Did I do the right thing?

[SassyMummy]

My best friend is getting married in December, and I'm set to be a bridesmaid, and DD is going to be a flowergirl. Or was.

Originally, Graham (was my partner then), Chanel (DD) and myself were all invited. That worked out well - it meant DP could dress Chanel, and get her prepared for it all, while I got dressed, had my hair and make-up done, and generally did bridesmaid-ish tasks (I know my best friend is going to be a bit of a freaking-out bridezilla on the day, and being her closest friend, I know it'll be up to ME to fix everything...lol).

Anyway, so now Graham and I have split, and so he's obviously not coming to the wedding.

I figured this might leave me and "and Friend/Guest/Partner" spot free... since a place had already been made for Graham. I didn't want to jump the gun though, and so I asked.

No, apparently, it would now just be Chanel and I.

I was okay with that when she first told me, but later on, I kept thinking about it... how would I be able to be both mother and bridesmaid at once? There's no way I could wrangle Chanel and get ready, and get her ready, and stand up the front at the ceremony while Chanel was expected to sit still in a chair by herself... what if she ran off? Some random stranger is supposed to chase after her? I couldn't rely on other people that I don't know to do it - I wouldn't trust them to do a good job, nor should they HAVE to do it.

So I told the best friend... and she just casually tells me that there'll be plenty of people there who can look after her.

MAYBE during the ceremony. MAYBE during the reception. But honestly... what about the morning of?

So I told her that I didn't feel confident being both mother and bridesmaid, so I told her I'd feel better if Chanel wasn't in the bridal party at all, so I could leave her with someone on that day, and actually go and be a bridesmaid AND enjoy myself (I mean honestly, how can you enjoy yourself at a reception when you've got a 3-year-old whinging at you?).

I think she was a bit annoyed... but at the same time, I was a bit annoyed that she just expected me to be able to juggle all of those duties at once. Also, selfishly, I was a bit annoyed that she didn't leave me room for an "and guest" when every other single person invited did, and all those with partners (whether she knew them or not) were invited... especially since we're best friends, and I pretty much NEEDED someone there to deal with Chanel for me (I would have probably invited my mother).

So do you think I did the right thing by rejecting the role of flowergirl for Chanel? She's been a flower girl twice before, and all she pretty much does is walk down the aisle (IF she decides to, mind you...lol), in a pretty, expensive dress (which ends up completely destroyed by the night's end) and then just whinges/eats/makes lots of noise/gets into mischief, etc etc... during the reception... which isn't too bad if it's a family wedding where people know you, and are happy to entertain her for a short while...

It'll make everything much easier for me, but I still feel a bit mean.

[Nates_Mumma]

No i think it is fair Stacey...

If you can't take someone else to help you out then its only fair that u ask if you can leave her out..

Lol.. Would she prefer you to not be a BM and have Chanel as the FG still?

I doubt it... She needs to be more accomodating...!

[missjane2005]

:iagree: plus while ur kid free u can have a good time urself and DD will be with someone u trust to look after her.

[Mum2Bug]

I think you did the right thing as well. You can not be expected to be in a million places at once, trying to keep everything under control, especially when you would be running around after Chanel and your friend needs you to be there doing stuff for her at the same time.

I have to admit though, I would also be annoyed at the fact that she isnt leaving a seat for someone to accompany you either to look after Chanel or even as your date (The wedding is months away, you would still have time to meet someone and would want your partner there with you).

You have made the best decision given the circumstances so I think your friend will just have to accept it, and you go and enjoy yourself at the wedding.

[Jenko]

You did the right thing. There is no way you could be do both and it's not fair to ask you to. As you said Chanel being a flower girl isn't really that a big a deal. Your job is more important.

Good on you for speaking up about it and not just trying to juggle it all and stress yourself out.

It's a bit rude of your friend not letting her bridesmaid invite a partner at all. I think your right about the Bridezilla...Good Luck Stace! :laughing:

[Harlequin]

Nope, good on you.

I think it was rude of her to remove the 'partner/friend' from your invite!

[Rachael]

Could you ask your friend to let your mother or someone else you trust come with you so they can help out with Chanel?

If I was the bride I would be upset if my flowergirl was not going to happen. Very cute having a flowergirl..wish I had of had one :(

[Seekrit]

I'm a BM and Chris is Best Man at a friend's wedding, I was very forward in saying that I hope Cobey WON'T be a page boy and have already made babysitting arrangments... there was no way we could do all 3 (she wasn't going to expect that of us either, but I wanted to make sure she knew where I stood right away) so I understand....
and I also understand why she doesn't want someone else at her wedding... that's fair enough... but it's not like you're just inviting some random because you want to have someone to talk to, you know?

[CharlisMummy]

I think you did the right thing, it would just be too hard for you.

Maybe if you told her you would be bringing your mother as your 'guest' and not some guy that she doesn't know or something. She might be more comfortable with that?

Its not like its last minute or anything either...I added extra people to our guest list one week before our wedding!

[bAaM]

Could you ask your friend to let your mother or someone else you trust come with you so they can help out with Chanel?

If I was the bride I would be upset if my flowergirl was not going to happen. Very cute having a flowergirl..wish I had of had one :(


:iagree: Maybe just say u would love Chanel to be a FG but just can juggle that and being a BM all at once and could u ask ur mum to come along to help u out.

[Me]

I think you've done exactly the same thing that I would do if I were in your position. She may be annoyed now that Chanel is no longer a flowergirl, but imagine/point out to her how annoyed she'd be if Chanel ran off during the ceremony and you had to run off after her or if whilst getting ready she spilt something on someones dress when no-one was looking(this is definately something my DD would do!).

I agree with your decision, but as a mother, you shouldn't second guess yourself.

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for all replies. Glad that everyone understands!


Could you ask your friend to let your mother or someone else you trust come with you so they can help out with Chanel?


I have already asked that. I asked if my mother could come instead, because I'd need someone to watch Chanel. I think she just thought I wanted to get drunk at hte reception or whatever, so later on (a while later) I told her how hard it will be to be a Mum AND a bridesmaid, and that's why I needed someone there. I've been best friends with her since we were like, in grade 8 (so about 9 years), so she knows my mother fairly well anyway. I wouldn't expect an invite for my mother, but you know... I kinda need someone there to look after Chanel. I wouldn't want an "and guest" if I wasn't a bridesmaid. :)

She can still have a flowergirl... just not Chanel. She has plenty of other little girls to choose from, and i was honoured that she chose Chanel... but I just can't do it... not all on my own.

[V8]

I don't understand your friends problem with you having your mother there. But anywho, what if you just have your mum there to help with Chanel when you are busy getting hair/makeup etc and for the ceremony, but after the ceremony and some pics are taken get your mum to take her home and you just go on to the reception by yourself. That way your mum is just at the ceremony which usually don't have to cater for any number of people and she's not costing them any money by being at the reception either. I think that would be reasonable for both of you guys so she can have you and Chanel there but you also get the support of your mum.

[Allegra]

Could your Mum just come to the ceremony to look after your DD, then take her home and you can enjoy the reception bubs free? Best of both worlds then - your friend has a flower girl and not an extra person at the reception.

opps just read the above post -

[SassyMummy]

That's a good idea - I might ask about that...

It's a few hours drive away though, so not sure Mum would want to make 2 trips in one day...

[susmamma]

i think it's people without kids that have no idea what looking after kids involves that make silly/daft/ridiculous decisions for people with kids.
i would never leave ella (who is 3) on her own at a wedding whilst i was a bm. she'd go mental. and i wouldnt expect someone else to look after her. there's no way you can be mother and bm without some help. so i think the brides options are
1. you are bm and dd stays at home
2. you and dd are both guests only
3. dd is flower girl only and you can kid wrangle her after she's walked down the isle and maybe help coach her down the isle
4. you get xdp to come as guest as originally stated (maybe if you two are getting along you can both go out and have a nice night at the wedding as 'friends') and then dd can be flowergirl as originally suggested.
5. you take a 'helper' (in form of your mother or a chosen friend) to come to ceremony who knows dd and will look after her.


not that this really helps but we had a similar situation with my bridzilla sister,...

dd2 was just born and would be 4 weeks old at the weeding. i was exclusively breastfeeding her.

my sister calls up and tells me (i was maid of honour) that the wedding morning will start at 9am and will go until midday (hair makeup etc). she said it will be very hectic so she didnt want any babies or toddlers there. so could i please get dd1 (2yrs old at the time) and dd2 (4 weeks old) looked after by DH so they dont get in the way.
ok i start ticking the time off my fingers, could probably manage 3 hours and then get home to bf dd2 (we werent even at home, we were interstate and so the kids were in unfamiliar surroundings etc).
then she says we have lunch until 2pm straight after hair and make up - also no kids to go to the lunch. ok so now i'm looking at 5-6 hours without seeing dd2.
she tells me the children are allowed at the church but are not to come to the dinner reception afterwards.
which means in total of one day i'd see my 4 week old for an hour (during the wedding service at the church) and i was breastfeeding!

when i brought that little point up my brizilla sister said "just express".
to express every meal (every 3 hours) for a whole day and night i'd have needed to start expressing from the day she was born. not to mention how to carry the expressed milk on a plane to take interestate without it going off?
and after a whole day of bottle feeds who knows if she'd take the boob again? and what mother leaves her 4 week old baby all day and all night?
not to mention my own boobs that would need to be expressed after not using them all day and all night.
when i mention this to my sister she tells me i'm being selfish and that it's her wedding and she'll do it HER way.

hmmmm...

well i told her i couldnt be maid of honour and be expected to be apart from my newborn all day and night.

she had a meltdown that i was making it all about me, stealing the show bla bla... omg total psycho.

but this is how people without kids are. they have no idea.

anyway long story short i wasnt maid of honour and she picked her sil instead.
and we left the reception early to go home to our baby.,

now she has her first baby (who as i type this is probably 4 weeks old) and it couldnt happen to a nicer couple. i still hope this kids keeps them awake day and night and causes them hell.
:D
and dh keeps saying we should invite them to sydney and ask them to keep their 4 week old ds at home, or to put him in the cup'd for 8 hours so we can have a nice dinnerparty without the noise of a newborn. :laughing:

[Carla84]

this is the exact reason i decided no kids at the wedding. kids were welcome at the ceremony if the parents wished but not at the reception. its too hard to expect friends to watch their kids (and some dont bother) My sister nd i had an arguement in the early parts of the wedding because i wouldnt let my nephews come. i love them like my own but my sister was my MOH and i wanted her all to myself and i knew she would enjoy a kid free night. AND 3 boys all under the age of 6 (shudders)
Long story short, you did the right thing and in the end she will see sense.
you sound like a great mate with a big heart

[Ashleigh<3]

I totally agree with you. What the hell, 'there will be plenty of people there to look after her'.
Yeah, plenty of strangers, plenty of people your daughter might not feel comfortable with.

She should have kept your 'guest' spot open, I mean it's not like she would of had to go to too much trouble, you only broke up with Graham recently, did she seriously rush through her guest books and cross him out?- I agree with you completely, If I was in your position, I'd of at least liked to be able to bring my Mother so she could mind my DD while I play bridesmaid.

I'm sure Chanel is a perfectly lovable child but kids are unpredictable, she may start feeling uncomfortable during the reception and she might run to you and then how would the bride feel about that?

Sounds like the bride is just too busy to look at the reality of it all.

I too would keep my DD with a babysitter or family member because I wouldn't want to be held responsible for disrupting a wedding and brides can turn into bridezilla's at the snap of a finger.

I think you're doing the right thing.

Enjoy yourself at the wedding! :)

[Ashleigh<3]

Could your Mum just come to the ceremony to look after your DD, then take her home and you can enjoy the reception bubs free? Best of both worlds then - your friend has a flower girl and not an extra person at the reception.

opps just read the above post -

This is similar to what we did at a friends wedding a year ago.

My DF was part of the groom party and I didn't want to have DD there crying and getting all fussy, I didn't want to ruin the bride/grooms day.

I know it's natural for babies to cry but it was the bride and grooms special day and there was no need for a baby to be there to disrupt the ceremony.

MIL just dropped DD off at the reception and everyone was so pleased to see her and the whole 'silence' thing was not an issue because it was a reception, everyone was talking so I wasn't worried if she made a small peep, just as others were not worried.

The atmosphere of a reception is a little different to when saying your vows. :)

[MilkOnTap]

now she has her first baby (who as i type this is probably 4 weeks old) and it couldnt happen to a nicer couple. i still hope this kids keeps them awake day and night and causes them hell.
:D
and dh keeps saying we should invite them to sydney and ask them to keep their 4 week old ds at home, or to put him in the cup'd for 8 hours so we can have a nice dinnerparty without the noise of a newborn. :laughing:

LMAO!!! Oh god you HAVE to do this!!! :laughing:

[SilverStarfish]

Wow, Sassymummy. What a pickle! I think you've handled the situation really well - under the circumstances. I really don't understand why your friend won't let you bring a friend along. Sounds a bit petty on her part. :thumbsdown: - Esp after you explained WHY you needed a helper for Chanel.

[Mamalicious]

Nope, good on you.

I think it was rude of her to remove the 'partner/friend' from your invite!

:iagree: