I am so angry right now!

[Ange&Seth]

K so here I am tonight, sitting down trying to work out what we can do to better our situation financially. We've just bought a house and have a fair size personal debt as well as the mortgage. What we have done since we've moved in are just little things to increase the value of the house as the plan is to get it re-evaluated in June and refinance to incorporate as much of our personal debt in with the mortgage. DF has been saying that he wants to spend his tax cheque this year putting in a decent size shed to help increase the property of the house. Just now, when I told him I'd worked out a way for us to easily stay afloat, he said he's not going to spend the cheque on the shed anymore but going to use it to put his motorbike on the road instead!! This bike has been with us for 4.5 years and never been registered because there's so much DF 'wants to do to it first' and now he wants to fix it up properly and register it which will then add ANOTHER expense!!

I tried to calmly explain that it might be better for us as a family, if that money was used to try and put us in front a little bit rather than further behind with our finances and all I got was this pugnacious bloody stare that told me 'I'm going to do what the f*** I like'.

What do I do? I can't tell him he's selfish because he's the one working all day every day and he 'needs a beer after work' so he buys a slab on pay day. But he can't go without one or two weeks and put that money towards the bills for the utilities they were about to disconnect the other week!!! I just don't know what to do. I've drawn up so many budgets I can't even count how many, and all he does is nod and say 'yeah' and then does whatever he wants with the money. We set up a joint account before bub was born so that his pay would go straight in there and I would take care of the bills etc but that still hasn't happened. If that had happened, we wouldn't be in this mess right now. I tell myself not to think about it, but truth told, most of our 'personal debt' is actually his from numerous credit cards and stupid s*** he spends his money on.

why can't he see the bigger picture? I'm really scared that I'm gonna get up one day and have no phone and no power. My mobile's already been barred from outgoing calls coz we haven't paid the bill in the last 3 months!! But his mobile bills always paid because 'he needs his for work' and I reckon I'm about to default on my personal loan because he can't afford to give me any money to pay off it!!! it's like it's all still your money my money but in this case I have no money so it's all his.

I'm at my wits end. I just don't know what the hell to do next. I've tried talking to him calmly but it just ends up with him getting ****ty and the subject gets dropped.

Any ideas ladies would be greatly appreciated. I'm already looking for work to try and fix the problem myself................

[Mamaduke]

I really believe that like any business partnership, the financial side of a marriage has to be managed by the partner with the most common sense towards money.
In our marriage, that is not me! I'm better than I used to be but I can see that if I was in control we would be behind on everything, owe lots and own nothing.
DH pays the bills, knows when private health, car insurance, house/contents insurance etc will be coming out of our accounts etc etc.
Before I met DH I was constantly behind in bills, car repayments and had absolutely no savings...other than "mum & dad...help!"
Now I go to bed at night knowing that the bills are paid before they're due and we're up to date with everything and there's money in the bank.
By allowing DH to take the reins of the finances, it enables us to have the things that we need and want (such as holidays to Queensland with the boys) but not ever falling behind on bills etc.
Like almost everyone, we have a hefty mortgage, but we always pay more (even if it's just a little) and pay every week...this cuts years off the mortgage.
I really think that for the sake of your family you need to take control of the finances and allocate an allowance to your DH which is fair, remembering that he's virtually been able to spend what he's wanted when he's wanted up until now, so you might have to allow a little more until he gets used to the idea of having an allowance.
When we got our first mortgage and had our first child I was sat down by DH and told that I needed to 'grow up' and realise that I can't have everything I want when I want it, and that the most important thing (financially speaking) is a home, heating, power, food...and that I have to get my priorities straight.
I suggest a little chat along those lines could be well overdue.
Most of my friends have marriages like this...where one has no idea and the other takes control & hands out the allowances!
You can't let it go on like this...promote yourself to CEO of your company today!

