HELP PLEASE - Overcoming an aversion to breast feeding... [Archive]

Mischief

22-04-2008, 10:15

Hi ladies,

I know that so many of you have overcome alot to breast feed your children. Im in need of so much support, and Im really hopefully that you will be able to help me.

I breastfed my son for a month, before switching to bottles full of EBB, at about 4 months I couldnt handled the routine of breastfeeding. My whole life was being consumed with expressing then feeding... expressing then feeding. I was so sore, and stressed, my supply had dropped to next to nothing.

Why did I express? It would have been SO MUCH EASIER just to BREASTFEED straight out... I expressed because breastfeeding made me feel suicidal, sadly, thats not even close to an exageration. :( It made me feel dirty, and it hurt and well, every time my little baby latched on, I wanted to die. Im sure that alot of this has to do with the sexual abuse I experienced as a teen. Most women would sit there and look lovingly at their child, experiencing a warmth and bonding that no one else can share. Me, I sat there with tears running down my face, wishing that he would reject me so I could stop.

I know that breast is best, that nothing else can even come close. Thus why I worked so hard to keep expressing for him as long as I could. It was definately a really long and hard road.

So this is why its all relevant today... Im 18 weeks pregnant with number 2.

I KNOW that BREAST IS BEST, that as there is no physical reason why I shouldnt, or can't breastfeed. My hubby wants me to breast feed, my mum tells me that even if I do it for a couple of weeks its good...

Im feeling so much pressure already, and every time I THINK about breastfeeding it makes me want to cry. I have an actual physical reaction, my skin crawls, my fingers tingle (like an electric shock) and I feel like Im going to throw up! Talking about it makes me cry. I dont want to do it, but I DO!

Can anyone help me? I need support, and information.... I do WANT to breastfeed, because I know its the best thing I can do for my baby. But I need to be able to cope with my own issue, or Im scared I wont make it through.

X
Kat

Ps. Thank you for reading my very very long ramble. :hugs:

~Alicia

22-04-2008, 10:21

Oh Kat :hugs:

I'm so sorry. I wish I had some advice for you. My only suggestion would be calling an ABA counsellor. :hugs::hugs:

Mamalicious

22-04-2008, 10:30

:( I hope someone can help. :hugs:

I had the same problem. :hugs:

justmum

22-04-2008, 10:32

Oh my goodness, that's such a hard situation :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Counselling sounds like a good idea.

What about something that stops actual contact? I used nipples shields for 6 months. Not ideal, but might help?

I don't really know just :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Mischief

22-04-2008, 13:25

:( I hope someone can help. :hugs:

I had the same problem. :hugs:
Yep, its horrible isnt it. :(

Thank you everyone.

Ana Gram

22-04-2008, 13:33

:hugs: I felt the same way and I am pretty sure it was because of the rape. So many times I wanted to throw her as far away as possible, I hated her.

I wouldn't recommend ringing the ABA but that is purely because of my own experience with them. If you did ring them, I would be asking for a certified counsellor who knows about emotional trauma resulting from sexual abuse.

Mamalicious

22-04-2008, 13:35

I'd say Chelle is right with that one, it might be good to ring both actually.

22-04-2008, 13:39

I think counselling is pretty much the way to go, I don't think the ABA would be much help to be honest.

Hypnosis????

What a tough thing to have to overcome <hugs>

Mischief

22-04-2008, 13:46

I think it has everything to do with the abuse. It makes it very hard for my hubby to understand though, because he cant see how you can transfer those feelings to a baby who is so innocent and loving. Honestly, I dont understand it either, but the feeling was definately there, VERY VERY strongly.

I did have some counseling for a while, but the biggest problem was that even WITH the medicare rebate it was still costing $40+ each session, and even though that sounds like a small amount to most people, its something I dont think we can really afford.

Hoping to find the courage to talk to the midwives at my appointment to ask for councilling through the hospital. Im pretty sure they offer it... has anyone been public before?

I guess some of it could be to do with my birthing experience too. I was so exausted and in pain, and I can remember them trying to get Oliver to feed right away...I just wanted to have some time to myself to assimilate what had just happened. I feel like such a bad mum!

Ana Gram

22-04-2008, 14:01

I guess some of it could be to do with my birthing experience too. I was so exausted and in pain, and I can remember them trying to get Oliver to feed right away...I just wanted to have some time to myself to assimilate what had just happened. I feel like such a bad mum!

Absolutely. I felt the same way. I woke up from that horrible birth to find a midwife had striped me down to my waist and was shoving DD onto my breast. I felt so disgusting, I feel sick just thinking about it now.

Mischief

22-04-2008, 15:12

Did you breastfeed for long Chelle?

Ana Gram

22-04-2008, 16:53

I suffered through the 4 days in hospital where they demanded that I put her on the breast. God it was horrible. And they wouldn't let me leave because DD hadn't put on enough weight and I had "failed to show them I was competent at breast feeding". They told me that they would have DD taken off me. My mum hit the roof and had me signed out.

As soon as I was home, she did not go back on the breast but I express fed for 6 weeks. Although I didn't have the huge reaction to expressing as to having her attached to me, I did still find expressing difficult. And I mean psychologically difficult. I didn't want to throw her across the room any more but I still resented her and the act of expressing. I didn't bond with her and pretty much felt nothing for her. The happiest day out of the first 6 weeks of her life was when I developed eczema covering every inch of my legs and I had to go on strong steroids, which meant I had to stop expressing.

Mischief

22-04-2008, 16:56

I can understand that feeling! I was very much the same! :( I hated expressing too, but it was the lesser of the two evils!

Mamalicious

22-04-2008, 17:43

I know what you mean about the sexual abuse causing problems with breastfeeding. My DH doesn't understand it either, thinks I'm being silly, but hes not known for his compassion. ;)

Expressing wasn't so bad as breastfeeding for me either, I didn't last long though, simply because by then I was so over wanting to end my life that I would have cut my breasts off to save me from it. I hated it, every single second of the entire experience.

I just had a thought, did you go to those breastfeeding classes at the hospital? Maybe it would help, going through the motions of breastfeeding before actually doing it, to get used to it, see how you feel.

That was a good idea, if I do say so myself, I am so doing that! :p

Mischief

22-04-2008, 19:53

I didnt go to the breast feeding class last time, but am planning on going this time around. I was so sure that I would be one of these mums who BF her baby with no issues until they were at least 1.... at the VERY VERY least I was going to feed until 6 months!!

Its nice to know that Im not alone in feeling like I do, did....... yanno. *sigh*

Mamalicious

22-04-2008, 19:56

Yeah...I know what you mean.

When I was pregnant there was no way on this god given Earth that I would stop breastfeeding before my baby turned 2.

Let us know how you go k? And if I have any more brilliant thoughts I will be back here in a flash. :p

PinkBinkie

22-04-2008, 20:03

From what I've heard (a friend and my sis) the public system offers great counselling service. Even after you've had your 2nd bub and feel like you need counselling you can be readmitted to hosp and have your own room on the maternity ward. I think the midwifes that specialise in breastfeeding are brilliant and will do everything to help you (that's been my experience).

lukaelmo

22-04-2008, 20:14

My milk supply with Felix ran really low when he was around 8 months, and I remember feeling just really really resentful towards feeding him. He needed me constantly, and I just started feeling that the contact was wrong. I don't know why, I certainly didn't have any reason to.

Anyway, he was 8 months old, and I felt awful, but I put him onto formula. I think if I hadn't had supply issues I would have kept on going, and when I look at him now at 13 months old, well yes, I wish I had.

So I guess that because you so want to breastfeed, you need to sort out the problems you have with it. And asking the midwives at hospital sounds like a great direction to go in, there must be many many women who feel/have felt like you do, for exactly the same reasons.

And, just because you felt like that with your first, I don't think it automatically means you will feel like it with your second. I think you are absolutely right to try to deal with it now, but those funny feelings I had with Felix, I never ever had with Luka, and fed him until he self weaned at around 13 months.

Good luck, and you sound like you are doing all the right things.

ETA I just reread my post and I don't exactly sound very sympathetic... I'm sorry, I am, I just don't express myself very well when I try to help people. I think you are fabulous for trying to deal with this now.

Mischief

22-04-2008, 20:16

Mama - Thank you so much for your support, you have no idea how much it means. :hugs:

PB - Thank you for that info! I'll definately be asking the midwives about it, and seeing if I can get acess to councilling. My mum has just started going to see the counciller in the Oncology dept after her cancer treatment. She said the lady was very good.

LukaE - THANK YOU for your honesty.

And, just because you felt like that with your first, I don't think it automatically means you will feel like it with your second.
That is exactly what my hubby keeps saying, that i need to think positively and that just because I had so many troubles with Oliver doesnt mean I will again this time. He also said he thought that if my birthing had been easier that I may have bonded better. Maybe he is right. :)

Ana Gram

22-04-2008, 20:19

It's hard because most people don't really understand. And no-one really wants to hear a mother say she hates her newborn and wants to fling them across the room. It kind of feels like another one of those things we are supposed to keep behind closed doors.

The only people who are really going to come close to understanding are women who have been through sexual assault and then had issues with breast feeding. I mean I figured I was going to breastfeed, I didn't give it a huge amount of thought. It made me a little uncomfortable but wasn't a huge deal. But once I physically did it the feelings overwhelmed me

sweetsugardumplin'

22-04-2008, 20:24

:hugs: to you.

I totally empathise, I was sexually abused as a child and raped as an adult - and found BF difficult with DS and DD but I perservered.

I always found the sensation of let-down would bring on the worse feelings of dread and horrible memories and even now with DD who is four months old - I just push through the feeling because I know it will pass.

I just want to offer support and understanding and let you know that public hospitals do offer trained psychologists who have specific training in all matters relating to pregnancy, birth and beyond.

Hang in there - but at the end of the day you have do to what is right for you. :hugs:

Mischief

22-04-2008, 20:26

Chelle - Yep, its right, I dont think people understand. They TRY, but unless you have been there yourself and felt the feelings, I guess its not possible.

The horrid feelings you have are something you keep locked away from the world because you worry that if you say them someone is going to take your child away...and even though you are not bonding you are TERRIFIED of that more than anything, they are still YOURS.

Sweet - WOW... you did so well to keep going, its inspirational to know it can be done. Have you had any experience with the psychologists at the hospital?

*Chels*

22-04-2008, 20:29

Wow Kat and Chelle..you have showed me such a different side of BFing:hugs:

Kat,I read all about your BFing issues with O,I think you did an amazing job.It must be hard to feel the pressure from everyone,esp yourself.
I definatley think its a great idea to talk to your middies about it.

Hang in there - but at the end of the day you have do to what is right for you. :hugs:

:iagree:

Mischief

22-04-2008, 20:37

Thanks Chels - its hard to believe it was 2 years ago, and Im about to do it all again. :o :hugs:

PookieLady

22-04-2008, 20:55

Just wanted to but my 2 cents in, every child is different you may find your next latches on with out a fuss and its a walk in the park. a close family member had so much trouble with her first, everything u can think of went wrong for the poor woman. her toes would curl up and you could see her heart just break as she would try to get her bub to breastfeed. she could only do it for a week before putting her DD on the bottle. and i think it was the best thing she ever did she was so much happier... both mum n bub! anyway so along came bub number 2 and she goes alrite im just going to give it another go if it dont happen again it will be ok. her DS was such a little booby boy and had no probs it just worked out great for her.
so back to my point you may find your next bub or you wont have a prob what so ever. and in the end do what you want and makes you happy. happy mummy = happy baby

Sarah

sweetsugardumplin'

22-04-2008, 21:13

Sweet - WOW... you did so well to keep going, its inspirational to know it can be done. Have you had any experience with the psychologists at the hospital?

Yes I have, although I didn't start seeing the psych because of BF stuff, infact we haven't touched on that at all (yet)

But she is great and because she has lots of experience in the field she is very helpful and supportive (she also has a very down to earth approach and doesn't have an agenda)

She has even suggested the occasional use of formula (which I know may horrify some BH) but she is very focussed on you - the client.

And the fact that the sessions are free make it easier to attend rather than stress about money.

I am more than happy to offer any help I can :hugs:

Beany

23-04-2008, 14:41

It takes time, Kat. Time and hard work.

You need to confront what happened to you and let that go. Scream, get angry, cry - whatever it takes to get that anger, frustration, hurt, shame and powerlessness out of your system. If you can, please please go and see a counsellor about all this and talk to the ABA - explain that you have trauma resulting from sexual abuse and they will be able to help you.

It will still take some getting used to when you are feeding, though. Although it didn't seem like a benefit at the time, the pain of breastfeeding removed all other anguish from my head. As the pain persisted, that's all I thought of. When the pain left, it was the LACK of pain that I was focussed on. In all those times, understand that bonding may be somewhat compromised and so make sure to bond before and after feeds. Spend time looking at each other quietly, have lots of skin-to-skin contact, cuddle in bed, talk, sing and coo. Make a conscious effort to do this in the beginning and your breastfeeding relationship with your baby will change from something that's an awful chore to something that's ... well, still a chore but not so awful :laughing:

You can get through this, Kat. You absolutely can :hugs:

bronny-jane

24-04-2008, 09:59

i used to associate breasts as sexual...
so to overcome my thinking i started to watch alot of nature films with apes, seeing an ape feeding a baby.. you dont think twice about it, no other apes walk pass and comment either;)... the mothers are so relaxed.... the more i watched the more i saw it as so natural and instinctual as well:yes:

ok so breast is best, but you need to do what feels right for you, dont be pressured into it because you think thats what everyone else wants you to do...

find films of tribal african women feeding their babies... animals... and think about how we are indeed just animals ourselves....

Mischief

24-04-2008, 13:08

sweetsugardumplin'

27-04-2008, 10:31

Thank you so much guys. Like I said, I have the appointment with the midwives on the 1st (Next Thursday) So Im hoping to ask for a referal to see a LC and counciller through the hospital.

I know I can do this, but Im terrified about it. Despite how bad labour was, etc, its NOT that Im worried about going through again. Its the breastfeeding, the bonding, the PND.... that all terrifies me.

:hugs:

But you are doing the best possible thing............you are preparing yourself for the issues you may have.

Hopefully the counselling and support you receive will enable you to develop some coping mechanisms.

And if at the end of it all BF is still not right for you, you will know in your heart and head that you have done everything possible :kiss:

You will also have established supporitve relationships with the LC and the counsellor, which will enable you to continue to receive support and nurturing if and when you decide to stop BF.

You are an amazing woman and mother and I am inspired by your determination. :yes:

kalinajane

27-04-2008, 10:48

I hope they can refer you for some counselling as I'm sure it will help, if not with the BFing but in general. If they can't, talk to your GP. Medicare set up a new thing a few years ago for "long term health management" . If you have an "ongoing" health problem, you can get some free treatment for it. This could be anything from diabetes to dimentia. I got help when my panic attacks returned a few years ago, medicare paid for 5 x psychologist sessions. I wouldn't have been able to get help without it!

I struggled with BFing just on the physical side and if we weren't travelling OS this year, would have given up after 2 weeks. It was just so hard & painfull. Even now we've both got the hang of it, I still feel like there's something wrong with me as I don't feel this magical "bond" as she sucks on my milk bags (my new name for them now I've lost all sexual thoughts about them). I feel so much more of a bond when I tickle her neck and she smiles and giggles and wants more. And you can do that with a bottle fed baby!

MrsP

27-04-2008, 22:54

Oh Kat

I'm so sorry. I wish I had some advice for you. My only suggestion would be calling an ABA counsellor.

I so agree. Please phone them - they are great & won't judge you by any means.

:hugs:

reAllytee

27-04-2008, 23:20

Oh Kat im so sorry i missed this !

If you need to talk im always here.

As you know i overcame a lot to be able to cope with the birth of Squeak but sadly it didnt help when it came to b/f.

Whilst i did perservere i hated & loathed every minute & in some ways i wonder to this day if i somehow wished Squeak's problems on him so that b/f wouldnt work. Stupid i know.

As others have said every experience is different so while Oliver's wasnt that great it doesnt mean that this time around it will be the same especially when you are having a great birth right ;)

I did have moments that i truly did enjoy it with Squeak whereas Boof was all bad.

Abuse can affect us in so many ways that others cant understand that doesnt mean what we feel isnt valid it just means its an unknown to them.

Anyways i wont ramble anymore because Chelle has expressed a lot of how i felt etc & others have given great advice etc. I do believe you are best seeking a counsellor who can help with this issue.

For me speaking with my psychologist was great but when it came to birth trauma & the affects of this & b/f from abuse were a little out of her realm which was why i had a great independant midwife do my counselling. She was great & i cant thank her enough for the help she offered as was my Doula with her help. Speaking with the right person really is the key in regards to this because not everyone is experienced enough.

So yeah anytime you want to chat :hugs::hugs:

Mischief

29-04-2008, 09:18

Sweet - Thank you for your support and encouragement. This is a great point, and you are right, I need to talk to them. :yes:

You will also have established supporitve relationships with the LC and the counsellor, which will enable you to continue to receive support and nurturing if and when you decide to stop BF.

KJ - I understand what you mean about the bond. And the new name for your breasts...I used to call Oliver, Mr Milk, because when he wanted milk, he wanted MILK and was in a foul mood about it. You are doing a fantastic job.

MrsP - Thank you. I'll try to talk with the LC at the hospital first, and if I dont feel there is enough support, or information, I'll definately call the ABA. :)

Ally - As always you are simply amazing. First up though, dont you dare think that you caused Squeaks problems. YOU DID NO SUCH THING! :hugs:

For me speaking with my psychologist was great but when it came to birth trauma & the affects of this & b/f from abuse were a little out of her realm which was why i had a great independant midwife do my counselling.

I agree... When I spoke to my pychologist (well before I stopped going.. LOL) I felt the same. She was a big help with dealing with the sexual trauma, but I think she was unsure how to answer my feelings about birth, etc. I didnt even talk to her about BF.

Anyway, Im off to the midwives in 2 days, so now all I need is the courage to ask for their help. LOL Wish me luck guys! Please!

Mischief

01-05-2008, 19:36

I did it.... I have In my lovely BRIGHT ORANGE BOOK a referal to see a cousellor and a lactation consultant. :)

Thank you all for your help. I'll call for appointments tomorrow. XX

Mamalicious

01-05-2008, 20:38

Mama - Thank you so much for your support, you have no idea how much it means. :hugs:

:hugs: I am so glad you have gotten the ball rolling with this. :hugs: Good luck.

I agree that it isn't the same if you haven't been through it, nothing ever is, is it?!

Just remembering how convinced I was that I would breastfeed, totally invincible I was...never occurred to me that "the *******" would get in my way.

I am so filled with hope for you, :hugs: x a million sweetie.

Mischief

29-05-2008, 18:29

Just wanted to update that I finally got up the guts to call the Lactation Consultant yesterday, they returned my call this morning and I have an appointment next Friday arvo.

Wish me luck please....

Mamalicious

29-05-2008, 19:48

Beany

29-05-2008, 21:09

You don't need luck - what you need you already have: determination and desire.

All the best. :hugs:

Thermolicious

29-05-2008, 22:36

Hi Mischeif

Just wondering if you have heard about the Mother and Baby Unit at St Helens Hospital?

I did a Google search as I stayed at the one here in Perth not that long ago and there were some mummies and there babies staying there for the same sort of reasons you are talking about....

Here is some results from the google search

http://www.abc.net.au/stateline/tas/content/2003/s1044745.htm

http://members.*************.com.au/index.php?showtopic=492356

http://www.healthscopehospitals.com.au/info/general/HospitalHome/get/25/hospitalId/ - check out services

the last one is probebly the best

Take care :hugs:

Mischief

30-05-2008, 20:26

Thank you all so much for your kind words. :hugs:

Baby Maker - Thank you. I'll see how I go with the consultants, because we dont have private health, Im concerned that we couldnt afford the mother baby unit. Do you know if they are covered by medicare?

Thermolicious

31-05-2008, 11:27

Sorry Mischeif I am not really sure, the one here in Perth is public so it would be worth calling them and asking, or maybe they could refer you to a public one :yes:.

The one here in Perth is run by a psychologist and is staffed by nurse psychologists and mother craft nurses, there are also a few middies running around, it seems that these people would be the support people you need.

:babydust2:Oh how I wish I could transport the unit here to you there.:babydust2:

If you want to talk more about it please PM me.

Sending you :hugs: and good :goodvibes:.

Mirranda