Bridesmaids and weightloss...???

[SassyMummy]

Okay, so, I'm going to be a bridesmaid early December.

My best friend is the bride, and has just sent me a text saying we're getting the dresses on August 17 - and so once I try them on and they're purchased then, then I HAVE to be that size in December.

She knows I'm losing weight, and so now I'm left wondering, 'Am I just supposed to keep being fat for the sake of her wedding?'

I've said I will PAY for alterations. I will. I'm happy to... but she's also FORCING me to get a certain type of underwear for the wedding (which, funnily enough, costs more than the dress itself!), and she's said I'm getting the underwear in early September, so that pretty much won't fit if I lose too much after that date...

It wouldn't be too bad if she we just got the dresses, I got mine altered closer to the date of the wedding, and was able to purchase my own underwear... because then I could still lose weight and be a bridesmaid in a dress that fit.

But, apparently, she has to make sure my boobs look good enough for her wedding, so SHE gets to decide what type of underwear I wear. That in itself has annoyed me - she's dragging along her other half, her father and her father's gf to all SEE me in the underwear before it's purchased! WTF??!?! I'm not public property, and I'd rather not have everyone staring at my tits going, "oh yeah, they look good in that," or "Nah, they look like rubbish, see that lump of fat poking out over there??"

What should I do, as a bridesmaid, as a best friend, but also a person with body image issues who is trying to lose weight?

She's just... I dunno, being a part of this whole wedding thing is making me not want to ever see her... all she talks about is hte wedding and all she wants to do is boss me around... and I mean, I expected to wear an ugly dress (which I am, it's lime green), but she's getting kinda demand-y.

She even told the other bridesmaid not to dare fall pregnant (the other one has just got married, is 27, and would like to start a family)! And now I'm not allowed to lose (or gain either) weight, nor am I allowed to get my hair cut or coloured, and nor am I allowed to even choose my own underwear!

We get to choose our own shoes... but "I don't care if they're uncomfortably high... you're both short and will stupid in my photos, so you need the highest ones you can find!"

A few months ago I pulled DD out of the wedding as flowergirl as my best friend was being unreasonable. Originally, I was going to have Chanel's Dad (who was my partner then... we've since split up) there, he was invited, and while I was doing bridesmaid stuff, he'd deal with her.

I thought I might have an "and guest" on my invite, because everyone else does... but no, she said she's going to cut costs wherever she can and so it would just be an invite for me and Chanel, and not any sort of "and guest/partner"... so who would look after Chanel? I can't drag a 3 year old around while I get ready, attend to the bride(zilla) and get hair and make-up done. Apparently, I should just let her do whatever, "There'll be other people there - they can look out of her." At a park. By a lake. Sure. Safe. Just hope some random strangers look after her. :rolleyes:

So then I even suggested I stay at hte manor, and hire a babysitter for hte morning, to stay in my room and watch Chanel. "I don't know that the hotel would like that," she says. WTF am I supposed to do then?

So I pulled DD out of it. It was DD as a flowergirl or me as a bridesmaid really... she didn't give me much choice!

BLEH!

I just hate that she's like, "Oh, yeah, stay fat for 4 months so you can fit into the ugly dress!" I'LL GET IT ALTERED IF I LOSE TOO MUCH WEIGHT! JEEZ!

But apparently, no, because then it might "lose it's shape."

It's going to have to be altered anyway, I have E-cupped boobs, they don't fit in regular dresses... so I have to buy a few sizes larger and then get the waist taken in...

sdfrwagfvgfsdfvsdvjbdz vsrdfsdnvzdx

The above is just me slamming my fingers on the keys in frustration.

WHAT CAN I SAY TO HER!??!?! She's driving me mental and I never want to spend any time with her ever as a result... I just wanna avoid her.

[onemummmy]

damn I would slap her! WTF is up with the undies thing? This is why they have the name 'bridezilla'. I feel sorry for you dealing with it all but honestly she may just crack it if you try talking to her.
I think its reasonable for you to pay for any alterations yourself :yes:

[subaruforestermum]

I am waiting until closer to the date to settle on dresses for my bridesmaids... As 1 is currently pregnant and due in November...

