Feeling guilty about stopping breasfeeding

[Eva]

I have a 3 month old boy and have been expressing breastmilk and formula feeding him for most of his life! (he only got about 200-240mls of breastmilk a day)

I was having problems with low volume coupled with constantly sore nipples, so the solution was to allow him 2 feeds a day on the breasts and express, express, express.
Problem is my milk ended up dropping to 40mls per 1 hour of expressing - partly because it became so exausting and i slackened off (had an 11 hour sleep while my husband fed my son) which pretty much dried it up.

Anyway now im starting to feel SO guilty about it. Today my son started having problems with straining to pass gas and is really irritable and i only gave up the breastmilk yesterday. He's on Karicare Sensicare HR formula.

I am surrounded by people either breastfeeding successfully themselves or who are totally all for it. But it became such that i could not spend any time going for a walk or having a play because i had to express all the time (and clean and sterilise the expresser each time - plus all the bottles etc) I also work from home so i just couldnt keep it up. To make matters worse sitting around expressing at every opportunity has made me actually put on so much weight that i am the exact same weight as when i was 9 months pregnant!!

Can anyone out there relate to my experience?? Please help me to feel better!!

[Chickadee]

Eva, I can definitely relate.

I breastfed from birth to around 6 or 7 weeks, then expressed for another 4 weeks before finally giving up. DD had gained weight ok in the first week in hospital and at the 3 week CHN check, but at 6 weeks was shockingly underweight and had dropped almost back to her birth weight. I can't even look at the pictures of her from that time. I had lots of flow, but not much in it I guess - I wasn't eatting well myself and I wonder how much is hereditary since my mum had the same problem with me and my brothers. I offered formula on the advice of the CHN to get her weight back up quickly and she refused the breast almost immediately, within a day. So I expressed and topped up with formula for another month.

I absolutely HATED expressing. It started ok but after a week I was exhausted. Like you said, there is absolutely no time to have a life - I was either being milked, feeding Chloe, or cleaning all the equipment and bottles. I have no family here in Australia so even with hubby helping as much as he could, it was impossible to keep up. I know one woman with twins who expressed for one and breastfed the other for 6 months and I have the utmost respect for her - but she also had both mum and mum in-law in daily to help.

Try not to feel guilty. You gave it everything you could and no matter how good breastmilk is for bub, I think the total quality of life for mum and bub has to be considered. Is it worth expressing and not having any energy at all to meet bub's other needs, not to mention your own needs? Doing the best thing for our kids doesn't always mean we need to martyr ourselves. To be a good parent you also need to consider your own needs - interaction with other adults, a break from bub, rest, exercise, mental stimulation, whatever...) so that you can be happy as a parent. Finding the balance between bub's and mum's needs is an individual decision and may differ for everyone. I made my choice and felt guilty for awhile, but eventually put it behind me as done and over and got on with enjoying Chloe and helping her grow and learn. I think it's just the first of what is going to be a life of tough decisions we have to make about parenting and our kids.

As for other people around you, don't let them make you feel bad. I know the looks you get, I got them myself. I saw a thread on her where one woman had an excellent reply for people who (rudely) asked why she bottle feeding, I wish I could remember it. But really it's none of their business.

My mantra: Happy mums make happy bubs :)

[jamb]

eva

i have also been feeling really guilty and torn between breastfeeding and formula. I made the decision last week to start the switch to formula completely and have started alternating feeds. Sometimes I feel my decision was purely selfish- I want some freedom and I have had enough. Unlike you I dont have a problem with supply so this makes me feel even more guilty. I was the one who wanted to be a mum and breastfeeding is part of that package. No one told me how painful it would be or how frustrating it is when bub is hungry but pulls on and off, making the whole thing very very public. At home things are fine but outings can be FRUSTRATING- repeated trips to parents rooms- if there are any!!! Then I think I should just persist as he's three months so I could make it till 6 months. Then I am right back where I started with making a decision

[nkenward]

Hi all,

I am not quite up to this stage yet - still have 4.5 months to go for my first bub. These days I feel there is so much pressure on mothers to breastfeed as they claim it is much better as it has so many benefits. I suppose this could be true. However, after reading so many posts from women who are in complete agony - is it actually worth it!!!

I was told by my mother that she had a lot of trouble breastfeeding as did my grandmother (mum's mum), and that although it may not be hereditary it could be a problem with mine. She also stated that it is claimed that breastfeed children are more likely to be healthy and immune to illness etc etc - she slammed this as being ridculous. I (27 y.o)was breastfeed for about 6 weeks (or tried to) and my brother (25 y.o) was feed straight formula - we have both been extremely healthy, very rarely if ever do we get sick even a cold, and we have no medical problems whatsoever.

So with that being said, the theory about breastmilk being better - could be true - but I am going in with an open mind and I will not feel guilty or pressured to do what someone else (maily midwives) believes to be best for me and the baby. What is the use in being in agonising pain and the baby not getting enough nourishment? It doesn't make a lot of sense!!!!

Don't feel guilty about doing what is best for you and your bub, do what is easy and painless. Don't worry about what other people think.

[schmell]

Hi Eva,

I think I found the comment MarthaM was talking about. I thought it was great so thought you should have the chance to read it!!

I am not sure who posted it originally as I just copied the text from the other thread but here it is....

"When someone asked me this time (why my baby was being fed a bottle) I was confident to ask them if they were having their period. They would either look at me as if to say I was completely mad, or say why do you want to know. I would then answer well it's a very personal thing.... Needless to say it made a few people think about what they had been asking. And I'll quote another midwife who was great with bub no 2 - " WE ALL GET CAUGHT UP IN BRESTFEEDING - LET'S FACE IT WHETHER IT'S A BOTTLE OR BOOB AS LONG AS YOU GIVE IT WITH LOVE WHO CARES"

There is also a couple of good threads about bottle feeding in the Feeding - Bottlefeeding Section. Might be worth a read, you aren't the only one out there who feels this way and it is OK!!

Good Luck

[Rell]

Hi Eva
I can relate to you problems. I always had trouble breast feeding Jacinta and like you would top up with formula and express. I made the swich to full formula when she was 6 weeks old and not gaining much weight. The guilt that followed was terrible. She is now a very healthy and bright 3 year old, no different from any breastfeed baby. When I had trouble again with Nathan I didn't hesatate to change to formula, the guilt was there a bit but I knew I was doing what was best for both mother and baby. Breast milk may be nutritionally better but if it leads to a tired stressed out mum its not worth it. You have to do whats best for you family good luck.

[maybe1more]

Hi all I think its great no matter what lenght of time you breastfed your baby for and a least you gave it a go unlike me, i felt like such a failure when didnt breastfeed my bub for long but heres why, after i had my son the midwife asked me to express to "bring my milk on" however i hurt so much that i stop to realise that i had blood blisters on my nipples, the midwife inspected the expresser and told me i had been set up for twins!!!! I was in alot of pain so the midwife brought me in some cold cabbage leaves to releive the pain a little, not even 5 minutes later a lady came in from the breastfeeding association and asked me if she could watch me breastfeed my baby to make sure he was latching properly, i told her i was in a lot of pain and told her what had happen, she didnt seem to care and proceeded to latch my son on again :mad: she said I know this might hurt a little but we need to get this right, after she left i noticed blood on my sons lips and on my nipple, i buzzed for the midwife who took my son to do some tests on him, she came back and said that my little boy was very sick from ingesting my blood and had a go "under the lights" for 3 days.It turn out that mine and my babys blood was not compatible and therefore i made him sick from the blood coming out of my nipple. I was not having a good day a all :mad: I did proceed to breastfeed my baby again but i was still in pain and wasnt producing enought milk so it stopped trying when my son was only 10 days old, :o It put me off breastfeeding thats for sure. I think next time im going to tell the midwife that im going to bottle fed so i get left alone so i will be more relaxed when i get home so hopefully i can master the art of breastfeeding, well at least for longer then 10 days. :)

[alissa-mareesmum]

Hi, Alissa has been bottle fed formular since she was one week. My breasts were so huge that we couldnt get her to latch on properly and i was not bonding with her. I leaked non stop, out of curiousity one day i used a bottle to see how much i was leaking and i stopped when i reached the 80ml mark. I also found that my milk had a strong smell and every time i went near Alissa she went for the breast, also Alissa was very jaundice which i was told was caused by breastfeeding. After a tearful first week of not bonding with my baby i spoke to my mum and my partner and an even more tearful decsion was made to change to formular feeding. And i must say it was the best thing i could of done for all of us. At the time i felt guilty but i had alot of support from my mum and partner, within the next week i felt like i had started to bond with Alissa and Tim would share the feeds also mum was able to look after and feed her while tim and i had some time to ourselves (going out, sleeping).

[draught]

I agree that you shouldn't worry about what other people think when you have made the personal decision to bottle feed. As for feeling guilty - that seems to happen with childbirth - we feel guilty about everything from then on in. You are doing the best you can for your baby so don't feel guilty.

However there are a couple of things that do need to be said here, not to make Eva or anyone else feel guilty, but to make sure that a balanced view is put. Breast milk is best - not "could be true" but actually "is true". We are very fortunate that these days modern technology being what it is means that formula is available to assist mothers who have difficulty in breast feeding so that they can help their babies to thrive.

But breast feeding doesn't have to be agony. If there is any message I want to get across it is that breast feeding shouldn't hurt, and you certainly shouldn't be put in the position where through the mistakes of midwives and others who are meant to help you, that you end up in pain and with a baby who suffers. For those mothers to be like natalie my advice is that if you have any doubts about how you are going with breast feeding, and feel you need more advice, from someone who will actually listen to you, demand to see a lactation consultant. And if she isn't listening to you, demand to see another. That way you can avoid, hopefully, some of the guilt that Eva and the others have had to work their way through. And if you still end up with dramas and go for the formula option, it will help you to reduce your guilt knowing that you did all you could.

[Eva]

Thank you all for your helpful advice and warm words. Since giving up the breastfeeding i have been surprised by how much extra energy i have - i have stopped being so hungry all the time which is helping me to lose weight, i have time to play and walk with my son, and i am bonding with him so much because i dont have to put him down all the time to express!

Im so glad i made it to 3 months of breastfeeding, made possible by the expresser. But i am also glad that i gave it up when i did. I think feeling guilty is really a waste of energy now, especially when you know youve done all you possibly can!

[Eva]

Oh and since stopping the breastfeeding my sex drive has improved too!

Of course i would prefer to breastfeed if i could, but it was just too exausting and came at too big a price when weighed up against enjoying time with my baby. I think the way to determine whether you should persist with problematic breastfeeding is this: are you neglecting your baby or depriving him of enjoyment or bonding in order to keep breastfeeding? When i saw how much i bonded with my son and how much happier he was as soon as i stopped the breastfeeding i realised it would not be worth it to continue.

[householdduties]

Hi everyone.

I just wanted to say that you shouldnt feel guilty. I had my daughter almost three years ago and I only breastfed for three days!!! Unknown to me she was slipping off my nipple and the midwife ended up saying to put her on the bottle. My daughter was not getting enough milk and I ended up getting blisters and rashes on my nipples.

I know that the arguement is that breast milk is the best for your baby, but my daughter is fine and she ended up sleeping through the night ( and has done every night since) from six weeks of age. The doctors have stated that she has not suffered from being a bottle fed baby and she is in perfectly good health.

To many mothers ( which i have realised through out my motherhood) say that i am a bad mother because I didnt try hard enough to breast feed. Mind you they are still trying to settle their children down for a whole night, let alone in their own bed and not a cot. ( my daughter has been in a king single bed since she was 20 months old)

If breastfeeding is not for you than dont feel guilty about not doing it. The formula these days provide all the nutrients for your child. You may even have a more settled child as well.

DONT bag mothers that dont breastfeed, that is my motto. :) :D :)