Depressed since daughter died

[Christelle]

Hi,

My story is somewhat long, but I will try to keep it short.

I'm 32. I've been married since 1999. We struggled with infertility for 5 year before finally giving birth to our daughter Aliyah in 2005 (ivf). She was healthy (so we thought) but as 2 weeks of age was diagnosed with an extremely rare form of blood disorder. We spent the next 6 months of her life living at the children's hospital, trying all types of treatment and then she had a bone marrow transplant. She had her ups and downs but the doctors were optimistic and said we were to go home soon (this was Nov 2005) anyway, she had a bad turn and ended up having a cardiac arrest, which caused too much brain damage and her life support was switched off. She died 23 Dec 05.

We then started ivf again the following April and now have a healthy baby boy, Lachlan who turned 1 in February.

I have been to many counsellors, psychologists i was diagnosed with depression whilst pregnant with Lachlan. Up until a few months ago I was seeing a psychologist but just felt it was doing any "good".

I don't sleep at night, i have flashbacks, basically i cannot remember any good times with my daughter, it is all bad memories. Should i try and see another psychologist.

I work full-time now and am exhausted as i can't sleep.

[drshari]

Dear Christelle
Thank you for your brave post. I can't imagine what you have been through, it must feel like hell and back.
The symptoms you describe might fit more with post-traumatic stress than depression? And I wonder if your feelings during Lachlan's pregnancy might have been a mix of anxiety and depression?
It is no surprise at all that you would be experiencing some emotional disturbance with what you have been through - first the ups and downs of IVF, a successful pregnancy and beautiful daughter, then Aliyah's hospitalisation and passing (dear angel), followed by another successful pregnancy and a gorgeous son and now back at full time work...wow that is some rollercoaster ride.
I wonder if at some point in all of this you have given yourself time to truly grieve for your daughter? First for her illness and then for her death. Time to be a little self-indulgent and let yourself confront and feel all those emotions and let them out rather than being strong and in control all of the time? A good psychologist would help you find a way to let it all out, find a safe place for all of those feelings and memories that will always be with you and then find a way of moving forward, without having to constantly carry the baggage of the past two and a half years every day.
Sleep deprivation is a cause of mental illness in itself and can keep you in the cycle of depression for so much longer. When you are ready emotionally it might help to learn some relaxation skills, maybe try yoga, boot camp or something that helps you get out of your head and back into your body, back in touch with the present moment and help you to enjoy your husband and your son and be responsive to the love they want to give you.
I wish for you a lifetime of love and happiness from this point on - let your loved ones love you and nurture you and support you, you need it and deserve it.
with warm regards
Shari :hugs:

[Christelle]

Thank you for your reply.
It has been a huge rollercoaster ride.

Yes, my last psychologist said I have Post Traumatic Stress and tried ways of trying to get me to "release" my feelings. but to me that made me worse. I feel that if I "think" or try and "feel" too much I won't cope. Instead I just try to get on with life and block a lot of the feelings out. I try and be strong for my family because I know it's been hard on them too.

I just feel like I'm becoming a cold and bitter person and that's just not me.

I'm also scared to have another baby, allt he "what ifs" and "maybe I should quit while I'm ahead, because the next one could be sick" So many emotions to deal with. :(

[drshari]

You are right - Letting your feelings out will lead you to feel as though you aren't coping, it's the way we've been brought up in Australia - to get on with it, she'll be right - but everyone has their point where enough is enough. And that feeling wont last, you'll release your feelings and feel worse, then start to find ways of managing and keeping those feelings safe and gradually feel stronger and happier. You are not the only person responsible for your family's happiness but your state of mind will have a flow on effect for them.
Cold and bitter can sometimes be where we end up when we block out all feeling.
It is going to take a lot more strength and bravery to face those feelings inside than it is to just keep going . They are in there and they will come out one way or another, through sleepless nights and becoming cold and hard, or through tears and pain and a lot of support from your loved ones. You aren't in control of the sleepless nights and flashbacks but you can be at the steering wheel when it comes to when, how and with who you share your feelings. :hugs: