torn between logic and the urge to be a 'mummy'

[JasmineLouise]

Hello all..
im 19 and have been in a relationship for 3 and a half years with my BF (whom i adore). i'm really excited as i have just started uni and got a well paying partime job in the process. My BF has been promoted to management and consequently we just went out and bought a shiny new car.. lol:smiliedance:
Although i currently have no children of my own (that cute little one up the top is my sister), i am already feeling the need to procreate:eek:
I have spent the past few months trying to logically talk myself out of it but i dont know how long i can hold off. My family have already given themselves grandparent titles of 'poppy' and 'gran', and continually aking when i'm getting married. But the BF's family would be mortified if i was to have a child 'this young'.
I know it would be very hard to have a child at my age (were still trying to save a deposit for our house). Did anyone else experience this at any stage and what were the deciding factors in your final decison... should i hold off until we can buy our house, til i finish uni etc... :(

[M O P]

You are the only one who truly knows if you're ready or not to have children, but honestly you've got heaps of time!

Go out and enjoy yourself, find yourself, save some money!

You've a steady boyfriend you've had since school, anything can happen! I'm not trying to dampen things for you just saying make sure. My bro and sil were high school sweethearts and are married with a son but looking back I'm so glad I didn't have children with my boyfriend at 19.

[Ange&Seth]

Yes I went through this stage too. I always said if I didn't have kids by 25 then I wasn't having them as I wanted to be a 'young mum' and still be young enough to enjoy my grandkids like my parents did. Having said that though, Seth wasn't planned at all and I was 22 when I fell pregnant but in the back of my mind that age of 25 still loomed heavily.

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about it? Ultimately the decision has to be made between you and make it without considering what his parents would think because it's your lives and if it's what you want then do it. My motto is 'live your life for yourself, not anyone else' (of course that changes a little once you've got a bub:D )

I would definitely say get your finances in order though. We're in a horrible situation at the moment, with a massive amount of personal debt and trying to pay a mortgage at the same time so figure out if you can afford to live off your boyfriends wage only, and if you could handle uni with a bub.

I feel like I'm talking in circles and not really getting my point across :rolleyes:

K let me try it like this : Bottom line is do what makes the both of you happy but think of the future as well.

Does that make sense?

[the_queen]

My (now) DH and I were planning on buying a house. I was 20, he was 25. Then I suddenly got the ole "cluckiness", and my logic and rationality (is that a word??) went out the window. I followed my heart and not my head. So now we have a beautiful gorgeous wouldn't-trade-her-for-anything little girl, and another on the way.

BUT in retrospect we should have waited. If we'd waited another 8 years, we could have been living in our own home, with enough equity in the mortgage to feel a bit more secure. We would have been able to purchase a family car outright, instead of having to borrow money to do so. We would have been more "grown up" (not that I'm saying you're immature, but the thing is, none of us knows that we're not grown up until we finally are, and it's then that we realise how not-grown-up we used to be. IYKWIM ;))

If we'd waited, we would still eventually have had a beautiful gorgeous wouldn't-trade-her-for-anything little girl.

You won't regret having children now - but you might look back and think "hmmm maybe we should have waited". I guess what I'm saying is, I sometimes think about "what might have been" if we'd been more financially secure before starting a family.

However, children guarantee to bring you the kind of happiness money can't buy.

Good luck with whatever decision you make :thumbsup: I've been absolutely no help at all, have I!!:rolleyes:

[onkybear]

I had always planned to be married and have kids by the time i was 21... Unfortuantly it didn;t owrk out that way. I am now 24 (25 in June) married and pregnant with our first due in november. I only got married last year. I wanted to start trying for a baby when my dh and i got engaged in 2002, but he wanted the house the cars, the job and to be married for at least a year.:rolleyes:

I cant honestly say that it was the most fustrating wait of my life!! Bu t I am glad that we did. Only because we have a home, that is ours, we have two cars that is ours, and the finacial freedom to do what we want. If I had what I wanted there is no way that we would be where we are now.

Ultimately it is your decision, no one elses. But think about what you want and do that.

Goodluck.

[JasmineLouise]

The advice on here is great.. as you all mentioned, there is a great case for holding off but as i stated there is still the urge:o . My partner thinks we should wait until we can afford the house, but if it happened... then we would both accept it and be delighted.

I cant help myself though, i go shopping and if i see a pair of booties i like i just cant help myself. My partner doesn't see the logic in this as i am not actually pregnant.. but i remind him that it is an investment into our future. (i have about 4 shoeboxes of assorted baby goods, read mother and baby magazine and am on bub hub!!!) :laughing:

I will keep trying to convince myself that i should wait a while (at least), due to financial issues.. but the overwhelming urge will undoubtedly continue... (to counteract this i must think of the sleepless nights, feeds and nappies);)

Thanks again though.. :)

[SassyMummy]

Like everyone has said, it's only YOU who will know when you're truly ready.

That being said, I fell pregnant when I was 18. I had a part-time job at Accessorize (which is a chain accessories shop if you don't know what it is) and was in the middle of my 2nd tertiary course at TAFE (I had already completed my Beauty Course and was then onto my Make-Up Artistry course). Life wasn't perfect and I was by no means rich - but it was fun all the same.

I love my daughter (she's 8 months now - and I'm 20) to bits...but I believe that I should have waited a bit longer. I have missed out on a few things life has to offer...like just generally being "young." My Saturday nights aren't like a weekend at all - I spend them just the same as every other night. Of course, you ARE able to go out and do stuff...but it's a rarity.

I didn't plan on getting pregnant, but I was a little bit clucky and because of that I was a bit slack with contraception on occassion thinking, "Well...if it happens it happens." That way it was SORT of my decision, and sort of not my decision at the same time.

When I look back, I think "I could have done so much more!"...but then I also wonder if i would have. I wasn't a party type...and didn't go out that much. Still, if I wasn't a mother I'd have the opportunity to.

You need to think about the costs of looking after a baby. I realised after I had one that there are so many more costs involved than I thought. Nappies are really quite expensive if you want ones that don't leak. Then there's bags to tie them up with (because they can smell FOUL!), wipes, creams etc. And that's just a few nappy products.

I was going to Breast Feed, but that didn't work out - so I had to switch to formula. I use about 1 tin a week - that's $20 a week. Then there's food - you can make your own (but you need the right equiptment to do so properly I've found) or buy it for about $1-$2 a jar...and if that's all you use, you need 3 jars a day (when they start feeding regularly).

There's medicines and lotions, shampoos and washes, first-aid baby stuff (like baby-safe antiseptic creams etc)...all of which need to be bought regularly. You'll need bottles and dummies (even if you choose not to use them, it's best to have a few on hand) as well as steralisers and cleaning products. It's recommended you update teats and dummies every 2 months as well...And you'll need plenty of bibs. Breast pumps are great (I didn't think I'd need one - but boy did I!)

Then there's clothes. They always cost a bit. In 8.5 months, but daughter has gone from 0000 to a size 1...so you can imagine the number of outfits we've gone through!

And of course, your starter kit - Cot, Change-Table (I wasn't going to get one - but seriously...you'll need one if you don't want to break your back), Pram, Car-Seat, Blankets, Mattress, Wraps, Towels, Washers, Coat-Hangers and Wardrobe (if you get one), Chest of Drawers...and then you may want to decorate bubs room too.

You'll need toys and mobiles and night-lights and nappy-bags. There's just so much you'll need!

And don't forget yourself - maternity bras/pads/ante-natal care/breast pads/maternity clothes (you might need new shoes too - you might not fit into yours anymore). And if you gain a bit of weight during your pregnancy, you'll need new clothes AFTER bubs is born too.

There's really a lot to think about...and I haven't listed everything.

If you're eager to do it, and so is your bf...then please, go ahead. Young parents can be great! But seriously think about all of this...I didn't think of it all, and while I wouldn't change my decision to have Chanel...I wish i would have been a little better informed!

Let us know what you decide!

[kate_perth_10]

Hi just thought that i would put inmy 2 cents worth. I had my first at 17 and my second at 18.It wasn't an ideal situation but now i wouldn't have it any other way. I reckon if it feels right then go for it there is alot of benefits for having them young.You have the energy to run after them etc etc. Don't let other people put u off if thats what u want to do then just do it.
I know hoow u feel being clucky we're currently thinking of having number three!!!:rolleyes:

Just do what feels right for u!!!!!
Good luck with everything!!!:smiliedance:

[EskimoMumma]

What i have to say is pretty much what all the other girls have said. Stick to what you feel in your heart is what is right!

Of course you can wait and have it all but not everyone can have their cake and eat it too iykwim :fingerscrossed:

Whatever will make you and your partner happy is what to do, maybe to fill the void get a dog or cat? that could be something to look into and i guess keep your mind occupied and (im sure you are great with kids) sorta give you some practice with someone else (or pet) around the house!:detective:

(pls dont think im comparing kids to animals tho!)

Maybe discuss something like that with your DP.

[jessgray]

i had my DS at 18 and my 2nd is due this november when i am 20. my DS turns 1 in 11 days :eek:
i say do what you think is right for you :)

[Jackson84]

may i repeat what i said during a debate about when is too old to TTC?

essentially, this:

it doesnt make sense to me to build up a career, only to leave in the middle of it to have children. it makes a lot more sense to have the children first, and then work on your career.

finances arent everything. my DH earns 34k per year, and i am a full-time SAHM and i also study part-time. we may not get to do everything, but we still get to do most things. we still go on holidays, we still go out, we still go to the movies and all those little luxuries - we just budget for them in advance. may i also add that my sister and her husband are DINKs (double income no kids) and we put more money into savings per month than they do, and they dont own a house either.

owning a house doesnt mean you will be financially secure. there will always be houses - there may not always be children. maybe save up for a deposit, invest it, and then have the kids? there is nothing wrong with renting - many of our parents would have rented until most of us were grown up. i know my parents didnt buy a house until my brother was born (he was number 4 out of 7).

starting your family young means that you have time.............................................. .
.................................................. .................................................. .....................if you want six kids, you can have six kids over 15 years, and still be under 40.

my biggest recomendation would be to make sure you have some education/qualifications before you have your kids, or make plans to continue studying after you have had them. it is easier as a mature-age student to do a catch-up course, than to start from scratch.

[Odessa]

I'm in your position now! I'm 24 in June, DP is 25 in August. We've been together for over 7 years now and we're talking about marriage and kids. He wants to wait until we're married and have our personal debts paid out, plus we're both a little on the "chubby" side :rolleyes: so we're both gymming it and trying to eat better so we have a head start on the fertility game when we do TTC.

The wait is AGONISING, I'm so terribly clucky and lots of people around me are having kids, and I know I can't just yet. Remaining rational is hard when the decision is such an emotional one. But I know it's the right thing to do, so I'm learning some patience (and that's never a bad thing!). I just look at it this way: We have other very important goals to achieve before we set about starting our family :)

Remember, you still have your whole life ahead of you! IMHO, you will be much happier and secure if you wait a little while and organise yourselves financially, mentally and physically for a new addition to your family. :thumbsup:

[shed]

Well, as an old duck who DID wait, I would like to put my two bob's worth in.

At 19 years old I was UNBELIEVABLY clucky. I would go out and buy baby clothes and put them away in my glory box. I absolutely couldn't wait to be a mum. I was in a relationship at the time with a very nice boy who loved me alot and who would have stuck by me and we would have got married and the whole bit.

Why didn't I do it?

I'm not really sure to be honest!! the cluckiness comes and goes. It ACHES when its there, and then it SUBSIDES. then it comes back, then it subsides for a while. This happens right through your twenties and into your thirties. Its a natural biological function, designed so we will reproduce.

Does that mean we should do it? Not necessarily. My cluckiness subsided at around age 21 for a couple of years, then came back at about 24 for a while, then went away again for a couple of years, then came back at 27. It didn't go away, it just didn't ACHE so bad for a while.

During these years I studied and travelled and worked and hung out with people who had babies to get my fix and looked forward to the day when it finally happened for me.

So here I am, at 36 and FINALLY having my baby.

Why did I finally do it? Well, its a bit weird but...my four year old niece was at my place "hanging out with aunty" one day and I brought out the chopping board from the cupboard and she goes "Me and my mum have got a chopping board like that".

I had a overwhelming physical reaction. I think I even groaned out loud. I wanted my own babies. I didn't just want someone else's kid's around me anymore. I loved them but it wasn't enough. I wanted my own baby to tell someone else about our chopping board. :D

It was time.

I am rambling, but basically my advice to my 19 year old friends (yes, I have friends this age) is, WAIT if you can. If you are going to be a good mum at 19, you are going to be a good mum at 23, 27, 30, 34, 37, 40.

Feel free to ignore my advice - I don't mind because there is no right answer and no right age.

But just know that the urge does come and go and its a normal natural part of being a woman, and one day you are going to actually go for it, but there is no rush. You won't miss out. I waited nearly twenty years and I haven't missed out.

You don't need to wait as long as me though! I only ever wanted one child so that was why I thought I had time as well.

Good luck!

[Hokey Pokey]

We had our second daughter when we were 19 and she was planned.
There was a comment made earlier about having your family then working towards your career and I have to agree this is what works for me!
You can study while you are preganant, you can take time off and by the time your child is old enough to start school, you can have finished your studies and be working.
Having children young does not mean it is the end of the world, it's a blessing as long as there is love, enough money to provide them with clothing, food and a home full of love what more does a child need?
At the end of the day only YOU can decide, we all have different desires.
Just make sure that your partner is happy with the decision too.
Best of luck!

[JasmineLouise]

Sorry about the slow reply.. we went over to the Grampians for easter and i had a bit to catch up on... lol.

Thanks for all the helpful advice.. after a long discussion, my partner and i both said that we will wait until december and then see where we are heading at that stage. Basically he's looking to get promoted by the end of the year so that will lead to a bit more $$$ for the both of us. Even if we decide that we are not quite ready by then, we can set another realistic time to again re-evaluate. In a sense at least it gives me something to look forward to in the meantime, and ill be a little further into my degree by then too. :smiliedance:

Thankyou again... you have all been lovely and supportive. :yelclap:

[jessi]

My partner and I had and still have nothing. We decided to go travelling and blew all our money on that... even though we found out we were expecting only a few days after leaving on our trip. It wasnt planned, and theres no way we can afford it but we are both big lovers of children and had both wanted to be young parents so we decided to keep it.

I am now half way, we still have nothing- infact im pretty sure we will still be 'passing through' my parents house when bubs is born (:fingerscrossed: that wont be the case though!!)... While we are excited about bubs, we both wish that we could have gotten something behind us, like a decent car, a house etc... I mean, we are still with my parents for gods sake!! Definatly not the best start. We dont have any money and times are not great for us because we both feel we cant provide for our tiny family yet. (We cant afford food or petrol :( let alone all the doctor appointments!!)

We have 15-20weeks to turn things around and I am confident we will at least be able to provide a loving environment for our little one.

I personally would suggest you wait until you are financially secure and know you will be able to handle everything that comes your way... I do know how you feel though... a little baby... awe... :smiliedance: :D

[SassyMummy]

Aren't your doctors appointments FREE? Mine were... in fact, EVERYTHING medical was free - all my appointments, tests, ante-natal classes and giving birth. All 100% free.

I understand how you feel Jessi...I was SO POOR when I was pregnant...mostly because I kind lost/quit my job (it was a bit of a combo...they didn't give me any hours but didn't fire me...so I just quit) and nobody was going to hire a pregnant girl. THAT was horrible...and my mother just took care of me most of the time. DP was just starting an apprenticeship and was therefore really poor too...so we had virtually no income and just bludged off my mother...lol.

As bad as it will sound, I have found that, even though I'm not rich, I'm not poor anymore either. I'm proud that I can live in a country where mothers get enough from their government to feed and clothe and generally take care of themselves and their babies. I get roughly $700 a fortnight, and that's not including rent allowance or anything. I still live with my mother because it's cheaper that way... and because DP is still doing his apprenticeship (so we're not rolling in money by any means).

You'll be able to do it - even if your situation is not ideal. Good luck!

[jessi]

no! $50 per doc appointment... I think I get $30 back from medicare... um... Yeah, bout the scans- Ive been told that Im entitled to 2 free utrasounds... yet for the first I paid $160 and for the second, which all the ultrasound places tell me "no-one does free scans anymore", is gonna cost me $120 (and thats only cos we shopped around for the cheapest price!!). I think we get something like $40 back on Medicare from that!
How do you manage to get so much every fortnight?? DF apparantly earns to much (yeah right, too much of what? I havent seen a single cent!)for me to get some kind of allowance. And I think if we were to apply for rent assisstance, theyd probably laugh in my face. I think next week I need to go into centerlink and sit down and have a chat to someone!!

[shed]

I don't get enough from the government to do all those things.

We will get nothing.

DP's wages and what I can eke out will be what we will be bringing up our baby with.

If you're planning ahead then its probably best to plan it without relying on the taxpayer. Those payments are for people who find themselves in situations where they can't provide for themselves. Its not a free for all handout.

[Odessa]

I agree. I'm a little uncomfortable with people planning families around the centrelink benefits they will be entitled to. Accidents happen, but Centrelink is there for assistance, not dependence.

[M O P]

It may be a little off topic, but I'm with the last two posters.

[jessi]

Its not a free for all handout.


I'm a little uncomfortable with people planning families around the centrelink benefits they will be entitled to. Accidents happen, but Centrelink is there for assistance, not dependence.


I never said that I would be relying and depending on centerlink for help, but right now, DF and I have NOTHING, and SOMETIMES you have to consider your options. We have exhausted our other 'help' options eg. parents and family. (theres only so much you can ask for)

I seriously dont think I will get anything from them (which is why I havent tried), despite the fact that neither DF OR I have had any income since the end of February. And that is not due to us not wanting to work, because DF has been. The company he works for have been screwing us around with all this paperwork and havent paid us for a lovely total of 5 weeks. I have been doing my artwork, but that certainly isnt enough for us to live off.

Just like you shed, DF's wages and what I can eke out will be what we will be bringing up our baby with.




:mad:

[Odessa]

I never said that I would be relying and depending on centerlink for help, but right now, DF and I have NOTHING, and SOMETIMES you have to consider your options. We have exhausted our other 'help' options eg. parents and family. (theres only so much you can ask for)

I seriously dont think I will get anything from them (which is why I havent tried), despite the fact that neither DF OR I have had any income since the end of February. And that is not due to us not wanting to work, because DF has been. The company he works for have been screwing us around with all this paperwork and havent paid us for a lovely total of 5 weeks. I have been doing my artwork, but that certainly isnt enough for us to live off.

Just like you shed, DF's wages and what I can eke out will be what we will be bringing up our baby with.




:mad:
jessi, my post was in no way directed at you or your situation. I'm sorry if you took offence at my comment. It was more my opinion towards what I perceive to be a systemic reliance in this country on our welfare system, I know several women who have had several children (some with men they don't really know), saying "the more the merrier, the government pays me to have kids". I am sure you are in no way this kind of person.

Your situation is not an enviable one, and I truly wish you the very best. Please accept my apologies if I offended you, this was not my intention :hugs:

[jessi]

It was more my opinion towards what I perceive to be a systemic reliance in this country on our welfare system, I know several women who have had several children (some with men they don't really know), saying "the more the merrier, the government pays me to have kids".

I hate that kind of mentality. I absolutly HATE the thought of having to claim centerlink payments, I usually dont feel like I need assisstance from them as I feel I am quiet capable of looking after myself without their help (lol, I am so stubborn with this that after a stint living in USA, I came home and even though I was unemployed for 7months -it really is hard to find a job here on the Gold Coast if you havent got 'skills'- I refused to claim centerlink payments!)... However, in times like these- I feel I have to consider the option of getting asisstance.

Thank you for your best wishes. We certainly need them at the moment!

[Odessa]

Your situation is exactly why the welfare system is there, jessi. Never be embarrassed to seek help, you're entitled to it :)

I hope you see what I was trying to say, there are women out there that abuse our system and have more babies to get more money. It's a sad and unfortunate situation. Don't worry, I know you're not one of them. :thumbsup:

[MonkeyMum05]

Hello all..
im 19 and have been in a relationship for 3 and a half years with my BF (whom i adore). i'm really excited as i have just started uni and got a well paying partime job in the process. My BF has been promoted to management and consequently we just went out and bought a shiny new car.. lol:smiliedance:
Although i currently have no children of my own (that cute little one up the top is my sister), i am already feeling the need to procreate:eek:
I have spent the past few months trying to logically talk myself out of it but i dont know how long i can hold off. My family have already given themselves grandparent titles of 'poppy' and 'gran', and continually aking when i'm getting married. But the BF's family would be mortified if i was to have a child 'this young'.
I know it would be very hard to have a child at my age (were still trying to save a deposit for our house). Did anyone else experience this at any stage and what were the deciding factors in your final decison... should i hold off until we can buy our house, til i finish uni etc... :(

I haven't read the rest of the thread... just your original post, 'truthfullsalesassistant'!

I don't believe that you need to get a degree etc. before having a child. I was pregnant at 20, married at 21... and gave birth at 21... next year at 23 I'm planning on part time study (in between having more beautiful children, of course!!!)

I believe a family should come before a mortgage. (for us anyway!) Why buy a house for a family that may never come?

It's not about what your parents think... or what his parents think... its about what you and your partner think. What you are ready for, what you are sure of. Follow your heart, and you will always make the right decision! :o