The effects of termination when you didn't want one but had one

[HunterzMummy]

I need to speak with people who did not want a termination and went through with it due to emotional issues, circumstances etc (but not medical)

I would so appreciate to hear how this affected you even to this day? Do you find it hard coping do you forgive your self, how do you get by every day. And above all do you regret it and if you could do it over would you do things differently.

Ultimately what made you go ahead with it if you didn't want it

Thank you for your honesty and help - you have no idea how much this means and will help:hugs:

[sam's mum]

:hugs: I can give you information about how DH feels if that helps. not sure if you are interested because he is a he and not a she.

[ComeBackKid]

Hi,

I was thinking about this same thing last night; contemplating about whether I should start a thread and see if there were girls out there coerced into abortion.

I was and it has ruined my life. It was direct violence or threats or anything major like that, I just know that I didn't want an abortion and I was pressured into having one. It has taken me a while to realise it because I have put so much guilt and blame on myself because I did this to my baby. I knew I should have been stronger and braver.

I had an abortion 5 years ago and at times it feels just like yesterday but at the same time, it feels like it has been a million years since it happened. I was 15 and my DP was 10 years older than me. My parents had freaked out and called the police etc. They were looking to press charges against him but had no evidence as I wouldn't co-operate. So when I fell pregnant, my DP saw 'it' as DNA evidence that would send him to jail. I loved him and wanted to protect him, so I terminated. I was young, stupid and had no support. DP was only out for himself and my parents were only out to get him locked up. I was let down by so many people, my parents, DP even the doctors who saw me. I was never given the required counseling or spoken to about options. It was never something that I wanted to do. I wasn't coerced as physically threatened by my DP and held down by the clinic staff as has happened in some cases I have heard of, but I know I was pressured and if it wasn't for all these other external pressures, my baby would still be with me today.

I still have so much anger and hatred at these people and at myself. I have so much guilt, regret and grief that to this day I struggle to deal with. I am struggling to heal because I just cannot comprehend what I did or forgive myself for taking my baby's life when it was something I just didn't want to do. I should have been stronger and fought for me and for my baby.

Termination is a hard enough decision to make and deal with even if it is something you do want, having an unwanted termination will destroy you.

[LittleOldMe]

Everyday i wake up and i hate myself for what i did..... I may not think about it all the time but without a doubt it will pop into my head sometime and i wish i was a stronger person....

[Freya]

Hugs to both of you and to your DH sam's mum.:hugs:

[mummy2jack08]

Hi Hunterzmummy,
i went thro an abortion purley because my DP didnt think it was the right time for a kid, plus i wasnt sure if we were gonna last. (plus i was 17)...

It kills me to this day thinking about it... when i woke up after the procedure i didnt stop crying and this lasted about 2 months... :'(

Luckly i when i fell pregnant this time things with us were settle we had even spoke about family.. I couldnt have gone through it again!!

i believe things happen for a reason & i think i am very lucky now that i am having a baby with a guy i no is here for the long run & i am glad things have worked out the way they have....

Although my advise never do something you dont want to because someone else wants you to! They should support your decision... your the one that has to live with the effects either way!! :)

[supa_star323]

I did, and although I dont want to go into details, I have never given myself for it. Every tiny thing that happens with DS I seem to blame on myself and my termination and yes I know that is irrational, but I do. I want to move on and have closure but I just don't know how.

[sam's mum]

I did, and although I dont want to go into details, I have never given myself for it. Every tiny thing that happens with DS I seem to blame on myself and my termination and yes I know that is irrational, but I do. I want to move on and have closure but I just don't know how.

:hugs: that is pretty much where DH is. He blames my mc on him having driven a previous gf to get an abortion. He didn't want her to have it, but never told her because he felt it was her choice and not his.

[hayleysmummy]

:hugs: to everyone I feel your pain

I had a termination at 15 @7weeks (the date is in my sig) so many people think I miscarried but It was an unwanted termination so I acknowledge that as losing a wanted bub

The father was 22 we had been together for a year he was very abusive and controlling, I was also on the pill and didnt realise I could get pregnant, when I found out I was full of mixed emotions and sat in the doctors office bawling my eyes out not knowing what to do I went home to mums and she goes "well are you" and I said "yes" she then turned around and said "oh well of to tweed" (the abortion clinic) :crying: My DP at the time didnt want the baby either so I felt as though the desicion was out of my hands I really felt as though I had no say in the matter and it breaks my heart to this day to think of what I did to my baby because I felt pressured, Why didnt I stand up for myself? My mum even asked me if I really wanted to do it while we were sitting in the waiting room of the clinic because I was crying so much (It was too late then) so many what if's go through my mind but the one that keeps me going is "If I had had that baby I wouldnt have the kids I have today" and this has been a lesson for me, a part of growing. I know my :angel: is up there watching over us and I'll meet him again one day

I also believe I didnt recieve the propper councelling I should have been given otherwise I wouldnt have done it :hissy:

[forbetoel]

:hugs: to all of you. :hugs:

[naebie]

I wasn't really coerced into having a termination, but have regretted my decision ever since. I was 17 at the time (It was just over 4 years ago), and the baby was due right in the middle of my HSC- I just thought that there was no way that I could have finished school while having a baby, and nobody really opened my eyes up to my options. So at the time I thought I was making the best decision, and my DP also agreed that we weren't in the right financial situation, or even mature enough to bring a baby into the world. I was brought up in a very financially unstable house, and all I wanted was to be able to give my baby everything.
I actually have suffered so much from my termination, as the doctors believe that my miscarriage in '06 was directly caused by my previous termination. Apparently in some rare circumstances terminations can cause 'Cervical Incompetence', and this is what I ended up with.
I am now pregnant again, and have a high risk pregnancy, all because of a stupid decision I made when I was young... I always think that I should be having my 3rd baby, instead I am pregnant a 3rd time with my first... It breaks my heart.

[alphafemale2901]

Congratulations on your pregnancy. :yelclap:

Try not to let your concerns over whatever potential risk you have been deemed to be, cloud your enjoyment of this pregnancy.

The angel growing inside you is no doubt perfect. The decisions you have made in the past can't be undone and hanging onto regrets about them is not useful for you hun.

Make the most of this experience and trust in the ability of your body to do what is requirered when the time comes, no matter what happends on the day.

Have some :hugs: from me.

[SixtiesChild]

I had a little tear in my eye when I read this thread.
This hasn't happened to me but a family member has been suffering depression for the past 12 years because of the regret & betrayal she feels. The regret that she lost a precious part of herself and the betrayal of Zero counselling.
It's very sad to see her suffer in silence.:(

I am sorry for all of you, but I think you are all very brave women to speak out about any regrets.
I want to say that: Armed with your heartfelt experiences, You can empower women that need it. :hugs:

[Rating]

I had one under these circumstances and had alot of trouble accepting it at the time.. ALOT OF TROUBLE!
But no now its years later and i dont accept it nor do I really think about it...

When I do there is no feelings involved... I cant change the past so wont dwell on it. But in saying that if I could go back I wouldnt change a thing...Things turned ok out anyway.

[84zsazsa]

When I do there is no feelings involved... I cant change the past so wont dwell on it. But in saying that if I could go back I wouldnt change a thing...Things turned ok out anyway.


Hi,

I am sort of the same as above. I was with my Ex who was 9yrs older then me and he would not except his part in any of it (raising a child) and tortured me about it when i told him i was pregnant. For fear my relationship would fall apart under the pressure of continuing the pregnancy i terminated.

I had trouble with the guilt of what i had done for a few yrs after, until that man after 6yrs together cheated, bashed me daily, and controlled me terribly and ultimately walked out and left me in a big heap of mess.

I believe everything happens for a reason and am at peace with the bub that never was because i know now it was the right choice. I look back and think of what our relationship became in the end and am so glad that a child was not a witness or part of it. Plus i have no ties too that man and at the time i was really not ready for a baby. This is evident now as i stayed in the situation tooooo long for knowing no better.

Right time, right place........and that was neither for me.

I am pregnant again now with my current hubby and it feels soooo right. This is something we both wanted and will love without any resentment. My hubby is a beautiful man and i am glad this event has taken place with him and not the other guy.

Danni

[moftwo]

i also had an abortion, some years ago now. For the reason that i was young, still at achool and had no idea if my relationship would last. Ultimatley i considered what kind of a life would i be able to provide my child with if i was to have it. This was the most important factor to me when making the decision. My DP wanted me to go ahead and my parents were mortified, but the decision was mine in the end and i hope i made the right one. I still think about my angel baby nearly every day, but i dont so much regret what i did, just wish it had of happened in another time so maybe i could have given the baby the life it deserved so the outcome may have been different. I have married the DP from back then and we now have 2 lovely children so i guess i have been blessed that way.....
It is a hard decidion to make a everyone make sthe decision for different reasons. My advice would be to make the decision that is right for you and the baby, not anyone else and then hopefully it will never be a regret

[kayaway]

I'd like to share with you my story. Firstly because I hope it may help some of you, and secondly because I've never put this into words before...and I'm hoping it may help myself heal.

About four years ago, I was going through some turbulent times. I was in a long term relationship with a mentally abusive partner, who I was afraid to leave. I was afraid if I left him he'd hurt himself, as he'd threatened to do several times. Whilst I no longer loved him...I couldn't let that happen. Then I met another man. The new man, was a colleague who was going through similar difficulties in his relationship. We felt a connection straight away. Despite ourselves, we fell in love. It was that simple, and that complicated.

A couple of months after I met the new man, I fell pregnant. I hadn't been intimate with my partner for some time, so I knew for certain the baby belonged to my new love. I was on the pill, so this was a complete shock. Mechanically and without emotion, I went through the next few weeks. I saw my GP, was referred to a family planning clinic, booked in my termination.

In the couple of weeks leading up to the termination I couldn't tell anyone. I was so scared what the backlash would be. Whilst I was desperately in love with my new man, due to our complicated home lives we had never committed to each other...and we never spoke of the future. It wasn't until a couple of days before the termination that I made the decision to tell him.

He was very supportive, and we both agreed that under the circumstances, to avoid unnecessarily hurting anybody, a termination was the best option. I'm so glad I decided to tell him, I feel it was important that he was involved in the decision.

The day of the termination was surreal. My partner, despite living under the same roof as me...had no idea I was pregnant. I secretly went to the clinic, had the procedure done, and got a taxi home. I went alone. My new man offered to come with me, but for some reason, I wanted to take care of things myself.

I felt very vulnerable and incredibly alone.

It was a very difficult time for me. However it wasn't until much later that the reality of the situation hit me. I was in crisis mode, calmly doing what I had to do, to get through. My parents had no idea, my best friend had no idea, my partner had no idea. The only person who knew was my new man...and we only had stolen moments to be together.

It wasn't long after this that I gathered the extra strength to leave my partner and move out on my own.

Another month or so later, my new man sorted out his home life, and we could finally be together ... officially.

We started again, properly. We went on dates, we acted like a brand new couple. A year later we moved in together, and a year after that we got married.

That was when my termination hit me like a ton of bricks.

That was our baby! A person created from our love. Part of us. We never got to meet our child, because we didn't want to hurt our ex-partners.

Anger, grief, resentment, self-hatred, GUILT. Debilitating guilt. I spiraled into depression. My self worth hit rock bottom.

How do you explain being depressed when you've just married the love of your life? Especially when nobody knew of the termination in the first place.

I am pleased to say that after some excellent counselling, and the support of my beautiful husband, I've managed to crawl out of the deep dark hole. I'm starting to like myself again. I'm facing up to my demons, and moving forward. It's still really difficult at times, and I'll always grieve the loss of our first child.

Currently we are trying to conceive. And hopefully by next Christmas we'll be holding our baby in our arms.

We might have made mistakes in our past. We possibly could have handled the start of our relationship better. But now I realise we are good people, and we deserve happiness.

If you are still reading, thank you.

I wish all of you the strength to heal, and all the future joy you deserve.
:reindeer:


Kerryn xx

[HunterzMummy]

What an emotional story Kayaway. It Was very beautifully expressed. you are an incredibly strong women. I hope you got your healing and i am sure this will help many.

I look forward to hearing about when bub is concieved. Wishing you and your partner all the happiness in the world.:hugs::hugs:

[MyFourCubs]

I also believe I didnt recieve the propper councelling I should have been given otherwise I wouldnt have done it :hissy:

:hugs: This is probably the number 1 thing that upsets me and I am most concerned about in regards to termination. While I am admittedly pro-life, I accept that some women do choose abortion and go through with it for a number of different reasons- some that I understand, some that I don't. However, the complete absence of councelling at a large portion of termination clinic angers, saddens and disgusts me. While we don't hear of all of them, or even many of them, you are not alone- there are so many women and young girls that are either pushed into abortion or choose one out of fear, and in a great many instances, nobody stops to ask WHY- to make sure that a woman is having an abortion for the right reasons. If they did- if they took the time, so many lives would be saved, and I do not just mean the life of the feotus, I mean the life of the MOTHER. Nobody should have to deal with a lifetime of regret and sadness.

That said, you cannot carry around this burden of loss forever as it will eat you up inside- have you tried councelling now? Have you tried some kind of formal closure, I know it sounds trite, but for instance, planting a memorial or donating to SIDS or something in bubs memory? Turn something BAD into something GOOD?

:hugs: to you, there are a number of lovely ladies on BH who can relate and I hope you find the peace that you need and deserve.

[MyFourCubs]

Kerryn, :hugs: and lots of :goodvibes::goodvibes::goodvibes: I hope you have a bubba very soon.:fingerscrossed:

[maiko]

I had a termination 2 years ago because DH was not emotionally/financially ready to have a child and he totally freaked out. We were newly weds and I always believed that when it comes to babies and finances you just make do and everything just magically works out. He pressured me to have the abortion. I went through with it because I didn't want DH to feel resentful that he was forced into parenthood. I did not want DH to be hostile and resentful, withdrawn and uninvolved. I didn't think our relationship could survive having a child at that time. I did not want to become a single mother. I didn't want to become my mother (short lived marriage, single mother who struggled her entire life) or for DH to become his father (stayed with his wife because of the kids but was never happy and always stressed).

In the months that followed I was pretty bitter and resentful. I was angry and frustrated at DH all the time and everything annoyed me. Our communication was terrible. I was angry that he couldn't get over himself, be a responsible man and just suck it up. In the end I realised that our relationship could not go on the way it was. I found a way to move forward and started making the effort to treat DH better, stop nagging, stop trying to control everything, and basically stop thinking of him as a useless, irresponsible child. I had to regain my respect for him as my husband. It was hard, but I really believe it saved us.

I think my reasons for terminating were valid. While I never wanted to go ahead with it, and it was undoubtedly the worst day of my life, I knew beforehand that I had to validate the decision within myself otherwise it would eat me up inside for the rest of my life. I had to claim the decision as my own. I have to accept that although I did it for DH, I kinda did it for myself as well because I wasn't prepared for the possible negative consequences of going ahead with the pregnancy.

I became baby obsessed. I researched and read about everything baby related so that I wouldn't feel so clueless when the time came. It was a direct result of the powerlessness I felt from basically being told that I couldn't have a baby. I bought all kinds of baby items that are now stashed in our spare room. I painted a mural on the wall of our future nursery. I longed for a child so much, and it was only in the second half of last year that I began to realise that the desire/obsession was stemming from the wrong place. That realisation was healing.

We've had our ups and downs since then though we're in a good place now, and DH still isn't ready to have a child. I have mixed feelings about that because I feel like I've satisfied my end of the bargain. I waited 2 very long years and got a better job but DH is still adamant. Some days I really struggle with that.

I want a baby, but it's a different feeling to before. It's not a frantic obsession but a peaceful knowledge.

[OJandMe]

Sorry Maiko... I couldn't read your story and not respond....

How long are you willing to wait??

You're 28 now and it doesn't get easier to fall pg the older you are... And the older you are, the higher chance of twins.. how does your DH feel about that???

[babygizaiah]

I am the a very private and reserved person, but I feel I understand what all you ladies have gone through and this is the first time I will be telling my story.

In April 2002 I started a relationship with df and I was 15 and he was 19. In June I knew something just wasn't right and I was feeling very nauseous, but I just brushed it off and went on with life like nothing. Then the day after my 16th birthday I decided to do a pregnancy test and it was :bfp:. I didnt go into panic mode. There was no question in my mind about this baby, because it happened to me and I was going to deal with it and be the best mum I could be under the circumstances. Told df and he was not impressed.

