The strong willed child

[SixtiesChild]

I am the mother of a very strong willed 5 year old. From the moment she was born, I knew she was a bit different. Those of us who are parenting a strong willed child or children know what I am on about. It's not adhd or anything like that but these kids need to be parented a bit differently, otherwise they can grow up with strong feelings of resentment towards parents and the parent/child relationship brreaks down.
Many of us were strong willed children once and did not like nor respect the way we were parented.
Anyway, I found a website that offers advice and discussion about how to effectively parent and encourage these kids so that they may reach their full potential as adults. :thumbsup: It also explains what a strong willed child is. I wanted to share it because I know how challenging & frustrating it can be for the parents when no one else understands or can see what the strong willed child is really like to parent. :banghead:
www.cantmakeme.com

[Tea Lady]

Have you read the book "The strong willed child" by James Dobson? He has some great ideas. He talks about how parenting is like wheeling a shopping trolley - some people get trolleys that glide along with the push of a finger, where other trolleys you have to fight every inch of the way to get them going in the right direction. I thought that sounded pretty accurate!

[SixtiesChild]

Hi Tea Lady,

I've got the book "The strong willed child" but am yet to read it.
With a newborn, I'm finding that I don't get around to doing all these things that I had planned to do.
The shopping trolley is a pretty accurate likeness of raising children, Dobson is spot on and knows what he's talking about. Hope I get to read it soon.

[the_queen]

oh my goodness, I could have written your exact post, Nadia!!

Thanks for the link, it shall be bookmarked IMMEDIATELY :D

[nemosmum]

I too have a very "challenging" child lol Ive never used the term strong willed but um I like it so may steal that one;)

My son is only 20 months but from the word go he has always been a handful, not in a bad way coz he really is a sweet, kind sensitive soul but he is also very very active, full on and demanding :D :eek:

Thankyou for the link i will check it out ASAP:D

[Ana Gram]

Might have to have a look at that book. DD is definately a very strong willed child and has been since birth. At two her and I butt heads already so i dread to think what it's going to be like when we hit teenage years! Our problem is that she is basically a carbon copy of me right down to the looks and attitude so we are definately going to clash big time!

[Tea Lady]

Thought I should warn you if you do get the book that Dobson writes from a christian perspective ;) but I still think you'd find alot of his ideas useful. It's mostly common sense really, but I usually find when I'm in the middle of the muddle that it's the common sense that I can't seem to remember :rolleyes: :)

[nemosmum]

Maybe we should start a support group here on BH?:)

Any takers?:smiliedance:

[saranliah]

hi there, i know exactly wat u al mean by "strong wiled and challenging" our 2.5yr old daughter is so full on, shes started gettin quite nasty to lately, we've just noticed it over the last cpl of weeks she has been yelling bak and spitting (wich drives me crazy!) and yeling at ppl in the shops to "go away!"its really horrible and hard to deal with, and you get these looks as if to say "your child is horrible!"
but she can alsobe an angle...she is just very "strong willed" and i think will always be...get hard to deal with though hey:confused:

[Elfin]

Another parent of a strong will 2.5 yo checking in. Drives me mad sometimes, she is so stubborn. The link was great and I have bookmarked it too. There is another good book called Raising the Spirited Child, my dd made a lot sense after reading that book.

saranliah my dd and your dd sound exactly the same. Mine is a spitter and tells people to go away all the time, so embarassing:o

One day shopping at Coles, a nice old man came up to say hello, dd just glared at him and said go away Stinky then spat at him. Where are there those holes in the ground when you need them, I am always apologising for her behaviour:rolleyes:

[Baby Girl]

I have a very independent, focused, stubborn, intelligent handful!! She is nearly 3 1/2 and let me just say that we have butt heads since she was about 15 minutes old!!

Some days she can be absolutely lovely and the very next she is a demon! I have noticed she kind of cycles - about every 10-11 days she has 2 off days!!

Talk about unique parenting approaches - it took us quite a while to find common ground that suited all of us. Ways to let her be herself and yet still kept her behaviour in check - she can scream like a champion at times, and chuck the greatest tanty's then five minutes later she is happy and your best friend...until the next time...

So, I definitely put my hand up to join the support group - and thanks Nadia, I will be checking out that website as soon as I post this....

[samuelboy]

Well I think I belong in this group. My Samuel is 16 months old and he knows best! He is the most loving little boy but definitely has a mind of his own.

I was saying to my MIL just the other day about how my Mum is always saying how full on and tiring he is and I wondered if it was just because she had forgotten what little boys were like when my MIL very politely replied "Well, he is very lively". I had a little bit of a giggle to myself and thought - what a diplomatic way to put it!

I have bookmarked the website and will be having a good look.

[JessandKirra]

I am freaking out myself! K jsut this week has starting complaining/getting cranky and hitting me when she doesnt get what she wants. Shes only just turned 1eek.

e.g. wants water doesnt want water throws it on the floor. Hates nappy changes o the change table (thats normal and has been since 2 months). wants a toy she cant reach whinges and points get the toy and throws it away.

This week for three days straight wants to be picked up, when up, wants to get down. Sits on the floor in the kitchen and whinges. like a siren Ugghh. its stretching the nerves.

Always check hungry, tired, wet, thirsty, sick....its just been a crappy week.

I looked at DH today and said "where in trouble" I hope its just a faze...i will look at that website as well....

[melbryan]

This is definitely where I belong.
My son and I have some good times and some very very bad times. I am told because he is a gemini. When he's good he's really good but when he is horrible he is the worst. I feel like shutting us in the house and never coming out. Took him to speech therapist today, he did all he wanted to do then screamed for the last 10 mins, I had to leave, ( she charged me $20 less cause I wasn't there long enough.) Last week took him to the community nurse found out he was bald and he hates bald men so we had to leave there too.
Tonight he has been horrible missed his 11am sleep put him to sleep at 2pm slept for 1/2 hr , he is still tired wouldn't sleep screamed all night then put him to bed early he screamed until i gave him a stern talking to now he is finally quiet 7.43pm.
Whenever we are shopping he is whingeing and he knows I can't put him in the naughty corner so we usually high tale it out of there.
What did I ever do to deserve a child like this.
He can also fool alot of people because he can be very loving and talkative, but when he fell off his bike he threw it and told it off and then tonight he put his hand on the oven door which was on and I told him burnies then he looked through the glass and told the chicken off. The sad thing is my husband yells at the printer or the dog then wonders who his son takes after.
His whingeing drives me in sane!!!! Lucky he is at childcare tomorrow yay a break for mum.

[chloe1]

hi all, i also have a VERY "strong willed" 5 year old girl. We have been butting heads since she was say about "5 minutes old". Very diificult baby, toddler and now child. She started school this year (phew) but really need some help with how to deal with her behaviour. Doesnt have adhd just very energetic, loud, sometimes obnoxious and goes million miles an hour, very busy... Is also a very loving and affectionate child and very clever, yet sometimes find myself wondering what it will be like as a teenager. We are very much similar in personality so im sure that is why we also clash so much. She is a daddys girl, yet even he now notices that she is not like all the other kids we know_shes full on, so i will check out the website and hopefully shed some light on my litt girl
thanks

[BiNdI86]

Hi all.. I have a VERY strong willed 18 month old (who is driving me nuts lately) She has started major tanties about nothing!! I'm tearing my hair out trying to figure out what to do!! :gloomy:

That support group sounds GREAT :thumbsup:

[dhdmum]

Thank god there are others out there. My 3 1/2 year old dd is also very strong willed and has been since birth. She is very bright, kind and emotional but never stpos she is always on the go and can throw the biggest tamtrums.. She has just started being rude and saying no to everything i ask her to do. Some days i don't know what to do and feel like i am telling her off all day. Its great to know i am not alone.

Me 28
DH 31
dd 14.0602
dd 29.06.04

[Elfin]

Welcome to this thread dhdmum:) Mine is so rude sometimes too. She tells me to go away and calls me stinky sometimes:mad: The other day I asked her if she was going to do what Mummy asked and she said 'no way' grrrrrrrrrrr

[melbryan]

My son does not talk that much 2yrs) and so gets very frustrated when he can't tell me what he wants. I put on his other shoes this morning and so he through himself on the floor and kicked and screamed. I had to walk away (over him):no: .
I don't know if what I am doing is wrong, I am trying hard to ignore him he now gets in my face and whinges constantly and then the next minute he is fine. I think he has it in for me. What can you do. I read all the books and listen to my friends but mine just seems so full on not like anyone elses child. I can't wait to he gets alittle older. There are some days he absolutely gets on my nerves.
What do you do????? Oh and he sleeps less than I do.

[kymmy]

i believe my daughter is strong willed
she is 6
i think we should talk more about this

[nemosmum]

Hi everyone,

Mel- I know what you mean about the lack of language affecting behaviour.
My son is 21 and a half mths old and has a large vocab (50words) which is appropriate for his age but he is not stringing words togerther so gets frustrated when he cant get his ideas across to me etc

I find that my son responds badly to an authorative type of discipline but if I talk calmly and use some attachment parenting techniques with him he responds really well!

My son is very full on and active, never stops (alot like his daddy, they are very similar) alot of parents I talk to say "oh my son/daughter is active too" but I think people (like us:D ) who have strong willed children know the difference between an activce child and a SWC thats for sure!

[melbryan]

I have tried to change his diet but he is just a personality all unto himself. He loves screaming and being very extroverted, jibbers to every strangers he sees on the street. I think my hubby was hypo as a child with his 3 brothers and now I have to deal with it.
Nemosmum- what's attachment parenting technique??? I know what locking yourself in the bedroom for five minutes while he screams outside parenting technique is but it get's me to battle through with him.:D
We have just got him off to bed after he screamed cause he couldn't undo a lid on a bottle. He is such a monkey but makes me laugh when I probably shouldn't.
I try not to point at him and say stop and he turns around and does the same to me. I have no patience when it comes to his whingeing.
Before bed he was jumping, hitting the couch, rolling on top of me I am 6 mths pregnant and he head but me twice. I have to stand up so that I can get away from him. Here's to another day.

[lukaelmo]

Have you read the book "The strong willed child" by James Dobson? He has some great ideas. He talks about how parenting is like wheeling a shopping trolley - some people get trolleys that glide along with the push of a finger, where other trolleys you have to fight every inch of the way to get them going in the right direction. I thought that sounded pretty accurate!

Oh dear, I do hope I have got a good trolley :laughing: .

[nemosmum]

Mel- re: attachment parenting, there is a whole section devoted to it on this forum so check it out:)

Also there are heaps of books on AP so check out your local book store.

I have also heard great things about a dvd called "The Happiest Toddler on the block" its supposed to teach tech. to eliminate 60-90% of your toddlers tantrums:)
Anyone heard of it???

[melbryan]

Thanks nemosmum for your help I will definitely look into this.:D

[bibismum]

Hi everyone
First time I've done anything like this - but I'm willing to give anything a go at this point. I have a very strong willed daughter. She's just turned four, but like some of you have said we've been butting heads since she was born more or less. My partner and I are both Virgos so we're both quite strict and stubborn and my daughter is a Leo and they are also stubborn - so you can just imagine the fun at our house.... She's bright (too bright??), demanding and too damned smart for her own good. We also have a younger daughter who is one and she's as easy as they come. Older daughter is defiant, rude, challenges everything, bossy to other kids (not too bad with her sister - although that's getting a bit worse at the moment) and pushes me to the point where I see red and nearly lose control. Won't do time out, doesn't have favourite toys that I can remove - haven't tried the reward chart - so that's my next stop on the internet. But yesterday is the thing that got me searching the web today while I'm supposed to be working. Found this site and read your comments and started crying - it's not just me, I'm not a bad mother....... Yesterday at child care 4 year old was kicking, punching another girl, laughing and putting her tongue out at the carers when told off, not listening and challenging everything they said. (Welcome to our world said my partner to them when they told him last night when picking her up). But I'm over this behaviour - if I can't handle it now - how am I going to go when she's a teenager???? Have written down the names of the books and will get copies to read. But can someone tell me how the reward system really works - I don't want to spend time threatening to remove stars when she's naughty it seems like the same thing really. :ecomcity: and on it goes.....Do I have a point - yes - I'm glad I found this web site it has given me some ideas and made me feel heaps better....

[Tea Lady]

Hi bibismum - glad you found us! I'm sure someone will come along with something more constructive, but I just wanted to say hang in there and you're doing the right things by trying to work out how to help your DD. :hugs:

[nemosmum]

Welcome bibismum!

Glad you found us and i hope you enjoy your time on BH!

I really cant give much advice as my son is only 2 so my strategies for dealing with his willfulness are totally different etc.

But i can suggest you look into attachment parenting (which you can google to find info on) as it has really changed how i parent, its still hard work but it makes alot of sense and works well for my child.
I have found my son is calmer, more easy to handle (day to day routines etc) happier and Im happier around him (which is great)

This may not apply for you but i thought i would add-
Also I took my son to a natropath and started him on homeopathic/herbal remedies PLUS his on a strict diet and takes supplements to help with his allergies (which i found to be a big trigger re: behaviour) and his mood in general.These are all natural stuff so no harmful chemicals etc

Good luck and keep us posted

sxx

[nemosmum]

Hi bibismum - glad you found us! I'm sure someone will come along with something more constructive, but I just wanted to say hang in there and you're doing the right things by trying to work out how to help your DD. :hugs:

Sorry just wanted to add Tea Lady- I LOVE your sig. where it says T2 drinking amniotic fluid till dec.................love it!

[babyboo]

I know what you mean. Since my DD was born she as always fallen into the 'strong willed' box and very much still is. Sometimes i really battle with it and ask myself 'how do i do this?'

She is very bright and clever and i have always been told that she is quite advanced for her age, so i feel like ive always been trying to keep up with her and make sure she is being mentally challenged enough - but i dont think im doing it right. I think she gets very frustrated with me too :rolleyes:

bibismum - you daughter sounds like my 3yr dd - defiant, challenges EVERYTHING, bossy, pokes her tongue out and pulls faces at me when she is being told off or simply walks away, has gotten very fussy with her dinner/meals and wont eat them, when in time out she will lay half in and half and look to see if im watching just to annoy and also pushes me to the point where i see red and almost lose control - sometimes do and just have to step away and regather myself.

I feel like im constantly telling her off, threatening to take toys, etc, constantly going round and round and round in circles and not getting anywhere until im so frustrated i could just have my own little tanty fit.:eek:

I just feel really unprepared for this stage and a bit like im treading in deep water - any suggestions would be helpful.

She does go to daycare 3 days a week as I work those days and loves it. Maybe im not stimulating her enough??? Even with reading, she wants to read books and has been trying for ages - help!!!