What to do? (long)...

[R-C's mum]

Not valid anymore.

[jaimie]

I cant ssy I have been there before but I think your fist instinct is normally right and I think you need to decide if you love him enough to work thru it(if he is cheating) and personally I would phone this woman and see what she says. At least if you get a straight answer from her you can make a start on deciding what you want to do. :) I hope you can sort it out .:hugs:

[dannii]

maybe start doing a little more detective work :detective:
before accusing him.. yup, i know its hard! does he keep all the text messages.. more to the point have u read them all? and do they seem work related like he says?
Does he go out much without you? .. im only asking you this because if he goes to work comes home and only does the usual stuff with u and fam, would he even have the chance to cheat?

umm i dont know what else to suggest excpet have u straight out asked him why he isnt interested in the sexual part of things.

You sound like you really wanna make a go of things , good on you. i hope you get to the bottom of it.

[V8]

If it were my partner i'd be totally sus too! I don't understand why he is looking at porn late at night when he could be in bed with you! :( I think you need to look deeper into things and try and find out when and why he started behaving like this. I hope you are able to work though it, i guess it will take time and really men are oblivious to this stuff and how much it affects us.

[SassyMummy]

I have no idea what you're husbands up to - but I'd be very worried if I were you.

When I was younger, I'll admit that I was a bit of a tart. I didn't sleep around, but I loved getting attention, especially from older men. When they were married, I felt a little bad, but I still loved it. It would start as sex-talk which didn't involve each other (eg. "I love it when a guy..."), then turn into something like "I'd really like it if you..." etc etc. Not all the time, but sometimes, it turned into more than just talk...not sex (because I didn't do that), but certainly things that would be classified as "cheating" were their partners to have found out.

Thank god I've grown up...

My point is, sometimes it's just talk...perhaps he's filling a void that he feels you're not fulfilling. That doesn't mean he finds you unsexy or anything...but perhaps talking to these women is just a fantasy. He likes the thrill of talking dirty with other women, without actually physically CHEATING on you. If you've been married for a while, he may just be looking for a bit of an escape - maybe to see if he's still attractive to other women. They could just be a confidence boost.

On the other hand, he may be interested in these women for whatever reason. Again, that's not to say he doesn't find you attractive...he may just be attracted to them also, or be confused.

Either way, what you class as cheating is up to you. If I were you, I would keep checking his phone. It may not be the best idea, but I would do it. If he catches you and accuses you of not trusting him, then explain that he hasn't given you reason to trust him as of late and you're looking out for your best interests.

Maybe you should respond to some of these messages pretending to be your partner. It's a bit wrong, but at least that way you might be able to figure out his excuses are true or not...and if you get a shocked reply from the woman, then it's probably safe that your husband hasn't been sending sex messages to her. If she just responds with something skanky, then it's probably common for her to recieve such messages from him and you should confront your husband. If he's cheating, it's a far bigger issue than you snooping.

[Beany]

Perhaps you should suggest counselling.

If he's looking at pornography, then he's still got an active sexual drive, just not one he's willing to fulfill with you. This isn't a reflection of you but rather of his changing regard of you and your role. A lot of men have trouble coming to terms with their sexual partner also being a mother - it's a bit of a head-screw. It seems like two completely different worlds to them and they can't make it merge in their heads.

This doesn't mean he is cheating. Again, the fact that he's looking at porn and actively seeking release in that manner makes me suspect he isn't getting the release elsewhere outside the home.

Talk to him about it. Make it at a time when you aren't both riled up and annoyed. Make no judgements. Suggest couples counselling. If he refuses, go by yourself - they can give you effective tools to deal with the situation, at least.