Daddies getting married but i cant tell mum!

[punkbaby]

Just a vent! I wonder why after hmm 10 years of being separated that my ten year old has been told to hide from me that her dads getting married?

She spent the weekend at her grandparents, we are pretty open with each other, although we are only nice for dds sake, i still like to think that we can talk if need be, dds old enough to click and know whats going on. Her grandmother dropped her off tonite and she was quizzing as to what size she was etc, (assuming she wanted to get her some clothes) and asking if i would let her go up north around christmas. (her dads in qld) After the few things that have happened in the past i said well i dont agree to it due to whats gone on in the past, i said is there a reason in particular why? Nothing was said so left it at that.

DD went to my bedroom to get something and must have seen my wedding dress hanging behind the door, she said Ohh mum do you think my bridesmaid dress would fit me still, nanny could use it as a pattern :confused: I said umm pattern for what? Oh i cant say.....so after a bit of reassuring etc we here that her dads getting married but we cant tell mum.

Its not like i care or anything, i couldnt really give a damn as i left him and gosh its like over ten years ago and i have a husband and 3 other children but why make out that its a bad thing for me to know? Why make her keep secrets over stupid little things like that?

I was going to call him and congratulate him and tell him that i dont have a problem with him geting married, he should know that anyhow BUT part of me sais leave it although i think its totally wrong for him to tell her to keep secrets and i wanted to stress that grrrr!! Why!! Does he think she wouldnt come home from a weekend at a wedding and not say anything :laughing:

[dreamtobeamummy]

:laughing: why would he do something so childish and stupid? that is so petty- the fact that you can't know after ten years of being separated from him.

I'm not sure what I would do, but i couldn't read the thread and not reply, I definently know that I would have the same feelings as you do, should i ring and congratulate him and part of me would say no don't bother.

Good luck in what ever you choose to do, and keep us updated ;)

[dillydAlly]

That all seems very childish to me...... It is very disrespectful towards your child to expect her to lie to you and it certainly sends her mixed messages. If he has a problem with telling you that is HIS problem and he shouldn't ever put you or your daughter in that position. Maybe he thinks you won't approve or that you will pass judgement....

How on earth did he expect you to trust his family to take your daughter away to Queensland if they didn't tell you the truth about the premise of the trip... Def not encouraging trust is it :yelclap:

I def think that you need to confront him about it. I do think that it puts you in a tough position as you don't want your ex to make you daughter suffer because she told you but you also want him to know that your daughter doesn't keep secrets.

Sneaky sneaky sneaky.

:shame:

[Grace3]

He shouldn't have used his own child this way.

:shame::shame::shame:

[JATS]

WOW I'd be PI$$ed if anyone was encouraging my child to keep secrets from me!

I'd be telling them they obviously can't be trusted to be honest about where they are taking your child and why, and until you can trust them your child will be staying with you!

The nerve!:banghead:

[punkbaby]

Hmm thats my main issue the lies and secrets, i have raised her to be upfront and honest and also have raised her to know she can come to be about anything at all! I want her to know she can and he undoes it all! I was going to ring him but his the type of guy who will get all cocky and think that i am angry because his getting married, not because he told dd to keep secrets....idiot!

For the record if he wants her as bridesmaid he might have to change the location as shes not going up there for it, (his families here so i am not sure if the weddings up there or down here yet) she knows how i feel about that! Unless he offers to fly me up to escort her up there and find me a motel for the night :)

We have just had the secret chat with dd again and she is so relieved she can tell me but i have told her for now that i wont say anything and next time she talks to him to mention it to her dad and tell him that she wants to tell me so i will shut my mouth tonite :)

[dillydAlly]

Sounds like a good plan....

Let him swim in it till his fingers go all pruny... Heheheh I think I know his type. I assume he knows your DD will tell you and maybe was telling her with the intention of getting a rise out of you.... Maybe he just likes the attention.......

Good luck...

A

[JATS]

From your OP it sounded like it was his parents playing the deception game, not him... Unless he put them up to it.

If anything happened between DH and I, I know my MIL would be the type not to need encouragement to play games like this. Nice as pie to your face but behind your back... :rolleyes:

[punkbaby]

Hmm not when she was nearly crying as she told me, she was terrified that she let it slip so i dont think thats the case. I just want to do whats right for dd as she feels bad shes told me now so hopefully he allows her to tell me, even though i know :)

JATS its both of them, the grandparents and him he was down for the week, i found that out too :)

[cinnamonbear]

what is he thinking encouraging her to keep secrets..in her eyes now she will think its ok to hide things. Some people are just so silly. He prob doesnt see the bigger picture of what lesson she has just learnt.

[Inforapenny]

I hate it when children are encouraged or scared into telling secrets.
How would he feel if someone did something bad and made her keep it a secret?
How is a child able to tell the difference between the secrets they 'should' keep and the ones they should tell.
She is getting to the age where the last thing you want is her to stop talking to her parents, her curiosity about life, sex, drugs, boys is all going to develop soon and you want to be able to discuss that with her.
Tell him to grow up and put his daughters welfare first.

[punkbaby]

I hate it when children are encouraged or scared into telling secrets.
How would he feel if someone did something bad and made her keep it a secret?
How is a child able to tell the difference between the secrets they 'should' keep and the ones they should tell.
She is getting to the age where the last thing you want is her to stop talking to her parents, her curiosity about life, sex, drugs, boys is all going to develop soon and you want to be able to discuss that with her.
Tell him to grow up and put his daughters welfare first.

Exactly!! Thats how i see it i like to feel that i am a freind as well as a parent with my kids and being bought up and told it was the right thing to do to keep secrets etc i dont want my kids to go through that, seeing its been ten years its like God get over it!!
We have had a good talk and i have spoken to him since and told him that there is no need to hide something like that i am happy for him but he might like to actually tell me that his getting married so i can make sure he can have her that weekend! He didnt think of that, seeing we have a pretty unset access routine. I dont think he liked it but hopefully he thinks! As for his mother i told him to sort her out lol

[SassyDiva]

That is terrible, how dare they make your daughter apart of their silly childish games.
For that reason I'd be on the phone to them. The fact they are telling your daughter something then asking her to keep it a secret from you is just not on, they have no right to put her in that situation.

If they cant respect what they did was wrong I'd be setting up new boundries for their visits as they cant be trusted to put her wellbeing first