insensitive friend

[pippa]

Hi guys,
It's been 2 weeks and 1 day since I found out I had miscarried and had to have my d & C. I have mentioned in my previous posts about my friend who told me she was pregnant two days after i had my M/C.

Well at the moment I'm finding it really hard to talk to her. Last Night I had a big cry (again), I was just feeling a bit sad about losing my baby, anyway I told her about this today and she just goes ahead and talks about how tired she is feeling and everything about her. I don't know whether I'm just a bit sensitive at the moment, I am happy for her, and wish her all the best of luck and hope she doesn't have to go through what I have but I just wish she would be a bit more interested in anyone else but herself.

Has anyone else who had a M/C experienced this with their freinds? I told my mum and she has met my girlfriend and thinks she is a bit self centred so maybe she is I don't know.

It 's hard because she rings me or texts me nearly every day, she even invited us to dinner on sunday nite and I initially said yes but then made and excuse because i just can't bear to sit and listen to her and all baout her when I'm hurting so much myself.

Am I being selfish ???

Hope someone can help me

Pippa. :(

[xkwzit]

Hi Pippa
I have not had a miscarriage, so can't say I know how you feel. But I do know that you do have to grieve for this child and don't feel that you should just forget and move on. You will always be your baby's mother, even if you have not been able to "mother" them.

Your friend may be self centred (I don't know), but she may also just not know what to say to you to help. She may also have concerns about her own pg and babbling about herself stops her from having to think too hard about your m/c. There may be many reasons that she is the way she is, not just selfishness or insensitivity. But that doesn't mean that you *have* to smile and bear it, maybe you minimise contact with this friend for a while until you've had more time to deal with your loss (and she gets over the initial pg excitement). You need to look after yourself now, don't feel guilty for taking some time out from this friend if it is emotionally demanding for you to deal with ATM.

hope this helps

[Justin&Beckfirstbub]

Hey Pippa,

I am so sorry for you. My heart breaks when I even begin to imagine what you are going through. Are you close enough to your friend to talk to her about how you are feeling? Maybe you could tell her that you are very happy for her and wish her all the best but at the moment you are feeling really sad and it hurts you when she talks about her baby as your loss is really painful and you just need some time? (not that I think time heals everything but you know what I mean) If she is a good friend she would totally understand and probably feel a bit bad for being incensitive to your feelings. I really hope it doesn't wreck your friendship.
Take care.

Beck

[pippa]

Thanks Sam,

Thats what I think I will do. I was just talking to another Collegue, who had an ectopic and a M/C last year, and she had the same thing happen with a good friend of hers.

I guess maybe your right, maybe my friend doesn't know what to say so having some "apart" time maybe the answer. Hopefully she won't ask to many questions as to why I am avoiding her. I don't want to hurt her feelings like she has mine.

Hopefully I will get pregnant again soon so I will be happy again and be able to share my pregnancy with her and not be angry with her.

Cheers PIppa

[pippa]

Hi Bec, we are good friends and I do tell her that I am still hurting, and like today when I told her I had a bad night last night and had a big cry and she either doesn't hear what I say or chooses to ignore it and talk about herself. Maybe Sam was right maybe she doesn't know what to say?? Or maybe she is just so wrapped up in her own little world and doesn't relly see whats going on every where else.

I think I may just try to distance myself from her until I start feeling abit better myself.

How are you feeling anyway??

Pippa

[Nan]

Hi Pippa.
I'm really sorry about your miscarriage. From what you say, it sounds as if your friend doesn't know what to say. It does seem as though she is shifting the focus to herself, but probably because she doesn't know where else to shift it. Even though it is insensitive, it sounds as though she doesn't mean to be. It must be a very difficult situation for you. I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom, but I do understand.
Love,
Nan. xx

[Justin&Beckfirstbub]

Hey Pippa,

Only you know what is best for you mate.....if staying away for a while will make you feel better then I think you should do it. I am sure she will understand.
I am ok (thanks for asking) just really, really nervous as it is still early days. I really hope that you fall preganant soon Pippa. I am sending you all my bestest thoughts (is bestest a word?) If I could I would give you abig fat hug and just be there for you......if you need to chat just email me back.

Beck

[Chickadee]

Pippa,
I couldn't even look at a preg woman after I miscarried, even worse the second time. Being around a preg friend would have sent me into tears and no way could I have stood to listen to her boundless happiness. It does get easier with time.

I think you're right to take a break from your friend. But telling her why might be better than just trying to avoid her and her not knowing why or thinking you're mad. You could just explain that you're really happy for her but that being around her is upsetting to you right now, and that in a few weeks or months when you've had a chance to grieve you'll be ready to share her joy better. I'm sure she'll understand.

Good luck, and in conceiving again.
Martha

[noniandlilysmum]

I too have never miscarried, however your hurting quite a bit I imagine, and to have another friend talk about her pregnancy can bring alot of mixed emotions... Your friend probably doesn't know what to say, and may not even realise how insensitive she is being as she is probably talking about herself to take the focus off the pain you are feeling??? I had a friend who miscarried at 13 weeks and I was 11 weeks, and I had found out through others that she had miscarried, It was her first baby and she just didn't want to talk to anyone, and nobody tried to make her... I haven't talked to her since she was pregnant and that was 4 months ago... Only time and perhaps another pregnancy could help you to move on... I am sad for your loss and there are no words that I or anyone else can say to take your pain and grief away. I hope you will get pregnant real soon, And share in the same joy as your friend... :)

[RuthK]

I have not had a miscarriage but I was recently in the same position as your friend.


A few months ago a good friend of mine had a horrible car accident and lost her baby at 26 weeks. The same day as the accident by a weird quirk of fate I conceived the baby we had been trying for. She knew we had been trying and asked me a few weeks later if I'd gotten pregnant. I decided to be honest with her and said that yes I was. She was thrilled for me, despite her own sad situation. She asked how I was and I told her all about the nausea and tiredness but it must have been too much as she gently told me that perhaps hearing about my symptoms was a bit too much for her right now. I did feel uncomfortable, but moreso that I'd upset her than anything else. So I held back talking much about my pregnancy, only volunteering information when she asked for it. But I was very grateful she had pointed it out to me rather than gone all cold on me.

Be open and honest with your friend. She obviously is thrilled to be pregnant and although I'm sure she's sad for your miscarriage, like most pregnant women she is very caught up in her overwhelming early pregnancy symptoms and can think and talk of little else. Tell her that you're just a little sensitive right now and it might take a little time for you to heal. But don't shut out her pregnancy completely. Initiate gentle conversations about it and perhaps share with her how you're feeling. This is a time you should be there for each other, not pushing each other away.

Best of luck for you, it will happen.

[Jamily]

Hi Pippa

I had a similar situation to RuthK. Back in Feb when I was 5 months pregnant I found out that my best friend had a molar pregnancy - thankfully she was only a month or two along so they caught it early, but saying that she is still receiving chemo for it now.

I found it so hard to talk to her over those few weeks - I felt devastated/sick to the gut for her and desperately awkward about the fact that I was still pregnant and things were going fine. In the end I decided to talk to her about how I was feeling - not so much for me, but to give her the opportunity to tell me if she needed a break from our friendship and/or set the boundaries of what she wanted or didn't want to hear.

Long story short we are just as close as ever. I don't talk about my pregnancy as much but I don't feel the need to avoid it if I have something important to say about it - I guess I just don't babble on about the irrelevant details which I would have done before. In turn, she is honest with me about her anger at her situation (she will be unable to try again for a baby for a year after her hcg has returned to zero - she has another course of chemo to go which will be her third attempt at this). Things haven't been easy - I am sure there are days when my friend has resented me totally and she admitted she had wished bad things for me and other pregnant ladies - not in a sinister way, but just so that she didn't feel so alone. She also said some awful things how nothing was certain even during the later stages of pregnancy - perhaps I am being oversensitive, but at the time they did sound like little digs. It was pretty hard to hear but at the same time I am glad that she could be honest. She wasn't being evil, she was just trying to vent.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck but do try talking to your friend as honeslty as you can. I am sure she will be so grateful for the opportunity to clear the awkwardness of the situation and if she isn't then perhaps your friendship is not what you had thought. Then you can make a decision about what to do - by avoiding her or freezing her out without talking first you will just upset yourself which defs won't help. I know you must be so angry at her and just the situation in general.

I hope I haven't babbled on too much - I just thought that hearing my experience might help you make a decision about what to do.

Once again good luck and keep concentrating on YOU.

[pippa]

Thanks Guys,

all your responses have been great. I have had a good chat to my boyfriend about it as he knows my friend really well to, I know I am probably a bit more sensitive at the moment about things and agree that I need some space. I don't know honestly if talking this girl will be the right thing to do. I have been telling her over the last two weeks about my good days and my bad days as I did yesterday and I really feel like she doesn't listen. It goes in one ear and out the other.

Anyway I will see how it goes over the next few weeks, I have a few other friends that are pregnant even my younger sister is pregnant but they just don't seem to be as bad as this girl. Well hopefully it will sort itself out, I may even get pregnant soon myself and that feeling may go away.

Wish me luck, take care talk to you all soon.

[mel1973]

Hi Pippa, I have had two miscarriages and they are very hard thing to get over. You get alot of u can always have another one. Oh it's natures way of saying something is wrong ect. For someone on the outside it is very hard to understand what u are feeling and with her being preg she is prob very scared of the thing happening to her every pregnancy is scary at some level u do need to deal with your pain which can take some time but i can say that one day u will feel much better about things just hard to see now. I think u need to have a talk to your friend and let her know how u are feeling running away is not going to fix your issue with her but if that doesn't work then maybe u should give yourself some distance from your friend. I'm pregnant now with twins and i am scared of miscarriage as i have had some spotting but not sure if this helps but i have 5 beautiful children now i hope time heals you take care Mel

[mumof2girls]

I think you should have a discussion with her and tell her exactly how you feel, tell her you are happy about her pregnancy but you are to sensitive to hear all the details about it now, if she is a good friend then she will abide by your wishes if not then maybe you need to distance yourself from her. At least this way you have given her the choice.

Right now I think you need to concentrate on yourself and how you are feeling, I have never had a miscarriage but know people who have but that is different so I'm probably not much help to you.

Kay

[Mischief]

Hey Pippa,

How are you feeling today?

You need to have time to heal, and I agree with whateveryone has said about your friend proably doesnt know what to say.

Be honest with her so she doesnt get hurt about you avoiding her.

Tell her that you love her and you are excited for her, but at the moment you need some space because everytime you see her, or hear her talk about her pregnancy it reminds you of what you have lost.

A good friend will try to understand that for you!

XXOO
Good luck sweetie, i hope things pick up soon!

Kat

[cath]

Hi Pippa,
I know how hard it is when you have miscarried and then you are surrounded by other pregnant people and their happiness - you just want to cry your eyes out. Your friend doesn't sound at all empathetic ( at least some people try but I honestly think the only people who really understood what I was going through after my miscarriage were my friends who had been through it as well). Do you have any close friends who have had a miscarriage? I found that they were the best people to call when I had a bad day because I felt like they really understood and didn't just say that's no good and then change the topic.

You have to look after yourself first so if being around or talking to this friend is hard definitely avoid it. There is plenty of time in the future to nurture this friendship -now is not the time to use your energy on it. Best of luck and look after yourself.

Cath

[cobber]

Pippa
I have no idea why people are so insensative, probably because they need to be placed in the position themselves before they can have true empathy. I had a miscarriage and a d&c as well. It was very hard for my husband and I and was something I only told to my parents and very close friends. We eventually viewed it as natures way and maybe the baby wasn't going to be healthy anyway. You need to suggest to your friend that you are very happy for her, yet your circumstances suggest that you are not ready to hear about all the details of HER pregnancy. She should respect this if she is a true friend. YOu're still coming to terms with the m/c and need time to heal first. You will get pregnant and have a healthy baby in time. It was neally 2 years of trying for us before i became pregnant again. I am now 35 weeks and am positive that i will deliver a healthy baby.
Jen