I cant expect her to stay that size for my sake...

I think its unrealistic view of your friend....tell her how it is..... I dont think she should be able to dictate what bloody underwear you wear, to me that is a bit over the top.....

Just try talking to her, if she doesnt listen, then dont buy the underwear (or is she paying for it?), and just get the dress altered to fit...

She has to keep it real....

Or does she not want anyone out shining her?

[Veritas]

If it were me I would take her aside and have a quiet but firm word with her....

Tell her that you know this is her special day, and there are certain things that she wants, but if she wants her good friends to be involved then it has to be within reason and their are boundaries as to where her commands stop....

I would tell her that you will not be paraded in front of a bunch of strangers in your underwear for her satisfaction.... that you would never expect that of her and that it is not dignified nor a fair expectation of a friend....

That your journey to weightloss is a very personal one, is a good thing for your self esteem and health, and that she should be supportive of this.... that she has no right to dictate the way your body looks for the sake of one day in her life....

I think she is being very unreasonable, and not at all a good friend..... I think some people see weddings as a chance to take advantage of and manipulate the people around them, and that is really not what it should be about.....

Good luck!

[susmamma]

omg sassy - you are bringing back the exact same nightmares i had as bridesmaid at my girlfriends wedding...

omg i still cannot bring myself to write of the bridezilla moments in that fiasco.

if you value the friendship at all, have it out with her now, get it all out on the table... all of it, do it face to face over a few drinks.

I didnt, i kept sucking it in, sucking it in, sucking it in and then after the wedding I was like ... "get the hell out of my life you psycho woman in your fru fru white pooffee dress..." (not really those words but faaaaaaaark, how much can a girl take?)

anyway our 15 yr friendship is over and all over a stupid wedding.

take it from me, this does not get any better by keeping your mouth shut.

i say, get it out and off your chest and tell her she's being a super biatch.

[Tam-I-Am]

I think I'd just say to her that given its quite a lot of money, you're not willing to outlay it before a month or so before the wedding (for the undies, I mean), and that you will buy it then and get the dress altered if need be.

Without actually confronting her, you can't expect her to understand your point of view, however. I get the impression that you're sort of non-confrontational in these sort of circumstances, but there's a huge difference between being non-confrontational, and being walked all over. I think it really sounds like the latter is happening, and unless you DO confront her, is likely to continue.

Good luck :)

[dillydAlly]

Oh dear.

This is so not fair for you at all :no:.....

For starters why the **** do all those people need to be there to see or oogle at all of you in your underwear... How does it effect her what underwear you wear. That is just stupid.... I would never do that to my friends that are going to be my brides maids... Ok so if she is paying for it then fair enough let her buy you the underwear..... hehehe hopefully she won't expect you to return it too you :laughing:

The dress thing should be a non event. She def should be supportive of you looing weight... Could she not just buy the dress and you get it altered... At the end of the day who cares if ther eis one mil of your dress that isn't perfect. She will be too wrapped up in her own dramas to notice yours.. Gahhhh.

I recently got invited to a wedding (long story) and there was no significant other on the invitation. Even though they new dam well that I had a new partner. I would have had to go to a wedding with people that i really don't like BY MYSELF.... Grrr I declined obviously. I don't think that is fair that she expected you to not someone to look after you little one....

The shoes thing- *cough* what does height have to do with it. I am 6ft tall my two bridesmaids are 5"5 and my DF is 5"10..... I am not going to make they wear something that will make them break their ankle......:no:

You honestly have to say something. I think that she needs to realise how her planning and being so diabolical (sp?) has affected your relationship.... She is your friend... She should be welcoming you as part of her day and she obviouslt doesn't seem to care who she steps on to create her perfect day....

Sorry for the rant. I hate bridzilla's..... (although after planning a wedding i do understand how easy it is to become one :banghead:)

A

[Nowhere]

hun if you want to loose weight then dam it you loose weight, if the dress is too big it can be altered you can actualy take any dress in up to 3 sizes with out loosing the shape, she is being a twit.

I was a bridesmaide in january and was a size 16 when i went for the fitting went down to a 12, the dress fitter was not woried AT ALL and all the alterations cost me was 80 dollars i was happy to pay that rather then feeling fat and frumpy at my SIL wedding, she was also fine with the dress needong altering

hugs your friend is a bridezila

[2sweetgirls]

hahaha THATS OUTRAGEOUS!

My Bridesmaids chose their own dresses, their own shoes and chose their own hairdo's hahahahaha

OMG I would run run ruuuuuuun awaaaay!:dizzy:

I dont understand why these bridezillers have to have their bridesmaids look so freakin perfect????

Isn't it about them looking fabulous..:confused:

I would get her drunk and have it out with her like TWG suggested!:devil6:

[Nowhere]

oh i forgot to coment on the underwear, OMG how dare anyone tel you what under wear you have to have that is ridiculas, if its that super fancy suck you in under wear you wont need it after loosing weight tell her NO lol

[missie_mack]

If your paying for it I would just go along with whatever she is saying but when she wants you to buy it just say quietly that you don't have the money right now and will get it as soon as you can afford it.....

You could argue about it, snarl about it and all that which will stress her out which means she will stress you out and in the end you will be the 'bad' bridesmaid that everyone has....

If it were me I would just go along with whatever she has asked of you where you can.... she has probably been planning this day since day zip and it would be playing on her every thought.... it would be far worse for her if your dress looks yuk than for you. She is more likely to have the photos hanging around more than you are and probably more of them....

Incidently I was probably a bossy bride. I bought the dress, the shoes the jewellery, chose the hair style, colour and makeup..... however my bridesmaid (a relo) really has no style of her own and is found of the muffin top and exposed crack despite being a very tall size 18-20. She probably complained just as badly about me but then I didnt ask her for a cent and she really wasn't expected to do much for the wedding but turn up and smile. She kept the lot and was able to do what she pleased afterwards.

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for the replies.

I'm happy to wear the dress - because it's cheaper than she expected, she's paying for it all. Which is why I'm not really complaining about how ugly it is. I really don't care. I tried it on, said, "Yep, I'm happy in this," and left it there. (She later got mad at me because I wasn't "happy enough" about it...lol). I'm fine wearing it. I'll only have to look feral for that 1 day so I don't care.

She's putting my hair up too - again something I wouldn't want, but I don't care, it's her day...

It's just the whole underwear issue and the "don't lose weight after August" thing that is bothering me most.

It was pretty horrible when I tried on the dress... she had the same group of people she's going to drag along to see the underwear. I explained to her afterwards, that it was quite humiliating to be put in a dress and have the saleswoman yell out, "THE EIGHTEEN IS TOO SMALL - BOOBS MUCH TOO LARGE - GRAB THE TWENTY!"... especially in front of her very slender family looking by.

I had my bra on under it (it's sleeveless but I didn't take it off). My friend made me take it off, and when I did, she sighed, looked concerned, then said, "Hmmm... they're not as perky as I had hoped."

Wow... thanks. Then she was like, poking and prodding bits of me saying, "Yeah, you can get sucking-in undies to cover that up..."

I mean...not exactly the nicest things to hear, and not while everyone was watching.

But she didn't get it, saying it was her day...and blah blah. It just made me feel like rubbish.

The underwear is from there. She decided I need a bustier type top... something will hold up my boobs from underneath. Being that I'm an E-cup, we have to go to some shop about an hour away to find something. I'll be pretty surprised if we find anything that does the job... but you know...

We were going to go there a few weeks back and look at the shop, we were all going to catch the train down, she'd get on the same train I was on, but at her stop...and blah blah. I didn't really wanna drag Chanel down, but I was going to anyway...

Then she calls me, says, "Oh, the trains aren't running that day, so you'll have to catch a bus... I'm driving and will meet you there." A bus takes about double the time a train would... and I can't fit a pram on hte buses that run here. AND I'd have to switch buses in order to get there.

It was just so annoying, and I was like, 'I don't think I can do that," (I don't drive, nor do I have a car even if I did). She threw a tanty... but I mean, Chanel would be FERAL by the time we got there, hungry and bored and feral... and then she'd just make trying on stuff hard... and blah blah.

I was like, "Seriously, just let me get my own underwear, I'll go down when I have the time," and she's like, "No, it's for my wedding so I want to see how it looks, and i need everyone else's opinion too!"

Like, seriously, I'll know if my boobs are sagging or not! I don't need everyone else to agree.

I kinda feel like... a piece of meat and it's driving me crazy.

She keeps getting angry that I'm not excited about her wedding... but no wonder when she treats me like a brideSLAVE rather than bridesmaid, and it's been about 1.5 years since she got engaged, so I mean... yeah, the novelty has kinda worn off, and it's not ME getting married, so I mean, I can't be expected to be ecstatic for 18 months can I?

She started off such a meek bride, but now she's just getting crazy and I just wanna punch her in hte face most of the time. lol.

I'm trying to organise her hen's night too... and she's whinging about that too. "Don't do this, I don't want that, I want to have this, I don't want that."

I've known her for 10 years - I know what she'll like and what she won't! JEEZ!

It somehow seems acceptable to talk down to someone for them being fat and being short when you're a bride, but she seems to forget that it really offends me and makes me feel worthless when she does... and I did TRY to bring it up (passively...lol...as mentioned above), but she didn't get it. Too self-centred at the moment to notice I think.

She also tried to pressure me into hiring one of the rooms at the manor where she's getting married because they'll have to pay if all rooms aren't filled (there's only 4).

At the time she was trying to get me to hire a room out, she hadn't decided whether or not she'd let me have an "and guest,"... but hte price of hte room depended on it. I was like, "Well how can I know if I can get hte room or not or how much to pay, when I dunno if i can bring someone?"... bleh!

Yeah, I'm having a pretty big rant about her... she just drives me mental. I knew she'd be feral on the day, I've known her too long to think otherwise, and I expected she'd be a bit pedantic about it all... but not DEGRADING and MEAN and UNFAIR.

I mean, the poor other bridesmaid! She told her she HAS to get a tan because she's too white and will look gross in the dress if she doesn't (at this other bridesmaid's cost though!), and that she cannot get pregnant.

I mean... seriously.

GRRRRR!

[Veritas]

Stace - it sounds more like she wants a maniken (sp??) for her perfect wedding, than a friend that is there for her..... :rolleyes:

[lukaelmo]

Ooo I know it's awful, but I am actually having a bit of a giggle... She wants to choose your UNDERWEAR!!!

ARE you KIDDING ME.

That's just hilarious.

You sound like you are taking a lot of it in your stride, and all I can suggest is that you keep doing so. But... do it in a kind of, "I'm easy going but I'll only do what I want" sort of way.

So yeah... like with the undies, I'd just really calmly look at her and say "nah, I'll choose my own, thanks".

I don't know how you managed not to pop a valve already when she told you your boobs weren't perky enough... ummm... it's just all a bit weird...

[*Chels*]

OMG she sounds like a control freak!Choosing your undies??Thats going waaayyy too far!
She needs to take a:chillpill:
And you arent allowed to colour your hair??
LOL my bridesmaid arrived from NZ for my wedding with pink streaks in her hair:DShe said she could hide them,but I let her be(lucky they matched the dress LOL)

[angelickaren]

wow what a b*tch really how can she do that she should be encouring you in your weightloss not saying
"oh hon no more weightloss till after the wedding".
WTF excuse me wow she is a control freak.

i have got my dress on layby already and im also lossing weight the lady from the dress shop said to me it will be fine as i tried my dress on in early march and i put it on layby 30 april and the lady said oh my good this dress fitted you perfectly in early march but no its too big but as she said keep going the dress with fit you she could not belive how much i lost eg ALL MT BOOBS went gRRRR .

one of my bridemaids is trying to get utd and if she is well hey great as i say and we picked a dress that would be ok if she was to fall you friend needs to get a lifeeeeeeeeeeeeee
you keep going girl lose your weight stuff her and about the underwear EeeeeKKKKKKK
no words really :no:

[YMo7]

i would be saying
"this is me. this is who you asked to be bridesmaid. if you don't like it then find someone else that you can be mean, degrading and rude to, coz i won't sit by and take it."
the underwear thing - i would tell her where to go... that has to be the worst.

i can't bear to delve into the rest - i am too disgusted and would never stop typing.
take care of yourself. put you and chanel first, not bridezilla.

