I want it to be ok to enjoy my pregnancy

[Oriental Lilley]

Hello Shari,

My darling husband and I had been trying to fall pregnant for a little over a year when we found out we'd done it - we were expecting our first child and my first pregnancy had begun.

I am now 15 weeks pregnant and have suffered terrible all day sickness constantly, exhaustion, and the metallic taste in my mouth. While I was very excited when I found out I was pregnant I have not enjoyed being pregnant so far. I have had moments of uncontrollable sobbing, not wanting to leave home, not wanting to speak to people about being pregnant, afraid of feeling happy in case I jinx my pregnancy. All I want is a healthy baby and to be excited about being pregnant.

My husband is a midwife of two years and most people think this will be fantastic for us. I'm not so sure. He told me today that only last week he had to deliver a dead 17 week old fetus and then console the family. Given I'm 15 weeks pregnant it's all a bit too close to home, so to speak. We also had a friend whose baby died in utero at 26 weeks and there have been other instances of miscarriage and abortion that he has experienced in his job that I now think are really taking away the pleasure and excitement of my being pregnant - both for him and for myself.

Only today I was thinking that I do not recall my husband being joyed at my pregnancy. He avoids discussing the future of us being parents. He avoids us looking at what cots or things we might need for our baby. In his words today "we aren't out of the woods yet". I have been anxiously waiting for the end of the first trimester to be "out of the woods" and to start to feel that I can enjoy this experience but it's not happening.

I'm wondering if you have any suggestions on things I can do or say to help us start to focus on the joys of being pregnant rather than the risks or fears, especially those that my husband has experienced?

kind regards,
Oriental Lilley

[drshari]

Dear Oriental Lilley
Thank you for your post, my apologies for the delay in getting back to you.
My first suggestion is for your husband to find a trusted colleague who has their own children to talk to. As well meaning as he is, there is a need for him to find a way to stop seeing you as a patient and connect with your pregnancy, you and your baby - his wife and child.
Some people believe that morning sickness is directly related to anxiety, I wonder if some counseling, yoga or other natural therapy might benefit you and help you to find ways to enjoy your wonderful pregnancy. There is also a need for you to find ways to turn off part of your response to your husband's anxiety. Stress is highly contagious - acknowledge his fears, speak about them and then help him focus on all the positive aspects of your pregnancy. Try not to buy into the anxiety with checking, testing or other unnecessary fear based activities people get lured into during pregnancy.
There are a number of good birth preparation programs around that help couples find joy, calmness and confidence in themselves and their pregnancy, for example www.birthskills.com.au .
The fact is, you and your husband are already parents. And the stress that each of you is feeling is also being felt by your baby, increasing the chances of a special circumstance. The more calm you are, the less stress hormone your body produces, the calmer, safer and healthier your baby will be. Stress compromises your immune system, your sleep and other vital physiological process which are all essential to a healthy, normal pregnancy.
I would also suggest that you find a good obstetrician or private midwife to work with, someone your husband can communicate with and trust to allow him the opportunity to be a dad - not a midwife.
Every woman, every baby, every pregnancy is unique. There is no possible way that anything that your husband has experienced at work can have an effect on your body or your baby and to think otherwise would be highly superstitious. You might like to imagine an invisible wall or barrier that goes up around you, a protective bubble that separates you and your baby from what goes on at your husband's work. Tell him that you are going to imagine the bubble every time he tells you a story about something bad - something that isn't helpful to you in your efforts to enjoy your pregnancy and stay calm and focused on keeping yourself and your baby healthy.
One last thing - examine your expectations of your husband - are you asking him (even indirectly) to be husband, dad, midwife, support person etc etc or are you allowing him to focus on being husband and dad? Be mindful of the questions you ask him and the types of response you expect from him.
I hope you find a quiet place to connect with your baby and get your pregnancy back on track to get the most out of this very special time.
Best wishes
Shari :hugs:
ps tell the world about your pregnancy and give your friends and family the opportunity to help you enjoy your pregnancy - stress is contagious but so is joy! You will be surprised how reassuring some people will be when you tell them how scared you and your husband have been.

[Oriental Lilley]

Thank you Shari, your suggestions and ideas are much appreciated.

I spoke to my gp this week and they referred me to the psychologist at the perinatal services at my hospital and I had my first appointment yesterday. They recognised the same concerns as you and we have an appointment next week for my husband to attend with me. They also work with my obstetrician and gp to provide holistic primary health care.

I would love to attend some classes similar to birthskills website but with only one income we are not flushed, but will look into it further in my area.

I didn't realise what expectations I had of my husband, but you are right and I was asking questions of my husband as a midwife. I will be mindful of that in future and focus on him as being my husband and dad.

Just allowing myself to get this all out in the open has been a wonderful release and I'm looking forward to working towards having happy days all the time.

I also start prenatal yoga classes next week. :thumbsup:

Thanks so much for your time. Having this online service is a great help. :angel:

kind regards,
Oriental Lilley

PS - moderators, please don't delete this thread as I would like to show my husband and be able to refer back to it when I need a reminder.