Unwanted/unplanned pregnancy

[MoralDilemma]

As my nic states, I'm in a bit of a moral dilemma and would like some input from others. I realise that there are many women out there who would do anything to be pregnant and I don't want this to be a thread where I am put down for feeling like I do. Even I am shocked at the way I feel.

First a bit of background - I am a middle child who overheard her mother at age 12 say that if I was born a boy, she never would have had more than 2 children. Needless to say I resented her immensely for this as well as my younger brother for quite a few years. I overcame the resentment in my early 20's and grew to be what I would think is a well adjusted adult.

I got married and had 2 boys then ended up divorced. My oldest (a teenager) has lived with his father for just over a year. Apparently there are no rules when you live with an alcoholic father so he's happy there. My youngest son lives with myself and my partner and our 1yo daughter.

After I had my daughter I was quite happy that my family was finished. I had told my partner that I would only ever have one more child and that was it. Our daughter was born and I definitely didn't want any more children as I wanted to be able to enjoy the ones I already have. I am no longer a 'spring chicken' so my choice was easy. Imagine my horror when I found out I was again pregnant! It took me 3+ months to accept the child growing inside me and then I had an u/s which gave us the news that we're having a boy. My partner then proceeded to jump up and down with joy that he is having a son while I laid on the bed and cried. It didn't occur to me until then that if I had to have this child then I wanted another girl. I'm so sick of boys even though my youngest is the sweetest, most caring and lovable little boy you can come across.

I am trying my hardest to come to terms with being pregnant with another boy but I can't seem to shake the idea that I just don't want it/him. How can I overcome these feelings so that I don't resent the baby once it's born? I don't want to give birth to a child that I don't want.

Please don't tell me that once it's born I'll bond with it as I really don't feel that will happen. I need to find a way of dealing with this before it's born or I am scared my resentment will carry through.

My parner and I had an argument the other night about something silly and I told him that I don't want his child and to take the baby away from me once it's born. Later on I laid in bed and cried my eyes out (as I am doing now) because I know I just shouldn't be feeling like this.

Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks

MoralDilemma

[cocobambino]

Im so sorry you have found yourself in this dilemma,:hugs:

What about adoption, is this an option?

[Manxie]

Hi

I think you have a number of issues that you need to work through. The feelings from your childhood and also the problems with your eldest son.

I really think that perhaps you should see someone for counselling to help you work through these issues. Go and see your g.p. and get a referral.

I am no expert but it seems to me that it is those things from your past that are making you anti having a boy and until they are resolved you will find it hard to accept your new little boy:hugs:

[Mummaholic]

I was touched by your story and just had to write something.

What I would suggest is getting a professional to talk things through with before the baby is born. You might want to visit the Beyond Blue website for some help, and I would suggest calling Lifeline and getting a referral to a pregnancy/post natal depression related help line.

It's obvious to me that you still feel resentment to your mother for her comment those years ago - I would confront her about it, and tell her how much it hurt you.

May I commend you for your courage in seeking help with these feelings - you are a good mummy for knowing u need help and being so courageous.

:hugs: for you.

[Qube]

:hugs: to you, what a brave thing to seek help over.
I agree with pp that phoning lifeline, or visiting your GP so that you can be referred for more help. :hugs:

[MoralDilemma]

Unfortunately adoption is totally out the question. My partner would never allow it and it would cause me more harm than good. I WANT to want this baby not give it up.

I have confronted my mother many years ago and I have come to terms with it. It's just an issue that I don't want to see myself in IYKWIM.

I have also been through several years of counselling with my oldest son and I have accepted that he is under his fathers' influence and wishes to live there. I know that this won't happen with this baby as my partner and I are totally committed to each other through thick and thin. Just like the marriage line - Till death do us part.


I You might want to visit the Beyond Blue website for some help, and I would suggest calling Lifeline and getting a referral to a pregnancy/post natal depression related help line.
May I commend you for your courage in seeking help with these feelings - you are a good mummy for knowing u need help and being so courageous.
:Hugs: for you.

Thanks for that Bagdons. I honestly can't think straight enough to think of something so simple. I will have to wait until my daughter is asleep and my partner is out of the house in order to contact them as I don't want him worrying about me any more than he already does. It's my burden not his and I have to deal with it myself. He just doesn't understand at all.

MoralDilemma

[mumbron]

Please don't let the past judge your future try to be happy that there is a heathy unborn baby growing inside you wheather its a girl or boy i'm sure at the end of the day if anything was to happen to it you would be devastated and this is because from the time it was concieved it became apart of you try and get some help i know that being pregnat is a emotional roller coaster ride and hormones have a mind of their own which does not help. Please talk to someone there are people out there that will help you.

[Qube]

It's my burden not his and I have to deal with it myself. He just doesn't understand at all.

MoralDilemma
Does he know how you feel? He may not understand because he doesn't have the full picture, men can be a little clueless about these things. And it isn't your burden, it's something you are trying to work out and you will need support to do so. What about family to talk to? Siblings, or a good non-judgemental mate?

[MoralDilemma]

Does he know how you feel? He may not understand because he doesn't have the full picture, men can be a little clueless about these things. And it isn't your burden, it's something you are trying to work out and you will need support to do so. What about family to talk to? Siblings, or a good non-judgemental mate?

Yes he knows how I feel but he just doesn't/won't realise how serious I am about it. Sometimes he has ostrich syndrome (stick your head in the sand and hope the problem goes away before you remove your head). My family is 200km's away and my mother just isn't one you can lean on for emotional support. I could call my sister but she would end up bawling her eyes out for me and I don't want to upset her. I have been thinking of talking to one of my gf's who is very non-judgemental but it's a matter of catching her and knowing what shifts she is working. That is definitely a plan I'm going to take asap as well as contacting BeyondBlue or something like it.

MoralDilemma

[tobmac]

my friend felt like this she just had her 4th boy and she told us all at the 18 wks scan they couldnt see the sex it wasnt until i turned to her at 28 wks after she had another scan and jokingly said oh come one S are you sure you cant find out and she cried and cried as she needed time to deal with having another boy, she spoke to the midwives at the hospital about this and they arranged counselling so when she told her hubby she was going to antenatal they also made sure to schedule her counselling appt after it so hubby wouldnt find out and stress too much aswell..............so if you cant find the time to ring someone i would mention it to the midwives/OB so they can stear you in the right direction

[MoralDilemma]

she spoke to the midwives at the hospital about this and they arranged counselling

Thanks for that advice tobmac. I actually have a midwife appointment at the hospital this Friday so I will talk to her and see if she can arrange some help. I'll just make sure my partner stays home with our daughter if he's not working....that'd make it easier when I end up a blubbering mess again.

One of my gf's came over this afternoon and spent time listening to me complain. Gotta love her for that as it helped release a bit of stress. Her hubby is close mates with my partner and he is going to see if he can 'have a chat to him to try and help him have a bit more understanding'. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so independant...I usually always try and deal with things myself instead of worrying others with my problems. I realised this afternoon that even talking to a friend who can't help, actually helps a little bit.

Thank you everyone......I'll do my best and make sure I get some outside help even if my partner doesn't wake up.

MoralDilemma

[Mummaholic]

Hi MD

Also found this which might help.

http://www.in-gender.com/Gender_Disappointment/

[Lastcenturymum]

Please don't tell me that once it's born I'll bond with it as I really don't feel that will happen. I need to find a way of dealing with this before it's born or I am scared my resentment will carry through.

MoralDilemma


Sorry that you are having such a hard time dealing with all you are facing and have been through.

I think your statement above sounds like you have decided you will resent the baby!

I think the suggestions of counselling are a great idea given your strong feelings about the whole situation and will help you deal with all the facets of your life. This is a totally 'new' family in many ways and a chance for a 'new' start. I can understand your partner is excited. And I think he needs to be included. If you are totally committed to your relationship as you say, then you have to be open with each other about everything.

Your comment that it HAS to work sounds like you will see yourself as a failure if it doesn't, but you aren't in it on your own hun, you are a team!

Hope you can get some help and work your way through your feelings and that you and bub stay well :hugs:

[Shanaynay]

I will PM you :yes:

[MoralDilemma]

Also found this which might help.http://www.in-gender.com/Gender_Disappointment/

I have put my daughter to bed and checked out that site and also did a search re: unwanted/unplanned pregnancies and came up with a lot of information. Basically I have discovered that all my symptoms lead to AND more-so than gender disappointment. I intend to talk to the midwife at my next appointment in order to hopefully get this sorted out prior to birth.


I think your statement above sounds like you have decided you will resent the baby!

If you are totally committed to your relationship as you say, then you have to be open with each other about everything.

I didn't mean for it to sound that way. What I meant was that I don't want to resent the baby once it's born. I WANT to accept, love, cherish it just as I did my other 3 prior to their birth. Believe it or not, I love my kids with all my heart. I would give anything in the world to keep them safe and happy. I only want to be able to do the same for this one....I just need some help to do that.

I HAVE been honest and open with my partner from the very beginning. He just doesn't seem to realise the extent of my feelings even though I have told him over and over. As I said, he often has 'ostrich syndrome'.

Thanks,

MoralDilemma

[MyFourCubs]

Hi. My happy little accident just deleted the post that I wrote you. Seriously, I do know exactly how you feel- I really do because I was there recently. My not so happy at the time accident just turned 1. (Hannah):) I was desperately unhappy for the entire pregnancy- a total mess. Right up until the moment she was born I did not want her. I have posted her story below.
http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?t=173344
I know that you don't want to hear that you will bond with this baby once it's born but I really think you will- in time. Don't be so hard on yoursef. Unplanned pregnancy is not always a joy- especially when your emotions are fuelled by rampant hormones. I spent so much of the pregnancy sobbing my heart out it's probably no wonder she was born small- used up so much energy sobbing that I had nothing left to give.:o
I was lucky, I did bond with her at birth (But I was ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY 100% certain that I wouldn't!) and I have to say I was relieved that she was a girl. Sorry, I know that is no use to you but I am being honest. Having said that, I may have bonded just the same if she were a boy. Who knows.
Please read my story if only to know you are not alone, or a bad person for feeling the way you are.
PM me if you like.:)
:hugs::hugs:
Must go- bath time awaits!!!!!!!!
Sara

[MoralDilemma]

I have had my appointment with the midwife and she sent me to an Ob for an assessment. The Ob said that I do have AND but that I don't need medication. That was a relief because although I haven't yet come to terms with this baby, I didn't want any drugs being forced into my system and into the baby. The Ob put the options to me of termination and adoption and I refused both. I could not bear to entertain those thoughts when I first found out I was pg and I'm still not prepared to do it now. I think I would be a bigger mess if I was to contemplate either options.

After my appointment with the Ob, I came home and informed my partner that I have AND and his attitude seems to have changed instantly. He has gone from having 'ostrich syndrome' to being the most caring, helpful, tolerant and loving man I have ever met. It sounds awful but since I have been 'labelled', it has caused a huge change in him. The change has helped tremendously. He gives me a bit of time out when he's home and also has taken a big burden off my shoulders in regards to emotional matters. He sits and listens to me cry my eyes out over all of this (repeatedly) and comforts me more than I thought he ever would.

I am soon to have counselling so :fingerscrossed: I can learn to cope with this and maybe begin to be happy about it. My close gf's have been wonderful. All of them are constantly visiting and calling to check on me and trying to keep my spirits up (or even just to let me use their shoulders to cry on).

Sara I read your story and ended up in tears. You have been through so much and I really appreciate you having the strength and courage to share it with me/us. I'm trying to take some positive vibes from your story but it may take me a while to get there.

There are moments when the baby moves when I wonder what will it take for me to accept/love it like I should. The movements are reassuring that it's alive and well but I still wonder just WHEN my feelings are going to change. Maybe I should try not to think those thoughts in case my feelings do change one day.

Thanks for listening to my messed up head,

MoralDilemma

[MyFourCubs]

Was thinking about you all night and I am so glad that things seem a bit better for you today. I know that the rest of this pregnancy will be a roller coaster of emotion- you will have to take each day as it comes.
It's wonderful that your dh is being supportive. Mine was to a point, but as he was as completely messed up about the pregnancy as I was, every time we tried to talk about it, it really just made things worse. As you read though, we got through it:)
Something I kept telling myself throughout the pregnancy was - there will be a time, a year from now, or two years from now where I will think, "I could not imagine life without this child." While I could not imagine life WITH this 3rd child, this was difficult to believe but I just had to cling on to it. I know that I couldn't imagine life without my first two. (Even with my ds's autism.) I can honestly say that I feel this now- Hannah is a little gift and while I didn't believe it then, I am 100% sure that she came here for a reason. She was ment to be.
I think it's great that you are thinking twice about taking meds because of the baby- that says something.:thumbsup: Even with all my feelings throughout my pregnancy, I still took the aspirin that I needed to prevent miscarriage, (I have antibodies,) and I didn't eat soft cheeses, soft serve etc even though I craved a Maccas vanilla thick shake like you would not believe!! had one today. YUM. But I digress:D
You will get through this, I promise you:hugs: And Bub Hub is a great community and a wealth of support. PM me at any time. Another thing I did was go out and buy a couple of tiny little suits for bub- that helped before all the placenta praevia and stuff happened. Try talking to bub and giving your belly a nice massage. Little things, baby steps:)
Take care,
Sara

[MoralDilemma]

It has been a while since I put my feelings down here but I thought I'd drop in for an update.

I have been seeing a counsellor for the past 6 weeks now and she discovered that I didn't have AND....I actually had anxiety problems due to the stress of what happened with my first and third children. They were both quite ill and were hositalised soon after coming home and that was a very traumatic experience for me, both times. The fear (main cause of anxiety) of this baby suffering the same or worse problems apparently caused my anxiety.

My counsellor organised an appointment with my daughters paediatrician for me and he (the paed) has discussed with me the potential problems and also the expected outcomes and procedures in order to ensure that this baby is born healthy, stays healthy and that any problems are caught prior to ending up a neonatal emergency. This has taken a massive weight off of my shoulders and after letting it all digest for several days, I have come to the realisation that the counsellor was right. My problem WAS anxiety and not AND.

After finding out that the paed will be caring for my new baby, the fear of not wanting/being able to bond with this baby has tapered off greatly....I really trust the paed and I know that he WILL do what he told me.

It might sound strange to someone who hasn't walked in my shoes but the pure relief of knowing that my baby will be in the best care from the minute he/she is born has allowed me to relax enough to realise that I DO want this baby, I CAN bond with it prior to birth and I WILL be able to love and cherish him/her before and after birth.

I have even relaxed to the point where I can finally touch my expanding belly and enjoy the kicks, the feet under the ribs and even the constant pressure below. This is a major milestone for me in this pregnancy and it feels ever so wonderful that I can finally do it! :smiliedance:

Thank you everyone for your wonderful support and kind words throughout my ordeal. I don't know what I would have done without you all.

Now all I have to do is await the birth of my last baby and spoil him/her rotten. :)

P.S. Phineas I apologise if I didn't respond to your PM. I have not ignored you.....I just didn't receive a PM from you to reply to. Thank you anyway.

[pavlova123]

omg we are in the same boat. I felt not normal as i cried in the ultra sound room realsising i was having a boy after already having an 11 month old son,, who mind you is wonderful but i only wanted two kids. And then sumthing that ur mother said. Is i wrong to think now that I have 2 boys, i want to try again for another girl but if it was a girl i would have stayed with only 2 kids? I also am the same as you, i dont want this baby, i dont want a boy and fear ill resent it too, i am sick of pretending to be happy and saying how i am happy with the outcome. I am also suffering depression, so ur question is helping me out as well as you. pm me whenever , we can go through these feelings together.

[MyFourCubs]

I remember this thread as it is quite old- I just thought I'd better say that the op has not posted in a while- several months actually so unfortunately I don't like the odds of her PM'ing you:( However, I'm sure if maybe you started your own thread you would find lots of other support. :hugs::hugs:
Sara

[MoralDilemma]

pavlova123 - I have PM'd you.

MyThreeCubs - You're right, I haven't posted in a while. This username is my 'in hiding' one and I have been very busy with my new bub as well as my other children.

Update - My little bub was born in almost 3 months ago and was healthy at birth....a week later bub was hospitalised for exactly the reason that caused my anxiety. Luckily it was caught at an early stage and wasn't as bad as it could have been had bub not already been under the care of the paediatrician.

It's sad to say but for the first 2 months of his life I loved him but I didn't have 'THAT BOND' with him, ifkwim. It took until the day he first looked up at me and smiled for me to realise that I truly do love and adore my son and yes, I do have a bond with him. So much so that it brought me to tears which I had to hide from my daughter (I didn't want her to see me crying).