I went to the doctors in July to confirm and he sent me off to have an ultrasound. After speaking to df we decided to have an abortion, so the long journey began.

She started doing the ultrasound and I felt like I was being judged, because she knew I was having an abortion. She turned the screen away from me and I asked to see my baby. He was perfect. I could see everything. His strong healthy heart was beating away perfecting. My heart sunk. I walked out and told df I was keeping this baby whether he left me or not. I didnt care.

I had to go through one counselling session. At this stage the other 2 people that knew were my df and older sister. I went to counselling and they were able to send me off to a school for young parents and my son could come with me to classes, so that was no issue at all. When I told my sister I was keeping my son she told me there was no way in hell I was going ahead with this pregnancy.

I think Im such a weak person. 2 against 1 I could have kept it, but I felt so pressured to go ahead with it even though I knew it was wrong. I knew if I had told my mum my son would be here today, but I knew I didnt have the courage to do it.

I was booked in on the 2nd of August to terminate. It was a long day. Seeing counsellors and doctors. Something was telling me to walk out of the clinic, but I ignored it and I did it. I laid on the operating bed beating myself up, crying knowing this wasnt what I wanted. Fully conscious and now I have to live with this dumb dumb dumb decision.

I chose to take my baby home. I thought that was the least I could do. There was noway I was letting the hospital dispose of my baby lik it meant nothing to the world. I was 12wks & 2days, so df and I were together less than 3wks when I fell pregnant.

I took my son home and df and I had a private burial for our son. This was the saddest day of my life. I cried a lot over the years. I do the what if's every single day and I just dont know how to deal with this in a healthy way even after almost 6yrs. My baby would of been 6 next month. God what things could have been like. I find it hard imaging having a 6yr old boy running around the house haha...Life was hard. Even though my son isnt with me today, he is forever in my heart. I celebrate his birthday every year. Every milestone. Writing this is bringing back all the feelings that I tried to put away.

I was blessed with a baby boy which was conceived exactly 5yrs apart to the date from my first. I think this is gods way of bringing through apart of our son. They were born 1 day apart according to his due date.

I have never forgiven myself for what I have done. The thing that hurts the most is it doesnt even seem to bother df, so I am dealing with this on my own.

I will see him again one day and I hope I can learn to continue and live my life.

[MyFourCubs]

I am so, so so sorry for what you went through. :hugs:

Thank you for your honesty and your strenth in telling your story. Perhaps it may help somebody else who finds themselves in a similar situation.

I hope with all my heart that you find peace with what happened to your son and that you know that you, also, were a child and one that was unfairly pressured and cornered by those you were relying on to help. This was not your fault.

I know that is not my right or place to say that but I felt the need to say it anyway.:o

[kayaway]

To Maiko....

You sound like a very strong woman. I admire your ability to overcome bitterness and resentment, and change your way of looking at life. If only more people had the courage to do the same. I think it is very wise for you to wait until you are both ready to have a child. Don't worry, you have years to go before your clock starts ticking! I'm nearly 35 and pregnant with my first child, and I don't plan for it to be my last either. At 28, I wasn't ready either. But I do hope your husband starts feeling clucky soon! In the meantime, enjoy being "just the two of you" and look forward to the day when you can be a family.

To Babygizaiah.....

What a tough and emotional time for you. Another strong and brave woman. I hope sharing your story helps you to heal. Grieving is a very personal thing, that we all do in our own way. I wish you and your young family all the joy and happiness you deserve.

:hugs:

[maiko]

Sorry Maiko... I couldn't read your story and not respond....

How long are you willing to wait??

You're 28 now and it doesn't get easier to fall pg the older you are... And the older you are, the higher chance of twins.. how does your DH feel about that???

I don't know, it's something that I'm debating within myself every day at the moment. I don't want to wait at all, and have my own concerns about age, fertility etc. and every time I see my doc he asks me when I'm going to have kids and not to put it off. DH dismisses it because he thinks fertility issues is something that happens to other people. We really do need to have a proper talk about it.