When does it get easier??

[BelindaBB]

I am a first time mum to a 5 week old. I have a new found respect for mothers and all the hard work involved in being a mum.

After speaking with my mum friends I have found that all first time mums like myself have to deal with living on minimal sleep whilst trying to learn about their babies needs, breast feeding, settling, baby not sleeping etc etc.

I am in tears almost daily which I believe is quite normal and while some days are better than others it is still the most difficult job I have ever done.

My DP is asking "When should we try for our next?" and I am thinking "How could I cope with a newborn and a 2 year old?"

So my question to experienced mums is "When does it get easier and when do will my teary sessions end?".

Would love to hear your responses.

Belinda:crying:

[fee's]

I am by no means and expereinced mum, one 9 1/2 mth old bub and am learning every day. but I found things got a bit easier around the 3mth mark. I don't know if you are feeling more confident by then because it isn't as 'new' anymore or if bub starts to fall into some real routines by then.
I still have days where I think agrhhh when does this get easier but when they start interacting with you and themselves better you start to get tangable rewards for all your hard work and sleepless nights.
Some one said to me at the 6 or 7 week mark, this is the hardest part, but in a few weeks you start getting some real affection back from them and it makes everything worthwhile. and it does.
If you aren't normally teary often and you are feeling really blue, perhaps you should speak to your GP just to make sure you are on top of everything. :hugs: to you. tomorrow is another day.

[the_queen]

It gets easier when you feel more confident in your mothering skills. The way to feel more confident is to trust your mumma instincts.

It's difficult in different ways when the child is 2, different again when child is 4, and that's where my experience ends LOL but I'm sure it's different again with each and every age and stage.

[elissas]

About the 10-12 week mark things start to settle. Well they did for me.

The best thing I did was to every day forget how little sleep I had the night before. Just pretended that I was running on a full tank. You'll find that if you just take each day and each moment as it comes without dwelling on the previous ones, you'll feel a lot better.

That said, I'm lucky in that I've always needed less sleep - I'm used to living on 4-5hrs a night and have since I was about 20.

[mysonroger]

oh belinda, you poor thing. you know what, it is hard the first time because its a shock to your body with sleep deprivation as well as breast feeding draining your energy levels and the chaos of hormones trying to level themselves out. then throw a baby into the mix, and a husband who tries, but doesn't always get it right, and you got a teary flood on your hands. then you also have advice coming out of your ears, some welcome, some not. i have been there. it took me ages to get over the lack of sleep. i used to sit there and fantasise about being really wealthy and affording nannies who took care of the baby while i slept.

it does get easier, and you may start to notice it as some point in the near future. everyone kept talking about a complete turn around at the 6 week mark...it didn't happen for me, but gradually it got better.
what makes it better is:
getting to know your baby...and understanding their tired signs. i couldn't recognise my baby's tired signs for quite a while, so i used to swaddle him and put him down according to the clock (ie newborns get tired after about 45 mins - 1 hr). through doing this i eventually recognise them for myself.

accepting help whenever its offered. if someone comes around, let them hold the baby, or ask a family member to come around so you can have a lie down, or even better, go for a coffee (decaf as it might afftect the baby)and choc cake. you'll be amazed at the difference in how you feel when you get back.

read (if you're not too tired) about babies and why they cry. the sooner you can address their needs, the sooner you take charge.

when baby is crying and you're about to give up, put them in a pram aand go for a walk. you kind of feel like you're on your own when you do this, but still looking after bub at the smae time.

the best advice a friend gave me is cry whenever you want. it is ok to cry ( i feel like crying saying this). cry your eyes out and get it out. soon as my friend said that to me, i bawled my eyes out.

the best advice i can give you is to accept that you're going to be tired (not for ever) and don't fight it, and don't stress about it. then it becomes harder to sleep. its a state of mind that you can control once you accept it.


tune out when DH talks about No. 2 (go 'la la la' in your head or when my husband says something i don't want to hear, i do it to his face with my ears covered...la la la i can't hear you...probably the most immature 37 year old on the planet).

oh yeah, and if my baby cried and cried and i couldn't figure out what it was, i used to put her in the cot and go in the yard for a quick cuppa, or play with my son. then go back having had a much needed 10 min break . this is ok, and don't let anyone tell you that its not. if you can't bare 10 mins, then 5.

i have more advice but long emails are hard to take in.
if you want , you can send me a private message, i will give you my phone number (I live in brisbane.....) and you can ring me and cry to me. i might cry too, but hey...that's ok.
let me know how you get on

[Briannabear]

Hi Belinda. What you are feeling is very normal. Having a baby is such a huge adjustment emotionally, financially, and physically.
Trust me - it does get better! I know at the moment its hard to see that.
To be really honest I felt very adjusted and comfortable with my daily routines for Brianna about when she turned 6 months.

[fee's]

oh yeah, and if my baby cried and cried and i couldn't figure out what it was, i used to put her in the cot and go in the yard for a quick cuppa, or play with my son. then go back having had a much needed 10 min break . this is ok, and don't let anyone tell you that its not. if you can't bare 10 mins, then 5.


Couldn't agree more.:thumbsup: sometimes I would use his rocker the motion distracted him after a while. Somehow it gives you an extra level of calm to get you through until daddy or someone else comes home to share the load. Sometimes bub cried himself to sleep this way other times I just got to recharge.

[Funkychicken]

You are so spot on Mysonroger. You have just described my first journeey into parenthood. Belinda, you sound like you are really with it. You may not feel like you are but the very fact you are asking questions shows that you are doing the best mummy job you can. Hang in there hon, it will get better.
A few milestone moments for me were four months and then six months.
At six months I went to visist a friend and her newborn and all i could think was thank goodness I am past that. That showed me how far we had come. And Ihave been back for two more so again, it's all about the mummy love.:hugs:

[mysonroger]

oh my God, i thought i was going to get an absolute roasting for saying leave baby in cot................for the first time, i feel a part of this community

[fee's]

oh my God, i thought i was going to get an absolute roasting for saying leave baby in cot................for the first time, i feel a part of this community
I know what you mean. I always feel like such a 'hard hearted' person when I read all the threads where people talk about never leaving their little ones to cry. I've always tried to remember - babies cry - thats how they communiate, it's not like I ignore a crying baby but I believe there are times when they are just gonna cry, there is no point tearing your hair out, then you both just end up overwrought and that is no good either.

[Mum&bubs]

I am not experienced at all as I am still learning myself. I personally think it gets easier when bubs can start doing things for herself eg. when she can move around on the floor or start to crawl . My daughter was never settled when she was younger and she would constantly scream and i would feel like i was going to rip my hair out and i too had my daily crying sessions but once she got to a few months she started to explore things for herself and know how to entertain herself & I would only hear from her once she was hungry or sleepy otherwise she was busy playing lol :smiliedance: dont worry it will get easier soon enough :D Chin up!

[mysonroger]

and you know what else, i (sort of) started to miss that terrible TV in the middle of the night when i didn't have to get up and feed any more. again, once i accepted how **** it was, i started to enjoy it for what it was. cheesy ****e put there for people like us who needed a laugh. those people in tv land just might know what they're doing.
and then ...get a load of this......a group of us mothers wen t out one night and started confessing to things they have ordered from those late night info ads......i myself was raving about Proactiv Skin care, and i hadn't even bought it. How bad is that.....

[mysonroger]

fee's; I agree.
it's about managing everything, that includes the mother's wellbeing. a mother's wellbeing is essential for a happy baby.

[lukaelmo]

I had a hard time for the first few weeks after bubs was born too. When I look back at photos of then, I look at me and see how terrible I looked! I felt awful too, just generally awful. I think it took me a good 3 months to start feeling human again.

Be gentle with yourself. Your body spends 9 months hormoning itself to the hilt, and then they just all desert you in a big whoosh. It is a big shock to the system.

[SuperWoman]

Belinda, like the girls have said what you are feeling is so normal!! You sound like a great mummy who loves her baby so much and by the sounds of things you are doing a great job,:hugs: !!! I found it got easier around the 10 week mark when my DS started to sleep through the night, and he was in a proper routine. The lack of sleep is a killer, I think thats what shocked me the most!!! When your DH comes home try to have a little break for yourself. I find having a shower when he is home the best cause I just stand in there for half an hour enjoying the peace and quiet!!!

It will get easier for you!!!!:hugs: :hugs:

[PinkBinkie]

Hi Belinda
I think all mums would be able to relate to how you are feeling. When Lucy was 3 weeks I'd look at the 6 week old bubs, and that small amount of time seemed like forever away! Time seems to go so slow in those first 3 mths and now Lucy is 9mths old and I wonder where that time has gone! For me, things started to get easier when Lucy was 3 mths old and started sleeping through the night.

I used to think I couldn't possibly have another baby as everything I had to give I gave to Lucy so surely I didn't have anything left to give to another baby? Now we're trying for bub #2!

I used to think I'd never be on time again, for appointments or anything!

I used to think that I'd never be able to give Lucy a bath without feeling worried about dropping her!

I used to think I'd never be able to watch a movie or go on the internet without interruption!

But life soon goes back to normal and you'll wonder how you ever lived without your baby.

All the best Belinda. You're doing great!!

[elissas]

Hi Belinda,

I'm sorry I didn't mention these before, but these are a few things that I found invaluable.

- My Sling - baby wearing is now proven to reduce crying generally in babies and help them to settle. Most babies will fall asleep happily in the sling. I don't make a big habit of using it to get DS to sleep (it's more of a preventative tool), but there are days where I've popped him in the sling, he's been peacefully asleep in minutes, and I still have 2 spare hands to do the laundry, tidy the house, get dinner ready, sit at the pc and chat ;) You'll save time and sanity, and wearing your bub is a beautiful feeling that you'll hold dear for the rest of your life. The best slings are the fabric ones (though the structured carriers work too).

- The Cuddle Theory - sometimes babies cry as an emotional outlet. They feel emotions and this is how they communicate them. If DS is crying due to tiredness or just being emotional, I hold him, but accept and encourage him to express his feelings. The feelings don't go away, whether they cry or not. Accepting them and teaching your bub that emotional release is encouraged is very healthy and you'll find that your sanity and energy are saved. Fighting and resisting is the most draining part of motherhood for me. So I try not to do it. They feed off what we're feeling, and if we're feeling frustrated and even in our minds are pleading with them to calm down or go to sleep, it usually sets them off even more. I find a nice dim corner or sit in our rocker, and "smooch" with him while he gets it off his chest.

- Singing - are there any songs in particular that you sang while you were pg? If not, when bubs is settled and in that calm, half-sleepy state, pick a nice lullaby-type song and sing it over a few times. Do this for a few days. This will help establish bub's association with this song as being calming and soothing. Then in an unsettled state, hold bub and sing the song in a soft, almost whispering voice right up next to their ear. DS drops off in about 3mins! He loves "The Rainbow Connection", which I sang to him when I was pg.

These are the things that have helped me in a big way. Hope you can find them useful.

Good luck
Lis :hugs:

[red crayon]

i think it's all been said. it does it get easier slowly but surely. you get to know your baby better and the baby becomes more at ease with the world. if you need help, there are plenty of great books (babylove by robin barker is fab) or there are advice lines, health professionals, etc etc. have you got girlfriends that have had kids? ask them their advice. my girlfriends were so much help to me in the first year. find some time for yourself - if possible - i know it's not easy. it does get easier and the journey is amazing.

[elissas]

Also, if you'd like some reading, try Pinky McKay. She's fantastic and her solutions are practical and achievable.

She has a heap of books out, but if you do a search you'll find lots of her articles online as free reading.

She's actually speaking on the topic of settling in Kew, Melbourne, this Wednesday night at a free "Inspirational Parenting" Forum. DH and I are going.

I know your in country Vic, but it might be worth making the trek into the Big Smoke for it :) Not sure if there are any places available still, but if you're interested check out http://www.immaculatereception.com.au/free.htm and give them a buzz.

[Jules16]

I'm not claiuming to be experienced in any shape or form as I"m still trying for our first, but I do know that a friend got a lot of relief from reading a book called 'The Contented Little Baby'. I hope this helps. Good luck. It sounds like everyone has offered some great advice anyway.

[kids]

I think once your newborn starts to settle into a routine and lets you get decent amounts of sleep at night, thats when it gets easeir to cope with. ALthough having said that I find everyday is a challenge - being a parent is the hardest thing i have ever done and as there are no rule books, it doesnt get any easier. I just found that once I wasnt sleep deprived any more and was more confident in listening to my own instincts rather than listening to everyone else, thats when it improved. As for 2 kids - wellm, yep thats hard. Mine are 2 years apart and at times I wish they were further apart and at other times, i am glad they are close together

[mysonroger]

maybe a good pregnancy and breastfeeding multivitamin wouldn't go astray either. babies deplete your iron levels and that makes you tired. it can't hurt to take one.

[red crayon]

maybe a good pregnancy and breastfeeding multivitamin wouldn't go astray either. babies deplete your iron levels and that makes you tired. it can't hurt to take one.

good advice. you definitely need to look after yourself and eat properly.

[elissas]

Again, fantastic advice.

Remember to get lots of Omega-3s and Vitamin B's. Also drink tonnes of water - dehydration will make you more tired, and breastfeeding requires more fluids.

And you need to make sure your serotonin levels are up - so diet is important, but so is communicating and talking to people on an emotional level, which helps to increase serotonin (our feel-good hormone). Suprisingly, they've also found that chewing gum can also help to increase seratonin levels - anything that is repetitive in nature, such as gardening, cross stitch, chopping veggies. You need to regulate serotonin though - too little is associated with feeling down and increases cravings for sugar and junky foods, whereas too much can make you fatigued as it also assists with the sleep process. Stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline (which we often run on in the first couple of months), can interfere with our production of serotonin.

Make sure you get plenty of Vitamin B3 (Niacin), as Niacin uses the same chemicals as Seratonin. So if you're lacking in B3, your body will steal that chemical (tryptophan) away from Seratonin production. Tryptophan is found in turkey and milk (and lots of other things), but these two foods are a good start to introduce into your diet.

Look at B6 and Magnesium too. Low levels of these have been associated with feeling down and depressed, as they are required in order to produce Seratonin.

Maybe try some yoga or meditation too. You might not be getting much sleep, but yoga and meditation can be a fantastic subsitute. With some forms of meditation and bodywork, 1hr can actually be equal to 4 hours sleep! I try and do yoga or pilates or meditate when I'm really tired, I feel like I've just had a super nap when I've finished. And it only needs to be 20mins of it to feel better.

I could go on for ages about nutrition and stuff, but there's plenty of info on the net if you want to have a scout around. If you're interested in some links, pm me and I'll send you some.

:)

[mumof03]

As a mum of 3, the eldest being 13, my advice would be to take each day, one at a time. Don't think about tomorrow or yesterday, concentrate on today only. When bub has a sleep, you rest too. Forgot the housework for now. Just do what is necessary. eg washing bubs clothes. The rest can wait until you're feeling up to it. Or if possible, leave it for your partner to help out with.
You will feel so much better when you are refreshed and less stressed out when bubs cries. You will soon learn the difference between your babies cries, and will know exactly what the problem is when she cries.
Babies sense your mood. If you are stressed and upset, baby will be upset and unsettled too. Take a deep breath, and tell yourself "I can do this" The more you tell yourself this, the quicker you will start to believe it. If things get so bad you feel you can't cope, put baby into a pram and go for a walk. You will be amazed how relaxing this is for both of you.
Take it one day at a time. Once you relax, you will cope so much better.

[BelindaBB]

Thanks to everyone that replied to my thread and what an wonderfully overwhelming response. I am guessing that most mums out there know exactly how I am feeling.

I know that things will get better soon and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it is sooner rather than later.

My little Holly is a darling and I wouldn't give her up for the world.

So thanks again to you all for your stories, suggestions and advice and for listening to my whinging.

Hugs to all:hugs:

Belinda

[jessgray]

i found when my son was born it was a bit different. i had been waking at random hours during my pregnancy so i was used to the night time wake ups. my son came hoem from SCN at 12 days old. so for a few days i got catch up rest. i think it was around 8 weeks old he started getting a routine i could sort of predict by 3 months i knew when he would have a nap so i worked around that. now i wish he would have nap :laughing: :o i know how you feel i remember seeing other mums at the gp's office with older bubs and i was like how do they do it? i get up at 2am and 4am and here ia m at 9am looking liek death and they look like they stepped out of a catalouge.:laughing:

[jaimie]

Threre is just so much great advice here! The one thing that kept me sane was a long hot shower. When jazz cried and i didnt know what to do i would just get in the shower for 5 mins and because you can just tune out in ther it was the best thing. I also made sure I made myself look presentable in the morning , for me this meant clean clothes , brushed teeth hair tied back and a dab of make up. That way at least i felt like myself. :)