Schooling for Step Children

[MandaMommy]

I have two step sons and soon two of my own children.

My two SS have/will soon be schooled at a public school. This was there mother's choice and we dont have contact with the children on school days and have little to do with their education. My husband pays child support however he doesn't contribute to their schooling.. mainly because he has a low income and can't afford too.

Now I have my children I have come to this realisation that I want to give them the best schooling possible and I wish to put them through private schooling and definitely encourage them to go to university which i would be paying for.... I have studied hard, worked and have a career. When i return to work i will earn double plus more then my DH does.

Some people have critised me for not offering this to my SS's..... but i really don't see why I should be the one paying for their schooling?

[mummymimi]

I completely understand that you want the best for your children but I think you need to also consider what type of relationship you want your children to have with their step siblings. If your children have a much better standard of living than their step siblings do even if it is technically provided by you and not their father I think it will cause resentment.

[gizmoduckus]

I completely understand that you want the best for your children but I think you need to also consider what type of relationship you want your children to have with their step siblings. If your children have a much better standard of living than their step siblings do even if it is technically provided by you and not their father I think it will cause resentment.

:iagree: It could also impact the relationship they have with their father later on. They might think that their dad loves his other kids more than he does them.

[YMo7]

i agree - i think that they should all be provided with the same schooling.

maybe you could each pay a percentage as you are all parents to the children??

[cocobambino]

i agree - i think that they should all be provided with the same schooling.

maybe you could each pay a percentage as you are all parents to the children??

I agree if you offer this and the mother of the children knock it back then you know you have done your part

Is it too personal to ask what you do?

[MandaMommy]

Well atm my children are just babies but a friend was teling me how the waiting lists are long etc etc so i was considering looking into it now.

My eldest SS is in Grade 2 - i had no say in the school he was enrolled... and I don't that the Bio-mum even asked my DH.

My youngest SS is about to start prep next year at the same school has brother goes too.

I guess atm we can't afford to offer any money towards private schooling for the SS's as i am a SAHM for the next year or two.

So the issue will be do we offer to change their schooling when i return to work?

[roxster]

i really don't see why I should be the one paying for their schooling?


It is not upto you how they are schooled it should be a joint decision between the biological parents as to what is best for their children!

[MandaMommy]

Roxster - i don't agree with this....

They are all my DH children.... shouldn't he have a say in their education... atm he has had NONE. The decision would affect MY family expenses. SO why shouldn't I have a say!!!!

[CrankyAndTired]

It is not upto you how they are schooled it should be a joint decision between the biological parents as to what is best for their children!

:iagree:

[gizmoduckus]

So the issue will be do we offer to change their schooling when i return to work?

You could always offer to help out when they get to high school. At least they would know that you do have their best interests at heart but that you couldn't afford it while they were in primary school. They also will be old enough themselves to make a decision about what school they want to attend.

[mummymimi]

Private high school for 4 children would cost just as much private primary and high school for two children. So if it was me I would make the commitment that all your DHs children attend a public primary and then go to a private high school. Do you normally combine your income or do split all the family expenses? I know you said you earn more than your DH but imagine if the situation was reversed would you understand if he said no it's my money not yours so it can only be spent on my children.

[Mathermy]

I can't imagine how your DH feels about you thinking of his children this way-with this and the other thread. I can't imagine ever feeling that any of my children should be given more than another or be treated differently-my children will always be treated equally, regardless if they come from a previous relationship. Why should children have to pay for their parent's failed relationships?:(

[roxster]

I can't imagine how your DH feels about you thinking of his children this way-with this and the other thread. I can't imagine ever feeling that any of my children should be given more than another or be treated differently-my children will always be treated equally, regardless if they come from a previous relationship. Why should children have to pay for their parent's failed relationships?:(


:yelclap::iagree: makingalolaorliam.

[MandaMommy]

Well i guess this is just a place to vent feelings I have.

The children are been treated equally. And really when it comes down to it my DH doesn't really thing about half of this stuff and he really leaves things up to me to decide.

As for the christmas presents/ present etc... he was the only who expressed his concern for our children missing out on alot because the SS receive so much from their mother.

As for the schooling it will be left up to me as is most of their upbringing... thats just the way it is.

[MummaBear03]

My daughter has a number of half-siblings, 2 of them are going to a local school but I'm not going to be basing my child's education on what their mother wants to do with her children. My child is going to a Catholic school, regardless of what the other 2 children are doing. And I have no idea about the other children as they don't live near us and we have never met them. Either way I'm not about to pay for other children's schooling, nor would I send my child to a dodgy local public school to have her be like them :no:

It's up to you, all you can do is offer, but I agree that the decision should be made by both biological parents, not just one of them.

[MandaMommy]

We did discuss the matter last night. WE have decided that we like the idea of public primary schooling then private highschooling for ALL the children. (thanks Mummymimi) That is a great idea which will work well in our situation.

[mummymimi]

Mandamommy I am glad that you and your husband were able to talk about it and happy I could help.

A lot people use this site as a way of discussing their feelings about people in their lives that they aren't comfortable addressing in real life. Biological mums talk about the step mums, step mums talk about the biological mums, people talk about their in- laws, their husbands/partners. It's not always flattering but sometimes people need to get things off their chest in an annonymous environment.

[YMo7]

MM has obviously come on here to get other people's views from people who she knows has experienced similar issues to her as we all do when we post on here.. she needed to get out what she wanted and to share her situation with others.
i very highly doubt that she cam on here for ridicule.

best wishes and bes of luck go to you and i hope you can all sort it out together as active parents in your SS's life.

i have 3 SK's that live with us now and they all go to private school with my DD and my other kids will go to private school when they are old enough too.

i know my situation is a bit different to yours, however, as with anyone in a blended family, you are a parental figure as you mentioned above and you are entitled to add your 2 cents worth when deciding things with the bio parents. you are just as much a parent as your DH is - seeing your SS just as often, disciplining him and helping and guiding him through his life when he is in your care.

My DH and I have a "his, mine and yours" tyoe of family, but we prefer to refer to all of the children as "ours". well, they are! and it is kinder to the children involved also, to know that they don't differ from one another...

:) take care.

[Refresh]

I think it would be a great idea to offer to help out for highschool....hopefully the mum will let the kids be involved in the decision, then everyone can be happy no matter what they choose:) If they are allowed to have a say or at least be involved in the decision making process then there is no equality between them and your own children. As long as they know they have the option....anyway....private schooling does not necessarily have to be better than public schooling....it depends on the school and on the child. Good luck.

[WorkingClassMum]

I think it would be a great idea to offer to help out for highschool....hopefully the mum will let the kids be involved in the decision, then everyone can be happy no matter what they choose:) If they are allowed to have a say or at least be involved in the decision making process then there is no equality between them and your own children. As long as they know they have the option....anyway....private schooling does not necessarily have to be better than public schooling....it depends on the school and on the child. Good luck.

well posted:yelclap:


I hope this can be worked out so that all children know that they are all loved and treated fairly.

There seems to be a long standing rift b/w the bio mum and dad, which needs to be resolved. This is not just about their schooling is it?

I very much agree that private schooling is not always what's best for every child and all avenues need to be explored for all the children for what suits each child

[Eggflip]

I think the public primary and private high for all is a great idea.

I think all children should get the same as Im not sure of your circumstances but I would guess you knew about the Step children before having your own. My biggest fear is when my DS's dad has more children and they get more than DS as this happened to me as a child and now I have nothing to do with my other siblings or my dad (deep down just because I hold soooo much resentment for them all)

[Mathermy]

I think all children should get the same as Im not sure of your circumstances but I would guess you knew about the Step children before having your own. My biggest fear is when my DS's dad has more children and they get more than DS as this happened to me as a child and now I have nothing to do with my other siblings or my dad (deep down just because I hold soooo much resentment for them all


I can relate to this post JG and that's perhaps why i get a bit taken aback by threads such as this. I too was a 'step' child, you see i hate even using that word it feels wrong:(

I was lucky that when my mum got remarried her partner took us all on as his own, mum ensured we came as a package it was all of us or none. He never allowed us to feel any less that special and accepted and important even when my lil brother (his bio son) came along. It breaks my heart to think that children might be resented by a step parent, or even worse forgotten by their bio one with a new relationship.

I think kids suffer enough through relationshipbreakdowns without having to deal with those kinds of issues.It's just so sad:(

Having said that though i have never had to look at it from a 'step' mum's perspective. I would like to think that it is not in my nature to resent or show less love to a child though. But there are so many different circumstances so I should stop being so black and white about it-of course it is different if you have never met or had no contact with the 'step' children.My initial reaction was thinking in context of the 'step' children living within the home as was my situation.

At the end of the day Mandamommy, you are right this is probably a good place to vent and i could see how it would be an uncomfortable conversation to try and have with your Dh.:yes:

[trina73]

Hi there Mandamommy :wave:
just want to let you know that although i have no advice to give i just wanted to let you know that you are doing a great job as a step parent. it's a hard job i have 2 step girls and though we get along it's tough. you have a right to what goes on in their lives.

I wish you all the best Mandamommy :)

[MandaMommy]

I too was a 'step' child, you see i hate even using that word it feels wrong:(makingalolaorliam regardless of the things discussed on this site :iagree:totally with this comment.

I never refer to my 'step' children as step children and i will never. Strangers think they are my children. And my older SS used to tell people he was lucky cos he had two mummies. Now days someone has taught him i am his 'step mother'. Its sad and it makes me sad to hear him call me the 'step mother'. I will never call him the 'step son' for this reason... he is just my son.

I too am a 'step' child and like you my 'step' dad was my dad and i was his daughter. My mother passed away when i was young and my 'step' dad continued to be my dad and raise my sister, me and his 'bio' child all as his children. Even now he is still my dad and even though my sister is older then me, she is back living at home with our 'daddy'. But i guess life was simplier because our 'bio' father was not on the seen.

So yes i do think and feel different things about my children however i would like to think i show them all the same love and same respect and try hard to make them all part of my family. And as much as the SS's need their mother in their lives this just makes life harder to raise them all the same.

As for Roxster - i too felt stalked, lol.... i don't know who she is but i figure she is just adding the 'bio-mum' prospective to the thread and maybe we can all take something from what she has to say.

[Mathermy]

makingalolaorliam regardless of the things discussed on this site :iagree:totally with this comment.

I never refer to my 'step' children as step children and i will never. Strangers think they are my children. And my older SS used to tell people he was lucky cos he had two mummies. Now days someone has taught him i am his 'step mother'. Its sad and it makes me sad to hear him call me the 'step mother'. I will never call him the 'step son' for this reason... he is just my son.

I too am a 'step' child and like you my 'step' dad was my dad and i was his daughter. My mother passed away when i was young and my 'step' dad continued to be my dad and raise my sister, me and his 'bio' child all as his children. Even now he is still my dad and even though my sister is older then me, she is back living at home with our 'daddy'. But i guess life was simplier because our 'bio' father was not on the seen.

:hugs:You are right, it is different when the bio parent isn't around. Unfortunately that is the only experience I am familiar with so i guess it's hard for me to see the situation from other angles. Hopefully your experience allows you to be the best 2nd mummy you can be;)

It must be hard trying to navigate it all when the other parent is still very much a part of the child's life, especially when you bring your own bio children into the midst. I only hope i am never in the position to experience it first hand because i imagine it would be tremendously difficult and a juggling act with your time, resources and emotional energy capacity.

[pegasus]

My daughter has a number of half-siblings, 2 of them are going to a local school but I'm not going to be basing my child's education on what their mother wants to do with her children. My child is going to a Catholic school, regardless of what the other 2 children are doing. And I have no idea about the other children as they don't live near us and we have never met them. Either way I'm not about to pay for other children's schooling, nor would I send my child to a dodgy local public school to have her be like them :no:

It's up to you, all you can do is offer, but I agree that the decision should be made by both biological parents, not just one of them.

Just adding my experience here. My step children have been schooled according to their mother's enrolments. My children will be schooled according to how I enrol them (my DS attends a christian college kindy attached to the same primary and high school and his half brother and sister have only attended public schools).

My step children have been shunted a bit around schools according to where the mother was at the time and we have discussed schools with them as to if they lived with us, they would have to change schools (we currently live an hour and a half away), but then they could choose school (to the one that DS is in and DD will go to, or the public one), that's if they'd be accepted as DD was suspended already from her school in year 8. When it looked like we may take on DD full time (at the time of her suspension), I looked seriously into the schooling aspect and there was little say we could have into it all unless the mother signed over some rights to us.

For my children, it's a totally different scenario as DH and I have total control over how they are living their lives and have a totally different savings plan for their future. DH pays the maintenance and we've helped at other times (as appropriate), but with the schooling if the mother had wanted to place the children into a private school, she could have, my yearly fees for my DS are only a little over what DH pays in maintenance per fortnight!

I guess we're in a lucky position that my DH will stop paying maintenance by the time our children will be in primary school and so we can choose where to send our children for school as we'll have an extra ~$600 per fortnight in our bank account, once the older two turn 18.

I've been a step mum for over 10 years now and there have been times I've felt guilty that the other two have not had some of the opportunities that my two will have even such stuff as a necklace with my two which I want to get engraved with their names - then I stop and think - the other two children have a mother who could have done such stuff as getting stuff engraved for them.

In a perfect world we may want all of the children to be treated equally, but they have two very different mothers and when the other mum has chosen a very different style of parenting, my children will be brought up with my style of parenting. When the step children are with us they know the style of parenting that exists in our house and they are now old enough to start making choices on how they want to live their lives as well.

I spent 6years trying to work out (with DH) with the biomum how we could be directly involved with the children's lives (including their schooling) and she made the choice for the children that she didn't want the involvement. If she'd ever said she wanted the chidren to go to a private school - I'm sure it could have been sorted, but she didn't, and as far as I'm concerned - that's that.

What I do with my children is no ones business but mine and my DH and if ever their half siblings question why they had different schooling they'll be reminded of numerous conversations we've had with them.

[MummaBear03]

Just adding my experience here. My step children have been schooled according to their mother's enrolments. My children will be schooled according to how I enrol them (my DS attends a christian college kindy attached to the same primary and high school and his half brother and sister have only attended public schools).

My step children have been shunted a bit around schools according to where the mother was at the time and we have discussed schools with them as to if they lived with us, they would have to change schools (we currently live an hour and a half away), but then they could choose school (to the one that DS is in and DD will go to, or the public one), that's if they'd be accepted as DD was suspended already from her school in year 8. When it looked like we may take on DD full time (at the time of her suspension), I looked seriously into the schooling aspect and there was little say we could have into it all unless the mother signed over some rights to us.

For my children, it's a totally different scenario as DH and I have total control over how they are living their lives and have a totally different savings plan for their future. DH pays the maintenance and we've helped at other times (as appropriate), but with the schooling if the mother had wanted to place the children into a private school, she could have, my yearly fees for my DS are only a little over what DH pays in maintenance per fortnight!

I guess we're in a lucky position that my DH will stop paying maintenance by the time our children will be in primary school and so we can choose where to send our children for school as we'll have an extra ~$600 per fortnight in our bank account, once the older two turn 18.

I've been a step mum for over 10 years now and there have been times I've felt guilty that the other two have not had some of the opportunities that my two will have even such stuff as a necklace with my two which I want to get engraved with their names - then I stop and think - the other two children have a mother who could have done such stuff as getting stuff engraved for them.

In a perfect world we may want all of the children to be treated equally, but they have two very different mothers and when the other mum has chosen a very different style of parenting, my children will be brought up with my style of parenting. When the step children are with us they know the style of parenting that exists in our house and they are now old enough to start making choices on how they want to live their lives as well.

I spent 6years trying to work out (with DH) with the biomum how we could be directly involved with the children's lives (including their schooling) and she made the choice for the children that she didn't want the involvement. If she'd ever said she wanted the chidren to go to a private school - I'm sure it could have been sorted, but she didn't, and as far as I'm concerned - that's that.

What I do with my children is no ones business but mine and my DH and if ever their half siblings question why they had different schooling they'll be reminded of numerous conversations we've had with them.

Maybe the difference is that they are my daughter's half-siblings but not my step children. They will all start school next year and it's up to their mother where she wants them to go. The older boys went through high school at an elite private school paid for by their father (a different guy) but they lived with their mother, maybe she'll do that and pay for private schooling but cheaper private schooling, who would know, but I don't base what we do on what they might do.

[pegasus]

I agree with what you've said mummabear and also see the difference that the other two children are not your step children. What I meant to say in my other post and didn't get to was the fact that I spent the first 6years of my life with my DH trying to do everything right by the other two children, before we had our children, I am now of the belief that we did the best we could with the amount of influence that the biomum allowed my husband to have in the children's lives and made the decision that whilst our children are half siblings with the other two, I will base my decisions regarding my children on what my husband and I want for them and not pit it against the sort of life that their older brother and sister have.

I had another thought about this thread. With the arguement about private schools v public schools and paying for step children and biological children.

The majority of private schools have a religion attached to them. If I choose to bring up my biological children as Christians and send them to a Christian college, but the biological mother of my step children doesn't see this as important, then that's a choice that my husband and I have made for our children. We can only encourage a christian lifestyle in our home and can't influence how the biological mother runs her home. In a lot of ways I feel it would be hypocritical of their mother to say now that she wants the children to go to a private school

As for the money side of things, CSA has stated that the step kids are financially worth more on paper (ie. the amount of maintenance that my hubby pays) than my children even though my children reside with us full time. I'd there fore be reluctant to pay any extra for different schooling for them as on paper, my husband pays less for the two living with us than the other two and it has been my choices that have meant any different money coming into our children's lives. If I can save and their mother can't, then in my mind, my children should benefit from that.

Yes, they all have the same father, but the fact that two of the children have one mother and the other two children have another mother means that their lives will never be equal, and I'm sure the older two children know this themselves.

[Mathermy]

In a lot of ways I feel it would be hypocritical of their mother to say now that she wants the children to go to a private school




Do you mind if I ask why pegasus? I only ask because we have many friends that have chosen to send their children to private schools & they are not religious, they see it as an opportunity to give their child a better education and I have never seen this as hypocritical. We have even considered doing the same thing ourselves:o

[YMo7]

we are religious AT ALL and we send our children to a private CHRISTIAN school... to give our children the best education they can get....

[YMo7]

oops - we are NOT religious at all that was meant to say. lol

[HunterzMummy]

Just to look at it on the flip side... What if the Step Child got to go to a private school and YOUR bio kids did not. We seem to only be looking at the equal rights of the step child.

I know in our case that the X earns more then DH (when she decides to return to work) and will prob put SS in private school but will ask DH to contribute.. Now why should DH contribute more to SS schooling then ours because it cost more.

I pray that our situation changes dramatically by the time DS is due to attend school as both DH and i were private schooled and i would love that for my son.

So not every case is the step children hard done by :flowerz:

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

We offered private schooling b4 we had children together to the X...her response was no way, dont want them to get above themselves, and think they are cleverer or better than me...she didnt see that we just wanted to offer a better alternative to the school our eldest was at at the time...
There have been a few grumblings that our youngest children are enrolled at a private school but the eldest 2 go to an amazing public primary now and if we lived anywhere near one like that I would not be sending my children to a private school.
As Pegasus said on paper the eldest 2 are considered by the powers that be to be worth more than the two youngest that reside with us...and so they actually have more money spent via CS each month than we do on the youngest two...and more than we would spend on them if they lived with us...so we would struggle to pay for private schooling now for all 4. We are lucky that the eldest 2 childrens public school options now are so good as they were never going to be allowed to have a better education if they had stayed where they were originally.
It sounds to me as the OP has sound reasoning behind her venting...and although not the bio parent...she is involved heavily in the financial income of the family so does need to be involved in the parenting decisions...and it read like the bio - father wasnt even been talked to or involved in the childrens schooling which is not right...in fact shared custody and new family laws state that joint decisions should be made on health, schooling etc as it is in the best interests of the children.