[V8]

What a pickle it is to be in and i'm sure many have been there. Your DH needs to seriously work out his priorities and if you can try and cut down on things that aren't so necessary, like if your mobile doesn't need to be on a plan go to pre-paid or something. Buy things in bulk, turn off all lights etc when not in that room, pay a set amount each week towards your utilities so at the 3month bill period you don't have a huge amount to pay. Really talk to him about getting your joint bank account in order, you work out how much your bills are per pay period (fortnight etc) and get him to transfer a set amount you have agreed on so that things are paid. Then if he wants to spend whats left on his crapola, that's fine, aslong as the necessities are taken care of. :) I hope you work it out men are sometimes so useless with money, but they're like, i earn it i can spend it! Grrrr!

[rynosmum]

My DH was always the big spender in our family. Simple solution - put him in charge of finances !

I put all of the bills on his desk and HE had to learn how to budget and pay for everything. Sure we got a few overdue notices and disconnection notices at first, and I drove my car for a month with no insurance as he had lost the bill....

but within a few months, he has it all worked out in a great system. All I have to do is file the paperwork !

Bingo !:D

[Ange&Seth]

Thanks guys, I've just been sitting here and really thinking about it and I've decided it's worth fighting over. I've just sat back and kept the peace for too long now i think.

Thanks for your support, I think that's what I needed to help me resolve to confront him about it. I'm going to suggest first then demand. I know there'll be an argument over it but I hope it's not so bad that you guys have to listen to me rant and rave about it on here again :D

Wish me luck, I'm aiming to do it tomorrow when he gets home from work :fingerscrossed:

[shed]

good luck with whatever happens. It really shows me that I am doing the right thing in trying to pin down "what is happening with the money" when I finish work in June.

We still havent sorted out the finer details but I really need to get on to this. My DP is the one who is good with money, if it was up to me we'd have nothing. I came into the relationship with nothing and I still have nothing!! We earn the same amount but you wouldn't know it from what each of us have to show for it.

The weirdest thing I have found so far is that when we have told people we are having a baby some of the them have said "are you going to buy a house now?" or "you should buy a house now".

People are so strange!! Why on earth would we get ourselves into a humungous amount of debt at the exact same time we are going from two wages to one?

That doesn't even make sense!!

Keep us posted on what happens because I need some guidelines to follow in regard to who gets what from the wage.

[Mamaduke]

I came into the relationship with nothing and I still have nothing!!
This reminds me of one of my friends...
when they first got engaged her DH showed her that he had savings to put towards the deposit for a house, as well as owning his own car and savings put away for a rainy day.
He asked my friend what she had in the form of savings...she replied "nothing!".
They both worked in the same job but my friend had been in the job longer than her DH. He asked what she'd been doing with her money all this time...
"Well I look good!" she replied!!!:laughing:

[Veritas]

Thankfully, in some regards, I don't have a partner to worry about....

I am pretty organised with my finances, though if I didn't force myself to be that way, I would definitely spend more than I should....

I find my most successful method has been to have a few bank accounts...

I get my pay put in to one each fortnight, then there is a bill account, which all the bill money for the fortnight, and a budgeted amount for monthly bills goes into... this ensures I don't spend my car loan payment... lol... I make sure I pay all the bills due that fortnight on pay day so I have no excuse....

I also having a savings account... into this goes a predetermined amount I would like to save along with a set amount to go towards car rego, insurance, etc. This one might change from pay to pay, depending on what I have on socially that fortnight, or anything I need....

I try to set myself a set amount that I have to myself each fortnight and withdraw this along with a set amount of petrol money... I usually leave a little in my everyday account as just in case, and try to save the rest....

The only account that is linked to a card is the everyday account, so I can't easily draw on bill money or savings.... its working so far!

[MonkeyMum05]

I just read the first post if this thread... (didn't get to read all the ohters!)... but just had to say...

If you are at home looking after bubs, then you are working all day too!
In my opinion the money he earns is just as much yours as his... you are working too, but are unpaid...! It's not possible for you to go and work for pay AND look after your bub!;)