after some support and advice

[hayleylea]

Hi everyone...

My DF has accepted a job in Paupa New Guniea. Now i wasnt to pleased that he even applied for it and now tha the has got it im devasted! It has been a long process (over 8 months of filling out paper work and getting visa etc) and the reality is all coming ahead as he is set to go in around a months time. He wants me and the kids to go - however i just dont think PNG is the place to take the kids, spending your time stuck at home in a compound etc. Also my DD is only 7 weeks old so i dont really want to risk her getting sick over there..nor do i want to be alone without my mums support etc.

Its hard because i know the kids (especially DS) will miss their grandparents HEAPS and their cousins etc if we go...but i just know how much DS will miss his dad if he just goes.

The reality of it all is that DF will be going and ill be staying at home - he said he is only going to go for 3 months but for me 3 months without seeing him at all seems like a long time!! he will miss out on some important moments in DDs life and his little boy (who does everything with his dad) is going to wonder where daddy has gone.

Sorry im rambling!

Anyway i just want some advice on how to help explain to DS(2.5) and any experiences of people with their partners working away at 3 months at a time (i know there is lots of people out there doing this - sometimes longer).

Im so upset about it all and really dont know how to feel.

Also another question for all of you that do have partners working away - would you drop everything and move with them if you could? even if it meant moving to a place like PNG?

thanks everyone. Hope it makes sense!

[hayleylea]

anyone?

[M O P]

not really sure if I'm going to help but I just wanted to tell you my family moved to the Solomon Islands when I was a child, then later Vanuatu
and I can say those days bring up some great childhood memories.
It's a great time to do it now while schooling isn't a consideration.

We had plenty of local and expat friends-
the expats are all in the same boat so great support and the locals, well they're local so the can teach you what's going on.

Good luck with your decision- I'm sure it will be tough.

[hayleylea]

Thanks motherofpearl.

ive spent the whole day crying about it today - just needed to get it all out i think.

Still no idea what im going to do, what im suppose to do, or what the right thing to do is. :hair:

ill work it out.

[QTB]

my DH doesnt work away... but my dad lived in NZ while i lived here in oz when i was growing up

i think the one thing that was most important was photos!! photos of me and dad, me, mum and dad, and just dad...

and phone calls, letters (no email back then lol)

mum would also talk to me every day about dad - we would make up stories about what he was doing and how much he missed us etc...

although i was a wee bit older than 2.5, more like 3.5 :D

but preparation, photos and talking about daddy would be what i would do if DH was going away!

[M O P]

if you were only there for 3 months it would be a bit more like an extended holiday-
I'm sure the children would miss their Dad more than their cousins for 3 months iykwIm
but I do understand it must be very confusing

[TeamAwesome]

I spent 13 months following DH around the country with his work so yes I have done it; I also had him go away for work when DD2 (our third) was 10days old to Nth QLD he's been home three times not inc Christmas and she's now almost 6mo (we moved back to be close to family when I was 30 weeks pregnant with #3)

WE decided the kids were young enough to do it but it was hard at times with no breaks and him gone all day long but was nice to have him come home at night. There has been times where he has gone ahead of us for a month or two. As Karen said where you will be there will be a lot of people who can

As for coping for the few months -If you don't have one I suggest you invest in a swing for your baby! there will be times when as there's only one of you and two of them and sometimes bub has been fed changed and burped rocked etc and your toddler will need attention so that will help out there. also handy for showering and doing dinner.

I use a slow cooker for dinner most nights otherwise I do something like Tuna Mornay as it's all in one saucepan so much easier to clean up after wards!

Don't presurre yourself to have everything done every day it's not always possible somethings can be let slide, your sanity is worth it.

anyother questions you have for me just pm me as I'm not in this area often.

Good luck with the big decision of moving though, I can understand the decision myself we are always ahving discussions about it ourselves but right now we need to stay put and not do such a big move again.

[hayleylea]

oh my post come across silly - of course they would miss their dad more then their grandparents and cousins - i was just writing as i was thinking and it come out all silly!!

And as for it being an extended holiday i suppose you are right. But i would be alone for most of the time and am extremely shy so meeting people and other expats is a hard for me - but given the chance of course I would.

I guess i have to go to the doc and see if the kids can have needles and the risk of diseases etc and then make my decision.

It must seem a little silly - i mean 3 months isnt really that long. But on the other hand it would be a REALLy long time if we werent together. AGGHHH im rambling again!

[hayleylea]

thanks spaghetti mummy - I really appreciate an insight to your life travelling with your husband..

[TeamAwesome]

glad it made some sense to you. I have a bad head cold so not much is making sense right now to me.

Talk it all out with your DH is all I can say. Feel free to ask questions around here, make sure if you decide to stay here that you WILL get the support you require!

If you stay join a playgroup if you haven't already as some weeks it is my sanity saver!

[hayleylea]

yeah it made sense

DH and i have talked about it over and over again. Its hard when his heart is set on it and im not too sure about it. I know that if i do stay ill have plenty of support..but its hard because the support i want and rely on now is Dh's. I guess i just cant imagine spending that time away from him but cant imagine moving to png with my kids. Such a hard decision and life changing aswell - I rang DH in tears today (his at work) we will talk more about it when he gets home.

Thanks again

[M O P]

oh my post come across silly - of course they would miss their dad more then their grandparents and cousins - i was just writing as i was thinking and it come out all silly!!

:hugs: I didn't mean to make you look silly- sorry :o

Will you have a house girl, gardener etc over there?
Think of it as a great experience and if you hate it-
it won't be long until you are home again.

3 months apart would be terrible :(

[Kazamataz]

I personally have never been in this situation.

However I firstly wanted to give you big :hugs:
and hopefully offer some advice.

I haven't read what the other ladies wrote, but if I was in your position I would jump at the chance to go to PNG for 3 months.

It would be an awesome adventure and a lot of fun.

You and your children can get vaccinated if your worried about catching something and you just have to be careful how you prepare food and boil you water before drinking it.

of course you'll miss you friends and family but at least you'll see you DH every night.

And you can make friends while your there, the PNG people are totally friendly they are so incredibly hospitable.

I personally would rather go for 3 months and be with my DH then stay at home missing him for 3 months.

If your worried about getting bored during the day, it wouldn't be any different to if you were here and a SAHM.

There most likely won't be a starbucks or a shopping mall, but they aren't totally primitive.

There will be so much to do you won't have enough time in the day.

I say Go for it, you'll have a blast!

[InSaneOne]

we have a similar decision here too. dh has been offered work in new zealand. and i wouldn't know anyone there either. i have a support network here with my mum and my friends and i told dh that he could go by himself as it was only a temp job. he will have everything paid for by his work so it will be an opportunity for us to save a bit of money (he won't need as much of his pay as work will pay for all his expenses while he is away) at this point it looks like he will be gone for 1 month but if it is any longer he will come home for a weekend visit. he did ask that if the job turned into a permanent job would he accept it. we talked it over and while i would miss my life here with my firends - i wouldn't hold him back and i would follow him to whereever he wanted to go.

as for expaining it to your children - maybe get a laptop for dh with a webcam and set aside 2-3 nights a week where your little ones can say hello to daddy and you can chat to each other. tell the children that daddy has to go to work in another country so you won't be able to see him everyday. but explain that they will be able to talk to daddy. maybe even get a photo of dad for them to keep next to their bed.

[hayleylea]

kazamataz - thanks for your views. Everything you say is right - it really is an experience of a life time, its just hard to go. If it was just me and DF then i wouldnt have a worry in the world. But everything i have read on the net about PNG sounds so scary and im not sure if i want to put my kids out in that environment - yes i know you only read the bad stuff and never the good stuff but i dunno i guess im just really scared.

i know if i go there and hate it and it isnt safe in anyway that i can come back. We are throwing up ideas with maybe him going for a month, then us joinging him for a month and then him spending the last month there without us. That way the kids are missing out on him that much and are getting to see him for the whole month in between which wont make it that bad.

As for the needles my local doctor doesnt do them for PNG (only mainstream like thailand etc) But he said the needles would be limited for DD as she is so young. Im making an appointment tommorrow to go see the doctor that does them to have a talk to him about the risks etc.

Another reason why i dont want to go is we have just moved into our new house and DS has just got all settled in and now we have to uproot him again - in saying that though they do adjust quickly and its really only an extended holiday after all isnt it?? (trying ot talk myself into i think!)

it would get us ahead money wise as everything is provided over there - house, phone bill, electricity bills - etc etc.

I can have a house maid if i want.

Anyway ive got alot to think about. Im not looking forward to making the decision one bit!

Billieandbeth - thanks for your imput too, I feel so terrible that i dont have your attitude in that you would follow your DH anywhere. I feel guilty i guess - i do love him, i love him sooo much but had he taken the job for more then the 3 months i dont thik i could move over there - which probably makes me a bad person. Ah! cant wait till this decision is over as its doing my head in!

[Manxie]

Hi haylealea

Its a very difficult decision so I can understand how you are struggling with it.

My dad used to work abroad a lot when we were kids and the end result was that we really arnt close at all:no: This was back in the "olden" days though when telephone call costs were bad and we could only ring once a week if we could get through. No email, skype etc.

Would he have access to skype? This makes a huge difference. Dh is away this weekend and dd was really missing him. Once she could see him on the computer she happily accepted that he was away. Be nice for your dh as well.

I would lean towards going but I would want to talk to/email some of the expats from your husbands company.

What facilities are there for healthcare? i.e. is it just a nurse or a doctor as well. Where were they trained. (My BIL worked in PNG as a dr for a longtime and he is awesome!!)

What provision are there for your safety. I think you said you are living on a compound? What is the security like? Are you safe to leave the compound? Do they provide escorts? Would you house have a guard/security etc.

What medical insurance do they provide? How quickly can they get you back to OZ if one of your family becomes sick and requires urgent medical treatment? Does the company pay for it?

I really dont think you need worry about making friends/having support there as expat communities are fantastic places. They will be knocking on your door once they realise their is someone new to get to know. Also they usually have some sort of club where the expats regularly meet.

Good luck I think the biggest concern would be for your youngest health as we all know how quickly they can go downhill if they get sick.

Hope my ramblings help!

[Kazamataz]

Oh mate, this must be so hard for you!

I talked to my friends about PNG they own a backpackers resort over there.

From what they say it's incredibly safe, there is so much hype at coup and violence and such.

But they said in reality it's actually very safe if you take the proper precaution.

Their advice was just to stay away from the known bad spots and listen to the locals they will make sure you don't end up in hot water.

If your living in a compound, I'm sure they will have local advisor's who direct you to where it's safe and not safe.

They said just use common sense and you'll have an awesome time.

I also have a friend who lived in PNG when she was you youngest age. That was over 20 years ago now, but she could be vaccinated at a young age so I don't see what would have changed in 20 years? In fact I would have thought vaccinations would have gotten better.

Anyways good luck with it all and let us know what you decide. If you stay I know you'll have lots of friends in bubhub land to support you :thumbsup: