I've had enough and I'm leaving... [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

MilkOnTap

06-05-2008, 12:23

I hate living like this. Its not fair on me or Jedd... or PS. I dont want to be here anymore.

I've just called DFA, then NWCC who put me through to DCO and am waiting for them to call me back. I dont want to stay in Sydney just waiting for hubby to come home. I'm sick of waiting to be a wife. I hate him for being away and I hate being left behind. I hate this life. I didn't sign up for this **** and I wont put up with it anymore. If I have to walk out then thats what I'll do.

Does anyone have any helpful suggestions on assistance that I'm entitled to in order to leave. Thanks in advance.

jaydensmum

06-05-2008, 12:27

Hi hun! Im sorry i cant offer any advice, but i just wanted to say that im sorry that this is happening to you.:hugs: Im always here for you if you want to chat. :hugs:

KapowSchazam

06-05-2008, 12:31

Aww I understand how you're feeling. I haven't been in your situation with a DH in the armed forces, but I know what it feels like to be the last priority. :hugs:

06-05-2008, 12:31

First of all babe, are you sure this is what you want to do???

You really need to think about it all. I can understand being a military wife does suck at times.

I ended up leaving DH (DF at the time and no kids), i left Sydney came back to live with my folks. DHA paid for all my removals, gave me money for petrol and accomodation to where i was moving back to. I just wrote a letter to DHA stating dissolution of marriage, and DH had to sign something and we seperated.

I don't know if i'd recommend it though, i regret doing it back then, when i look back my health wasn't well, DF wasn't exactly very supportive, plus i was working in the city and also a full time uni student, and being away from my family was taking its toll. Maybe you just need a time out, maybe you can get temporary 'married seperated' so they can put you in a house in QLD closer to family, i think with having kids it makes things a bit easier to claim married seperated.

How does your DH feel, does he know how much you are struggling with him being away, do you not have enough support down there??

I really don't want you to do something you will regret.

Sending many many many :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Jinglebells

06-05-2008, 12:34

awww chick :hugs::hugs:

sorry to hear your feeling this way, i'm one of thoes nutters that actually enjoy the military life, so I don't really have any suggestions for you

but I just wanted to send ya some :hugs:

MilkOnTap

06-05-2008, 12:56

Jinglebells

06-05-2008, 12:58

aww chick

maybe you just need a break away, can you go visit your friends or family for a while?

MilkOnTap

06-05-2008, 13:02

aww chick

maybe you just need a break away, can you go visit your friends or family for a while?

I really want to but cant really... Jedd has his swimming lessons on Mondays (already paid for) and I have appts with my mw coming up.

Oh - and the $ factor doesn't help either...

06-05-2008, 13:05

Thanks ladies. I'm just so damn emotional and hormonal right now and hubby has made some stupid stupid STUPID decisions the past few weeks while away. I just want him to realise what he has got and appreciate us a bit. I want someone to think of me. Hell - I want him to deliver me a bunch of flowers.

Stuff it. I'm going to order them myself!

I remember feeling like that too hun all too well. :( Not a nice place to be. You are important and you need to take care of yourself, this too shall pass.... :hugs:

Kachow

06-05-2008, 13:09

Ali..... look at meeeeeeeee look at meeeeeee.

I have one word to say to you Ali....... Relax and breathe !

I know it was be a pain in the ar$e how you are living atm, but you really need to relax, step back and think about it before you leap.

Chuck as many hissy fits as you like but think of the long term.

( hope my Kath impersonation but a :) on ya face)

jaydensmum

06-05-2008, 13:14

Oh hun, im so sorry you feel this way!!:hugs::hugs: I can relate to you in some ways. :yes: We are all here for you hun! :hugs:I wish there was something i could do to help you.

Pixie

06-05-2008, 14:41

I am sorry you feel this way Ally, but you knew DH was part of this when you got married. I remember catching up with you a couple of times when he was away, when I was in Sydney, you felt the same as you do now, or you at least expressed that was how you were feeling.

I am sure it's hard with him being away and having a LO and pregnancy. But instead of looking at it the negative way look at things more positively. He's working dam had for you guys. He may of made some bad calls I don't know but he's doing what he has to do, he did sign up for this so he has to do it.

I think perhaps you need to get some physical support or find some kind of playgroup to occupy some of your spare time.

I have no idea who the people you rang are lol but maybe one of them can help find you some support networks?

KJEmum

06-05-2008, 14:41

tootiredtosleep

06-05-2008, 15:23

Buy yourself some flowers (and choccies) for sure.. and let it all out! It's no good keeping it all bottled up inside. Someone else mentioned writing a journal/letter to DH every day, so he can read it when he gets home. Print out this thread and save it!

I probably wouldn't do anything without speaking face to face with DH first, to give him a chance to respond.. but maybe you do need to consider married/seperated for awhile. Not because you don't want to be with him, but for more support now and when next bub comes along. It's not the ideal situation, but it sounds like something is going to give if things don't change.

Just because you married a defence guy doesn't give you infinite powers in predicting your future feelings and emotions... so you knew 5 (?) years ago he would be away, but knowing that and living it now are 2 totally different things.. it's not wrong to change your mind or living arrangements.

I hope things get a little better and THANKYOU to you and Jedd and Pumpkin Seed for sharing your man/Dad with the country... we appreciate it!

earthfairy

06-05-2008, 15:38

Hi Hun:hugs:

I am sorry that you are feeling like this.

I woulnt do anything too drastic though, you are pregnant & we all kknow how pregnancy hormones can make us a bit crazy!
I think you may need to just step back & look at things a bit more clearly before doing this.

I know how you feel hun, i often feel like this when DH is away - and yes, even when he does stoopid things when he is away. But i love him, and unless he beats me, or cheats on me - nothing is too hard.

You marry for better or for worse dont you?:)

We had friends who went through the same thing. She decided when he was at sea that she couldnt handle it. Rang him at sea, told him she was leaving with the baby. She did. And he was on the niext plane home to try & save his marriage. She didnt care. She still left.
I dont think its fair that she did this to him while he is away working doing what he has to & she didnt even give him a chance to fix the problem.
None the less, 12 months later she has 2 kids & is on her own & regrets acting so hastily. He has since moved on with a lovely girl & left the navy.

I guess what im trying to say is talk to your DH, tell him how you feel.

Give him a CHANCE to change things & make things better - dont just leave.

He deserves a chance to change this for you.
Its not real fair on him otherwise.

Think of your children hun. Put their needs first & think about how much harder it will be being a Full Time Single Mum.
Im not trying to be nasty but he hasnt really done anything wrong but go & do his job. If you really hate it that much & he loves you & cherishes your marriage he will change things.

But he deserves the chance to do so.
I hope i havent spoken out of line, just trying to help....:)

BIG HUGE MASSIVE HUGS HUN:hugs:

the_queen

06-05-2008, 15:41

:hugs: <--- 10 million of them, from me to you Ally. I wish we lived in the same city so we could book a wet-nurse babysitter and go out on the town together :p

Wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. Chat to you soon mate :hugs:

MilkOnTap

06-05-2008, 15:56

Just because you married a defence guy doesn't give you infinite powers in predicting your future feelings and emotions... so you knew 5 (?) years ago he would be away, but knowing that and living it now are 2 totally different things.. it's not wrong to change your mind or living arrangements.

Thank you TTTS... You said it much better than I ever could...

Give him a CHANCE to change things & make things better - dont just leave.

He deserves a chance to change this for you.
Its not real fair on him otherwise.

Think of your children hun. Put their needs first & think about how much harder it will be being a Full Time Single Mum.
Im not trying to be nasty but he hasnt really done anything wrong but go & do his job. If you really hate it that much & he loves you & cherishes your marriage he will change things.

But he deserves the chance to do so.
I hope i havent spoken out of line, just trying to help....:)

BIG HUGE MASSIVE HUGS HUN:hugs:

Your right. His ships itinerary isn't his fault. It's not something he ever asked for either. *sigh*

DCO called me back with basically nothing but a pat on the back. Which I guess thats all I was expecting but wow - wouldn't it be nice if they could surprise you every now and again and say "hey, lets get you and hubby reunited for a few days while he's in port somewhere... how about Vanuatu? We'll sort out your flights, accommodation, transfers..." *SNAP - WAKE UP - am definitely dreaming...

Hubby is getting emails left right and centre from people wanting his spot on the ship. The ship has the 7 month world tour next year, so of course everyone wants to be on it! He's thankfully getting off before that happens (in Nov) and you know how fast word-of-mouth is in the navy... Everyone has heard about his spot becoming available so he really does have his pick of where he wants to shift to.

I wish he could swap now though, instead of waiting til November. But in Nov his 3yrs sea-time will be up and it makes more sense to get off then. 3yrs at sea - my god... no wonder I just want him home. Maybe we could find out which ship is in refit in Sydney and he could swap with whoever's on that... Oh wouldn't it be nice! :babydust2:

earthfairy

06-05-2008, 16:14

im sooooo happy that you are sounding better!

I think i know what ship your DH is on - a friend of ours here from Perth has just been posted to Sydney has joined that ship, he mentioned the trip you spoke of.

Hey, his sea time is up - i reckon you'll probably find when he gets home he'll probably want to come ashore anyway!
When he gets home i think the 2 of you should go for a massage together or a picnic & have a good D&M about your future & where it is headed....

I stopped telling my DH how much i hated the navy & to my surprise last month he came to me & said "i think its time to get out - 18 months more & im out!" YAY!
Hes done 12 years at the mo.

I am so happy that you are feeling better - honestly, going & treating myself makes me feel better when my DH is away - go buy yourself a new out fit or perfume or get those flowers you spoke of...:flowerz:

If you ever want to chat im here k?

MWAH:hugs::kiss:

Beany

06-05-2008, 16:21

:hugs:

Whenever you want a chat, a shoulder, a cuppa and/or some cake, let me know :)

mummyof5

06-05-2008, 16:39

Hey Ally, Melbourne goes into refit for 6 months after they get back in mid December. Would that work for you?
Hope things are looking a little brighter for you now...god it sucks being the one left at home, doesn't it?

Bewitched

06-05-2008, 16:47

:flowerz::flowerz::flowerz::hugs::hugs::hugs: (sorry, there was no chocolate icon or otherwise i'd have sent you that one too! lol). I can't even imagine how hard it must be to live like this so i am not even going to pretend i understand, i know i couldn't do it - i need my husband with me as often as possible. I take my hat off to you hun, take care xxx

samsgirls

06-05-2008, 17:36

hmmmz this not be good. Wouldn't being a REAL single mum be harder than having to be a part time single mum ?

I'm one of these ppl who would be up **** creek if I didn't have DH to support me and the kids. I don't have a job or finances. Yes I'd be able to stay with my inlaws but still would have to fend for myself in time.

From what I know you'd have so many weeks to vacate the DHA home (if it's DHA). Sometimes ADF don't treat spouse too well. Not sure about entitlements.

Explore your options and even get counselling, don't chuck it in yet. You want your man home I know but it'll be much harder without a man at all don't you think ?

Go see the chaplain even !!! they usually have a good reputation for listening and helping out.
I only know from what I've heard from friends and read elsewhere and for the sake of your children and their dependance on you, I'd think long and hard about the situation you will be in if you do leave your DH.

It's a struggle with pregnancy and a little one ... and no support but if you could still support your DH and maybe live where your support network is .. would that help ? That's what DFA are pushing for .. to have a '3rd option' available but it'll be some time coming I think.

:iagree: We all go thru rough patches, when our DH's go away. Perhaps u could go and see a social worker thru DCO. I have, and it did me the world of good. Sometimes it is good just to vent to someone, that is why DCO are there. I have been in your situation before. I was pg with DD2 when my DH was overseas and I hated it. But there was nothing dire about my situation, I was just hormonal, and it sounds like u just need some support. I really suggest going and seeing someone. You are not weak, if u need to seek help every now and then. But the worst thing u can do is make a rash decision and regret it later.:hugs:

Shanaynay

06-05-2008, 17:41

Hi MOT,

I understand to some degree how you feel as I've been in a defence family my whole life...

Can you live like this for the next 20+ years?

Some people cope being defence partners, some don't. It's tough for those who CAN cope, so if you're the other.... well, it's not a way to live your life :no:

Have you told him how you feel? If you are serious about leaving then perhaps he needs to consider leaving defence and getting a different job.

I don't envy you at all and even though you knew what the circumstances would be before you married him, it's kinda hard to imagine how it will effect you later on down the track, and kids complicates it too.

:hugs:

Nickschick

06-05-2008, 18:42

oh boy i totaly understand where you are coming from..
it is such a hard life hun..

can u get hubby home??

MilkOnTap

06-05-2008, 20:11

:hugs:

Whenever you want a chat, a shoulder, a cuppa and/or some cake, let me know :)

Cheers Beanz... Maybe next week sometime??

oh boy i totaly understand where you are coming from..
it is such a hard life hun..

can u get hubby home??

Mmmm - will try... He will have completed his 3yrs sea time in Nov - so to get him off the ship before then LOGICALLY doesn't make sense... But dang - I dont have to be logical when I'm pg - do I??? :goodvibes:

draught

06-05-2008, 20:44

Ally - you do have to be a little logical, pregnant or not. If you look back over your posts from your last pregnancy this one has a familiar ring. Lets face it - being pregnant can be hard. Being pregnant on your own is harder, and being pregnant with a small child to look after is really hard. So my advice is to not make hasty decisions. Don't try to force a situation to get him home for a few days - just do your best to wait it out for the long term good - because once you reach November then this will all be worth it as he gets to stay home for a good long haul. Jumping up and down and stamping your feet might feel good for a few minutes but won't solve the problems long term.

Get busy, get out of the house, and build a life that keeps you and Jedd happy and occupied while he is away. (I have spent a large part of the last five years as the wife of an absent husband so have been there, done that. )

ConcernedParent

06-05-2008, 22:42

Hi Ally,

I have soo been where you are now. And I destinctly remember it was when I was a SAHM - 5mo pregnant with a barely 12mo old, (they were very close together).

I did the same thing, "I have had enough and I'm leaving. Don't try to change my mind, just let me go". My DH did everything he could to convince me to change my mind, but that was it - I'd had enough and I was out of there!

DH suggested we go MS, (married separated), and said he would bring home the paperwork to get me sent back home. He brought it home that night and I slowly watched his heart break as he completed the it, his bottom lip quivering as he did so. But... I was so desperate to leave that my heart had hardened too much to see his pain. With the paperwork complete I went to bed satisfied that I finally had an "out".

The next day, he "forgot" to take the paperwork with him. I was fine with this as it was "ready to go". By the time he came home that night I had started to feel better. Another day passed and I felt better again because my "out" was "ready to go".

Not long after that he came home with a posting order - to the one place I said I would never go. He was really sad to tell me and I remember him saying, "I know you're gonna leave me now for sure". Funnily enough, I took a deep breath and said, "any place but here.... because I don't believe there could be any place worse".

Anyway, that paperwork never got put in and our next posting was fantastic - way better than I ever thought. We finally had time to take time out together. We got some marriage counselling to work through the debris of the last posting, (I was almost a train wreck), and are still together today. Happy.

I think back now to that time and can't believe I ever thought of leaving him. Not just me, but taking the kids. Truth is, in the end, I couldn't leave, I really wanted to and I remember having some screaming fights about how I would be able to leave and take him too. I felt totally trapped!

I discovered I'm not here for the money or the adventure or anything like that, I am here for him. Because he is THE ONE- the love of my life. I decided in all that rage that I was gonna fight for him. The "job", (because it's just a bloody job), will never win, they will never get him, they will never use him up and spit him out, they will never beat me. I decided that about 5 years ago and I'm still standing!!

What happens next for you is up to you. You need to decide where to go from here, be it a milllion miles away or one day at a time. Whichever way you decide will be hard, be it with or without him, so think long and hard and scream and yell all you want, but make sure you make the best decision for you and yours. Because in the long run, that's the only thing that counts.

MilkOnTap

06-05-2008, 23:01

CP. Your post has me in tears... thank you for sharing your story. I feel like that is exactly where I am now :(

I love him so much and I know that I'm a stupid overdramatic overhormonal over emotional mess right now and keep on making irrational comments and statements that are dumb dumb dumb.

I'm understanding and relating to your 'out' though. I called DCO today and they couldn't even tell me what my options might be/could be/would be if we ever were to make that drastic decision to separate. Feeling trapped and controlled like a string puppet is not a nice feeling.

I do know deep down that I could never leave him. I never would - I love him too much. But there is always that thought making me wonder how much I can actually handle. I'm only 11 weeks pregnant and have another 17 weeks til he is home. I *know* that I'm a mess through pregnancy (heck read half the posts above this one!) but I just dont know how I am going to get through it.

Have tried the local playgroup and they are all so obsessed with rank its not funny. My mothers group are all at least 10yrs older than me, which though it shouldn't make a difference, it does. My neighbours are lovely; but they work full time or have large families, so I feel like I would be a burden to them by asking for help. Jedd's daycare has just fallen through, and after doing some ringing round today I have found no other options for him. My Mum just moved up to QLD and is staying with friends til she gets her own place. She's in no rush though - but it means that I cant even visit her cause there is no where to stay. She is also working full time so cant come down here (though is planning a weekend trip in July).

I guess I feel like I've exhausted all my options for help. It probably sounds like I'm being really pessimistic and possibly I am; but I just dont know where else to turn right now.

Lastcenturymum

06-05-2008, 23:04

Oh concernedparent, that made me cry! What a wonderful wise man you have. What strong character you both have too. So encouraging to read and I'm sure many others will be encouraged too. Even with a hubby around there are times we all get 'so over it' and can't see a way out.

thank you for sharing and I hope OP is encouraged by it (and a cuppa with Beany!)

samsgirls

06-05-2008, 23:20

:hugs:All we are trying to say MOT, is that it may be so hard right now, but in a few months tim, when your DH is home, all of this will be a distant memory. It is hard being stuck at home, with no family near by to support you. Currently I am on anti depressents and see a pschycologist to help me get through my own issues, and to teach me coping mechanisms, so that when my DH goes away next time i wont get upset before he leaves. I have been a Defence spouse for 8 years, and it still has its sh$t moments, for sure. We've done marriage councilling, and like CP mentioned, we even had paperwork for married seperated with dependants, DH's CO had pre approved it, but i decided not to go thru with it because it would have devestated DH. I love him too much to take his kids away. Pregnancy can be a b$tch, especially in this lifestyle. This life isn't easy and you have done so well, so far. :hugs:

ConcernedParent

06-05-2008, 23:22

Call VVCS - Australian Veterans Counselling Service, (formerley Vietnam Veterans Counselling Service) - they have a lot of programs you can get into. We did their lifestyle program and I did their womens program, (linking Defence women together) and he did their anger management program. They completely understand and are wonderful dedicated people who are there to help. Oh... they offer counselling if you need something a little one on one or just a coffee and a chat.

We went to Relationships Australia for our marriage counselling. We had to pay but it was money well spend.

DH often tells me he recommends VVCS and Marriage Counselling to all who are having troubles balancing work and family. They are quite surprised when they discover we have had to have it. He just says, every marriage needs a tune up every now and again.

Please, please continue to work your way through this. Your life changes as you progress through life's stages. Things will get better.

Our youngest started school this year, we have a really strong marriage, are into our kids, into each other and can't believe we have pulled through - it really is worth it.

You can get through this.

MilkOnTap

06-05-2008, 23:29

Thanks CP - you have helped me tremendously!

I will call AVCS tomorrow morning when Jedd goes down for his nap. NWCC recommended that i call them (since hubby is technically a veteran) but I felt odd making that phone call.

Thank you so much again CP... I feel like someone actually does understand my personal situation. Its so good to hear that you made it through to the other end, stronger and wiser for it :yes:

Thank you.

ConcernedParent

06-05-2008, 23:42

You've made me feel very :goodvibes:

Regarding VVCS, you may not be able to get someone to talk with you right away and might have to make an appt. However there is the 24 hour number which you can call right now if you needed to.

I had to call it once, (it's another long story), and they were really awesome. The person who takes your call is a registered psychologist especially trained to help military families. You can ring at any time. I think I called 10pm.

If you can't get in right away, do not hesitate to call that number. That is what they are there for. To help. To help us!

The number is: 1800 011 046

MumsieMel

07-05-2008, 09:00

oh Ally, im so sorry :(

Hope you work things out, one way or another :hugs:

Amira

07-05-2008, 09:55

Many :hugs::hugs:

Hope you are feeling a little better today and i agree with CP to call that number. Try not to be discouraged when you call these places if you do happen to get someone less then helpful. Remember their name and call back in 30mins or so and hope to get someone nicer...its how i deal with Telstra :laughing:

CP sharing your story im sure has helped and many :hugs::thumbsup: for you sharing such a personal story so you can help another person.

3princes

08-05-2008, 23:09

MOT - we've all been there... its not easy. Dealing with a lil one and pregnancy on your own must be soo hard.:hugs:

We went "married with dependents (unaccompanied)" for 8 months last year because i didn't want to go back to the old posting, i loved my job, where we lived, my friends and the lifestyle. Money wise it was very hard, running 2 households and I'm sure DH thought he was single.... while i worked and held the family together... but it was very lonely as DH was emotionally there for me and the temptation to look elsewhere for that was strong. I followed him eventually in the knowledge i would be unhappy and i kinda am but its not as bad as i thought cause i have DH with me again now. I still hate the Navy and the hold it has over my DH and i hate being treated as a 2nd class citizen by DHA, defence health etc but i know it won't be forever.

CP - its great to hear you got thru it and are stronger than ever!