So the end result of my dilemma is that I now have a gorgeous little boy and my family is definitely complete. He is adored by everyone including me and the best thing is that I can't imagine my life without him.

If anyone else is in the same boat - remember that all good things happen to those who wait. I waited and it has all worked out brilliantly.

[MyFourCubs]

:smiliedance::smiliedance: Woo-hoo!!!! I am SOOOOOOOO glad you posted! I think about you sometimes and have wondered how you are and there you go, you've been right under our noses:detective: So wonderful to hear you are well and bub is healthy- see, told you it would work out:shame: Lol, just kidding but really, so very happy for you:hugs::hugs:

[MoralDilemma]

Sara thank you for thinking of me. Several months ago I NEVER thought things would work out but they have and I'm so grateful that you and everyone else were there for me. BH really is a site worth being a part of because it has wonderful members such as yourself.

[MyFourCubs]

Couldn't agree more about Bh- wish I'd had it when I was pregnant with hannah, would have made a big difference, probably. Oh well better late than never! And while I don't know your other alias I'm certain that you are also a wonderful contributor to the forum and already you've been able to help others through your own experience.

Group hug all round!!!!!!:hugs::hugs: lol!

[MoralDilemma]

See, that's the interesting part - I never entertained the idea that my own dilemma would/could help others. I guess that's a part of our own growth and if I can help someone else like others have helped me then I think I'll be a better person for it.

BTW, I checked out your wedding photo's and they're gorgeous! You have a beautiful family, lucky lady.

[MyFourCubs]

Well, yes my children are positively gorgeous If I do say so myself!:laughing: But really, thank you.:) I'm sure yours are beautiful as well!!

It's very hard to see when you are in the thick of an emotional crisis that 1) Youll ever get to the other side of it and 2) that you will ever be in a position to help others deal with the same thing. But here we are! Now if I can just see my way through the next 5-10 years or so we'll be getting somewhere!:laughing:

[MoralDilemma]

My eldest is 16 so I have proof that it can be done! :yes:

And yes, my children are all gorgeous but like any mum, I'm a bit biased. Although I have been told by quite a few people that they ARE all gorgeous so that's a bonus.

[raisingthree]

Hi,

I felt like this with my second boy. I really wanted a girl and I cried and cried when I found out he was a boy. I didn't cope well with the pregnancy at all after that, especially when my husband at the time left about a week later!

I kind of went into a denial about being pregnant and didn't have anything organised for him - not even a cot to put him in once he was born.

When he was born, I just thought he looked exactly like my first son, not much more! But as with all my babies it took me a little bit of time to fall in love with my child and now I honestly don't love him any more or less than my other two.

I had a girl in March this year and I have to say that she has been my most challenging baby ever.

Don't feel guilty about the way you feel, you are just being honest and that is how you will cope with this by being honest about how you feel.:hugs:

[MoralDilemma]

Don't feel guilty about the way you feel, you are just being honest and that is how you will cope with this by being honest about how you feel.That's exactly how I got through my problem - by being honest. To me it didn't matter if #4 was male or female, I just didn't want a #4. My problem ended up being anxiety related and I'm so glad that I got help. Without help I wouldn't be looking at my bub wondering what life would be like without him.

I'm so happy that you also managed to get through it all and come out smiling at the other end.

[TheEmpress]

Just wanted to give you a :hugs:

I'm sure once you meet your bub you will feel better about the situation , you might just have to get used to the idea.

Just take one day at a time & try to find some positives ,Goodluck with it all :bee:

[Ange79]

Hi Moral Dilemma!

Thank you so much for sharing your situation with us all here.

I've also had to deal with childhood issues myself, but of a different nature.

My bottom line message for you is to not feel bad about how you feel. I think a lot of the time in life, we put ourselves through lots of turmoil because we feel bad about how we feel.

I think once we accept our feelings - and resist determining whether it's good or bad - we can move on and heal and start to feel better again.

This said though, definitely take some time to talk to a counsellor about how you feel. The validation from a professional will probably go a long way to helping you move forward and help you cope with feelings of overwhelm and helplessness.

Sending you big hugs! :hugs: