confused single father

[ac1979]

hey,at the moment im very confused & have no idea what is going on. im a father of a 4 yr old girl. the mother & i have been together since oct 2002. last week she left to go stay at her mothers house supposedly for the night, she has not returned since. there was no indication of her leaving or problems between us. I have spoken to her a couple of times since but she will not tell me what is going on other than she "needs time to get her head togehter" im so confused & do not know what to do, since she wont talk with me im left wondering "what the".she has only seen her daughter once in the past 8 days & for only 10 mins (she came home & left) the mother doesnt even seem phased in the slighest.She wont answer my calls or if she does she basically brushes me off. I just need answers to what the problem is. I have gone to centrelink & applied for single parenting payment but this takes 3 weeks to process so im basically broke until this time. she has left me paying $250 a week rent & all the other bills. Its not fair on myself or our daughter - she keeps asking when is mummy coming back & i dont have the answers. I really need to vent as i dont have a support network at all. i should also mention her mother is a daily weed smoker & on anti depressants & has constant mood swings. If any one would like to shed some light on my current situation that would be fantastic. I love my daughters mother so much but obviosuly something isnt right, but she just bottles all her emotions up & smokes herself silly, i would love just to know what is going on in her head so i cant start to sort mine out. Its been a very hard week. since she wont talk to me & tell me whats going on other than "she needs a break" im quite lost. Thanks for listening.:rain:

[OJandMe]

I have no adivce. :hugs:

It must be so difficult for you right now. The only thing I can say, is try and treasure this opportunity with your daughter. Try and keep her laughing and smiling, even though your heart is breaking.

I hope you get the answers you need from your partner, we're all here to support you. :yes:

[MummaBear03]

Hmm, since I don't you or her I can't really help out as to what's going on.

You are on the same side as most of us are, in that we are left broke, left to pay for everything, and left with a child asking to see the other parent so this is the right place for those sorts of questions.

I think the best thing you can say to you little one is that Mummy needs to have a holiday until she feels better because she's not feeling too good right now, and she'll be back when she's feeling better, then make positives out of it being just the 2 of you.

I hope you get answers and she can shed some light on this for you, it can't be easy.

[happymama]

:no: No magic fixes here either but to be brutally honest if that is how her mummy is she may be better off without her atleast for a time. I grew up with a mother like that and to be brutally honest from all the many times that DOCS came to check on my sisters and I, I soo wish that they had just taken us away. Take this opportunity with both your hands to make your daughters childhood fantastic. She has you and only you right now and by the sounds you love her dearly so do what you can to help her feel secure with YOU her daddy who is all she has right now. If you are desperate approach St Vincent De Paul and Salvation Army they will assist you with your rent/food as much as they are able. Please hang in there your daughter needs you more than ever and LOTS of cuddles ok :yes:

[ac1979]

thanks, yes its not easy at all. i just hope her mother will talk & tell me whats going on. she happy me being on single parenting payment so i have no idea what her intentions are. I know she is staying with a friend and working daily but the logic behind her actions is beyond my comprehension.she cant just run away from her problems she will have to face them soon they will not just go away, she is always going to have a daughter.

[ac1979]

i cant stop msg'n or calling her mother at least so i can get some answer i at least deserve that. but at the same time she said she needs a break so will i drive her away more? she is also giving mixed msg's saying she will get a restraing order, she jus needs time, then she will say its over, she will take me to court, then she loves me etc etc its all very confusing as i have no idea where i stand.im worried she will coem round & take my daughter on the premise of bringing her back but then i wont see her until i have to go to court or somethig, at least if she told me either way whether she wants to make the relationship work or not it would help. thanks again for your responses.

[MummaBear03]

I'd stop messaging her, and go up to the courts to get something from them saying that the child is with you and she has left, that will at least protect you against her taking your child. Give her that time, she seems more confused than you do so how about you just focus on you and your daughter and ignore all messages, wait a while then see what happens. Or send her a text saying you don't want to hear from her for a week, then ring and see if she's ok and wants to talk yet.

Get onto Legal Aid and get to the courts to say that the child resides with you though so she can't just walk in and snatch her.

[Amberlea]

The fact that she is a pot smoker and on anti-depressants pretty much says that she doesn't have the answers for you that you seek.

She is probably very confused herself and maybe she is going through a particularly rough time for some reason at the moment, and decided it was best to get some time out to try and put her thoughts together.

Situations like that are very hard for us to understand when we can't imagine anything worse than leaving our children behind - but for some people, that is the only way that they can cope with things.

I agree with Mummabear - stop calling and messaging her, that will only serve to frustrate her and drive her away if she does not want to talk to you.
She will contact you when she is ready.
I know that is easier said than done, but at the moment - your number one priority is your daughter.
Put your head down and do your best to provide for her and comfort her during this time.
She needs you more than anything.

If you are worried about the legailities - go and speak to a lawyer (one who does Legal Aid) and explain the situation and ask them for advice. They will explain what your rights are and how to go about doing things legally.

[Inforapenny]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
I felt like I was ready the same post that I placed in April last year. My DH was a pot smoker who just woke up one day and left, no explanation, no discussion, he just left.
Please be kind to yourself during this difficult time, it must be very traumatic for you right now.
Seek help from wherever you can, have you tried anglicare etc...They may have a crisis payment that can help until the single parents pension starts working.
Talk to centrelink or your gp and get a referral to a counsellor - my counsellor was so helpful.
You may never get any answers from your ex, I have never received any explanations, I still don't know what went wrong or why. But I am at peace with that now - time heals, counsellor talks etc...
Focus on getting your life back on track for you and your DD, I suspect that your ex doesn't want to come back and just can't tell you the truth, and the drugs would not be helping.
Separation is traumatic, and it a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. But we do survive it and things do get better.
PM if you want to talk.
Rgds Rox

[supa_star323]

I agree with what the other girls have said. I know this time must eb extremely hard for you, but you need to just try and focus on your daughter. mayeb also try to spend some time thinking about what you really want. :hugs: I hope things start to look up soon.

[purplebutterfly]

I'd stop messaging her, and go up to the courts to get something from them saying that the child is with you and she has left, that will at least protect you against her taking your child. Give her that time, she seems more confused than you do so how about you just focus on you and your daughter and ignore all messages, wait a while then see what happens. Or send her a text saying you don't want to hear from her for a week, then ring and see if she's ok and wants to talk yet.

Get onto Legal Aid and get to the courts to say that the child resides with you though so she can't just walk in and snatch her.

:iagree:

Depression is an awful thing and she may not be thinking straight (the pot smoking wont help this as you already know). Look after yourself and your dd and give her some space.

[YMo7]

yup - i agree with everyone else - case contact with her - you are the one looking after your DD, so you should be the one that calls the shots... tell her (as hard as it may be for you) that you will make contact with her when YOU are ready and until then, to leave you and your DD alone. Then call a week later and tell her you need to know whats going on.. its not doing any of you any good... You should also decide in that time for yourself whether or not the relationship is what is best for you and your daughter.
Take care for now and show your daughter just how special she is - heaven knows she needs it right now!
Look after yourself and be strong.. you will get through this.

[Dadandtwo]

Mate, the main thing you need to do is concentrate on yourself and your bub. The thing I've found as a father is that the support and networks just aren't there like they are for the mums so it can be a lot more difficult to figure out what to do. Do you have people to help you through this? Basically though, she has problems and is having to deal with them, so just leave her at the moment...and that's very hard to have to deal with I know. There was something in the thread about her being a pot smoker. Are you the same?

[frayzlilso]

Mate, the main thing you need to do is concentrate on yourself and your bub. The thing I've found as a father is that the support and networks just aren't there like they are for the mums so it can be a lot more difficult to figure out what to do. Do you have people to help you through this? Basically though, she has problems and is having to deal with them, so just leave her at the moment...and that's very hard to have to deal with I know. There was something in the thread about her being a pot smoker. Are you the same?

:iagree: start looking for those support networks rather than looking for her to come back -- even if she were to rock up on the doorstep tomorrow, it wouldnt be a cure-all and there would still be issues, and likely you would still need help with finances and your DD.

It's hard, no two ways around it, that's the cr@p part about it.

I wish you the tenacity to keep going, when all you might feel like doing is melting into a pile on the couch and watching TV.

There are some great savings ideas around on the net to help with budgeting and food shopping, which is a real help if the wallet strings are a bit tight right now.

There's also a single dad's support website - I dont know the details, but Google it and it should pop up - which is another good place to find some help too.

:hugs: Good luck!

[0BleSseD0]

xDP's ex is like that.


I don't know what you want relationship wise and I do not think this situation is fair on your DD.

But maybe you should be thankful that the influences her mother is under do not come home.

Of course.. If you are the same as she is then I do not have any advice for you. :no:


I hope your DD will be okay, just keep reminding her you love her. I think she needs that right now.

ETA: Try googling Dad's Landing Pad. I am told this is quite a good resource. It is founded by single dads.

[ac1979]

hi im the poster of this thread, i cant get into my a/c. anyway no im not a pot head & seldom drink. im so confused at the moment. the mother spent all afternoon with me & me daughter then stayed friday night, everything seemed great. sat morn i suggested we go to the zoo which see agreed. we did some shopping then went to the markets & had lunch evrything was back to normal ( didnt end up going to the zoo) around 2 pm she went back to the friends house & agreed to come back at 7pm which she did. when she returned things were different like i could sense the hostility. she wasnt as warm as she was during the day. then she left sunday morning, as she left i said do u want to fix things. she said not right now. all i wanted was an answer so i know where i stand. fast forward to today i asked her round for dinner which she agreed. she got ehre at 4.30 ate dinner at 5 then left straight after. i did keep asking her that i need to know whats going on & she wouldnt answer me. i said i need 2 knwo whether u want to fix it or not if its OVER jus tell me so we can work out arrangemts for our daughter. she would say "not right now" "she needs time" then eventually its over. then she left. she did also say that im smoothering her which is true, but i said if u tell me ther is a chance to fix it then i will leave you alone til your ready to talk. so as u can see im very confused. i think its over so what do i do, any women here would u think its over or she just needs time. when i said about our daugther she said i can look after her, i said for how long - she said she didnt know. it seems she just wants to be free & be able to do what she pleases its a very bad situation & im so confused, i would love to work things out with her but she jsut wont open up & talk. she is always wasted.

[MummaBear03]

Please, for the sake of your daughter (who has only you as a stability in her life right now) just walk away and leave things be for now. Focus on what you need to focus on and let everything else just fall into place wherever it lands. What you need to do is provide a safe and secure and predictable environment for that child because she will become confused about it even more if her mother is coming and going and in moods. I really would advise you to talk to Legal Aide and Centrelink. Feel free to PM me any time. I know it's hard but it's possible to raise a child alone, I've done it so far for almost 5 years and have a happy and secure child from it so it's possible to raise a child successfully alone.

[0BleSseD0]

Please, for the sake of your daughter (who has only you as a stability in her life right now) just walk away and leave things be for now. Focus on what you need to focus on and let everything else just fall into place wherever it lands. What you need to do is provide a safe and secure and predictable environment for that child because she will become confused about it even more if her mother is coming and going and in moods. I really would advise you to talk to Legal Aide and Centrelink. Feel free to PM me any time. I know it's hard but it's possible to raise a child alone, I've done it so far for almost 5 years and have a happy and secure child from it so it's possible to raise a child successfully alone.
:iagree:

She is not stable and secure enough to raise a child right now. :no:

[Inforapenny]

I'm so sorry you are going through this ac79, it is traumatic and heart breaking when these things happen.
I agree that you should take control of your life, for your sake as well as your dd.
I think your ex is not going to come back, but she just doesn't know how to say it. Her avoidance and vagueness screams it's over to me (sorry about being so blunt, but my ex was exactly the same - words, actions, everything - and it is definetely over between us and has been for 14 months - I am better off, but it hurt LOTS for a LONG time)
I wouldn't give her the option to be pick and choose how and when she gets involved in your dd's life. Your dd needs stability, security, safety.
Take charge:
- organise your finances, protect yourself from any joint debts or commitments etc...
- claim single parents pension and get maintenance from your ex
- negotiate access/custody orders - formalise it so you and your dd are protected
- start making your life for you

I don't think your pot head ex is going to change, I just think she is too much of a coward to be honest with you.

[supa_star323]

hi im the poster of this thread, i cant get into my a/c. anyway no im not a pot head & seldom drink. im so confused at the moment. the mother spent all afternoon with me & me daughter then stayed friday night, everything seemed great. sat morn i suggested we go to the zoo which see agreed. we did some shopping then went to the markets & had lunch evrything was back to normal ( didnt end up going to the zoo) around 2 pm she went back to the friends house & agreed to come back at 7pm which she did. when she returned things were different like i could sense the hostility. she wasnt as warm as she was during the day. then she left sunday morning, as she left i said do u want to fix things. she said not right now. all i wanted was an answer so i know where i stand. fast forward to today i asked her round for dinner which she agreed. she got ehre at 4.30 ate dinner at 5 then left straight after. i did keep asking her that i need to know whats going on & she wouldnt answer me. i said i need 2 knwo whether u want to fix it or not if its OVER jus tell me so we can work out arrangemts for our daughter. she would say "not right now" "she needs time" then eventually its over. then she left. she did also say that im smoothering her which is true, but i said if u tell me ther is a chance to fix it then i will leave you alone til your ready to talk. so as u can see im very confused. i think its over so what do i do, any women here would u think its over or she just needs time. when i said about our daugther she said i can look after her, i said for how long - she said she didnt know. it seems she just wants to be free & be able to do what she pleases its a very bad situation & im so confused, i would love to work things out with her but she jsut wont open up & talk. she is always wasted.




Hey. I am going through a similar "i need time" blah blah blah thing with my ex/bf. I think you really do need to focus on ur daughter and u. If she wants u she will come back, but don't spend time chasing her cause it wont help. Are you sure about what u want? Are u sure u still want to be with her?

[*munchkin*]

Please, for the sake of your daughter (who has only you as a stability in her life right now) just walk away and leave things be for now. Focus on what you need to focus on and let everything else just fall into place wherever it lands. .
:iagree: wise words from Mumma Bear.

I know you must be so confused by her selfish and contradictory actions right now. But you are not going to help yourself, or her, to sort your heads out by constantly calling her and asking what she wants to do.
The point is that she doesn't know right now.
Yes, that's not fair to you, but that's just how it is.
I think by keeping in constant contact, she thinks she can just come and go as she pleases - have her cake and eat it too.

You need to cease contact for now. If she wants to see her daughter, then let her do that, but make sure you are always present. Perhaps even do it at a park, so it is neutral territory.

While you are waiting for your Centrelink PPS, you can request an Emergency Payment to help you out. I think it's $500 or so.

Good luck with everything - most of us here know how you feel - it is very confusing and painful, but it does get easier with time. :hugs:

[Dadandtwo]

Agree that you just have to concentrate on yourself and your daughter mate. Whatever your girl is going through, she needs to sort herself out and it's only going to make it worse for you and your daughter if you keep contacting her. #$#%^ hard I know when you love someone, but there's nothing else you can do right now mate. I hope you have mates you can go to...a lot of men aren't great in these situations. Happy to provide advice mate if you need it. I work in the govt and know what help is around so let me know if you need anything.

[tobmac]

i couldnt read and not post please go to the court house and get the forms for her to sign to sign over custody rights to you, and ask centerlink to speak to a case worker as i know my sil got her first pension payment 1 week after applying for it just stress hardship etc, what city are you in maybe a couple of hubbers know of certain charities in your area, but if it was me i wouldnt let her out of my sight with your daughter.

[ac1979]

hi,im the postter of the thread once again i cannot log into my account so i re registered. i feel like i cant cope at the moment. the mother stayed over the w/e fri,sat sun. we went out togehter sat while our daughter was babysat & evrythnig was great. the next day she said its over.then i see her monday she says she doesnt want to see me. then turs morn rings up crying saying she wants to see our daughter, so she comes round after work & we take our daughter out shopping & she is just cold towards me says she is making n effort for me by being here ( the day before she said she didnt want to see me at all) then in the car she said i annoy her. im so confused she is showing no interest in our daughter & i cant handle her jsut by myself. the mother said she will stay with this friend for the next 6 mnths. i dont know what to do. she needs to wake up & take responsibilty for our daughter, she thinks she can jus ran around & do anything its really not fair. i dont know how i can knock some sense in to her its like her friend is just enabling her by letting her stay there. i think the mother does want to make an effort but is very confused ( she wouldnt keep stayign for the weekend etc etc would she?) any advice help would be great thanks.

[delirium]

I know it's hard to accept, but I think you have to realise that she has left the relationship, she just doesn't have the guts to tell you straight, and keep to her word. You say that she shows very little interest in your daughter, so it appears to me that the mixed signals are about making herself feel better about her decision to leave.

You obviously still love her, I do get that. But you are doing more harm to yourself by continuing to have the 'maybe she'll come home' mentality. For whatever reason, she wants to be single without custody, and maybe that's for the best. I also think that giving her some space may help her decision to come home.

[ac1979]

im not sure if you have read my other posts, the mother has just been giving me mixed msgs. she has stayed over the last 2 weekends, told me she is making an effort for our relationship to work then changing her mind, i think she is very confused & deep down wants to come back just not at the moment. she has only once said "itsover" the other msgs she has told me to my face is that "she needs time" "she will come back when shes ready" also that i give her space which i have not done as i continually msg her. do u think if i gave her the space she asked for ( as she said im smoothering her) she will come back? will she think hey, he hasnt called me for 2 days etc. i think also she is hurting & this is a part punishment for things i havnt done. still confused

[Dadandtwo]

Mate, again, I know it's difficult to have to go through when you love someone like you obviously do, but at the moment, you need to keep contact with her to zero while she is working out what she wants. The contact is not helping her do that. I know it's #$% hard for you to do that, but you have to!

[Amberlea]

he needs to wake up & take responsibilty for our daughter, she thinks she can jus ran around & do anything its really not fair. i dont know how i can knock some sense in to her its like her friend is just enabling her by letting her stay there. i think the mother does want to make an effort but is very confused ( she wouldnt keep stayign for the weekend etc etc would she?) any advice help would be great thanks.

Unfortunately, this is the way that most of us single mothers have felt about the fathers of our children at some stage.
No it isn't fair, but it is very clear that you really are going to have to give her the space that she needs and put your daughter first and look after her.

If you feel you can't cope with her alone, get some help off family, friends or local organisations such as Salvos, St Vinnies, Anglicare etc.

At the moment, you are the only stable thing your daughter has and you need to do everything in your power to look after her properly.

Leave her mother be, let her sort out her own thoughts and problems, you can't do that for her.
I agree with something someone else said - she is probably leading you on by saying she wants to be with you to cope with her own guilt of leaving your daughter.
I think she is over the relationship but can't find the strength to say so directly.
And she may not even know 100% what she wants anyway, but you need to let her work that out.

[ac1979]

just some insight from the women, how can you be sure she over the relationship if she made an effort to go out just me & her. also saying she just needs time, she said its over once but has still come back to see me & my daughter. wouldnt u think she has doubts thats why shes not making it definite? that a part of her wants to end it but a part doesnt?

[~Temet Nosce~]

I think to be honest, you deserve better. She is playing you and is only comming back when it suits her. Its not fair on you for her to be pulling you along on that string, you need to cut it for you and your daughters sake.

Its not fair on your daughter either. Comming and going and never knowing when her mummy will be back must be so confusing for your daughter poor thing.

Easier said than done I know, but I think she needs to be given 2 choices: Stay, or Leave. Dont let her stuff you around anymore.

[Bewitched]

just some insight from the women, how can you be sure she over the relationship if she made an effort to go out just me & her. also saying she just needs time, she said its over once but has still come back to see me & my daughter. wouldnt u think she has doubts thats why shes not making it definite? that a part of her wants to end it but a part doesnt?

Yes i agree. It's called - wanting the best of both worlds. If she is a heavy pot smoker and suffering depression, she would be feeling insecure, and therefore running away to stay with her friend is escaping the responsibility of being a mother and partner, as she is clearly not up for that role at all at the moment :no: Why she keeps coming back will be for one of two reasons - a) you ask her so much about whats going on she feels bad and comes around to 'please' you and see the baby or b) she really is still in love with her family and wants a future together but cant see it happening right now.

Have you asked her previously to get off the pot? Was she a happy mother before she left? There are just too many questions that i'd need answered to give you a really proper womans perspective :o

Im sorry you are going through all of this stress :hugs:

[Dadandtwo]

Just look after yourself and your daughter.

[the_original_duchess]

Since you asked for an honest female opinion. take your daughter, move away from her mother adn dont give your ex the option of being in either of your lives anymore. she is worth it at all. you deserve better and so does your daughter.
my kids dad has ignored them for the past 7 months and he is not seeing them EVER again. im over the deadbeat parent getting all the say and all the rights meanwhile the parent who does everything for their child gets **** on.
dp whats best for dd and get far far away. dont leave a number of a note. let her feel like the **** she is. let her worry and not know and wonder.
let her have her drugs, because thats what she is, a drug addict, adn who wants to be raised by one of them, and give your daughter the life, love respect and happiness she deserves.
thats my opinion, take it or leave it. its the best thing i can think of.
and just so you know im having a particularly bad day because of my deadbeat ex

[ac1979]

i love this woman so much it hurts. she has asked for time apart & i have not given her that due to my own insecurities i guess my constant calling & msg'n is prolly driving her away further. i jus feel like the mother wants to relive her teenage yrs since she had a kid a 16 but she does want to make a family work i guess just not at this very moment. today she told me she plans on staying at her current friends place for the rest of the yr. im having trouble without her help with our daughter & i think she needs to take responsibilty for her as i am. i feel like she is off having fun while im suffering & waiting for her to come back. i really dont want it to be over even if it is.

[Inforapenny]

aaawwww ac, I remember feeling the same pain and saying the same things.
But she isn't going to do the right thing, and guilting her into it won't work either.
I tried all the emotional blackmail when my ex left too (he was and is still a pothead). I even tried to make him comeback when dd was sick - becuase I couldn't cope. He did, but he didn't want to and he left as soon as he could.
You will have to do this on your own.
It does suck.
It isn't fair.
It hurts like hell.
But she is not going to come back, she is telling you want you want to hear to avoid a confrontation.
Reach out for help from someone other than her, someone who can help you get through the first few weeks - it gets easier eventually. Do you have a good friend/family/church/counsellor/social worker?
Move towns?
Get away from her - she is poison and is jerking you around.
Sorry you are going through this, :hugs:

[Bewitched]

i love this woman so much it hurts. she has asked for time apart & i have not given her that due to my own insecurities i guess my constant calling & msg'n is prolly driving her away further. i jus feel like the mother wants to relive her teenage yrs since she had a kid a 16 but she does want to make a family work i guess just not at this very moment. today she told me she plans on staying at her current friends place for the rest of the yr. im having trouble without her help with our daughter & i think she needs to take responsibilty for her as i am. i feel like she is off having fun while im suffering & waiting for her to come back. i really dont want it to be over even if it is.

She plans to stay there for the rest of the YEAR?! She is crapping on you, pure and simple. Move on mate. If you need help with your daughter ask your family for their support during this difficult time, seeing as the mother couldnt care less about her own daughters welfare :shame:

[~Temet Nosce~]

She is an insult to all the young teen mums on here. Just because she had a child young does not mean she can go back and 'relive' her teen years. She needs to step up and take some responsibility, whats more important to her, her pot smoking or her partner and daughter?

Children arent a job you can just go on leave from, nor are relationships :thumbsdown:

I know it hurts but you need to give her the choice of stay or leave. Not, 'I need time'. Time for what? Smoke pot and forget she has a daughter who is dependant on her and a partner who she is hurting? :rolleyes:

[YMo7]

i agree - she needs an ultimatum and you need to be strong enough to stick to it and move on. what she is doing isn't doing you any good, and more to the point, it mst be doing all kinds of awful things to your daughter. the things that must be going through her head, i can only imagine. you need to take control. atm she has control and she is the last person who should have it... do your bit as a dad and tell her that you need to protect and look after yourself and your daughter and if she cant be a big enough person to do it then you will but without her.
sorry if it sounds harsh... i don't mean to be rude.. its just hard seeing you and the daughter go through this.

[the_original_duchess]

ac i know how much it hurts. my husband left when i was 9 months pregnant. he constantly said he needed time, then he was leaving our relationship but not going to walk out on the kids.
now its been 7 months since they have seen their dad.
but you know what. they and i are much better people for it.
i met the man of my dreams and he actually WANTS to be apart of mine and my childrens lives.
both your girlfriend and my ex husband are selfish. so they lost their young years. so what, so did you and i. we didnt walk out on our families.
i know you feel gutted and in so much pain right now but you can get through it. its a long hard road but i guarantee there is an end to it

[toni796]

I am not going to give advice to you as it seems as though you don't listen to anyone on here. You come on here and tell everyone houw it is and how bad things are yet when people give you something you just come back on and pretty much say the same thing as the post before. Nothing is going to change if you keep going about things the way you have been. Sorry if I seem blunt but I am not going to give advice if your not going to go with anything that the others have given you. I can only imagine the hurt and pain you are going through as I have had broken realtionships and been a single parent on 2 occasions. Yes it is hard and takes a while to see the light at the end of the tunnel but if you don't take a stand for yourself and your daughter your life and her life is not going to get better.

[millismum]

It seems no-one is giving you the advice that it sounds like you want. But seriously, all the advice you have been given is spot on. It is not fair at all on your daughter the way things are going, and if you make a clean break now, after some time you will probably find that it is much easier to look after your daughter well, when she doesn't have her mother coming in and out of her life as she pleases. She must be so sad and confused right now, but with the support and love and stability that you can give her, if you focus solely on her, will help her get through this.

[Eggflip]

i love this woman so much it hurts. she has asked for time apart & i have not given her that due to my own insecurities i guess my constant calling & msg'n is prolly driving her away further. i jus feel like the mother wants to relive her teenage yrs since she had a kid a 16 but she does want to make a family work i guess just not at this very moment. today she told me she plans on staying at her current friends place for the rest of the yr. im having trouble without her help with our daughter & i think she needs to take responsibilty for her as i am. i feel like she is off having fun while im suffering & waiting for her to come back. i really dont want it to be over even if it is.

Where abouts are you? Is there anything that we can do to help physically or finanacially? Have you been to the charities?

[YMo7]

yeah - i will put my hand up to help out if i can...

[ac1979]

im in adelaide, i really dont know if there is anything you can do for me. im just finding it very hard to cope, i have put my daughter back in child care this week which has given me some time for myself, but i just feel very miserable & lonely. i have been thinking about starting the mediation process so i have something concrete for our daughter. im going to try not contact her mother she can contact me, maybe she will realise the mistake she is making.

[Eggflip]

There is a lifeline helpline that you can ring and talk to about your feelings. They will be able to help you cope emotionally with being the primary care giver.

Do you have any family and friends you can turn to?

Just focus all your attantion on yourself and your daughter noone else.

[YMo7]

well done - taking the first steps... YOU will make your daughter's life a happy one y doing so...
take care of yourself while she is at daycare and even though she knows that mummy isn't at home, don't let her know anything is wrong... tell her she has gone on holiday or something... i am a firm believer of kids not getting involved in ANY way with their parents problems... its not their fault, nor their problem. :)
oh wow - i am so relieved that excited that you have taken the first step to your future... good luck.:)

[ac1979]

yes, well the mother has asked me to go out with her tonight just the two of us & some friends. more mixed messages if she is true to her word i think i will go out with her & not bring up any of the current issues & just see if we can have fun then take it from there. any suggestions

[sunnyflower]

Look i am going to be really blunt with you.

This person was not and is not an emotionally stable enough person to be a partner and mother and she was showing you that WAY before she left.

She was taking illicit drugs (not something you do if you want to sort your problems out in a mature way),Nor is it something you do when you have a child.

I respect the fact that you say that she has/had depression,well i have had depression so bad i nearly suicided.I got off my butt and reached out and got myself sorted where i can now mange it.

You just don't want to accept that this person is not mature enough emotionally to be a partner or mother to your child.
If she was serious about being part of your family she would be getting off her butt,into drug rehab and into some counselling to sort out her problems.

Let her go mate,you are flogging a dead horse.You are both better off without her.Love is not a valid excuse to be someones doormat......

[YMo7]

yes - my suggestion is DON'T GO!

you just said that you were going to sit back and let yourself call the shots and then 2 minutes later you are going out with her tonight?! no no no...

Take control!

[~Temet Nosce~]

Id say dont go. Stand your ground and let her know you wont be pulled back and forth. Falling to her every whim is making it easier for her to send you those mixed messages.
She needs a wake up call. She needs to think.. 'oh wait.. they arent going to put their lives on hold for me.. I better take it or leave it'

[toni796]

yes - my suggestion is DON'T GO!

you just said that you were going to sit back and let yourself call the shots and then 2 minutes later you are going out with her tonight?! no no no...

Take control!

Right. Your still letting her have control by doing this.

[the_original_duchess]

you're silly if you go. she is seeing that her hold isnt as strong as it was and is trying to get a stronger grip on you again.
but i might just be wasting my breath here so do what you want. hope things turn out in the best way they can for your child. god knows she deserves some stability

[OneNowOneLater]

ac - honestly, if u go out with her tonight, it will probably make the web bigger and harder to get out of.

your DD deserves better than her mum coming and going all of the time. She's probably thinking its all her fault that "mummy" keeps leaving, like she's done something wrong.

The only way to stop your poor little girl thinking this way all of the times, is completely remove the mother from the scene. Dont let her back in and keep hurting your poor dd. IMO, she pretty much gave up her rights to YOUR little girl when she keeps running off to her friends joint.

I could catch up with you next week some time for coffee if you like, as i'm in adelaide too, cos you'll find that most of the mummas here on BH will want to help as much as possible, even from afar.

[smilewithme]

:iagree: with the others,i see it as she is just using you as an emotional crutch until she feels better then she will leave you hi and dry! It sounds nasty but i have had it happen to me.
I know you miss her but you and your daughter are so better of without her playing with your feelings because that is not real love!
So please dont go out with her anymore!

[millismum]

Oh no way! Don't go, don't go don't go!!! Don't let her send you these mixed signals, and don't let her control you like this. If you believe that she really wants to be a part of your lives, she needs to prove that by getting herself together, and she doesn't need to do that if she knows that she can come in and out of your lives as she pleases. You need to take back control of your (and your daughters lives) by saying no to tonight and to any near future proposals. If she really wants to be in your lives, she will make the effort and prove herself, but I'm sorry to have to say, but it looks from where I'm sitting, that she doesn't, and she is just simply manipulating you. If you can, call up another friend or family member, and hang out with them tonight instead.

[mum1986]

i would be telling her you can't go. her that someone needs to take care of your dd. basically the way i see it, yes you love her and it would hurt like hell to say no more to her. but the other option is to say yes-let her treat youu like dirt for however long you will put up with it then go through the pain anyway. isn't it better to say no now and get it over with.

[ac1979]

well that is the last straw, she didnt even show up, no msg or phone call. im f$%kin ****ed off. i just had a feeling she would do it as well. you guys have been right all along. i feel so angry right now.

[mum1986]

gbh's hun. you sound way way to good for her anyway. you don't deserve that sort of treatment. have you thought about getting counsiling for yourself? it's just the way you let her keep doing this it seems like you are a bit fragile atm and will be needing support at this time. she obviously is trying to end it but not in the right way, she sounds a bit messed up imo.

[V8]

She is not worth wasting your time on, take the advice of others and step up, get the help and assistance you need and are entitled to and look forward to a future with you and your DD. :hugs:

[Mum2Bella]

im in adelaide, i really dont know if there is anything you can do for me. im just finding it very hard to cope, i have put my daughter back in child care this week which has given me some time for myself, but i just feel very miserable & lonely. i have been thinking about starting the mediation process so i have something concrete for our daughter. im going to try not contact her mother she can contact me, maybe she will realise the mistake she is making.

my DF was in the same situation as you
the dasy he had his daughtyer at 9mths he went to drug rehab,did his triple P parenting course,seen a lawyer to get the mother to have contact with her daughter,

after years of fighting we have full custody of our 5 year old the birth mother has very limited contact(her doing)
i would seek legal advice,
keep a diary of all contact n phone calls(the diary is very important)
get as much family support as you can

good luck

you set the ground rules,if she wants to vist give her a time n day,if she dont like it tuff

[ac1979]

the plot thickens, ive spoken to numerous friends of hers & family. she isnt talking to anyone at all. she looks so depressed, like she is about to cry. she has told these ppl she loves me but will not talk about the situation. they have also said she is quite paranoid. she is holding down her job very well so its like all her energy is being focused on her work & the situation with me & our daughter is being blocked out. they are trying to get her help as the consensus is that we think she will "crack" very soon without professional help. we went out last sunday with our daughter & things went quite well besides her looking like absolute ****. but since then she hasnt talked to me at all. wednesday is usually the day she comes around & we take our daughter out but she didnt even show. im very concered for her mental health but unless she is a threat to herself there is not much i or her family can do. she has blocked everyone out & i think she is reaching breaking point. its a very hard situation.

[~Temet Nosce~]

So is she acctually staying with a friend as previously thought? If so are they doing anything to help her?

[ac1979]

yes she is staying with a 35 yr old friend who is also a weed smoker & has her own mental health problems. i have spoke with her boss at work & he said she is doing extremely well. so its obvious she is putting an act on at work & blocking out the whole situation with our daughter & myself. when i see her she just isnt acting herself at all & looks very depressed. 2 weeks ago she said she was happy staying with this friend but if you saw her you can see she isnt happy at all.she has not talked to me at all since sunday & briefly at her work on monday its a very bad situation. the reason im hanging on is that if she got help our relationship could work.

[toni796]

If she can't see herself that she needs help then there is little you can do unless she does see that she needs it.

[OneBabyBoy]

ac1979

My post is going to be different to the others.

My ex left me and I let him put me through that emotional rollercoaster because I loved him and I wanted him to come home and for everything to be back to normal. I wanted that more than anything. It's easy for people to say "don't let her treat you like that / take control etc" but when you're in that situation I know how hard it is. You said how much you love her and if you truly do love her then you can't just let it stop. Love doesn't work that way. I know what you're going through.

There will come a time when enough is enough for you. You'll snap and not want to take anymore from her. That is when you'll be able to start healing and moving on. I believe that point comes naturally and can't be forced. As much as we may know in our minds we shouldn't be treated like that and we dont deserve to be on that emotional rollercoaster, when you love someone you cant help it.
Until then you just need to do what you can to help her when you can. When I was younger I was diagnosed with clinical depression and I was able to hide it at work aswell but be bad enough to feel suicidal when I was alone.
If you truly fear for her safety you can report it to the police. They will send a police psychologist to assess her and if they believe she is a threat to herself or others she will be placed against her will into a mental facility where she can get the help she needs.

There will come that point where you either cant take it anymore or she gets the help she needs. Either way you just need to try and hang in there and keep your daughter safe and sheltered from what is happening. You will come out of it so much stronger than how you went into it.

Please PM me if you need to talk.