Men looking after their children = babysitting?

[mrsmamo]

After a friendly debate between my sisters, myself, brother in law and dear hubby last night i would like to know your thoughts on the following:

My sisters 'advised' DH that he shouldnt ever say that he has to Babysit the baby when it comes (or at anytime).

They feel (and i agree) that it sounds as if the partner is doing the mother a favour when in fact it is his job also.

Hubby can see this reasoning but his immediate thought was - but i am looking after a baby so i am baby sitting :laughing:

Apparently (according to DH and BIL) men view looking after babies as babysitting, a very simplistic view lol :o

I'm interested to know what does everyone else thinks? I have to say, its not something i thought about at all before my sister bought it up last night but now she has let the worm out of the can and as much as i dont have a strong opinion on it, i do agree with them lol.

[4B2L]

A dad doesn't do baby sitting. How can a father be doing babysitting???? It is his kids. Isn't that why they had children....to raise kids.

To say that dads are only babysitting when they have the children, strongly implies that they do not have equal parenting rights.

[Jelly Baby]

A dad doesn't do baby sitting. How can a father be doing babysitting???? It is his kids. Isn't that why they had children....to raise kids.

To say that dads are only babysitting when they have the children, strongly implies that they do not have equal parenting rights.

:iagree:

MEN :banghead:

[ml2tope]

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE this!!!

This is a bit of a sore point for me, so beware, there is a rant coming. This happens so often! Men thinking that they are BABY SITTING when they are left to look after their own children but SAHMs are never 'baby sitting' they are doing 'their job'. It just INFURIATES me. My DP is exactly the same! If I try to organise something to do by myself (which doesnt happen that often) I have to check whether he is available to 'baby sit' but he will go out whenever he likes, without asking, cos it is taken for granted that i will be home (where I belong, hey?) I am sorry, but this is such a sore point. Drives me mad, in case you can't tell lol.

[moof3]

I don't babysit my three children when my husbands at work, however if I am photographing a wedding on the weekend then he is 'looking after the kids' and he sees it as work, I think the only time he sees looking after the kids as not work is if we are both their. but certainly he needs ego stroking otherwise you dont get any help. JMO

[sam's mum]

it always annoys me when people ask if DH is babysitting. It makes me feel like they are saying that I got someone in to do my job so that I could do whatever it is that I am doing. I agree with your sisters, you don't babysit your own child.

if it doesn't bother you though I wouldn't let it become an issue. It is your DHs attitude towards sharing the responsibility that is the most important anyway.

[*Bec&Bel*]

:iagree: the DAD doesn't "Babysit" :laughing: men hey!!!
The dad simply looking after there child is being a father (Fathering).

[chellegoth]

You can't baby sit your own children :no:

[Angike]

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE this!!!

This is a bit of a sore point for me, so beware, there is a rant coming. This happens so often! Men thinking that they are BABY SITTING when they are left to look after their own children but SAHMs are never 'baby sitting' they are doing 'their job'. It just INFURIATES me. My DP is exactly the same! If I try to organise something to do by myself (which doesnt happen that often) I have to check whether he is available to 'baby sit' but he will go out whenever he likes, without asking, cos it is taken for granted that i will be home (where I belong, hey?) I am sorry, but this is such a sore point. Drives me mad, in case you can't tell lol.

:iagree:

Yep - this is another reason I am so glad I'm single!!!! Drives me insane!!

I think it's also strange how I feel obliged to say "thanks" to my XDP when he "babysits" so I can go to a Dr appt :confused: I never got any thanks for doing it 24/7 for 2 years (so far).

[4B2L]

I will just add...

If someone asks me "who is babysitting your kids?" I reply "no-one, their dad is home." This is just a natural response, as I have not hired a babysitter, it is just the other half of me caring for the kids.

[neostudded]

It is not baby sitting, although, my ex calls it "baby sitting" when really he is "fathering".

I am constantly correcting him on that, but he keeps doing it!

He called it that yesterday and a bunch of people noticed and he looked so silly.

[hayleysmummy]

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE this!!!

This is a bit of a sore point for me, so beware, there is a rant coming. This happens so often! Men thinking that they are BABY SITTING when they are left to look after their own children but SAHMs are never 'baby sitting' they are doing 'their job'. It just INFURIATES me. My DP is exactly the same! If I try to organise something to do by myself (which doesnt happen that often) I have to check whether he is available to 'baby sit' but he will go out whenever he likes, without asking, cos it is taken for granted that i will be home (where I belong, hey?) I am sorry, but this is such a sore point. Drives me mad, in case you can't tell lol.

I could have written that my DP also thinks he's doing me a favour by watching DD while I have a shower :rolleyes: I have pointedout on several occasions that she is his child so half his responsibilty:mad:

[jag5000]

this is a HUGE sore point with DH and I - I'm not going to get into it too much - I'l just make myself angry :banghead::mad::hair:

he's learning though ;)

[ml2tope]

Oh, I hate the thanking him for when he babysits, changes a nappy, heats up a friggin' bottle! My DP thinks he is god's gift to the earth whenever he does something for either of the kids.. even though i have to be busy doing something else with the other child to justify getting him off his butt! I do nothing all day, but it is too difficult for you to get up change and feed two babies who are hungry at the same time, in the morning? Hmmm.... GRR! Oh and I always have to thank him if he picks up the kids from child care. Where is my thanks for "babysitting" the kids every single day of the week? How about thanks for feeding and cleaning my two babies all day, every day so I can come home and play with them for five minutes so I can think I am a great Dad? Or, thanks for getting up and doing everything for the kids and then having them back in bed by the time I come home so I dont have to interact with them at all, but can still pat myself on the back for doing such a great job?? I'm sorry to hijack the thread and go way off topic but it is little things like men "baby sitting" their own children that remind me that nothing has changed and raising kids is a woman's job and the home is where women belong. I know not all men are like that, I just hate that this attitude is still out there. I wouldnt change my job as a SAHM for anything, I love my kids and I dont want to be thanked everyday, having a great relationship with my children and seeing them develop and learn is thanks enough. I just want it to work both ways, I have my part to play in raising the kids and so does their father - but he wants to be congratulated and thanked for every little thing he does.

[subaruforestermum]

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE this!!!

This is a bit of a sore point for me, so beware, there is a rant coming. This happens so often! Men thinking that they are BABY SITTING when they are left to look after their own children but SAHMs are never 'baby sitting' they are doing 'their job'. It just INFURIATES me. My DP is exactly the same! If I try to organise something to do by myself (which doesnt happen that often) I have to check whether he is available to 'baby sit' but he will go out whenever he likes, without asking, cos it is taken for granted that i will be home (where I belong, hey?) I am sorry, but this is such a sore point. Drives me mad, in case you can't tell lol.


lol... sorry hard not to laugh, but I feel your angst.....

DF does the same thing....

NO when the father of the child looks after HIS own child then it is not babysitting, it is fulfilling his role as a father.

If however it was a step child only, then I could understand them classing it as babysitting, as its not their child!

[ml2tope]

Haha, good on you, jag. I just couldn't hold it in. Oh, and if I say that the kids are his responsibility as well etc, etc, i just get the "but you are the one that wanted them." Ahem... There's the door, Buddy!

[mrsmamo]

haha wow! what a response!

Yes i feel the same - you are not babysitting you are fulfilling the role you have created.

TBH, i really dont think he will be one to say it as he is so excited to be able to teach and guide his child - and if he were to say it i'd probably pull him up.

However its definately not a sore point ... yet... :laughing:

Its not something we even thought about or herd as an issue before my sisters bought the bantering up last night :D LOL.

Its obviosuly a very sore point for some people and i can totally relate to having to 'thank' your partner for doing things such as washing up, or making the bed etc etc, basic things that if u see it needs to be done - do it.

Unfortunately not all men think like this lol. (i actually know some women who dont think about this also - being dishes, bed, washing etc and the DP gets frustrated god bless him :laughing:)

I feel very lucky that DH was prepared to listen to our side of the argument and could actually understand where we are coming from and so i feel pretty comfortable in that it wont or rarely get said. :)

[*Bec&Bel*]

thats also SO... true about when men (not all) do the dishes or anything and we have to say thanx. In my case i have to ASK him to do the dishes and say thanx! Grr some men need to Grow up!!!!

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

No it is not baby sitting - any one other then the parents and it is babysitting.
If my husband ever ever implied it was he would be very sorry.
I don't ask permission to go anywhere- we both discuss plans first and work out the best way to takle them together.
So if I want to go out I will say so and we will decide what best suits us to make that happen, e.g work commitments, childrens commitments, and work around it.
He does not just go out when ever he feels like it and neither do I - we both think of our family first. As parents are supposed to do.

[Cordelia]

I'm lucky. My DH would be astonished if he heard other men speak like this. I go out a fair bit (he gets to go to work and get out of the house ;) ) and he just continues his parental role, the same way he does when I'm home. I honestly didn't think there'd be this many men in this day and age who would think that way.. I don't know of any?

[epiphany]

Be glad your partners do any of this stuff...babysitting or not (& no, neither of us has ever referred to him caring for his children as babysitting but it might as well be).

My husband...& I love him dearly despite this...is of the opinion that because I'm a SAHM & he works, that anything & everything to do with the kids is by "job" (as well as cooking, cleaning, everything to do with the garden, house maintenance, all money issues, plus his business' books!). He does *nothing* except his work. And believe it or not, he's actually better than my ex!

My 11 year old helps a lot round the home & is a huge life saviour.

But my hubby won't even feed or bathe my son. He would when he was little - didn't mind helping bathe him. But never does nappies (although he did when my daughter was little)...I think he's changed 1 in total & it was only because we were staying with my inlaws, I was out & my MIL refused to change it so went on & on at hubby until he did it. He got it on backwards. He has looked after him a couple of times...the latest caused such a fuss - I wanted to have a shower but didn't want to bring my son in with me. We had someone coming over to look at some building work we need done. He got really cross (because it's all my job)...I told him to deal with it...it was 10 mins, I'd been cleaning all morning...tough.

I shall stop ranting now. Sigh.

[sam's mum]

Be glad your partners do any of this stuff...babysitting or not (& no, neither of us has ever referred to him caring for his children as babysitting but it might as well be).

My husband...& I love him dearly despite this...is of the opinion that because I'm a SAHM & he works, that anything & everything to do with the kids is by "job" (as well as cooking, cleaning, everything to do with the garden, house maintenance, all money issues, plus his business' books!). He does *nothing* except his work. And believe it or not, he's actually better than my ex!

My 11 year old helps a lot round the home & is a huge life saviour.

But my hubby won't even feed or bathe my son. He would when he was little - didn't mind helping bathe him. But never does nappies (although he did when my daughter was little)...I think he's changed 1 in total & it was only because we were staying with my inlaws, I was out & my MIL refused to change it so went on & on at hubby until he did it. He got it on backwards. He has looked after him a couple of times...the latest caused such a fuss - I wanted to have a shower but didn't want to bring my son in with me. We had someone coming over to look at some building work we need done. He got really cross (because it's all my job)...I told him to deal with it...it was 10 mins, I'd been cleaning all morning...tough.

I shall stop ranting now. Sigh.


:eek: so do you get to have holidays, or a weekend? I think I know the answer....

that is above and beyond ridiculous. He needs to do a job swap with you for a week or two so that he can see that there is a huge difference between the hours and conditions that the two of you are working in.

[epiphany]

:eek: so do you get to have holidays, or a weekend? I think I know the answer....

that is above and beyond ridiculous. He needs to do a job swap with you for a week or two so that he can see that there is a huge difference between the hours and conditions that the two of you are working in.

Nope. No holidays. No weekends. The only break is when my daughter takes my son for me to play, etc. And if I'm ill, my daughter usually ends up looking after my son (with me keeping an eye on her).

To be fair, my husband works blimmin hard. He is self employed & I reckon he works maybe 80-90 hours a week (it doesn't help he is a complete workaholic). Which leads to another problem - he doesn't see the kids very often, even though he's working from home during the weekends. But he's one of these guys who thinks you show love for your family by providing for them. We've had more than a few arguments over this in the past.

Holidays are a different matter. It gets me pretty angry that he goes overseas for a bit of work...then takes an extra week or two for fun...eg, he's going to Europe in August. He has a 3 day conference in Hungary & the rest of the time is going to be spent at the Superbikes in some other country & visiting his brother in London. All without us because of the kids. He does that kind of thing a couple of times a year.

I am going on holiday in a week & a half...back home to NZ...with both kids. It'll probably be the last trip for a while as I simply don't think I'd cope with 2 littlies on my own once bubs is born. Going to NZ is the only time I can go to a movie (because I have no babysitting or other family here in AU)...go out with friends for dinner...etc...because there are people I trust to look after the kids.

Don't get me started on forgetting birthdays & all that sort of thing (I haven't had a birthday gift for 3 years (because now we don't live near his parents, no one reminds him)...let alone mother's day! Although he did manage to get something for me for xmas last year without me having to buy it).

Sigh. He is a nice guy. And I don't regret marrying him. And, despite what it all sounds like, I'm generally happy (maybe frustrated at times) & would never leave him. I just wish he had better relationship skills sometimes...

[4B2L]

Ephany....there is no excuse for your husband not being actively involved in his sons life, and I dont care if he works 150 hours.

You my dear deserve a medal. :hugs:

[MummaBear03]

We went out Saturday night to watch my brother in his debut gig at the pub. DD came with me as it was a family thing, but the others who came with us were childless for the night while their ex's "babysat" the children so this same conversation happened Saturday night when I pointed out they were simply being the parent, not the babysitter. One of them was paying her ex to look after the kids for the evening as it "wasn't his turn to have them" :eek:

No wonder he's an ex :shame:

[SpaghettiMummy]

No way is a father spending time with HIS children while the mother not around babysitting. I call it special daddy and child/ren time ;) but that's just to make it sound better that I'm going out to the kids, particularly DD1 as she's a mummy girl but doesn't mind me not being home at all as DH is more fun with doing different stuff with them while I'm out.

[CCsSurprise]

IMO a babysitter is someone who is hired and paid to look after children. DP is NOT classified as a babysitter as they are his own children (including DS2 who is DP's stepson). DP and I share responsibility for the kids therefore it is both our jobs to care for them. If a blue moon occurs and I go out, DP is "home with the kids"...he's never babysitting.

I must be one of the lucky ones as we share housework etc even though I am a SAHM. The last person out of bed makes it, one does the dishes at night while the other bathes the kids and we take it in turns, one amuses DD while the other vaccuums (she's petrified of the vaccuum cleaner) and DP is happy to take DS2 to school if he is not at work so I can stay home with DD.

I've gone off track a bit but parenting is called parenting for a reason......2 people share the job not just 1.

[SalTheGal]

This is interesting, I had no idea it was such a sore point with many...:cool:

We both refer to one on one time with DS as babysitting, as in I will often mention to a girlfriend, its my turn to be on babysitting duty with DS this sat night, DH is heading out, or vice verse, DH is on babysitting duty tonight cause I am having dinner with the girls.

But becuase we are total equals when it comes to the care of DS (we both work fulltime, and both take total repsonsibility in the care of DS) we can both use this term, and it means the same for each of us, it doesn't just represent DH's random care of his son.

We totally use the term tongue in cheek, but it kinda just rolls off the tongue in a nice simple way.

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

Nope. No holidays. No weekends. The only break is when my daughter takes my son for me to play, etc. And if I'm ill, my daughter usually ends up looking after my son (with me keeping an eye on her).

To be fair, my husband works blimmin hard. He is self employed & I reckon he works maybe 80-90 hours a week (it doesn't help he is a complete workaholic). Which leads to another problem - he doesn't see the kids very often, even though he's working from home during the weekends. But he's one of these guys who thinks you show love for your family by providing for them. We've had more than a few arguments over this in the past.

Holidays are a different matter. It gets me pretty angry that he goes overseas for a bit of work...then takes an extra week or two for fun...eg, he's going to Europe in August. He has a 3 day conference in Hungary & the rest of the time is going to be spent at the Superbikes in some other country & visiting his brother in London. All without us because of the kids. He does that kind of thing a couple of times a year.

I am going on holiday in a week & a half...back home to NZ...with both kids. It'll probably be the last trip for a while as I simply don't think I'd cope with 2 littlies on my own once bubs is born. Going to NZ is the only time I can go to a movie (because I have no babysitting or other family here in AU)...go out with friends for dinner...etc...because there are people I trust to look after the kids.

Don't get me started on forgetting birthdays & all that sort of thing (I haven't had a birthday gift for 3 years (because now we don't live near his parents, no one reminds him)...let alone mother's day! Although he did manage to get something for me for xmas last year without me having to buy it).

Sigh. He is a nice guy. And I don't regret marrying him. And, despite what it all sounds like, I'm generally happy (maybe frustrated at times) & would never leave him. I just wish he had better relationship skills sometimes...

I'm grateful for my husband and he is for me.
Your relationship sounds so unequal- like you and the children arn't very important.
I think it's really really sad and I hate to think what sort of an example he is setting for your children.
As for the holiday without you and the kids- twice a year at that, by letting him do these things over and over again, you are showing him how to treat you. Why would he stop or get better relationship skills, if he doesnt have to and he gets what he wants all the time.
I'm someone who just wouldnt put up with that, and that is why in many ways I have an ideal relationship.
I'm not trying to bag you out- you sound like you do a great job, all by your self, however I am horrified because you shouldn't have to.

[Mummyto3blue]

My DH doesnt think twice when I ask if I can go somewhere. He just says yep and thats it! He doesnt think of it as babysitting, but I have a few friends dp's that do!

[izzyrosesmum]

how funny, me and my other half had this same debate at the weekend, where on Sunday morning DH got up with DD and then when I got up an hour later at 7am! he said "i'm going back to bed for an hour now" to which i replied "oh why" and then he say's........."because i did you a favour by getting up with DD so now I am going to get another hours sleep"

well as you can imagine i was :hair: with frustration, he said that he was doing me a favour like it is my job, and my job only to see to our DD OMG!!! Why do they think of us like this? Men !!!!!

We did make up though!:valentine:

[Mamalicious]

Men babysitting their own kids is the biggest load of rubbish I've heard in a long time.

[GummyBear]

Before I had my DS I remember a guy at work saying his wife was going out for the evening. I said "so you're babysitting". And he said "actually, I think when it's your own kids, it's just called parenting!"

Not having my own kids I had never given it any thought but that made sense!

[OJandMe]

Before I had my DS I remember a guy at work saying his wife was going out for the evening. I said "so you're babysitting". And he said "actually, I think when it's your own kids, it's just called parenting!"

Not having my own kids I had never given it any thought but that made sense!

:iagree:

It's just parenting.

DH doesn't 'babysit' to imply so would mean he doesn't do 50/50 care of HIS children...

so we 'parent'. And we both do it equally.

ATM he's actually got all 3 of them at the park. :yes:

[ringneck]

i think baby sitting is looking after someone elses kids for example i am baby sitting niece and nephew friday night.
my dad never said he was baby sitting us no man i know has ever referred to having kids with them as baby sitting have heard am looking after the kids etc which i think is fine but you cant baby sit your own kid.

[YMo7]

my BIL "babysits" his kids for my sister, whereas my DH see's it as just as much his responsibility as it is mine.

She has to do it. i expect DH to do it and he expects to just do it....

i think its disgusting that she has to ask him to look after the kids and calls it babysitting just the same as she would ask a real babysitter.

[melissas159]

hahaha we are the opposite with our DS if im going out i wll ask him to babysit just outta habit and everytime he turns around and say's "its not called babysitting when they are your own"!! lol:yelclap:

[ikis84]

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE this!!!

This is a bit of a sore point for me, so beware, there is a rant coming. This happens so often! Men thinking that they are BABY SITTING when they are left to look after their own children but SAHMs are never 'baby sitting' they are doing 'their job'. It just INFURIATES me. My DP is exactly the same! If I try to organise something to do by myself (which doesnt happen that often) I have to check whether he is available to 'baby sit' but he will go out whenever he likes, without asking, cos it is taken for granted that i will be home (where I belong, hey?) I am sorry, but this is such a sore point. Drives me mad, in case you can't tell lol.

Oh I totally agree!!

[mrsgrumpygills]

epiphany - I totally understand how you feel. My husband and I are self employed, I work 2 days in the business and my husband generally 6 days and 3 nights at the moment. It is very difficult when he is away so much. We work quite close to home so he comes home for dinner before going back to work so he does at least see DS every night. I am very fortunate though in the fact that DS is completely obsessed with his dad and when he is home DS does not want to know me! So it takes care of the issue of who entertains him when we are both home. When DH has a shower I have to physically restrain DS until the door is shut then he stands at the door screaming. So my DH is pretty good when he is at home (which isn't that much) but what gets me is that I look after DS and get housework done and dinner ready. When DH looks after DS he is incapable of doing anything else and even asks me to get him snacks and drinks etc. When DS was a baby looking after the baby involved sitting infront of the TV while DS slept on him. Although it is a constant struggle to get anysort of pick-up/housework out of DH even when DS is not involved.

[Mummaholic]

So if you watch the baby, are you babysitting? Of course not. You are their mother. You are 'parenting'. Same goes for the man. My DH actually gets annoyed if anyone says he is babysitting.

[mrsmamo]

Thanks for all your responses! I have to say i was talking more about this with DH last night.

He found the dictionary term of 'babysitting' - im going to throw it in here and this is not to stir you all but he did ask me to put forward his view:
*taken from Dictionary.com

1.to take charge of a child while the parents are temporarily away. –verb (used with object) 2.to baby-sit for (a child): We've placed an ad for someone to baby-sit the youngsters in the evening. 3.to take watchful responsibility for; tend:

Whilest he understands our points of view - i guess what he is saying is correct also - see point 3.

It may not be in the right context but he still feels this is the most accurate way of describing it.... (im with you ladies) but again im not really fussed - as long as he has interraction i dont care what he calls it lol.

Again i didnt post this to try and cause arguments :) just throwing it in the pot. :thumbsup:

[Mummaholic]

That's cool, so with his definition, you will also be babysitting when you look after the kids. That's Ok.

[mrsmamo]

lol yeah i guess i will - haha

i really dont care what he calls it or what i call it - as long as its quality time together thats all im worrying about :)