EDIOH
11-04-2006, 10:52
Yes, Virginia, There is a Babydust Fairy
Dear Soper:
I was recently diagnosed with a condition that will make it difficult for us to conceive without medical intervention. I have been hearing about "babydust" ever since we started trying to get pregnant, and am confused. Do you know if there is an actual babydust fairy? If so, what are you supposed to do to attract her?
We have tried for so long to get pregnant -- I've done everything you are supposed to: gotten drunk and had sex at a party (boy, was mom surprised when she found us in my nephew's bedroom during his sister' confirmation party!), relaxed and had sex, pretended we didn't want kids and had sex, then finally just gave up and adopted (our fourth cat) -- all to no avail. I am wondering if my lack of faith in the babydust fairy might be why all of our attempts have failed. Please help me.
Sincerely,
Virginia B. Barren
Dear Virginia:
I, too, have long heard of the apocryphal "babydust" fairy. Wherever there are women who cannot get pregnant, whispers of the babydust fairy abound. Consider this passage from the world's preeminent infertility scholar, Ivanna Baby: "[s]ome have suggested the babydust fairy is merely a mythological manifestation of some deeply ingrained collective memory, an echo of an ancient fertility goddess. Others, however, believe that she is an actual corporeal being, who can be lured and appeased through the use of carefully orchestrated rituals." Virginia, your letter piqued my sense of scientific inquiry, so I set out to solve this mystery for you -- is the babydust fairy real?
Ivanna Baby writes "[s]ince ancient times, women have believed in a magic fairy whose 'sticky' dust is the reason for successful pregnancies. For centuries, women have invoked her name and given sacrifices or gifts to appease the babydust fairy." I carefully followed the rituals described in Ms. Baby's book, Juvenile Regression by Women Facing Infertility: Cultural Conditioning or Collective Psychosis?. Through personal research, I have discovered that the babydust fairy does, in fact, exist, but that she is not a jolly little sprite with a bag of magic dust hovering over your pregnancy test. She is actually a bitter, mean-spirited little *****. Your disbelief in her, Virginia, is not the reason you have been unsuccessful at getting pregnant. Indeed, she seems to be attracted to denial, so you might actually have been doing the right thing after all!
Because she is malicious and evil-minded, the babydust fairy will intentionally avoid those who seek to attract her, instead preferring to hang out near the backseats of cars where teenagers are having sex. Attempts to trick her by running said teenagers off and doing it in their car will not work. Um, just trust me on that.
During the course of my, er, scientific study, I did uncover an important clue that may help us better understand the mysterious ways of the babydust fairy. After running off the teenagers and putting my clothes back on, I discovered an empty bourbon bottle and a photo of Jude Law near their car when I wandered into the bushes to pee. On a hunch, I set out a bottle of bourbon and the photo of an attractive, half-nude man. Through the wonders of time-lapse photography, I was able to snap this picture:
Granted, it is blurry and hard to make out, but I believe I have captured the first photographic evidence proving the existence of the babydust fairy! See, down in front, that big blob? That's her! I know, she looks a little like Mr. Duckie, the stuffed animal my mom gave me for Easter. Weird, huh?
From the fact that she is attracted by alcohol and nudity, I have deduced that the babydust fairy is a cynical, lascivious, and slightly perverse little bugger, who prefers to stay half-drunk at all times and has a predilection for attractive young men. This would help explain the teen pregnancy rate! Repeating the experiment over several successive nights, I was able to lure the babydust fairy again by offering a bottle of tequila, half a bottle of gin, and a bottle of coconut rum, along with a photograph of Orlando Bloom, the young Marlon Brando, and Britain's Prince William. I believe this is an important discovery which may, finally, prove an effective way to lure the babydust fairy into our homes!
Unfortunately, attracting the attention of the babydust fairy will not ensure a pregnancy. As indicated earlier, for a successful pregnancy to result the babydust fairy must be convinced to sprinkle her magic dust onto the waiting woman. According to ancient wisdom, the waiting woman must repeat, over and over, that she does not want to get pregnant, must use some sort of birth control to prevent becoming pregnant, then must "accidently" slip up and use said birth control incorrectly. Doing something that could irreparably harm a developing fetus and cause you a lifetime of guilt is also recommended by Ms. Baby's book -- i.e., drinking alcohol, smoking, eating deli meat, etc.
So, in the spirit of scientific investigation, I once again successfully lured the babydust fairy into my home and attempted all of these methods. Unfortunately, it is my conclusion that the legends are wrong, and that nothing can force the babydust fairy to part with her much coveted dust. Through careful scientific evaluation, I have determined that the babydust fairy is simply too much of a *****.
So, after much inquiry, I can confidently say that, yes, Virginia, there is a babydust fairy. Wherever women are desperate, despondent, and bitter, there you will find the babydust fairy, laughing at us.
:shame: :laughing: :shame: :laughing:
Dear Soper:
I was recently diagnosed with a condition that will make it difficult for us to conceive without medical intervention. I have been hearing about "babydust" ever since we started trying to get pregnant, and am confused. Do you know if there is an actual babydust fairy? If so, what are you supposed to do to attract her?
We have tried for so long to get pregnant -- I've done everything you are supposed to: gotten drunk and had sex at a party (boy, was mom surprised when she found us in my nephew's bedroom during his sister' confirmation party!), relaxed and had sex, pretended we didn't want kids and had sex, then finally just gave up and adopted (our fourth cat) -- all to no avail. I am wondering if my lack of faith in the babydust fairy might be why all of our attempts have failed. Please help me.
Sincerely,
Virginia B. Barren
Dear Virginia:
I, too, have long heard of the apocryphal "babydust" fairy. Wherever there are women who cannot get pregnant, whispers of the babydust fairy abound. Consider this passage from the world's preeminent infertility scholar, Ivanna Baby: "[s]ome have suggested the babydust fairy is merely a mythological manifestation of some deeply ingrained collective memory, an echo of an ancient fertility goddess. Others, however, believe that she is an actual corporeal being, who can be lured and appeased through the use of carefully orchestrated rituals." Virginia, your letter piqued my sense of scientific inquiry, so I set out to solve this mystery for you -- is the babydust fairy real?
Ivanna Baby writes "[s]ince ancient times, women have believed in a magic fairy whose 'sticky' dust is the reason for successful pregnancies. For centuries, women have invoked her name and given sacrifices or gifts to appease the babydust fairy." I carefully followed the rituals described in Ms. Baby's book, Juvenile Regression by Women Facing Infertility: Cultural Conditioning or Collective Psychosis?. Through personal research, I have discovered that the babydust fairy does, in fact, exist, but that she is not a jolly little sprite with a bag of magic dust hovering over your pregnancy test. She is actually a bitter, mean-spirited little *****. Your disbelief in her, Virginia, is not the reason you have been unsuccessful at getting pregnant. Indeed, she seems to be attracted to denial, so you might actually have been doing the right thing after all!
Because she is malicious and evil-minded, the babydust fairy will intentionally avoid those who seek to attract her, instead preferring to hang out near the backseats of cars where teenagers are having sex. Attempts to trick her by running said teenagers off and doing it in their car will not work. Um, just trust me on that.
During the course of my, er, scientific study, I did uncover an important clue that may help us better understand the mysterious ways of the babydust fairy. After running off the teenagers and putting my clothes back on, I discovered an empty bourbon bottle and a photo of Jude Law near their car when I wandered into the bushes to pee. On a hunch, I set out a bottle of bourbon and the photo of an attractive, half-nude man. Through the wonders of time-lapse photography, I was able to snap this picture:
Granted, it is blurry and hard to make out, but I believe I have captured the first photographic evidence proving the existence of the babydust fairy! See, down in front, that big blob? That's her! I know, she looks a little like Mr. Duckie, the stuffed animal my mom gave me for Easter. Weird, huh?
From the fact that she is attracted by alcohol and nudity, I have deduced that the babydust fairy is a cynical, lascivious, and slightly perverse little bugger, who prefers to stay half-drunk at all times and has a predilection for attractive young men. This would help explain the teen pregnancy rate! Repeating the experiment over several successive nights, I was able to lure the babydust fairy again by offering a bottle of tequila, half a bottle of gin, and a bottle of coconut rum, along with a photograph of Orlando Bloom, the young Marlon Brando, and Britain's Prince William. I believe this is an important discovery which may, finally, prove an effective way to lure the babydust fairy into our homes!
Unfortunately, attracting the attention of the babydust fairy will not ensure a pregnancy. As indicated earlier, for a successful pregnancy to result the babydust fairy must be convinced to sprinkle her magic dust onto the waiting woman. According to ancient wisdom, the waiting woman must repeat, over and over, that she does not want to get pregnant, must use some sort of birth control to prevent becoming pregnant, then must "accidently" slip up and use said birth control incorrectly. Doing something that could irreparably harm a developing fetus and cause you a lifetime of guilt is also recommended by Ms. Baby's book -- i.e., drinking alcohol, smoking, eating deli meat, etc.
So, in the spirit of scientific investigation, I once again successfully lured the babydust fairy into my home and attempted all of these methods. Unfortunately, it is my conclusion that the legends are wrong, and that nothing can force the babydust fairy to part with her much coveted dust. Through careful scientific evaluation, I have determined that the babydust fairy is simply too much of a *****.
So, after much inquiry, I can confidently say that, yes, Virginia, there is a babydust fairy. Wherever women are desperate, despondent, and bitter, there you will find the babydust fairy, laughing at us.
:shame: :laughing: :shame: :laughing: