Help needed...

[CrazySingleMama]

Hi. I'm new to this site and finally found a PND section :yelclap:

I'm a single mum. My daughter is almost two.

I had been thinking lately that my issues are due to her age, but just this weekend I've come to the conclusion that I probably have PND and have had it for quite a long while.

I know that I need to see a GP for correct diagnosis and treatment, but I am after a bit of advice before I go looking for a good GP to speak to.

I think my PND may have even been somewhat behind many of my issues in our marriage. We split mid last year, we had been fighting a lot and I needed more help with DD but XDH refused to help. I was also working five days a week and doing EVERYTHING with DD. She also had a lot of intolerance issues, which no doubt added to our stress.

I'm now thinking that I've probably had the PND since she was four months, maybe even a bit before :(

I don't think it's overly severe, but before XDH and I split, I was having HEAPS of suicidal thoughts - at the time, I put it down to being very unhappy in our marriage. Lately with the stress of constant tantrums and arguments with DD, not to mention stress of division of assets, divorce coming up etc, I've been having (fleeting) thoughts of suicide again. The only thing that will stop me from ever doing it is that I know that DD's Dad will never ever have a good relationship with her :(

I've been getting VERY snappy, even at DD. I don't like to yell at all, let alone TO her. I've been yelling at her quite a bit lately. People keep telling me that I've been feeling like I'm not coping because it's simply hard work being a single parent, let alone to a child going through the 'terrible twos'. I'm not so sure this is the reason at all. The people who've been saying this to me, don't even know 1/4 of what's really been going on. I feel like I have to 'keep up appearances' IYKWIM.

I have even smacked my beautiful baby. This is something I swore I'd NEVER EVER do, and it makes me so sad that I've done it. When I do it, it's never REALLY about what she's done/doing, it 100% due to me being overly frustrated, and not being able to cope. It's all on me.

I don't know if I'm even asking for advice, I don't want or need sympathy - that's not going to help me. Maybe I want opinions? I'm not sure.

If I tell the GP all of this ^^^ will they take my baby off me? Will it go against me in custody arrangements (I'm going for full custody until she's over 3)???

Well, if you managed to get this far thanks - and you need a gold medal! :D

[PinkBinkie]

I don't think it will go against you in gaining full custody of your daughter, I think it's a very positive step to seek advice and help from your GP. Much better than suffering in silence, especially when there's ppl out there who can help you. Sounds like you've been through alot lately, and you sound like a really strong mum. I know I too regret whenever I smack my daughter but sometimes it seems as nothing is getting through. The terrible two's are definetaly tough :hissy:
I hope all goes well with your GP and you find a way through this tough time.

[alphafemale2901]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

It would be a very irresponsible GP to recommend a child be taken from its mother because the mother has PND.

We all snap a times, and you're not talking about beating the cr@p out of your daughter, you're talking about a smack. I'm not saying smacking is either ok or not ok, I'm just trying to normalise you situation for you.

There is little chance that the court would remove your daughter from you and give custody to the father.

You really should reach out for some professional support because what you're feeling is not likely to improve without it. I was telling someone yesterday that about 15% of mothers experience PND. Its nothing to be ashamed of or frightened of. Suicidal thoughts are frightening and thank goodness you're reaching out to people on bubhub just to listen.

I suffer with PND and I know that there is a massive stigma attached to it. I went through feeling like I must not be cut out for mothering, that I'm a bad mother, an inadequate mother, a failure, blah blah blah.

Don't be afraid to seek some help. Just having the condition diagnosed can provide some relief. Don't be afraid of losing your daughter because of it. I'll be monkey's uncle if that were ever to happen.

If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Zandersmum]

Hi CarzySingleMama

I agree with PB I don't think talking with your GP about how you truly feel will go against you for custody of your daughter later on. You really do need to see your GP so they can refer you to a good psychologist who can help you further.

My DS is nearly 2.5 now but when he was about 4 months old I had PND pretty bad. I was lucky that my DP was very supportive and he recognised it about 3 or 4 months after it started so I was able to get a great psychologist who helped me soooo much. I had been given a script for anti-depressants, but didn't take them for long because I was able to get through it by having my psychologist visits fortunately. Its a horrible thing, you feel so miserable and weak as a human being. I really feel for you and it's very hard to control your temper too, especially with a little one with the terrible twos (I've got one too!!).

It sounds like you've been under a lot of stress you poor thing:hugs: And I know what it's like to feel like you've got to keep up appearances, most women do that, that's why it really helps to go and speak with someone who's qualified to help you.

Good luck:):)

[silvercat]

Just wanted to add my voice to the others.Your GP will make the relevant assessment and will refer you to the right resources/institute the right care.This is not by the sounds of things a case of abuse or neglect,just a "normal" parent who isnt quite themselves at the moment,so as such should have absolutely no bearing on custody issues.Maybe counselling will be all thats required as relationship breakdowns/property division/parenting single/terrible twos really bloody stressful in themselves.Good luck!:)

[CrazySingleMama]

Thanks for your comments girls :)

I've made the appoint for Thursday this week, and I asked for a doctor that would be the best help for PND - when I was talking to the receptionist, I said, 'I think I might have PND' and she goes 'huh? What's that?' :p

I'll let you all know how I go on Thursday :)

Oh, and I feel much more relaxed about being able to tell the doctor everything...I just wasn't sure if they could hold that kind of thing against you in a custody fight (if we have one that is) I guess there is always doctor/patient privilege though :D

[Chickadee]

So many parts of your post I could have written. :yes:

First off, congrats on making that GP appointment. Did you make it a long appointment? I ask because my intial consultation for PND turned into 1 1/4 hours of me sobbing in her office. I was very lucky that she never pays attention to how long appointments are supposed to be, I'd have been devastated if she'd told me at 15 min that i'd have to come back another day.

I try not to get too hung up on labelling what I have gone through. My GP calls it 'major depression' - similar to you I didn't see professional help or diagnosis till DD was 2.5 years old. So I probably fell outside of the "PND" range, but I can date it back to an earlier episode that started when she was only 3 or 4 months old. And mine is very much stress related, and the inability to cope with that stress. Regardless of the label, the important thing is start getting help. Which you're on the first steps to :yelclap:


If I tell the GP all of this ^^^ will they take my baby off me? Will it go against me in custody arrangements (I'm going for full custody until she's over 3)???
No, absolutely not. And if you start to see a psychologist that should also be confidential between him/her, yourself & your GP.

[CrazySingleMama]

Thanks so much Martha :hugs:

I made the GP appt 30 mins :o

It's so hard to really look inside to what YOU'RE feeling while you're so busy looking after a baby-toddler all by yourself, all the time. Now I think about it, I wonder how the hell my ex DH didn't see it at the time! It's so glaringly obvious to me now! I haven't mentioned ANYTHING to him about all this. I kind of think he has the right to know, because I'm the sole carer for our daughter, but there's no way I'm going to just go and GIVE him ammunition against me!

[Chickadee]

It is hard to figure out feelings when you're in the midst of them. And probably the GP will focus more on the physical symptoms of depression - sleep patterns, thought processes (I could not concentrate at all and could barely function at work), suicidal thoughts, etc. One of the things my GP explained to me was that a person suffering depression actually has a chemical imbalance going on that impedes certain brain function. It's a bit chicken & egg, as to which comes first, the depression or the chemical imbalance. But for me treatment was medication first to get my brain functioning so that I could then actually rationally think and process my emotions and feelings with a psychologist.

As for your ex, you need to think of him as a co-parent only. If you honestly believe that your ability as a mum is compromised, or that your daughter is in danger from you, then he has a right to know. But other than that, it's none of his business in my opinion. pffft, you're just getting some help in learning how manage the stress of being a single mum, nothing wrong with that :hugs:

[alphafemale2901]

I don't think he has a 'right' to know at all. It si your private business and he is not your partner anymore. If you think he might use it as ammo, then he probably will. I just think you should keep it under wraps for now.

[conorexnz]

Congratulations CrazySingleMama on taking that first step to talk to a GP, it's always the hardest!!!

I have had severe depression in the past and now have PND. Without being honest to the health profession and being able to talk about it and get the appropriate support in place I think I would be in a very different frame of mind - although I'm still struggling extremely but depression takes time to develop and takes time to recover from.

Good luck with your appt and I hope the "system" is able to support you.

[taurusmum]

Good luck with it all. I also had depression/GAD and now PND. I seriously doubt anything will come of things regarding custody and your daughter. PND would not be a suitable reason for your ex to get custody of your daughter.

Unfortunately in my case I mentioned to the assessing psychiatrist at the CAT team that I felt I could be danger of harming my baby- he said it had to be reported to DHS by law. I am still in a mother-baby unit but after a couple of days of being here, the staff could clearly see how attached my daughter was to me. The inhouse psych said the CAT team doctor had jumped the gun in reporting it but the case had been closed without any further investigation on recommendation of the staff here. Thank god.

Just make sure you get the appropriate help you need. Medication (if it is one that suits you) can work wonders, although you need time for it to kick in; so can a good psychologist. :hugs::hugs::hugs: to you and I hope things go well.

[conorexnz]

I agree with TaurusMum... medication needs to be supported with good counselling to get the most from it...

[CrazySingleMama]

:hugs:

Thanks everyone for your replies :)

TODAY IS THE BIG DAY!!! :smiliedance:

I'm actually REALLY EXCITED!!! Most of all, I'm looking forward to feeling so much better in about a week (:fingerscrossed:)

I've been feeling a bit cranky all week that this is the earliest appointment I could get, but now it's here, I'm not at all worried about that! It just seemed like Thursday was soooo far away. But I was thinking since I've felt 'wrong' for so long, four extra days isn't going to make a major difference in the scheme of things, is it! :p

I'll BBL this afternoon to update you all on what happened :)

Should I take tissues, or will the doc have enough there???

[alphafemale2901]

The doctor will definitely have tissues and plenty for you. :yes:

I'm glad you're approaching today with a positive attitude, because things can only get better and better.

I will also BBL and I can't wait to hear how things went for you.

Chin up soldier and good on you for reaching out for help. :yelclap:

[Chickadee]

Good luck today. :hugs:

[CrazySingleMama]

Evening :goodvibes:

Ok...the doctor agreed, he feels I have PND.

He's actually very experienced in dealing with PND and other types of depression, so he wants me to see him for another chat in two weeks time, to discuss how I'm going. He's prescribed Zoloft for me, and when I see him next time, he will discuss referring me for this psychologist program he is involved in. He also sent me for blood tests, to test my thyroid, B12, Iron, Liver function, and I think the other one was just a general blood test. Has anyone else done this? As soon as he said he was going to send me for bloods, I piped up asking if he'd add Thyroid to it, and he said it was one of the ones he was doing :p

I went and got the bloods done straight away, otherwise I would have put them off repeatedly and probably never gone :o

He said to take 1/2 a tablet for the first three days, and then a whole one from then. Is this normal? He said I won't start feeling any affect until about 7 days after I take the first whole tablet. Why not just start me on a whole one then?

I didn't even need the tissues! He was really nice, and we actually had a lot of laughs! :laughing:

[alphafemale2901]

Thats awesome hun. You sound like you're feeling relieved and thats great.

He sounds like he's very thorough which is also great. Not all doctors do bloods, but they should because there can also be physiological issues which contribute to depression/PND.

He probably recommended half a tablet to build up to the proper dose and not knock you around too much. Some of the pills have some pretty nasty side-effects. sounds like he's a very responsible doctor. Even though the positive effects of the tablets may not kick in for 7 days, the side-effcts often start straight away.

Good girl for keeping your chin up. :smiliedance:

[Chickadee]

That's great :hugs:

My GP did a round of blood tests too, it's standard I think (Or should be!). I also started meds at half dose. As alphafemale said, sometimes the side effects can be bad so it's good to ease your body onto the anti-d's.

[conorexnz]

Yeah, I also had bloods done the first time I was diagnosed with dep'n and slowly put onto full meds too as they can knock you around a bit if you aren't used to them or how they affect you.

Congratulations on getting help, you'll probably wonder why you didn't do it sooner but now you know and if there is a next time (which I seriously hope there won't be), you'll know the signs and nip it in the bud!!!

Awesome :thumbsup:

[crazyred20]

Wow.. In feel terrible for you & the thoughts & feelings you are having.. However the good news is this.. Now you know whats hapening & you are going to get some help you will get better. I developed PND whenDD was 6 months old & Iwent back to work fulltime.. That coupled with the pressures of trying to manage everything else made me fall over in a heap.
I did visit the mother baby unit to get some assistance.. (most private hospitals have these if you have insurance) then I went to the GP who recommended anti-depressants. The drugs did not agree with me so I went to see a Naturopath who gave me some stuff & I kid you not I was feeling better in a little over a week. Also its really importnant you consult someone to talk it all out with!
You will get there. I just had baby number 2 (almost 1 now) & I am feeling great. Just remember there are alternatives to medication!