View Full Version : Does your partner get an exemption?
sistabelle
08-04-2008, 00:59
This is a first attempt at poll. Hoping it works.
My DH has just said something to me which has got me a bit peeved but got me thinking...
Does your partner automatically get an exemption from parenting duties during the night (if required) if your a SAHM or SAHD?
neostudded
08-04-2008, 01:10
Interesting question, and I can see both sides of the fence.
When I was with my ex I was the one who did all the night feeding and stuff but he helped me with other things.ie; Id feed bub though the night but if I needed a drink of water he would always get it, and on the odd occaison he would get up durring the night and help(our baby had colic & would often cry a high pitched cry for hours).
He studied for two days a week.
We never spoke about who would tend to the baby during the night it was just "my job", I didnt mind to much as he did other things to help with our son.:)
All relationships are so unique though.
sistabelle
08-04-2008, 01:25
Your right about relationships being unique!
With another baby coming soon we'd love our son to stay in his bed at night (new baby or not I'd love the bed to myself haha!) but when he comes in if DH stirs he mumbles "What are you doing tonight?" which I beleive is his translation for... do i have to move over or can I go back to sleep?
Just upset me because I've tried getting him back off & it takes so long, you have to repeat the whole process when your head hits the pillow & in the end it's just easier to let him jump in. DH has only once tried to put him back to bed during the night.
We need to talk & come up with a plan.
neostudded
08-04-2008, 01:41
Yeah I understand 100%
Really sounds like you need to talk with him, yes he is working but so are you.
Hopefully you's can work something out.:fingerscrossed: :goodvibes:
DH has been alone with DS enough times to know that a day with him is work. Therefore if we both work all day, it's only fair that we share the duties at night and on weekends.
michelle01
08-04-2008, 07:15
Hi:)
I'm going through the same thing, I appreciate that I am able to be a SAHM but I would like our weekends yo be shared.
i would be asking dh what is his plan when you are in hospital?? He has to step up and take control then so your child needs to realise that dad takes control aswell, or there will be fun and games at your house with you not there. I now there are some people on here who would say get the kid back to bed but if you dont mind having him in your room can you get a mattress and put it on the floor next to your bed and he can cleep on that, then he is in your room but not in your bed
The rule in our house is DH gets up to DD1 if she wakes (not very often these days...but if she's sick or whatever he will) and I get up to DD2...he can't do much with her anyway...she's EBF and I personally feel (that for our family) it's ridiculous to get him to get up and get the baby. I can cross the hall myself, no dramas.
But if I'm super tired he'll watch the kids of a weekend so I can have a nap (if they don't nap together) or he gets up to DD1 in the morning if I'm not already up and I get up when DD2 wakes up.
It's a system that works really well for us. DH does have a demanding job and works long hours so he needs his sleep but I also need enough to get through the day and have enough energy to entertain the kids and he appreciates that and will often send me to bed of a night and finish up what I was doing so that we stay on top of things and both get our sleep.
we share all parenting...
But, my DH is a truck driver, and works long and hard hours, so i do get up in the night cos i would rather him be refreshed for work, than tired and have an accident... however, he always gets up if i need/ask him too, and always gets up on weekend nights...
but i dont mind, cos i would rather him be safe at work :D
We share parenting duties 50%-50% when DH is home, no one is exempt from caring for our DD, its been this way since DD was born as DH stayed with me in hospy. If I fed during the night then DH would change her & re-settle her in her bassinette, worked well for us:yes:
At the moment I am preggie with #2 & am extremely tired so DH has been picking up the slack when he gets home from work, last night he bought home pasta for dinner as well bathing, dressing & putting DD to bed, did the dishes, laundry & fed the dogs all while I layed on the couch trying not to fall asleep, so I think I'm the one shirking my responsibilities at the moment :p
I hope that your DH soon realises how much goes into caring for a little one & cuts you some slack, some help can go a long way to making mummies very happy & it only has to be a small amount to make a huge difference :yes:
:hugs: to you.
Ciao,
Brooke.
CharlisMummy
08-04-2008, 13:35
In the early days I did all the night stuff, there was no point DH getting up because he couldn't feed her.
Now, if she wakes up before 4am DH will go and resettle her but if she wakes after 4 then I go in and BF her and put her back down.
The thing that p's me off though is DH always gets to sleep in on weekends. So I'm up 7 or earlier every day of the week but he sleeps til like 9 or 10 on the weekend!! When I say something he just says "but you can go back to bed when I get up" I don't want to sleep half the day away!!
So then it usually turns into one of those 'I work harder/ am more tired' etc etc arguments :rolleyes::laughing:
Mamalicious
08-04-2008, 13:36
He shouldn't, but he does. :rolleyes:
I think it's a load of rubbish that guys shouldn't help, equality, I say. :p
When DH told me he wasn't coming to the birth I told him "You helped get this baby in there, and you can be damn sure you're helping me get it out!"
After a year of training, he will occasionally get up at night, if I pretend I'm still sleeping :o but bubby doesn't cry he just shouts out to us after a while haha if he cried I wouldn't do that.
And he does get up to bubby some mornings, so that's good too. :) *cracks whip*
missie_mack
08-04-2008, 13:42
DH has been alone with DS enough times to know that a day with him is work. Therefore if we both work all day, it's only fair that we share the duties at night and on weekends.
Yeah we are the same. There are no casual or part time parents in this home :no: Dh is actually kind of brilliant with it all. Even when DS was a newborn Dh insisted on doing nightfeeds etc because he felt left out during the day. He trained himself to wake on the first sound so he could be up before I would hear DS as he thought I needed my sleep :goodvibes:
So exemption forms eh?? Maybe you find them in the same place you find divorce forms?? :devil6:
But seriously maybe you can take turns or do rock paper scissors?? A different parent can sometimes get a different outcome :yes: I know DS does lots of things for me he wont for DH and vice versa
tootiredtosleep
08-04-2008, 13:45
I am at home during the day, but work nights. DH used to think that this meant that I did nothing all day and should be able to get up as I could sleep during the day??? Not anymore.
He gets up during the night, as well as getting DD out of bed every morning. When she was a newborn I used to sneak into the lounge room to feed her, so DH could sleep. This time he will be getting up to both DD1 & DD2!
When he starts to do 50% of the housework consistently, then I may consider changing this, until then no way.
Harlequin
08-04-2008, 13:58
He shouldn't but he does.
I'm breastfeeding though, so when Ava wakes at night its cos she wants boob. He can't help with that.
As for the evening, well he's been trying to help more lately, but if I had my way he'd do more. He's lazy, he's the first to admit it. Personally I'd be happy if he did more around the house & garden even if it meant not helping with Ava as much.
He watches her for a little while during the evenings, problem is I don't get 'me time' - I use this time to catch up on the household chores.
He goes to work during the day.
I stay at home and work during the day.
The problem is, I'm still working until I go to sleep at night, and even then I'm woken constantly for boob. I don't get weekends off. I don't really get sick days.
If I had it my way, he'd take Ava for at least a few hours every day after work.
Easier said than done though ;)
He's not 100% to blame though, Ava is very much a mama's girl and doesn't put up with Daddy for very long. Though sometimes I think if men tried a little harder, they could amuse even the clingiest babies for much longer.
Oh well.
I think I waffled.
:no: My EX partner decided to make himself exempt from all night time parenting.
Even when he was on holidays.
Even when I was going to bed at 5 am and getting up at 7 am.
Even when I was sick.
Even when I was getting woken up every 20 minutes.
Even when I went into hospital.
He didn't get up to DS at night at all. Not once.
Well I do get the night duty but mostly because DS is still breastfed and it's the easiest way to get him back to sleep when he wakes.
DH thinks it's time to cut out the night feeds (I don't disagree!) until I point out that to do this we probably need to send him in there to resettle DS because as soon as I go in he only wants one thing. So operation 'no night feeding' keeps getting postponed :laughing:
But he does get up when DS wakes in the morning so I can have a little sleep in until he has to leave for work. And in the early days he offered to do his share of night duties if I prepared some EBM but I was to lazy to express so no one to blame but myself!
mummajuice
08-04-2008, 14:28
we share all parenting...
But, my DH is a truck driver, and works long and hard hours, so i do get up in the night cos i would rather him be refreshed for work, than tired and have an accident... however, he always gets up if i need/ask him too, and always gets up on weekend nights...
but i dont mind, cos i would rather him be safe at work :D
Total agreement on that one. My DH works shifts, has ridiculously short breaks between shifts and often has to travel great distances on commencement of his shift. I make sure that the girls stay quiet when he's asleep and if they do stir then I get up to them as fast as I can. I'd much rather be tired at home than have him being (more) tired on the road at 3am behind the wheel of a fully laden MR truck.
BUT
At the moment he is on 3 weeks of full-time study, so rules are changed. Normally with DD1 if she wakes up she will ask for whoever she wants and that person responds (this rarely happens though, she's a great sleeper). DD2 we take turns each night, or if one of us is tired the other will do it all. It's all about give & take really.
DH and I talked about this before any bubs arrived, I was a stay at home mum,(have only just gone back to work)
I said that seems he goes to work, (DH works a long drive away, and very physical job)
Sunday -thursday, I will get up through the night, friday night I want to sleep all night and DH got up all that night and saturday night we seemed to share,
But having said that we had set days, if I woke him and said Im really tired, can you get up, he did,
Our girls dont wake up at night now, only once in a while, so we dont have set anything,
I say HELL NO!!
Dh is awesome though... he knows that handling the boys all day when I've been up all night with Gabs is just too hard, so If he's got work or uni the next day, he'll get up with Gabs throughout the night if he wakes, and he'll get up with the boys in the morning...
He figures he can bludge at work, but there is NO REST at home for me....
If it's a kindy day the next day I get up.
sistabelle
08-04-2008, 16:37
Wow! Thanks for the insight. Lots of good ideas there. Makes me realise we should actually talk to each other more :o
I just brought it up with DH & I think we'll work out times like if it's before 2am he'll go & if it's after I'll go BUT it wasn't before he said but I have to go to work :hair: I'd love a day in your shoes buddy!
Well not long before I go into hosp for a c-sec/holiday & he can do everything around here all whilst being entertaining, patient, kind & nuturing with eyes falling outta his head :laughing:
Anyway whatever we set up now will change when bubs arrives & no way is he going to weasel his way out of night duties :D
My DH and I share MOST of the parenting ... but I do draw the line at night duty during the week ...
He has always had jobs driving/operating heavy machinery/forklift operation in a confined space etc and for his safety and others, I believe that he needs to get a good uninterrupted nights sleep. Most of the time I can grab a small nap in the daytime or put my feet up for a whlie.
He has agreed that he will do the bulk of the housework if we have a new baby/sick child/unsettled child so that I can get a daytime rest ... he says it's only fair that I get a rest too and if he can do a bit extra when he gets home at night, then that is how he will help.
He has also happily relaxed his standards since I convinced him that a happy childhood was much more important than a spotless home. He spends time playing with the kids, is considerate about keeping them occupied if I am cooking, showering etc and loves putting them to bed with a couple of stories at night.
I think for his jobs, our lifestyle works for us. He is the main breadwinner and if he has an accident, not only will we lose income, but he could be badly injured or even killed, so I would rather be a bit more tired for a bit longer, than be without him.
btw ... he only agreed to this arrangement after much discussion before DD1 was born - he was willing to share all care as much as possible ...
Wow! Thanks for the insight. Lots of good ideas there. Makes me realise we should actually talk to each other more :o
I just brought it up with DH & I think we'll work out times like if it's before 2am he'll go & if it's after I'll go BUT it wasn't before he said but I have to go to work :hair: I'd love a day in your shoes buddy!
Well not long before I go into hosp for a c-sec/holiday & he can do everything around here all whilst being entertaining, patient, kind & nuturing with eyes falling outta his head :laughing:
Anyway whatever we set up now will change when bubs arrives & no way is he going to weasel his way out of night duties :D
Good luck! you need to talk about this now...cause after your new baby is here and you're tired you guys won't talk, you'll just argue and he'll probably end up with his back against the wlal refusing to budge.
If he isn't prepared to get up of a night maybe you can compromise with other things? DD1 was not good at settling of a night so I'd go to bed after her last feed (7-8pm) and he'd stay up with her until she went to sleep (10-11pm) so I already had a couple of hours sleep before my night started and he wasn't going to bed any later than he normaly did anyway. Or maybe he can help out with housework more so that you can get a rest during the day?
Hope you can find a solution that is going to work for your family and keep everyone (mostly) happy!
Yes he does only because DD sleeps in my room in her cot and he sleeps in another room. On nights when DD is sick and crying in the middle of th enight he still won't get up and help, he insists he can't hear a thing! Yeah right!
SassyMummy
10-04-2008, 11:57
Pretty much.
I selected the 2nd option though, because the first made me sound as if I LOVE doing it, and as though I think I SHOULD do it. It just tended to end up that way. I did everything DD-related.
Annoying... but now I'm single and have to by default anyway. lol.
the dargonfly faery
10-04-2008, 12:18
we share all parenting... except the night feeds as he is a delivery driver and needs a good night sleep.
On weekends he will do the 11.00pm feed as he is usually still up, df cooks everynight while i bath and feed. On weekends he gives me a break and does most of the day feeds and puts the washing out if and anything else i ask him to do. He is a very hands on dad, and i enjoy that. The way we work works for us too. He enjoys spending time playing with her also.
Ange&Seth
10-04-2008, 12:58
I chose the second option. Basically if he has to work the next day then he's exempt, UNLESS I've tried everything and am at my wits end.
our little treasures
10-04-2008, 13:04
Hell no!! Dh gets up most nights. Last night was a shoker with both of us up most the night. DH and I both made the decision to have children and DH actually doesn't mind as he knows if I have sleep the entire house is better off! :devil:
:no: My EX partner decided to make himself exempt from all night time parenting.
Even when he was on holidays.
Even when I was going to bed at 5 am and getting up at 7 am.
Even when I was sick.
Even when I was getting woken up every 20 minutes.
Even when I went into hospital.
He didn't get up to DS at night at all. Not once.
Which probably explains the EX before his title? :laughing:
We have a 'thing' where i'll get up (dont have to now though) but if i've been up a few times and he has managed to sleep through all the commotion i will swiftly and sharply give his shin a kick in bed- thats his cue to drag his *** out of bed to tend to whichever child is up.
I chose No.its usually 50-50 here. The only exemption I give him is the nights before he goes to work,but he is a shift worker and only does 2days,2nights in a rotation. So for 2 nights when he is home I do it, then he has 2 nights where he is at work so i have to do it. If DS wakes on the nights that he is off work he will get up,but DS usually wants me anyway,so i usually just tell him not to worry about it. If he gets to sleep in one morning he will let me sleep in the next. When he is home he HAS to bath and do the bedtime thing,reading the books etc. and i actually put Ds into bed. Hubby gets a bit upset if he is home and DS wants me to read to him cos that is "their thing!!" I dont mind at all.
Infact he had a go at his mum when ds was about 7 months old. He told her i was going somewhere for a few hours and her reply was "oh are you Babysitting blake then?"
his reply was classic, he shot her a dirty look and goes "it is just as much my job as it is Shandi's to care for OUR child,if she wants to get a break she can!"
I was so proud of him and MIL has always been very mindful ever since!!
WorkingClassMum
10-04-2008, 14:47
MOTH and I have both always worked full time with both kids - and he has rarely ever done any night duties
He works on industrial/commercial building work sites with heavy machinery and I have always believed that he needed his sleep so that he came home alive each night.
~mia&ryan~
10-04-2008, 15:01
DH always has gotten up with DD if needed. In the beginning we would take turns so we both got good amounts of sleep. Now she rarely wakes but when she does its just whoever hears her first. Unless she is sick, in which case we split the shifts!
I would be happy for him to sleep through, but he want to get up to her. He has always loved resettling her, and she loves it too.:goodvibes:
mischief79
10-04-2008, 15:04
DH (when I was still with him) pretty much assumed it was my job to get up in the night, even on weekends. He figured that he was at work all week (fair enough on week nights, I wasn't concerned about that) so he deserved some extra sleep on the weekends. Umm, helllooooo..... I don't get weekends off, I don't get to 'knock off' at 5pm (or whenever) during the week. I'm working 24/7!! The one night he said that he'd get up in the night to give her an EBM bottle, she slept through until 5.30am and then I had to get up anyway cos my boobs were leaking.
In my opinion, week nights are fine for me to do on my own, but weekends are for sharing everything 50-50
chicky2lala
10-04-2008, 15:09
DH (when I was still with him) pretty much assumed it was my job to get up in the night, even on weekends. He figured that he was at work all week (fair enough on week nights, I wasn't concerned about that) so he deserved some extra sleep on the weekends. Umm, helllooooo..... I don't get weekends off, I don't get to 'knock off' at 5pm (or whenever) during the week. I'm working 24/7!! The one night he said that he'd get up in the night to give her an EBM bottle, she slept through until 5.30am and then I had to get up anyway cos my boobs were leaking.
In my opinion, week nights are fine for me to do on my own, but weekends are for sharing everything 50-50
Same here and I agree.
Mine doesnt do a thing on the weekends, thinks its 'his time to relax after a hard weeks work'.:rolleyes: If i dare ask him to do anything it just ends up in a huge argument so i dont bother asking anymore. I just take the kids out n leave him to his own devices.
I chose 50/50 when we are both home, DF wants to do it when he is home cause its his daddy and kiddies time. And on sundays (he works most saturdays) he sleeps in till 8am and if i am still tired i go back to bed for a few hours when he gets up.
Mind u he works 12-13 hour days and i do all the cleaning washing and cooking cause he just wouldnt have the time, so he loves the one on one time with the kids when he gets home.
We are 50/50 here in this house. We both wanted a bub so one person shouldn't have to do all the work and let's face it, it's bloody hard work! It's tiring, relentless, thankless and sometimes even joyless.
DH gets to 'escape' (his words) to work during the week. Gets to sit on a bus for 2 hours (1 hour each way) per day and read his book, listen to music on his i-pod or even have a nap! Half his luck! I don't get the luxury of any of this - lucky if I get 30 mins break whilst DD has her daily nap....and that break is spent doing the freakin' laundry/washing up/cleaning/etc. :crying:
WE both take turns at getting up during the night and weekends are for both of us. That whole "but I've been at work all week" would never cut it with me. My DH would never try that one as he values his crown jewels too much! ha!:laughing:
squiglet
11-04-2008, 09:09
My dh will get week nights off as I will not let him drive or work tired. I don't whant him to be killed:no:
On the weekends or days that he is not working the next day he helps out. It's a team efort here:thumbsup:
Actully he is a really good dad. He will help me out even after a long day at work.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.1.9 Copyright © 2012 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.