[MyFourCubs]

[quote=SassyMummy;2762891]But, apparently, she has to make sure my boobs look good enough for her wedding, so SHE gets to decide what type of underwear I wear. That in itself has annoyed me - she's dragging along her other half, her father and her father's gf to all SEE me in the underwear before it's purchased! WTF??!?! I'm not public property, and I'd rather not have everyone staring at my tits going, "oh yeah, they look good in that," or "Nah, they look like rubbish, see that lump of fat poking out over there??"

quote]

:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing: HA HA HA!!!! That's hilarious. Absolutely ****ing well hilarious! Is she for real????????????? It's so funny that you would have to think she was kidding, but going by the rest of your post, maybe not. I was a bridesmaid once for my bf who also wouldn't let me cut / colour my hair and was pedantic about us having same shoes, same dress length etc. Drove me nuts but sounds nothing compared to yours!
I would have to tell her to take a flying leap. Ok,firstly lay out your terms- reasonably and fairly. Tell her that you want to pick your own underwear and there is no way in hell anybody is coming to look at you trying it on. You will get the dress altered if it doesn't fit. If she can't accept this then politely decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid. That's all the advice I can offer!!!!!!!!!! (Besides telling her to take a flying leap!):D

Sara

[gizmoduckus]

I think you should tell her how you feel. Just because she's getting married doesn't mean that she can treat people as if their feelings don't matter.

[MissSparkle]

Wow that is totally outrageous! I cant believe shes chucking such a big wobbly...especially when ur offering to get the dress alterated...getting a dress taken in is alot easier and cheaper than getting it taken out (as one of my bridesmaids had to do)

As for underwear....U can buy those suck in undies and all that stuff at any target, bras n things etc.

And dont listen to her regarding shoes. My shoes werent even that high n I still have scars on my feet from my wedding (3months ago)

It'd be hard to actually talk to her about any of this stuff but Id just go ahead with the dress, get it taken in when necissary, buy comfy shoes and tell her u'd prefer ur own underwear or even suggest u'll get the underwear she wants but not until closer to the big day.

[missmum05]

Thats not fair :no:
I think you need to sit down with her and chat to your friend :yes: Good Luck:p
she sounds like a kranky stressed bride to be:laughing:

[mummeeto2]

I'm guessing that the final fittings are August? That seems a bit weird if the wedding isn't til December. I thought most brides had a final fitting a few weeks before to check everything's fine. That's when you say "Oops, lost a bit too much weight"

Choosing your underwear with an audience is waaaay too controlling. I'd be having a good long talk with her, tell her how controlling she's been and how it's affecting you.

[kazandsteve]

hiya
i think u should be able to choose your own dress and loose weight if u want to and choose your own underwear

no way i would put my bridesmaid through that

iam only having one, but i was orginally havin two but i droped one cause she was being unreasonable i thought so i decided not to have her anymore and also our friendship is no longer either
so yeah u do have to be careful how u do it

but with the ones bridemaid iam havin now i chose the design of the dress and she is having it made and i chose the colour but she can make alterations on it if she likes and can wear her hair howver she likes and jewlery shoes etc
i just wanted to chose the dress and the colour

with the dress i think its better to get it made by a dressmaker thats how my bridesmaid is gettin hers done and so that it can be made to your size and you can have it done anytime u like
maybe sit down and talk to your bride.

with the bridesmaid iam not having anymore (long story) but iam down in wollongong and shes up in campbeltown about 40- 1 hour drive
from where i live and we decided we would take it in turns to go up and down to look for dresses and at first she said yes thats fine so i went up there but when it was her turn to come down here
no way she would , using her car as an excuse that it is unreliable and then said it was a burden of her time and money to be a bridesmaid and i act like its some kind of priveledge or something
when she said that i saw red so i said stuff u sorry to burden you we dont want u in the wedding party anymore
and also said things like she will only come down to wollongong for 3 times for dresses etc thats it
when the reason why we were taking so long to find a dress to begin with was because she was the fussy one and was holding us back

anyway it turned out great now with just one bridesmaid we got everythiing organised now)

wish u all the luck
kaz

[Lastcenturymum]

Your boobs have to look right for her wedding???

Sorry, but she is being tragic - I hate to think what she will be like 2 weeks before the wedding:hair::hair:

Remind her that this is one day of her life and it actually isn't all about her. I'd start mailing her anonymous gifts..such as rubber gloves and aprons and nanna undies with 'for when the honeymoon is over' notes attached :laughing::laughing:

to answer your question, I think you are very fair to pay for your own alterations and she has no right to tell you want undies to wear (assuming you will not be wearing them on the outside....:p)

Stick your guns Sassy, best friend or not

PS, does her husband to be know what a control freak she is and will he put up with her telling him what to do for the rest of his life, cos sounds like she will be wearing the pants...

[pennylane]

Oh Sassy dont put up with her!Im getting married in March and I would NEVER treat my bridesmaids like shes treating you.It may be a special day but in the end its only a party and its not more important than my friends feelings! I want them to WANT to be there for me on my wedding day not quietly resenting me in the backround waiting for the day to be over and thats what this girl is going to end up with! A bunch of photos with a bunch of fake-smiling people who dont like her anymore!

[MilkOnTap]

She's obviously worried that she's gonna be upstaged by you and your boobs :laughing:

Sassy - take it as a compliment. Tell her that you'll get the dress that SHE wants and you will pay for it to be altered yourself closer to the date. Its totally unreasonable for her to want to dictate what kind of underwear you will wear. And shoes - for photos? Gees... I'd just take em off all day and walk around barefoot til you need to wear them for the photo itself :laughing:

Thats not cool that she's being unreasonable with Chanel too. Maybe you might be better off leaving her with your Mum or ex for the day instead of trying to kid-wrangle her at the wedding whilst your trying to deal with bridezilla?

[DoulaRobyn]

Lucky she has a such a good friend in you - most people would have told her off big time by now - you must be busting to!!!

If I were you I would sit her down for a bit of a reality check. Tell her how it is making you feel - talk about the emotions - tell her how you expect to be spoken to regardless if there is a wedding involved or not! Do not overlook your feelings to avoid hurting hers. Stand up for yourself and your boobs, girl! ;)

[mumbron]

:hugs:Instead of being a bridesmaid why don't you tell her you would just prefer to be a guest at her wedding and then she can find someone else to boss around because it sounds like your really stressed and you shouldn't be!!
Iwon't be telling my bridesmaide what they should be wearing underneath their dresses or that they can't lose weight or cut their hair i'm just glad that they can be part of mine and my df big day.
And i'm sure there are other things she should be stressing over not a dress or your weight...

[NewBeginnings]

OMG! :eek: I am completely dumbfounded by it all!

Jeepers... when I was getting married and we were shopping around I gave my bridesmaids the colour dress and shoes I wanted them to wear and told them to go get them. I didn't want them wearing the same thing... or something they would never wear again. So long as they were wearing a blue dress and silver shoes I didn't mind.

I never even thought about their hair and makeup and what not!

FAR OUT! :eek:

I'd be telling her where to go personally! Or sitting down and having it all out with her. You are not a pony she can parade around in front of anyone.... that is completely wrong!:no:

[sandy_1902]

haha omg im amazed you have stayed in it as long as you have.


i would not stand to someone making me take my bra of if i did not want to.. or anyone see me in my underwear....

she is being Very POWER HUNGRY IMO.

i think you should be able to chose your own undies who cares are they having underwear pictures??