Venting about my mother!!! ~bit long~

[Pixie]

I am not sure where to start…. I am not very close to my mother had a lot of troubles with her from when I was 12 until I was 21 and left home and emigrated to Australia. She became very violent after my parents split up before that she was a fantastic mum, and at times during those 11 years she was an excellent mum too. But my memories of what she did to me remain quite strong.

So I have tried to distance myself as much as possible, moving to Australia helps lol but seriously I have kept contact and gone and spent time with her in the UK over the 8 years I have lived here. But each time I have visited she has physically attacked me. So naturally I don’t like to be alone with her. She also can be very controlling and verbally nasty on the phone especially if my partner is not home, as she knows I am weak and just don’t hang up! I know I am stupid. Or as my partner tells me I am just too nice!

So a few weeks ago it was her birthday and I sent a small gift as I thought once Eliza is born I would make up a Grandma parcel to celebrate her becoming a Grandma. Well I thought it was a nice idea. In the parcel I was going to include things like a photo frame that says “proud grandma” at the top and a mug that says Grandma and some other bits and bobs.
She on the other hand became horrible on the phone saying she didn’t know why I was bothering as it’s not like Eliza will know who she is, and she doesn’t want to be called Grandma as it sounds so old fashioned and she sees no point in me making a special parcel to celebrate something or someone who she will never know. I was pretty upset and said OK well fine whatever then.

After that phone call I thought wow she is so ungrateful not that this is a revelation but it really upset me and I decided stuff it I won’t send her the parcel as she won’t appreciate it, but I will do it for my partners mum regardless. And I haven’t spoken to her since. But I have emailed her and said I am sorry I just don’t want to speak to her right now as I found the last phone call very stressful and I didn’t really need it right now as I am about to have a baby. And I would call when I felt ready to.

Well yesterday she rang as she has done over the past 3 weeks she has called hmm 5-6 times demanding I call her and to stop acting like Greta Garbo. “I vant to be alone”

But yesterday she was so rude saying, “pick up the phone, how dare I ignore her, and she sees no reason why speaking to her would be stressful and she misses me”
And she is worried something has happened to me. Yet she has my mobile number and my email yet never bothers to use them!

She is stressing me out!!!! I just hate the fact I let her get to me so much, and interfere with my life. I need to have the courage to tell her straight which I have done but she fails to see the message!

I am already 4 days over my due date I don’t need this stress!!!
Eghh she is so selfish.

I know no one can really help I guess I just needed to get it out of my system and spare my poor partner of the same old, same old. Maybe I just need to get a grip and act like the adult I am! Gawd you’d think at 29 I would be a little stronger than I am eh!

what would you do?

If you read this far well done hands medals out...

[Pixie]

Thank you so much you are so right, it's terrible! I can't believe I try so hard, when I know the words will never come!
And you are again right I need to have space, but I feel so guilty when I try and get some!
Nice to hear from someone who has similar experiences!
Thank you :D :hugs:

[Pixie]

Ohh excellent idea I am going to do that write a memo for next to the phone!
I am not to stressed mainly because I am working hard not to be I don't want to be stressed and delay labour longer lol

Great advice :D

[Foxy]

DM - you sound like you have tried to be the "better" person for so long now! There is no need to feel guilty!

Perhaps it is time to just focus on yourself, Eliza and your partner, and let her play her mind games with someone else.

Having said that, my own extremely difficult mother has become a different person since I had DS, I think she realised that if she didn't pick her act up with me, she would never see her grandson.

I think it's a lovely idea to send her a few photos etc, you have done the "right" thing and it's her choice how she receives them.

Try not to think about it too much - hopefully you will be doing something else today!! :fingerscrossed:

[shed]

I don't have a close relationship with my mother either and I emigrated to get away from her.

She isn't outwardly nasty, she is insidious. She is just so different from me and we really just don't "get" each other at all. I can't believe she is even related to me and when I have to see her I nearly have a nervous breakdown each time, I am so on edge and highly strung the whole time, just waiting for the barbs.

That's kind of the reason why I am glad I am having a boy, because I feel like my mother-daughter function is sort of stuffed up from the other end.

Just be grateful that Eliza is going to have a fantastic mother who loves her and supports her and tries to understand her.

And grandma misses out. Once Eliza is here you will probably find that you are stronger, for her. You won't let Grandma hurt her in any way.

