How do I support my friend, when I don't know what to say?

[MonkeyMum05]

I thought I would seek out some opinions and advice regarding a little bubba's health problem...
A very close friend of mine (childhood 'Best Friend') had a beautiful little baby boy on in mid-February... he was born premmy via an emergency c-section, as he had a dangerously high heart rate. He has spent most of his life in hospital... only 4 days at home all up.
His heart rate just won't go down, and the Dr's aren't sure why. He has been on numerous medications which 'shoud have' worked, but didn't. He can't feed properly, because he is just constantly too exhausted.

My friend lives in Sydney and I live in Brisbane, so I only talk to her on the phone and can't be there to support her, but she often calls to chat about it...
last night she said that the Dr's have told her she is going to have to decide what to do...
either allow them to operate on him, with only a 30% chance that the operation will be successful (and it would be a high risk operation)... or try another medication which will almost definately make him blind.
He is too young for both options, but they are the only choices available.

She kept saying to me "What would you do?" and I just didn't know what to say?
I asked what the odds of the medication working was, and she said they hadn't told her, because the last 3 lots which should've had a 90% success rate didn't work for him.

I just feel kind of useless... when she calls, I don't know what to say.
I listen, but am lost for words. It's very sad, as she has miscarried before and was just so excited about having this baby... she says to me "All I ever wanted was a baby." She is sounding very down, almost to the point of giving up IYKWIM.
I'm not sure what advice/support would be most helpful? I listen to her, but I know she wants me to give her answers, and I can't.

I have asked if she has seen a counsellor throught the hospital and she said 'Yes, but they just sat there and said 'I see.'"
What can I say? What adivce could I offer?

[Rell]

Oh what a horrible situation for your friend to be in:( I can understand how hard it must be for you especially since you are in a diffrent state. I guess the only advice I would give a friend in that situation is to do lots a reserch and then choose what she thinks is the best for her bub.
Sounds like you are being a great friend. I think sometimes just being there for her to talk too would be a great help.
I so hope the outcome is good for your friends baby:hugs:

[Funkychicken]

My friend lost one of her twins and as her friend I just followed her lead. As much as you feel useless, you can't make any decisions for her. If she asks you what you would do you need to be able to say "I can't make that decision, you need to do this" but with constant reassurance that you'll be there for her and support her all the way no matter what, and that nobody will judge her for her decision whatever that may be. Is there a chance you can get to her? This is a huge ask but it would show her how much you love and support her. If not, maybe you could write to her as well as the phone calls. :fingerscrossed:

[MonkeyMum05]

Thank you for your replies. I relly appreciate it.

Sal008 - unfortunately I can't get to her... I have a breast feeding baby, no family to help out... and cant afford it financially.
... I think I should just keep doing what I have been... like you said I can't decide for her, but I can support her decision.
...and thank you Nell aswell! I might do some research for her... she doesn't really have time as she is at the hospital all day. I'll see what I can find out.
It's difficult though, as there has been no 'diagnosis'. His heart is just beating way, way too fast.
I'm sure the outcome will be positive, though! I can feel it.:o

Thank you both again :thumbsup:

[JnA]

I wish all the best for your friend and her baby.

I agree that you can't make a decision in this situation. You just need to tell her that whatever she decides, you will support her and be 'there' for her all the way.

What a lucky person she is the have such a special friend like you.

[will&samsmum]

Hi.......my son has a rare brain condition and we spent 20 weeks of his first year of life in hospital. Just you being there to listen when she needs to talk is the most important thing you can do as a friend. Let her know she can call you any time of the day and you will be there to listen. Send her little friendship cards and maybe flowers every now and then. Don't ever make her feel that she talks too much about her babies problems. Try and do some research and send it to her as she probably can't get her head around doing that stuff at the moment. See if you can find a support group for her and send her the information. Encourage her to keep seeing the hospital councillors.....if she has no rapour with the first one encourage her to change to another one. The hospital usually have chaplins as well and they can often be quite helpful. You just being there as you already are is the best help of all. Unfortunately you can't make the decision for her but as you know you can support her when she does make the decision. Let her know that Special children are given to special mums and that she has be chosen because she has an inner strength that can handle this.......if she didn't she would not have been chosen. You sound like a wonderful friend. Big cuddles to you and your friend. Take care. Emma :hugs:

[mumof03]

Through your research, see if you can find a support group in her area for her to talk to. If you find one, give her the details, and explain to her that you really can't understand what she is going through, or what she should do because you are not in her situation, but the people in the support have been/ or are going through the same, so they will understand.
Also, tell her that you are still willing to be there for her if she does want to talk, and that you will support her in what ever decision she makes.
Unfortunately, we can't just click our fingers and have all the answers, but I hope your friend will be ok with what ever decision she makes. Best of luck.