Depressed...am I being unreasonable?

[Leosmum]

Hi Guys,

It's hit me that once baby arrives I'll have little choice & have to spend more time around certain people I don't like (in-laws in particular) & do things I don't really want to do to 'please people' (my husband - who I absolutely adore but has such different ideas to me & does get influenced, through guilt, by his parents).
It is like my life will no longer be mine!
And don't get me wrong, I don't say that because of the changes babies bring to your life. I'm thrilled about bub!

Yesturday hubby saw his parents & came hm basically saying that he thought it would be nice for his mum to be in the labour (which I really don't want & we had discussed before), and that she asked him about a baby shower. I don't want a baby shower, but hubby thinks it would be nice to do something 'normal' for a change - I am a bit different in thinking & doing. He thinks it would be a nice way to 'include' his parents.
He feels his relationship has really changed with them since we got married.
I encourage him to see & visit his parents, but I'm not always as eager to go with him as often as the in-laws would like.
To top it off we bought a house in the same suburb - what was I thinking! - and although we have had disscussions about not coming over unannounced, I fear that that will all do out the window once the baby arrives.

I really don't like them for various issues - too long for me to go into now - & I end up angry after every time I see them, but at the same time I feel slack because they are his parents.

No win situation.....depression sets in...

[headoverfeet]

Hey Leosmum :wave:

Have you thought of any stratagies that might help you to cope with unexpected guests who just turn up unannounced?

I sort of feel the same way about people showing up at my home uninvited and it's not so bad when they offer to help you with things but very draining when all they want is a host!

I'll post some suggestions that I used if you are keen to hear them, just let me know :idea:

Also remember that it is important to keep up your social contacts, friends, family (you are happy to see), bubhub of course :D.

[Leosmum]

Thanks Babymaker, I would love your suggestions!

It is a real pet hate of mine...I find it very rude - people don't know what you have going on at that time & let's face it, most people don't come to help.

I must sound very anti-social....I'm not in general, but there are some people I would reallt rather not have to socialise with.

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I undersatnd what you are saying- His parents are presuring him and he feels torn.
Maybe you could talk to hubby and say something along the lines of
"I am glad you have a close relationship with your parents, this is very important, however you really have to respect me and the decisions we have made together when dealing with them. It is your job to set them straight, and most of all to honour our relationship, as we are having our own baby and will have our own family. I love your parents, I just feel that they are a little pushy at times, and we need to controll our own lives. I am sorry you feel that your relationship with your parents has changed, but that can be a good thing as it means you have become a man and come into your own. It doesn't mean you don't love and respect them, just that the dynamics have changed because you are now more then capable of being a husband father and decision maker on your own terms."
I know that was very long, even maybe write him a letter and then he has time to think things over- just make sure you word it without being accusitory. Also talk him up and his abilities to survive without his parents, and how manly this is :ecomcity::ecomcity:.
I hope this helps you.

[headoverfeet]

I'll post some suggestions that I used if you are keen to hear them, just let me know :idea:

*Pop a sign on your door "Mother and baby sleeping DO NOT DISTURB".
*Change your phone with your company to only ring once then to go to message bank, or do it with your answering machine.
*Remove everthing from the door of your fridge and put a "Jobs To Do" list on it- I had trouble (even with telling DF) what needed to be done. When people came over/asked me if I needed a hand or the famous "So how are things going" I just told them that "Oh I have a list on my fridge that I am trying to work though".
*Go and visit them at thier house (I know you said you don't like it) I found that by visiting other peoples houses I could leave when I wanted rather then putting up with them being at my house for hours on end, dont go with your DP if you feel he will make it harder to leave.

[tomnabbysmum]

hey chick i dont really like my inlaws either.
my man is really close to them and when we got together we were round there alll the time . they mean well but my oh dad used to always say i was getting fat when i was pregnant with my ds (thanks) i kept trying to please them when i was pregnant with my first and keep going round there and they would always come over.
then when ds was born they would always ask what do i do all day or when are goin 2 take him swimming ectectect. i went into a bad depression because of it. but when i fell pregnant with no2 i learnt to say no its hard but you gotta keep happy when ur preggers . if u know a situation is gonna get you down dont go . also with my second i went out for lunch with family and friends i diddnt want to have a baby shower and that was nice
as for the labor my oh dad came to the hospital and waited out side i felt undr pressure to get bubs out. and wanted him to go away so my birth wasnt good cos i kept thinkin about oh dad ahh then when i went to have a shower oh dad was in the room holding bubs and there was blood every where i felt very uncomfortable. so with my second i told every one that we will call them when its all over this did upset a few ppl but i told them i was nervous and just needed oh support
:ecomcity: ive gone on a bit but i hope this helps this pregnancy and birth is about you and your partner (mainly u) not ur inlaws :flowerz:

[SydDi]

I totally don't understand what it is with other people wanting to be in the room for the birth!!! I mean WTF!

Unless of course, you want them there. But there should be absolutely no question on if they are there or not! You're not a circus show for god-sake! If you don't want the in-laws there for the birth then they absolutely have no right to be there - nor should they be expect to be (in my opinion anyway)!

[DQ]

I would rather my MIL organise the baby shower (if she absolutely had to) rather than her being in the labour ward with me :eek:

Maybe you could compromise like that??

Good luck :)

Babymakers ideas are fantastic too :thumbsup:

[TeenyT]

I agree SydDi. The labour room is your domain and if you dont want your MIL there its your right to say so. Its a very private and personal experience, not a sideshow.

The baby shower thing though could be a way to please and appease hubby and his MIL. Explain you are very uncomfortable with too many people in the labour room but you would love if MIL could organise the baby shower (at her house of course so you can leave when you've had enough - Hint: fake labour pains work a treat! :devil:). That way she feels included, you get hubby off your back in a nice way and at worst, you spend an hour or two uncomfortable leaving with some really nice gifts as opposed to spending possibly quite a few hours in pain and really uncomfortable with MIL in the labour room and the experience being ruined for you forever.

You dont have to always fold to his wants and needs all the time so dont feel that your life is out of your hands. Just pick and choose what you can stomach so to speak and what is completely out of the question in regards to involvement with the ILs. Your husband needs to be gently reminded you are in an intimate relationship with him, not him and his parents and some things need to be experienced between just the two of you. They are his parents though and you will need to involve them occasionally.

[mumkc]

The main thing is that you need to decide what you are prepared to do PRIOR to the birth, discuss and compromise with your DH (although I agree - there are certain areas that are your domain and you have right of way, eg who will be in the labour ward). Write it down and STICK TO IT.

For example, I got really stressed out at the hospital with people visiting out of hours and having a LOT of visitors. On my last day I was so tired and stressed out from entertaining that I ended up in tears. I told my husband to ring anyone who had said they were coming to tell them not to, put a note on the door "Mother resting, do not disturb" and spent time just with my family.

And I am one who usually does everything to please everyone, so it has been a bit uncomfortable, but at the end of the day you have to do what is right for you because you know what they say ... happy mummy, happy baby. And as I keep saying to DH (who is still learning to say "No") ... just because your son can't ask you for time alone with you doesn't mean he doesn't want it, and isn't that more important than pleasing friends, relatives, workmates.

Planning is the key. Good luck!

[babynow]

Your thinking is really appreciable. You are thinking rationally and for far future. But I can only suggest that you to plan as per your thinking to achieve desirable results.