you care for this child and feel that he benefited from your care over the weekend - but it doesn't sound like he's being mistreated, just not being treated in a manner that you would chose to do so.

[Madi]

Sorry this is a bit late, but I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice :D

Things went really well with my friend, I just told her how good Joey had been, and how well he'd done everything and she just couldn't believe it! She asked me what my trick was. lol.
I just told her what we'd done and how it seemed to suit him, adding that the girls on bubhub said that sometimes babies go along better with another bub. We had a really good talk, because a lot of things she wants to do, her mum and her sister tell her she can't. They are always giving advice, which is fine, but a lot of it seems out of date or just easy to say, but not so easy to do. :rolleyes: I suggsted that the best thing to do is join bubhub and have a look at what current mums are up to :thumbsup:
Since then I think she's been lurking..... so I can't say too much now lol. Joey's been really good and my friend has been trusting more in her instincts and doing what she wants to do not what she's getting told to do, so I think that's really made a big difference.

Thanks again guys.:yelclap:

[jo_hannaleigh]

all i can say is that maybe he is more uneasy then it is that she is not a good mother.. like maybe he is nervous in his own enviorment . i think she might mention that he was great for u and maybe give her a few simple suggestions to make life easier for her rather than making it seem like critisism. :fingerscrossed: ...you should maybe try to make her feel like hey girl he is a good baby let me tell you what worked for me when i babysat just kinda non shalauntly mention ur progress with him if in the next few days she mentions her uncomfortability with his behavior... good luck any how whatever you decide to do with it!!! joh i am due on april 25 2006 (tomorrow)

[lizzymcfizzy]

thats great to hear Madi! :thumbsup: