Do you ever think about the child you could have had?

[Lilyloo]

sorry if this is a touchy subject, but i'm just wanting to get this off my chest, and hope to hear from others in the same situation.

It's been 7 years and 134 days since I had a termination at 11 weeks. I still remember every tiny detail of that day and how terrible I felt afterwards.

I had counseling for months and months after and think I cried every day for as long as I can remember, the guilt and the pain has stayed with me.

I know in hindsight, that terminating was the right thing to do, it wasn't the right time, or the right person. But I can't help but think about the child I lost.

Although it's been so many years, I still think about the baby I could have had, who'd be 8 years old on the 23rd December 2008.

Does anyone else who's had a termination, ever think about the child they 'could have had'?

Should I try to put this out of my mind, and concentrate on the beautiful 'wanted' daughter I have today?

I don't know what to do. The pain is still there, I miss the baby I never got to meet. :(

[Starlet]

Yes, I do think about it...all the time.

I fell pregnant to my now husband, it was before we were together and it wasn't the right time for us(especially as I was already a single mum to 2 kids under 3). If I knew we'd be where we are now, I would have kept that baby. I have a baby to hubby now, and pregnant again and it makes me feel so guilty.

I think no matter how hard you try to put it out of your mind, it'll still always be there. I don't think there will ever be a time that I will be able to forget about it.

[Nomsie]

I used to all the time- I used to torment myself when particular dates rolled around, or when I saw kids who would have been the same age... but now I have the Twinnies to focus on, I really do feel as though I have moved on.

My bubs would have been 2 in April this year. It took a fair while, but I eventually got past the guilt- but there was a long time of me feeling guilty every day I thought about him or her, but then feeling twice as guilty if I let a day go by when I DIDN'T think of him or her, iykwim.

No one can tell you that you should or shouldn't still be grieving, or that it was so long ago, and you should be over it. Perhaps more counselling would help? :hugs: I know how hard that road is.

[susmamma]

I think it's perfectly natural to think about the baby that you lost.

I have had two miscarriages and one abortion and whilst it is always sad to lose a baby the only birthday I remember is the baby I terminated. (yes I say i 'lost' the termination baby... to me it feels that way).

I can recommend an excellent healing excercise for you. It helped me enormously.

Imagine if you will sitting under a big oak tree.
See the sky above you, is it daylight, is the sun shinning? Is it twilight or nighttime?
See the grass growing under your feet? Feel the shade of the beautiful oak tree above you.

Now imagine the soul or essence of the baby you terminated appearing before you, in any shape you feel comfortable. Now outloud, talk to your baby, explain to your baby what was going on when you decided to have the abortion. Tell the baby all about your fears, your sadness, your anger or rage, your guilt, your sense of failure, your fear, your heartache... tell the child everything you felt, explain to him/her what was going on in your life at the time and how you came to make that decision.

You must say these words outloud. Keep your eyes closed and see the baby/child/soul/entity and speak outloud as though you were talking to a real person.

Then at the end, when you feel you have said enough, ask your baby for forgiveness, tell him or her that you are sorry, and reach out and cuddle your child to you.

I did this excercise with a therapist and it was the most healing thing I ever experienced.

Also know you're not alone with these feelings, many women feel the loss of aborted babies, some for the rest of their lives. It is normal and healthy to grieve the loss of your baby. Please be kind to yourself, it's ok to not have moved on. It's ok to have a part in your heart that will always be for you lost child, whilst still loving and nuturing the baby you have with you IRL.

We are multifacited human beings, are ability to love is multidimentional. You can love the essence of your lost baby with the same intensity that you love your baby IRL... there are no rules. Let yourself feel what you feel without censoring it, without trying to make it fit a model of society. Let yourself feel the pain of regret but recognise that you made the best decision you could at the time (this is an important step in forgiveness. whilst you may make a different decision now, hey, whilst you might have made a different decision five minutes after the termination, the decision you did make was the one you felt was the correct course of action at the time.) I love the saying
'when we know better, we do better."
So make a conscious decision to recognise that in life we make mistakes, that is normal, it is part of what makes us humans. It is EXPECTED that we make errors. Bless the error, bless the mistake and move forward with the experience to know you are now a better, and more complete person for the knowledge. Life is about learning. And you are doing just that. I am doing just that. Let's release the guilt, for there is nothing to be guilty of. In order to move forward we must make mistakes, we must see the contrasting situation, feel the contrasting situation to know which choice we would make next time.

You'll get there honey.
Time, and love will get you there.

All my love :hugs:
Sus xx

[Lilyloo]

Thank you both for sharing. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I feel selfish for still grieving and thinking about this, when I have a beautiful, healthy daughter to concentrate on.

DH knows nothing, so I can't talk to him about it. It's like this private pain i'm living, and no one knows...

Like you Nomsie, I see children the same age and my heart aches.. i think about the little boy/girl I could have today...

I hope so much that I can move on from this soon. But I wonder when, or how this pain and memory will ever leave me.

[Lilyloo]

I think it's perfectly natural to think about the baby that you lost.

I have had two miscarriages and one abortion and whilst it is always sad to lose a baby the only birthday I remember is the baby I terminated. (yes I say i 'lost' the termination baby... to me it feels that way).

I can recommend an excellent healing excercise for you. It helped me enormously.

Imagine if you will sitting under a big oak tree.
See the sky above you, is it daylight, is the sun shinning? Is it twilight or nighttime?
See the grass growing under your feet? Feel the shade of the beautiful oak tree above you.

Now imagine the soul or essence of the baby you terminated appearing before you, in any shape you feel comfortable. Now outloud, talk to your baby, explain to your baby what was going on when you decided to have the abortion. Tell the baby all about your fears, your sadness, your anger or rage, your guilt, your sense of failure, your fear, your heartache... tell the child everything you felt, explain to him/her what was going on in your life at the time and how you came to make that decision.

You must say these words outloud. Keep your eyes closed and see the baby/child/soul/entity and speak outloud as though you were talking to a real person.

Then at the end, when you feel you have said enough, ask your baby for forgiveness, tell him or her that you are sorry, and reach out and cuddle your child to you.

I did this excercise with a therapist and it was

Oh Sus.. thank you so much for that.. It brought tears to my eyes.

I planted a beautiful tree in memory of the baby I lost, but unfortunately moved from that house a few years ago.

I'm going to print out what you've written there for me and keep it with me. Thank you. x

[susmamma]

Oh Sus.. thank you so much for that.. It brought tears to my eyes.

I planted a beautiful tree in memory of the baby I lost, but unfortunately moved from that house a few years ago.

I'm going to print out what you've written there for me and keep it with me. Thank you. x


You are so welcome :hugs:
It's a real sob fest doing that excercise. Make sure you've got plenty of tissues on hand!
But I tell you, it feels wonderful afterwards.

You're going to be ok honey.
I have a good feeling about these sorts of things :hugs:

[Lilyloo]

You are so welcome :hugs:
It's a real sob fest doing that excercise. Make sure you've got plenty of tissues on hand!
But I tell you, it feels wonderful afterwards.

You're going to be ok honey.
I have a good feeling about these sorts of things :hugs:

Thank you again... :hugs:

I'm all emotional now :(

[punkbaby]

I do quite often actually :( but i believe that it happened for a reason although i was never offered any counselling. I fell pregnant just after having my 3rd bubs the pregnancy wasnt meant to be and the baby wasnt going to survive (genetic disorder) so i decided to terminate at 12 weeks rather than carry for 20 weeks and have bubs pass. I wasnt strong enough to go through with it, i know i would have been a mess and alot worse if i had of let it go on.

It was so bizarre as when i would have been 5 or 6 months pregnant we had a really bad car crash and my injuries would have killed the baby so i have some peace knowing that it was something that wasnt meant to be it just happened a little earlier with some medical intervention, i know it doesnt make much sense to some and i know at times i think its crazy thinking this but to me its my little bit of comfort. I would have been a bigger mess losing a baby at that stage so far along i think.

I do wonder though if i would have had a boy or a girl and how i would have coped with 4 kids with 3 under the age of 3 but i cant avoid that :)

[ComeBackKid]

Thank you so much for starting this thread.

Even though some women can reflect and know it was the right decision at the time, it is so normal and healthy to grieve for the baby you lost.

I had an abortion 5 years ago. There is not a day that goes past that I dont regret it. I have had a rollercoaster journey with my guilt, anger and hatred. I found a wonderful program that helped me acknowledge and grieve for my baby. I was pressured into my abortion and I have never been able to forgive myself for what I did. Not a day goes past that I dont think about my baby (who I named Noah) and apologise that I didnt even give him a chance. I have now turned my grief, guilt, remorse and regret into something positive; into determination to fight for women's rights so that those who want to, can keep their babies and not be forced to choose between the life they want for themselves and their babies. I was told that having a baby would ruin my life, but killing my baby, having my baby taken away is what ruined my life.

I love you, baby boy. I am so sorry. You are so precious. I will always think of you and I will always love you. xoxo

[quitecontrary]

If my first pg had gone ahead I would have a child who would now be a 19 year old. I think about it often, especially now that I have my dd, and my dh, and had a m/c earlier this year. I was in a good relationship at the time, but it was not the time for me to have a child.
I feel that I should do what sus outlined.
I don't regret my actions but I do wonder sometimes about the baby that wasn't. I am still in occasional contact with my ex boyfriend, and wonder if he ever thinks about it too. My dh knows about it but we never discuss it - after all this time there doesn't seem much point. When it happened I didn't tell anyone in my family, it was my decision.

[naebie]

I feel guilty all the time. In hindsight, I feel that I could have kept my baby, but at the time it seemed like my only option. I also feel at times that I have been punished for my decision, as I miscarried my 2nd pregnancy at approx 16 weeks due to an 'Incompetent Cervix' arising from the TOP. I felt so guilty that I had terminated that I didn't tell my doctor, and this meant that they didn't take any extra precautions with my 2nd pregnancy- If I had told someone then maybe I would not have lost my second bub.

[forbetoel]

:hugs: to you sweetie.

I have a very close friend who had an abortion 10 years ago when she was 21, and she is still not over it.

She always remembers his/hers would be birthday, and is absolutely consumed with guilt. More so since she started her own family. She was told by the termination 'councellor' that her baby would be no bigger than the moon on her thumb nail, but has since learnt that babies of 10 weeks gestation are a lot more than that.
Those details really eat away at her.

I am the only one who knows that she has had a termination. She went through with it because she was too scared to tell her family. She can't believe now, that it ever felt a valid reason.

She says that she never gave herself a chance to think about the alternative. She just stayed in a sort of 'stand by' mode, to cope. She knows that she would have coped if she had the baby, and that she would have loved her baby as much as she loves the ones that she has now. I feel so bad for her and for all other woman going through the same pain.

My poor friend only told me about this 4 years ago. Even though I knew her at the time. :(

I hope your pain eases Katie, it must be truly hard for you at times. xoxoxoxoxox

[Lilyloo]

:hugs: to you sweetie.

I have a very close friend who had an abortion 10 years ago when she was 21, and she is still not over it.

She always remembers his/hers would be birthday, and is absolutely consumed with guilt. More so since she started her own family. She was told by the termination 'councellor' that her baby would be no bigger than the moon on her thumb nail, but has since learnt that babies of 10 weeks gestation are a lot more than that.
Those details really eat away at her.

I am the only one who knows that she has had a termination. She went through with it because she was too scared to tell her family. She can't believe now, that it ever felt a valid reason.

She says that she never gave herself a chance to think about the alternative. She just stayed in a sort of 'stand by' mode, to cope. She knows that she would have coped if she had the baby, and that she would have loved her baby as much as she loves the ones that she has now. I feel so bad for her and for all other woman going through the same pain.

My poor friend only told me about this 4 years ago. Even though I knew her at the time. :(

I hope your pain eases Katie, it must be truly hard for you at times. xoxoxoxoxox

Thank you for sharing her story. :hugs:

You sound like a wonderful, supportive friend.

It really helps to have people you can talk to and confide in. I kept this a secret for a very long time, and only recently told my mum. We were both very emotional, but I felt so much better after I'd told her.

Thanks for your kind words... x

[4babycinos]

All the time, he/she was due on my b'day, and would be 4 this year. Its very hard to forget and you shouldnt have to, it was apart of you and always will be. Your a great mum to lilly and your angel bub will always be with you:hugs:

[Queen]

I do, but then I think, if I had that child would I have my DD? :confused:
It is hard, DP does not even think about it.:(

I am glad I am not the only one who still thinks about them.

[zenifa]

I do, but then I think, if I had that child would I have my DD? :confused:
It is hard, DP does not even think about it.:(

I am glad I am not the only one who still thinks about them.

I could of written that post myself.

Yes I do think of the child I could of had and how he/she would be 4yrs old next month...........but then I also think if I had that baby, I wouldn't have my two DDs.

DH doesn't ever think about this.

[michelleB]

oh no i wish i didnt read this thread! now i feel guilty for not having thought about my terminated baby for so long. i think the baby has become so closely associated with my very evil ex that when i think of it i think of him, and i dont ever wanna think of him cos he was so nasty he very nearly broke me...thought i was over the TOP but not so sure now...