[pegasus]

Do you mind if I ask why pegasus? I only ask because we have many friends that have chosen to send their children to private schools & they are not religious, they see it as an opportunity to give their child a better education and I have never seen this as hypocritical. We have even considered doing the same thing ourselves:o

Thanks for your comment makingalolaorliam - it's not so much the religion content, (although that's a small factor), it's moreso that she has never encouraged the other children to do study, or make the most out of their schooling.

She would pull them out of school to take them to Adventure world (theme place in WA) and not take them to school on days she was too tired etc. When we've had the kids, I've bought extra books,asked them to bring their homework and sat with them to help them do their work.

In my opinion if you're going to spend the money - you need to make the commitment to help the kids get the most out of their education.

She's allowed DD to skip school to work at Maccas and yet DD never has any money (apparently it goes on phone credit and paying mum for ?petrol?).

I just don't see the support for the kids' education which is my main reason.

I went to a public school and have nothing against the public school, however, in our area, we've chosen the best school for our children based on our beliefs and the school's philosophies. I had parents who were very involved in my schooling and supported me and my siblings to go to uni.

[Sway]

To be quite honest.. i have 3 children 1 of which is with my ex and only he and i discuss our daughters matters whether it be schooling health or anything else ... neither my partner or his partner have anything to do with this decision....

why are you butting in and trying to control a situation that is beyond Your control... this sort of detailing about the child is only between the bio-mother and bio-father and not one of the partners.

from experience both my ex and i have come to the conclusion over the past 2 years that having the outsiders being involved only causes more hassles and dramas hence the children being affected. and as for state schools i have had my daughter in both private and public and it wasnt until she went to a public school did they discover that she was Dyslexic ... this was because the state schools are controlled by the government and have testing to see if any children require "catch up" help, where the private schools (to my experience) have not provided this.

[pegasus]

To be quite honest.. i have 3 children 1 of which is with my ex and only he and i discuss our daughters matters whether it be schooling health or anything else ... neither my partner or his partner have anything to do with this decision....

why are you butting in and trying to control a situation that is beyond Your control... this sort of detailing about the child is only between the bio-mother and bio-father and not one of the partners.

from experience both my ex and i have come to the conclusion over the past 2 years that having the outsiders being involved only causes more hassles and dramas hence the children being affected. and as for state schools i have had my daughter in both private and public and it wasnt until she went to a public school did they discover that she was Dyslexic ... this was because the state schools are controlled by the government and have testing to see if any children require "catch up" help, where the private schools (to my experience) have not provided this.

We all have different situations here on bubhub. In the blended families sections we have some mums who are step mums, some mums who are mums of children who now have step parents and others.

The issue of schooling (as I read it from the OP) is that if she chooses to put her children into a private school, will the step children resent that or will the biomum resent that. That is sort of the same situation I have thought I might be in.

I love the fact that you seem to have an amicable relationship with your ex, but some of us (as stepmums) are here to support our spouses as there is not always an amicable relationship with the ex. The first time I met my husband's ex, I placed an assault charge on her and there is little chance she and my husband can talk without it disingegrating into rudeness.

For the sake of the children, she chooses to talk to me and vice verse. There's your answer to one of your questions.

As for another reason....

Anytime, any money is asked for outside of maintenance money, it comes out of money that CSA allocates for other biological children that reside with the payer, hence it impacts upon our situation too.

Therefore, we, as biological mums of children born into a second family, should have say as it impacts upon the choices we can make for our children.

Hope that answers your questions a to why partners can sometimes be involved.

As for my situation, I have been involved since the children were 4 and 2 and the children's medical situations were rarely discussed with my DH (due to her control.) Before any discussions are raised here, we are talking about a domestic violence situation here which is most likely opposite to what you imagine...

I have also worked for the public school system and the public health system and screened many students for therapy reasons (dyslexia being one of many diagnoses) and fully agree that this is one area that public schools do have more resources, but that's not an arguement here.

I hope I've cleared up some of your queries regarding some of our situations.

[WorkingClassMum]

This thread is 18 months old, maybe arohasmum could start her own thread about her own situation :)

[pegasus]

Following Working Class Mum's suggestion (as this thread is 18months old and some of the members have even left the hub and situations have changed)- a new thread has been started for Arohasmum - which should hopefully find more opinions more relevant to her situation.