I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do! :(

[moonblossom]

My daughter is considering terminating her pregnancy. I don't know what to say to her. I am ALL for women's rights, their body is their own to do whatever they wish to do with it. BUT, this is a little too close to home. I've seen the ultrasound. I was SO happy, but she hasn't been ever since she found out. She is doing all the right things, not drinking, smoking etc, taking vitamins. But she has not stopped argueing with her boyfriend since she found out. Its seems to of tipped her over the edge...and she is considering termination.

She told me...I didn't know what to say...I just felt the tears well up in my eyes ( no she didn't see )and just told her I will support whatever she decides. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW. :crying:

I understand where she is coming from. Her boyfriend is irresponsible, he is only 21 (she is 24) she lives at home with me and she never wanted children in the first place.

I dont know what to say or do :crying:

[borntobemummy]

:hugs: I don't envy your position at all. If it were me, it would be my first instinct to offer to take the child and raise it for her. I'm as pro-life as can be though.

[Tam-I-Am]

I guess all you can say is what you've already said - that nothing she does is going to change the way that you feel about her, and that you will support whatever decision she makes.

I would SERIOUSLY encourage her to go to counselling first though (and I'm not talking the termination 'counselling' that they offer before a termination - I'm talking about external, completely 3rd party, impartial counselling) to help her sort through her own emotions about it. I know this is sort of time limited - but its a life-altering decision, whichever way she goes...

Good luck to your family through this very difficult time.

[4B2L]

Obviously I don't know what to say. What a horrible spot for you to be in.

Have a talk to her, discuss the pro's and con's of both avenues.

Make sure that whatever decision she makes that it is not clouded by the anger and resentment that she is feeling for her boyfriend.

Goodluck, hope all works out well.xoxooxox

[the_queen]

Oh MB :( :( :hugs:

I don't know what to say either. :( What an awful situation, so sad for everyone :( They do make the girls get counselling don't they, I mean she wouldn't be able to just march in and have it done. Maybe this is just a knee-jerk reaction to the arguing with her boyf - maybe you can just encourage her to wait until she's calmed down, and then write a list of pro's and con's and weigh it all up.

:hugs:

[PrincessJasmine]

Wow :hugs: and more :hugs:. Maybe explain to her that you aren't trying to persuade her one way or the other, but point out the advantages if she did keep the baby. If she's living at home with you, then the possibility of being a single parent is made easier with you there to help her. Even suggest adoption maybe? She may come around in time.

[mummalisciousto3]

Definately a hard situation to be in, but as you said she never has wanted children in the first place. The best you can do is make sure she is wanting to abort for all the right reasons eg - not because she resents her bf etc, and be there for her with whatever decison she makes.

I hope everything turns out ok :hugs:

[moonblossom]

Borntobe, this was the first thing I offered when she found out she was pregnant. If she didn't think she could cope, then I would take care of the baby for her.

She hasn't been happy since she found out...doing the right things, but NOT happy. Oh boy I can't believe how cut up I am about this.

This ISN'T about me...its her life and her future, I MUST remember that. I will suggest councelling, I think I know someone who would help her.

I was ready to be a Nana, I guess shes just not ready to be a mummy :confused:

[Becs999]

Wow - what a position to be in.

Give her time and offer her every support. My guess is that she won't abort because you have to be 1000% sure, if not it's a mistake.

I was always passionate that it's a woman's body and how dare anyone legislate on a woman's body :ecomcity: until I faced my own unwanted preg. I won't go into details, however, there wasn't a moment were I even contemplated going through with it (I would have thrown myself down the stairs to terminate if it came to it). The guilt haunted me for years though (the guilt of getting preg) and I realised that it is a BIG decision.

Listen, support, be her best friend. She doesn't need a mother now, she needs a best friend. As someone else said - make sure it's not a knee jerk reaction to the situation with the boyfriend. :)

[hayleysmummy]

Please Please get her to speak to someone. or read up on it. I regret doing what I did everyday and yes I got councelling the day I was terminating for all of 5 mins and I believe if I was propperly coucelled I would not have gone through with it. But what she does at the end of the day is totally up to her I just hope she really knows the pro's aand cons before going ahead. I remember your post about how excited you were to become a nanny big HUGE hugs to you and your daughter I will be thinking of you both :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Mamaduke]

The only thing you can and should do is, whatever she decides, give her a huge cuddle and tell her she did the right thing...
whatever she decides.