RRROOOOAAARRRR. That will be you!!

[melfunction]

I have been going through the same sort of cr@p with my father. And I feel the guilts too. But I don't want K to grow up with a grandparent who cannot respect me as a person, so I have told him that if he can't be nice, then have a nice life without us....

I wonder how many of us have moved countries to get away from our families? :confused:

[Pixie]

Shelbyville Yes I hope I don't spend the day muddling over her silly words, well she will never see her grandchild unless we go there, I don't want her coming here :eek:

kristy_ryan& You poor thing! That is frighting about your mum, I have woken up with my mother standing over me, not sure what she was doing but it was enough to scare me! I hope things get better for you too!

Shed..it seems the way to be emigrate! The funny thing is I am adopted so I am not even related to my mother thank goodness. I am exactly the same though when around her it's like being on egg shells. And I also agree with having Eliza has already made me stronger in so many ways. I just don't want her to be around mummy when I have spoke to my mother and see me upset!

KM good on you, that can't of been easy but totally the right thing to do!

Thanks everyone I feel very lurved! :hugs:

[misskittyfantastico]

I just wanted to say :hugs: ....Big, lovely preggie ladies should not be suffering from this kind of stress.

As for constructive advice? The working out boundaries thing is an excellent idea:thumbsup: I wondered as well whether you had had any kind of counselling yourself because sometimes you need to be given tools to deal with this kind of thing...also the birth of your beautiful daughter may stir up a lot of different emotions...

Anyway, I just wanted to offer my support:)

[rynosmum]

DM,

You shouldn't have to deal with this when you are embarking on the most wonderful and exciting experience of your life !:hugs:

Why not send her the parcel anyway (then you know you've done your best) then ignore the phone and concentrate on your beautiful little bubba who you will be meeting any day now.

One look into Eliza's little eyes, and you'll care less about the negative people in this world. Why waste time with people who just want to bring you down, when you have a gorgeous little girl who just wants to light up your life ?

All the best for a calm and peaceful birth !

[melfunction]

Right on RM!!! :yelclap: I agree..

To see your baby for the first time, nothing else matters. And you will want to protect Eliza in ways you never thought you would.
I have no doubt you'll find the strength to tell her to 'play nice' or bugger off.
It took K's birth for me to find it too.

[Pixie]

milliesmum..I have had counselling in the past but I guess I haven't found a good one I have major trust issues with them reason..."my mother is one" yes can you believe it!!!

rynosmum You are so right...I just find it hard to ignore, the whole guilt thing I am very focused on having my natural calm birth I hope it's soon!

KM I am sure you are right....Having Eliza will defintely help me! poor baby being used in family battle already :o

[MilkOnTap]

DM - I am sending you a huge HUG right now!!!

And a big kick up the backside to your rotton mother.

You are doing the right thing by screening your phone calls - Cant say I blame you! My father did the same thing to my family (you know the story) and he has now been outcasted by everyone. All I can do is pray for him and hope that he realises that it was HE who pushed everyone away.

Best Wishes for the arrival of baby E - very very soon!!!

[Peaceangels]

DM, you are right, you are too nice! I just cannot believe that your mother can be doing this to you when you are about to give birth.

I know you have tried counselling, but have you tried hypnotherapy? Reason I ask, is that it is great for breaking certain patterns of thinking (ie - you being guilty) and allows your subconscious mind to accept positive suggestions. I have had months of hypnotherapy in the past and it helped me immensly. Your going to have to wait a while for this though, cause your having a baby any day now (hurry up Eliza!)

In the short-term, I have a few little excercises you can do when your mother starts getting abusive.

When your mother says something horrible to you, you will take it in, then imagine your mind has a wastebasket. Take those horrible words, imagine your opening your minds wastebasket and pop them in - gone forever!

OR, when she says something totally unreasonable to you, mentally say "I'm not taking that on board, here you have it back". Don't absorb it, don't even think about it or analyse it, shoot it straight back to her.

Thankfully you can screen your calls and distance yourself to a certain degree.
Take care, I am sending labour vibes your way!;)

Ness
xx

[danik]

I hear what you are saying Devon Mouse!

My childhood was spent arguing and being verbally & physically abused by my mother. She was the same with all my siblings. She has always been unstable. I would even go to say she has some serious mental issues. But it seems the older she gets the more she mellows out.

I have never taken her s**t, always stood up for myself (thus rebelling when I was younger). She doesn't give me half the c**p she gives to my sister who feels "guilty" if she "lets" Mum down.

But I can tell you that Mum knows she can get away with it with my sister so that's why she does it.

I have forgiven Mum for the past and have let her know that she was a terrible role model to me and that I will never be like that with my children. I think it is important to let your Mum know that you disagree with the way she is treating you and you won't put up with it anymore (especially since you will be a Mum soon and you don't want people like that intefering in your life).

Sorry if I ranted! Just want people to know that you don't have to be treated like a child when you are a perfectly responsible adult!

[Funkychicken]

Wow, I thought I was alone in my relationship with my mother! Devon Mouse, you poor darling-it's so hard when your pregnant and about to give birth. The emotions are all over the shop. You need nurturing, not to be attacked. Give yourself permission to love yourself regardless of your mother's opinion.
There are a lot of similarities to what you ladies have been through in my life also. Mum was great growing up, don't get me wrong but as she got older she just went downhill. It is almost like she is competing with me. "Give Me the attention" kind of thing. We had organised her to help while I was in having Hamish etc... but 4 weeks prior she decided to have 'another' breakdown. The sort where she takes a heap of pills and then calls 000. Great mum, just when I need you it's all about you again.
I have spent years being angry at her after teenage years of worrying about her, propping her up etc... but over the last few months I feel like I'm finally beginning to let go of her. I have been relistening to Marianne Williamson's tape on the subject of mothers and forgiving our parents and this time it seems to be making sense. I actually feel like I am claiming my feelings back.
Huge hugs to Devon Mouse and to all the other girls doing it hard with their parents.:hugs: :hugs:

[diamonds22]

Firstly..Congratulations for putting up with her for this long!! you have done well!!!:smiliedance:

IMO she totally does not deserve you...she obviously has a mental illness of sorts and its unfair ('unfair' doesn’t seem to do justice) that she keeps pulling you down with her!

I think the Memo by the phone is a fantastic idea..and if you hang-up you can then try and kinda 'train' yourself to forget about the comments straight away...like water under the bridge immediately....then it might help you lower your stress levels. (I hate where I work…but I’ve trained myself to forget about it immediately as soon as I put a foot in the car..it was stressing me out to much..and now it totally doesn’t even come into my home place)

She’s just immature and all about herself...until she gets help I think she will always be like that...so just kinda shrug it off...I know its hard cos she’s your 'mum' but just remember you have you own lil family now..and if she can't step up than she shouldn’t be an important aspect of your life.

Hope that makes sense!!:)

[chillifly]

It's horrible to say and think, but where is the 'perfect family' that we all dream of being a part of? I don't know anyone who has a 'fantastic' relationship with both of their parents (especially mothers). Mothers in particular I think, can be a bit difficult to get along with. This is sad to acknowledge being a mother, but I'm hoping by being aware of it I won't make the same mistakes with my daughter that my mother has made with me.

I don't know what it is...perhaps the whole 'menopause' thing that makes them extra mental at that age?? My mother 'suffered' menopause from the time I was 11 until I was 23 :eek: and she used it as an excuse to treat us (including my father) so badly the entire time. She never once tried to see things from our point of view, she was so caught up in herself. Because we had it shoved down our throats about how she was suffering we put up with it, and now it is like modus operandis with her. She just expects everyone to put up with her rubbish all the time and we do, because she threatens to have nothing to do with us. She says and does what she wants which is more often than not extemely hurtful and vindictive and yet we're the ones who end up apologising and doing whatever we can to placate her. As an adult I acknowledge how ridiculous this is, but don't know how to break the cycle without losing Lucy her grandmother (and probably grandfather because he won't stand up to her either).

So, Devon Mouse, I can't really give you any good advice because I am too weak to deal with my own mother issues. All I can say is that you're not the only one who has these problems with your mum; there are lots of us out there that suffer with the same problems and struggle to deal with them. Clearly you're like me and are just too nice to say anything or do anything like hang up on them for fear of the reprisals. I wonder if you would consider writing a really long letter to her, explaining just how you feel and what it is she does that upsets you. Ask her to write back to you with her thoughts/feelings about it all rather than calling you as you want to avoid it becoming an emotional argument over the phone. Maybe by both of you taking the time to compose a thoughtful letter, she might recognise what you're trying to do and respect you for it? I don't know, but I do wish you the best of luck.

I wish you all the best with the birth of baby Eliza; I hope it happens soon for you. Committ to putting the issues with your mum to the back of your mind until Eliza is at least 2 weeks old, then revisit it and go from there. Who knows, you might have a whole new perspective after the experience (I know I did!).

Take care and I look forward to hearing how Eliza's entry into the world goes :hugs:

[Pixie]

Ally84 Thank you sweetie

Peaceangels That is a great idea I might give it a go one day I believe in hypnotherapy but it's finding a good one! If you know of someone awesome I shall be asking you in the future! And thanks for the labour vibes lol

danik I have told my mother exactly what's going on she chooses not to accept it it's like fighting a brick wall she denies it all :rolleyes:

SalOO8 I haven't heard of Marianne Williamson, will look into that

diamonds22 Ohh yeah she is mentally ill..that is no question no one should treat another human being the way she has done at times!

chilliflyThere is no such thing as a perfect family! I agree with the excuse of menopause although my mother has a lot more going on than just that lol I have written to her in the past and she twists my words and makes things bigger than they are I have to be very careful with what I write it take me a very long time to write a short message to her to make sure she isn't able to twist it! Grrr
And I hope I can share my birth story soon too lol

:hugs: Girls :D

[Funkychicken]

Hey Devon Mouse, thinking of you. Hope you are feeling OK today. As much as I love reading your posts I have been logging on today hoping NOT to see you online-only in the gotta go and give birth sense! Good luck and be kind to yourself.:hugs:

[Pixie]

He he I wish I wasn't here either as much as I love it lol..I don't think I have ever had so many people not want to see me for such a good reason :D

[chillifly]

Devon Mouse, have you told Eliza she's supposed to be out yet?!?!?!?!? I think it's time to bring out the big guns and start eating some curries. What else brings on labour??? Go for a long walk maybe.............

:fingerscrossed:

[Kirstlea]

Hi Devon Mouse

I just wanted to say goodluck for when you finally go into labour:smiliedance: :smiliedance:

Its not easy dealing with family issues at a time like this but as hard as it may sound you have to forget about her for the time being.

Once Eliza is born you will find a peace within yourself. I know that sounds weird but tell me what you think once its all over.

The hardest thing will be, that you will so much wish that your mother was there to show baby Eliza off and say hey mum look what I did because there is such a huge sense of achievement and awe. Try to block that part because in no way should she be allowed to make you feel bad at this glorious time in your life.

God this sounds a little wishy washy, I am terrible at writing the correct words, hopefully you get what I am trying to say.

When Eliza is born get DP to phone her and fill her in on the info, that way she is informed and you don't get negative feedback from her. She will never be able to throw that in your face that she wasn't told.

:ecomcity: :ecomcity: Sorry, I just felt really sad for you when reading your post and wanted to send good wishes and lots of hugs.

All of you that have the same kind of problems with your mothers lots of hugs to you too. I couldn't imagine what it would be like.

[chillifly]

i hate to sound rude
but sex can bring on labour
a chemical in the semen
stimulates something in the cervix
and can cause labour


Prostaglandin :thumbsup:
They use it in the gel they put on the cervix to induce

[brooke]

dm.... you poor thing how awful!
:hugs: :hugs:

Parents can be so awful sometimes.. Im sure they just have no idea how hurtful they can be sometimes... all we want is to be accepted by them and loved! even as adults we still want this... i dont think it will ever change even if we are all grown up!
You are more than right you dont need to be stressed with this right now! If you stress your bubba will stay in there longer.

Maybe just send her an email saying Im ok, just need space for a while until after the baby is born.. DONT CALL ME I WILL CALL YOU!
she needs to respect you more... but you already know all this....

Big hugs DM I hope you can have some time to relax and she can stop stressing you out more at this VERY stressful time!

And Labour vibes being sent your way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ************ :fingerscrossed:

[Pixie]

I am all proglastdin'd out lol

[chillifly]

ROTFLMAO DM :laughing: :laughing:

I don't think you're really committed to this labour thing....do it for Eliza!!! ;)

:D