[Bewitched]

I guess all you can say is what you've already said - that nothing she does is going to change the way that you feel about her, and that you will support whatever decision she makes.

I would SERIOUSLY encourage her to go to counselling first though (and I'm not talking the termination 'counselling' that they offer before a termination - I'm talking about external, completely 3rd party, impartial counselling) to help her sort through her own emotions about it. I know this is sort of time limited - but its a life-altering decision, whichever way she goes...

Good luck to your family through this very difficult time.


:iagree: You are so sweet to acknowledge yes this is her life and her decision, but you are suffering from this too, so it's okay to be all cut up about it hun, my Mum cried when i considered my termination with my twins (i decided to go through with it in the end and sadly lost them around 8 months anyway), but i remember feeling so sad for Mum and understanding why she was upset. Keep supporting each other through this difficult time :hugs:

[Freya]

Ohh.:(:(:(

That is so sad MB.:hugs:

[Helen'sHavingTwins]

I don't mean for this to sound horrible but I agree with the other ladies she needs to get councelling first to make sure this is the right thing for her to do.....not just because she is fighting heaps with her DP?

Get her to read some of the ladies stories on here in the long-term ttc threads....that might change her mind.....

I do believe every women should have the right to do what ever they want with their own body but I would hate to see a young lady regret it and god for sake not be able to conceive later in life when she wants to ....

I really feel for you :hugs:

Helen xxx

[WorkingClassMum]

I am preferably pro-life and I also believe a women has the right to do with her body as she will, I just wish that terminations weren't necessary. But we don't live in a perfetc world


Is she considering a termination in order to keep the BF? Is he pressuring her to terminate or insisting on keeping bubs? I think you need to understand what pressure he is putting on her.


Please, please just love her as you have always done, and be there for her as she works through this crisis. You sound an amazing lady and a wonderful mum.:hugs:

[jag5000]

:( MB .. I know this is never the road you would have chosen for your daughter

the last thing I assume she needs is more guilt piled on her.. if I was in her situation I would have enough guilt of my own to deal with

options are are good thing.. but if you are looking for advice, the only piece I feel like I can offer is, to pretty much just listen.. as hard as I believe it would be to want to try to sway her one way or the other as you have already said it is HER choice... the simple fact that she has come to you with these thoughts say so much about your relationship and bond

and the sad fact is that which ever way she goes, while at times it will feel like the absolute RIGHT thing to have done... there will be just as many times where she will feel like she has done the WRONG thing.. that's normal of course and hugs and a supportive shoulder are the only real answer

you are an amazing mother MB and an inspiration to so many of us

I remind you of the words that I have seen you say so many times yourself.. trust your instincts

[Amused]

As horrible as it is for everyone else to accept, be it her mother, her BF, fellow bubhubbers, it is HER choice and something she is going to have to live with for the rest of her life. Pressuring her to have a baby that is making her SO unhappy is not fair on her but mostly not fair on the BABY!!!

For the record, I am pro-life... it would have to be an EXTREMELY extraordinary situation for me personally to terminate... but a woman's body is a woman's body and she must live with the consequences and must therefore make the decision.

[DB&O]

MB; all you can do is be there for her, she will need you to be supportive & loving regardless of her decision & I'm sure from reading your posts that you will be just that :yes:
You sound like a very supportive, caring & loving mum & although you may not like her decision, you will put your feelings aside & be there for her to lean on, thats what a mummy does :yes:

Good luck.
Brooke.

[Lissa7]

What a beautiful suportive mother you are, I'm sure this is a difficult time for you and your daughter is very lucky to have your support at this time.

Sorry others around here are pushing their own personal opinion rather than supporting you and offering you kind advice like you asked!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish & your daughter all the very best in future:hugs:

Take care

[Shananaaah]

As a woman who terminated a pregnancy in her early 20's and has never even TOLD her mother, can I just say how lucky she is to have you, no matter which decision she makes.

Ultimately it is her choice, and she has to come to that conclusion herself, but with your support, some counselling, and a little time (although I realise she may not have time) she will decide what is the best for her right now.

Honestly, sometimes I regret having the termination, sometimes I regret getting pregnant, sometimes I don't feel either of those ways at all but most of the time, I just think "well that is done, I can't change it now, and would I have really changed it anyway?".

Its such a personal event. All the good feelings and help in the world still can't make the decision for you, but all the support and good feelings can help you get through it - whatever "it" turns out to be, either having the baby or terminating.

Good luck and loads of love and support to you and your daughter xxxxxx :hugs:

[Freya]

Your such an amazing mother MB.:hugs:

[phineas]

Moonblossom - geez, I don't envy you! I guess all you can say is "I'm here for you whatever your decision". But if you feel can't be there for her (if she chooses to terminate) then let her know and just back away. You know that even though you feel strongly about this that it's HER decision, and that's great. If she is considering termination after an ultrasound etc... she must have some reasons and must be going through a hell of a time. Poor thing, give her a hug from me :hugs:

[caitcam]

Oh dear....You poor thing. It must be so hard to watch your daughter struggle in this situation. You will be a nanna, at some stage and it will be very special whenever it happens.
As others have said, just being there for her, loving her and also acknowledging your own very normal grief is what you can do. Sometimes words just arent needed, but a cuddle says so much. And crying with her could be just what you need.
As for my opinion on what she should do.....well that just doesnt matter cos it is not my life, my beliefs or my body.
Hugs to you and your family:hugs::hugs:

[Rating]

I am really feeling for you and your daughter right now MB. I am sorry you are both in this situation. Hugs to you for being such an amazing daughter and I hope after getting the advice and counselling she needs she makes the decision that is right for her. Not her boyfriend not you you (sorry) but her that she can live with and be ok with for the rest of her life.

I dont envy your situation but i am here if you would like someone to speak to!

[BB&D]

the only thing you can do MB is to be there for her - no matter what she decides. she will need your support if she has a termination and even more if she doesn't. even if you don't agree or understand why she feels she has to make this decision - just listen to her and then give her a hug and tell her that you love her. try and explain her options to her but don't push a particular point. try and take a step back from your emotions (hard i know) and just give her the facts about termination, adoption and your support.

the only thing any of us can do for our children is to be there and tell them that we love them and support them in their decisions even if we think they are wrong.

[SorenLorensen]

MB from reading your post i really really hope that i am as good as a mother as you are, this must be so hard for you but you are putting your DD first.....you really are something special :hugs:

[xkwzit]

I have deleted a whole bunch of off topic posts. This is NOT an abortion debate thread, it is about a mother trying to help her daughter deal with a very difficult and emotional issue.

Any further off topic posts will attract warnings / infractions as warranted.

Let's support MB in this very difficult situation.

Cheers

[OopsieDaisy]

Oh I could understand why this would be hard for you :hugs: Your her mother and a possible to be grandmother.
Councelling would be the best thing, I would even look at talking to someone too (for you) to get all these feelings out.
Big hugs to you and your daughter, she must be feeling very overwhelmed right now. :hugs:

[lukaelmo]

If you were my mum...

I'd want you to be there for me, no matter what. Suggest/help with the therapist, but let her know that you are there for her, 100% non judgemental for her, no matter what she decides. You don't have to agree, or like her decision, but this situation exists, and there it is.

You are obviously a very maternal woman (hee hee, I can tell by the 8 children!!!) and you are so very very lucky that your daughter can confide in you. I know I couldn't/can't with my mum. And I'd give ANYTHING to be able to, to have that kind of relationship.

Put your own feelings aside, and support your daughter, help her with all the information she needs to have so that she can make an informed choice. Some woman can't deal with termination at all, others can do it and feel perfectly fine about it. It's up to her.

Just be there for her. I know that you will.

And maybe find someone to be there for you?

[moonblossom]

Thank you so much ladies for your support. Thanks Mod for deleting posts i probably would of found offensive, I didn't read them because i've just logged on, but thanks.

My daughter and I have talked non stop, she knows i'm pro choice, and respects how difficult this situation is for me, and she respects that i have always stood up for women's rights, their bodies, their choice. (gezzz it was hard stopping the tears falling at times) But today has been a better day, her partner came over last night, and they talked and talked.

This pregnancy has scared them both more than I had realised. He is 21, feels a failure and should have been more financially strong at this time. I explained to him that having a baby is about LOVING that child, it doesn't matter if you can't give it everything, as long as he/she knows they are loved. THINGS come and go, but LOVE is etched into our soul.

My daughter has had a better day, she had her first hospital appointment and it went well. Its the first time I've seen her smile about this pregnancy (it helped that the midwife is fantastic and the same one who saw me through my pregnancy with Alexander).

I told her I will always be there for her, no matter what, she knows this. She expected to be married, have her own home etc before she planned to get pregnant, but our spirit babies don't always stick to their parents agenda, they pick the time, the parents, and they don't give a damn if they are raised in a mansion, or sleep in a tent, all they care about is LOVE...and I know they will LOVE this baby more than they realise right now.

Thank you everyone...

[Lissa7]

What a beautiful understanding mum you are. I wish you and your daughter all the very best.

Look forward to following your journey

Take care

:hugs:

[punkbaby]

I really dont have any advice or anything to say but sending you lots of :hugs: she is so lucky that she has a mum like you :) who is supporting her no matter what thats awesome! I wish my mum as like you :hugs:

[*Chels*]

Oh MB,you are such a sweetheart:flowerz:And you are a fantastic mum,and will be a great nana!!
I wish you and your daughter all the best.Sounds like things are looking up for her.I think she just needs time to get her head around everything.As alot of us here know,suprise babies really can suprise us!!

[moonblossom]

WOW I must be hormonal...I'm so upset for you guys who didn't have the type of mother you could always run too, no matter what.

My mum was the same, and I swore i would never be like that. And I'm not. A little too open with them I've been told, but I don't believe so...They ask me anything, and I give them a clear answer based on my own beliefs, but they have to follow their own path, I can only gently guide.

I make mistakes too, but my children know I am only human...Thanks to all those who say i'm a good mum, others would disagree because as I've been told by some, my children are free range children LOL. I don't control them, just give them the choices that are avaliable. Even the little ones understand this concept.

I feel in my heart all will be ok with my beautiful daughter...and if she's not, then I will be right by her side helping her to pick up the pieces.

Love to you all :hugs:

[ml2tope]

I have to agree with the other ladies, you are an amazing mum! 8 kids, but still time for each one and to have that relationship with your daughter is fantastic (for both you and her). Without even knowing you, i can tell you are an exceptional, dedicated, loving, caring mummy! I wish my mother and I were that close and i can only hope for a relationship like that with my own baby girl. I hope everything works out for the best with your daughter. You should recommend that she come on bubhub, she'll find heaps of support and lovely ladies on here to share her journey (whatever path it takes!) And as someone else suggested above, i think it is a good idea to find someone to support you and that you can just talk openly with about how your feeling. I honeslty think you are doing an amazing job. You are a prime example of how a mother should be and are someone we should all aspire to be like. I am truly in awe of your relationship with your daughter and I am so glad that she has a mum like you to help her through this difficult time. You are doing a great job!

I hope everything works out for you and your family.
You are in my thoughts. *hugs*

[rowiechb]

:hugs:MB you are a wonderful supportive mother:hugs:

Like others have said, the only thing you can do, is love and support her, whatever her decision, even if its not the one you want.

Also a wise person once told me;) 'If you waited til you were'ready' for kids, you would never have them'

Take care:hugs: and love to you both:hugs:

[lunawolfspirit]

you are an inspiration

[Lastcenturymum]

Oh how hard for you and them.

We don't know till we find ourselves in a particular situation how we will feel or react.

It's a concern she doesn't want children yet and her partner seem to have issues...I hope they can talk it through and come to a decision that is best for the child and them:hugs:

[neostudded]

:hugs: Glad it all went well MB

[meegzz]

Hope everything works out ok in the end still either way!!!

My mum was the same as you... i have been through this and i didnt make the right choice but somehow and i have no idea why i was given another chance... A lot of people dont agree with the choice i made but then again at the time noone who doesnt know me knew my situation either....

It is one hard decision to make and if she still does make that one it is good to know as much as it will hurt you, how supportive you will be of her and the decision that she makes :hugs:.

[moonblossom]

Hi ladies...Thanks for all your advice...I wanted to give you all an update.

She had her 19 week ultrasound, and she's having a little girl, and is SO happy. She has moved into a beautiful unit with her partner, and they both seem really happy. The ultrasound was so moving, I'M HAVING A GRAND DAUGHTER WHOOOO HOOOOO, well she is LOL, but you know what i mean LOL.

The nursery is looking beaituful...I'm so proud of her for turning her nightmare, into something beautiful, she is blossoming...absolutely glowing.

I just love seeing her round belly everyday, I love her, I love my grand daughter, and I LOVE that she has embraced what was once her worst fear, into love and acceptance. I'M SO PROUD OF HER.

[BreakfastatTiffanys]

Oh MB what a lovely outcome for everyone.:) You sound like a wonderful caring, involved mum. Good on you, so many of us don't have that :hugs::hugs:

Woohoo to being a grandma:goodvibes:

Keep us all posted.

[4B2L]

Awesome news. :D So glad she is looking forward to the experience. I am rapt for you and your daughter.

[Wy & Deeky]

That is lovely to hear MB, wishing you all the very best. Exciting times ahead and congratulations on a little granddaughter.

[DjF]

WOW I must be hormonal...I'm so upset for you guys who didn't have the type of mother you could always run too, no matter what.

My mum was the same, and I swore i would never be like that. And I'm not. A little too open with them I've been told, but I don't believe so...They ask me anything, and I give them a clear answer based on my own beliefs, but they have to follow their own path, I can only gently guide.

I make mistakes too, but my children know I am only human...Thanks to all those who say i'm a good mum, others would disagree because as I've been told by some, my children are free range children LOL. I don't control them, just give them the choices that are avaliable. Even the little ones understand this concept.

I feel in my heart all will be ok with my beautiful daughter...and if she's not, then I will be right by her side helping her to pick up the pieces.

Love to you all :hugs:

Moonblossom - can you please be my second mum?!
Ive read your posts - and all i can say is you are doing what you need to do - being there for your daughter while she struggles with a hard decision.
I think that all will be well.
I wish someone had told me in my early twenties some of the things you have said on here.
I also wish my mum could meet you and some of you could rub off on her!:D

[punkbaby]

That is so lovely to hear, she really is lucky to have such a wonderful supportive mum like you! So excited for you both :)

[Chesby05]

That's wonderful news and you know what else? I feel that if she really didn't care or want the baby she wouldn't have been bothering to do all the `right' things. Such regard for your unborn child does not come if you don't want it on some level.

I had an abortion when I was younger, and early on in my pregnancy I didn't give the issue much thought. But as things went further along and I realised how much goes on in such a short time during pregnancy my views on abortion changed quite a lot. I'm still pro-choice but with real reservations now and I think I'm not alone in this amongst pregnant women.

The first trimester (as well all know) is horrible but I bet now that your daughter has reached the fun stage, the kicking and the moving and the great hormones and the realisation that she is going to have a real, live little girl who she will love more than anything I think this decision will continue to feel right for her. You are a wonderful mother and she is lucky to have you - and that must help her enormously at the moment. All you need when you are pregnant is to feel safe and secure and I'm sure that's how she feels with you.

It's not going to be easy but it isn't easy for anyone - no matter what their situation. I don't think she'll ever regret keeping this baby.

My brother is a lawyer who prosecutes mostly sex crimes - paedophiles and incest make up the majority of his workload. He's seen a lot of awful stuff, and I was talking to him about my fears for our financial situation, security and future etc. He said to me `Sis, if you will love your baby, if you will shelter her and care for her and feed her and make her feel safe, you are far, far ahead of soooo many parents out there. Don't worry about money - you are going to have a loved, cherished and valued child. She is already luckier than most'. That really stayed with me - and I think about it a lot. Money doesn't matter - it's what you can offer in love that counts the most.

I think your daughter's daughter will be a very loved little girl, and that's more important than anything.

[Lyglc]

what wonderful news - hopefully she'll have the rest of her pregnancy being wonderful and will be blown away with this amazing little life growing inside of her.

[Freya]

Hi ladies...Thanks for all your advice...I wanted to give you all an update.

She had her 19 week ultrasound, and she's having a little girl, and is SO happy. She has moved into a beautiful unit with her partner, and they both seem really happy. The ultrasound was so moving, I'M HAVING A GRAND DAUGHTER WHOOOO HOOOOO, well she is LOL, but you know what i mean LOL.

The nursery is looking beaituful...I'm so proud of her for turning her nightmare, into something beautiful, she is blossoming...absolutely glowing.

I just love seeing her round belly everyday, I love her, I love my grand daughter, and I LOVE that she has embraced what was once her worst fear, into love and acceptance. I'M SO PROUD OF HER.

OMGOSH!

MB, I am soooooooo relieved. That is awesome news!

Congratulations Grandma ohhh.:D:D:D

:flowerz::hugs::smiliedance:

[Hels*Bels]

Thanks for the update MB, it's so great to hear such a positive happy outcome.

I wish your daughter and family all the best with the birth and her bub :flowerz: