Do you think its fair to give presents and not allow them to leave your home?

[punkbaby]

Just curious on others thoughts about this, with dhs son we leave his ps2 here, that was the deal when we bought it for him and his 15 so he knew and totally understood he has a ps2 at home though and his allowed to take games home with him, if we buy them.

DD10 just rang me (its her birthday) shes at her dads and she was telling me about her presents. She told me that shes sad as shes not allowed to bring them home they have to stay at such and suchs house for when she goes and visits. They did this at christmas too we are talking shoes and clothing and playstation games, drawing stuff, puzzles etc.

I understand that some things can stay behind, so she has something to play with when she goes there, i guess that some clothing etc too but considering she always takes her best things when she visits there really isnt a need, and she is growing so quick too, she is lucky to go there 5 times a year though and to not let her bring one single present home is a little harsh i think.

Interested to hear others thoughts

[SweetAngels]

Mmm DD's other family don't let her bring gifts in stuff home, they even send her home in the clothes she goes there in...

Now it wouldn't be such a big deal to me BUT they do this cause they think her brothers (the 'other' kids to them) will wreak them :rolleyes: that DOES annoy me!!

I think its silly TBH but I can't fight it, its their choice, I just get annoyed with the 'other kids' part :mad:

[punkbaby]

Now it wouldn't be such a big deal to me BUT they do this cause they think her brothers (the 'other' kids to them) will wreak them :rolleyes: that DOES annoy me!!



Thats one reason we get....so far the kids have only ruined one thing and it was because she left it laying around so it was one of those things unfortunately

[SweetAngels]

Yeah thats what bothers me, that they don't understand that 'accidents' happen AND they don't teach DD manners and to pick up after herself :rolleyes::mad: and just like you, its only happened once where they accidentally broke a gift.

[lukaelmo]

Okay, my family is not a blended one, so ignore me if you like, but DXP and I don't live together anymore, and of course we buy our boys things.

Because we have a very good relationship, (and no rubbing in there, I know how lucky we both are) basically if DXP wants a specific something left at his house, I have no problem with it. That being said, because I have the kids almost full time (he visits us, they are young to leave their mum very much) I have most of their things, things that I have bought and things that he has bought.

We also go for things that suit us too, I have more space, so I have the bigger things. DXP likes the playstation, so he has it there.

Clothes are completely interchangeable, neither of us care who bought what or who has what. And for the things that our boys are attached to (for the next five minutes anyway) they can take what they want, when they want.

Anyway... that's what we do. BUT, I do realise there are no other partners/children to take into account like you have in a blended family.

[Ana Gram]

That's what we do. I don't particularly care if it sounds over the top. Clothes I have bought or my family have bought must come back here, and I send clothes he has bought or his family has bought back there. Same goes for toys. I don't mind if she wants to take something with her but they must come back here.

[Harlequin]

What about other family members who do it?

My mil buys presents and says they're to stay at her place.
I've never really understood it as, if Ava was to go over there, I'd bring her toys along.

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

Okay
We used to let clothes go back and the deal was they would come back to us (otherwise no clothes here) they never did...so we stopped that...I do send them home in what they wear from home...washed and dried of course!
Toys/electronical goods - well mostly they stay here...as they have alot at home these days and we were a bit fed up of sending stuff back and finding out it had been broken/lost or mother had adopted it as hers within days. But I do let them take something back always after Christmas or Birthday...usually not the main present but just something so they feel they have something if you know what I mean...
I also have started sending home clothes that are getting a bit small but will do for the end of seasons, as they are only here every2nd or 3rd weekend and holidays seems silly if they dont get the wear out of them...
My DSS gets a bit upset sometimes, but getting less and less as he gets older and he likes having his special stuff here to play with...my DD is not allowed in their room when they not here so nothing gets ruined.
Just to make the point - they never come with toys or more than the clothes on their back so dont really see we are obliged to send stuff back...
I think it is just really a matter of working out what works...
PunkBaby in your case I think it a bit harsh if she only there 5 times a year...shame they cant send her home with something!

[grass is always greener]

No i dont think its fair, I mean she could bring them home and take them back with her when she goes back there, that way she can get some use out of them.

[tobmac]

OK here goes i hope i dont get shot down.......


Tillieandbug- My dad and stepmum tried to do the thing with clothes that you did but we grew out of them before we got to wear them more than twice and they would get cranky as we hadnt worn them enough. Dont know why that was our fault. And they did this with presents aswell and we didnt use half of them as when we were there we would always have to go somewhere or help with jobs (thats another thread altogether). But mum always still sent us with a bag of clothes and toys anway.

punkbaby- i know its not nice i remember hating my dad and step mum for this and the toys went out of popularity before i played with them. Try not to stress too much hopefully they will realize that they are just sitting there. The thing that i got upset about last christmas was my dad and stepmum gave dd1 some toys i had been given when i was at there place and dd1 turned and said but some of them are new and still inplastic why didnt you play with them and step mum said i wasnt allowed to take them home and dd1 asked why and they couldnt give her an answer??? i think they realized they spent money on stuff that didnt get used.

But if anyone says to me i bought dd1,ds,or dd2 a present but it has to stay at my place then i just say well you are not telling them it is there present and then dictating to them where it is being used tell them i bought some toys for you to play with while you are here.

[punkbaby]

Good to hear others thoughts :) I just think its a little rough not letting her bring one single thing home, even if they let her bring home her diary they buy her or her photo albumn etc. I know they are trying to make their place like home to her so when shes there she is comfy but i still think its a little too much. Maybe they need to explain to her before they give them to her or something and say these are your pressies but they stay here.

I know that sometimes my mum and FIL etc will bring out a gift for the kids (xmas easter bdays etc) but they always have two and say Ok what one do you want to take home as one can stay here for when you visit but you can swap them over etc for next time.

I just think its harsh that they give her things she plays with them for 2 days then doesnt see them again, i guess with clothes, if they want to spend that much on her only to have her wear them once, seeing shes growing so much then thats their loss LOL i buy her new shoes every 6 months so i am sure they have a nice collection of unused shoes :p

No shooting down anyones thoughts here just after others thoughts in general i guess :) I do see where alot are coming from though and i guess i would have a different view if she went there every 2nd weekend as it would be a regular thing

[Mum2Bug]

PB I get where you are coming from. Bug only sees here dad 4-5 times a year so I would be a little upset if they tried to stop her bringing pressies home when she is barely at his house to play with them. Luckily he hasnt tried this yet, and Im hoping he never does.

[0BleSseD0]

Actually we do this with SS.

We did try letting him choose a toy and outfit to go there, but none would come back. If it did (maybe once or twice) it would be thoroughly ruined.

It would be nice to be able to trust his mother and their family, but obviously we cant.

He always comes back in a dirty, faded spiderman suit reeking of pi$$. Every time!!

[pegasus]

What about other family members who do it?

My mil buys presents and says they're to stay at her place.
I've never really understood it as, if Ava was to go over there, I'd bring her toys along.

Funny - I thought only my MIL did this:p (she does this for my two kids - I don't argue the point...)

For my step kids we would do the same as Tillieandbug... - we'd let them take home something, and discuss with them which toy/clothes they'd take.

As they've become older and don't come as often, we let them take more as I don't think it's fair to have them not be able to use their presents.

I went shopping for DSD today for her birthday and bought an electric shaver (wet/dry with attachments for legs/underarms and bikini area), 3singlets (got cheap ones rather than surf type ones which I've done previously (as not sure what she does with clothes these days) and a surf pencil case. She'll be able to take all of these home as I've figured at this age (15th birthday) it's more up to her which clothes she packs and items she uses.

It's changed over the years...

BTW - My MIL had for my son a Wiggles garage and a Thomas train set for Christmas for DS- she kept the garage and a Little People farm set and a Baby born doll with pram for DD - she kept the doll and pram. I'm more peeved about this stuff as the kids spend little time there and when they are there, they are usually there with me and DH, so not playing with these toys...

[Issey]

my DS's father gives next to nothing to his son. i have told him to buy DS things to keep at his house a box of toys etc a BED as I am sick of packing a truck load of things to take there every second weekend. Everything I send comes back (usually unless lost or forgotten and yes somtimes ruined but i send play clothes) i don't think it is fair to my son if he can't take his toys and clothes on an access visit but i expect the stuff to come back here as I have full-time custody so he is only there 2 days a fortnight.

i would think a present means it is just that a present it is yours to do as you please. if it is to be kept at a certain place all the time perhaps it should just be bought for use there and not a present :confused:

[Loopy Linda]

my son's father did this to him for xmas just bfore he turned 4 and 3 months later for his 4th bday present. mind you i always sent a mix of nice and play clothes for him. i would also let him take something if he wanted to, at xmas he had just gotten a bike and i let him take that, as he loved it and wanted toplay with it.

my son came hom upset that hsi things from dad had to stay there and there was also two other kids in the house, so my son saw it as they got to keep his toys! never did find out if other kids broke them or not as a month after his 4th bday dad stopped having him, so in the end he had nothing from his dad for bday or xmas.

i think it is pitiful to do this to a kid. but i can understand if stuff comes back dirty or broken. when my ex did this to our son at my house he was only child and at dads he was middle child of 3. so i don't think they could use the excuse of some toys here for him, or it gets broken at your place etc. some people are just sad really, if you give a child a present it is theirs. they say if they leave or take it with them cause you gave it to them

[Loopy Linda]

i would think a present means it is just that a present it is yours to do as you please. if it is to be kept at a certain place all the time perhaps it should just be bought for use there and not a present.


:yelclap: :thumbsup::iagree:

exactly they can always buy some things to keep there, there is no rule that the only time you can buy your child something is bday or xmas

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

i would think a present means it is just that a present it is yours to do as you please. if it is to be kept at a certain place all the time perhaps it should just be bought for use there and not a present :confused:

I see your point but from the other side of the fence we simply cant afford to buy double(as well as pay the CS)...so either we buy kids clothes and toys that they take home and never come back here to be used and they have no gifts at birthdays/xmas from us OR they stay here and they enjoy and treasure them at our house and have something here when they come which is fairly regularly...they would be stuffed as their mother never sends them with anything as I said before...
I do think that it is mean to with hold the gifts when you never really see the child as in PunkBabys daughters case but I think this subject a bit of a minefield as everyones situation is different and not black and white...

[pegasus]

Definitely a minefield Tillie and Bug - it's why we've had to change how much the kids take home with them over the years as access has changed.

The joy to me is seeing them still play with the same toys we bought them years ago (and enjoy them) yet, we know those same toys would never return if they had been allowed to return home...

I'm totally with the fact that everybody's circumstances are different and the fact is in our situation, it doesn't matter how expensive the article (or how cheap) if the child takes it home then it never comes back and if you ask about it - it's "broken". I'm actually brought "broken" toys and stained clothes (or ones with holes to mend) to fix as my DSK's know I'll make an effort to fix them.

Yes the presents are given to them, but the fact that we've done the same gig over the last 10 years and now we're being brought stuff that's been given to them from the other side of the family to "fix" gives me enough credence to believe that we've instilled the fact that presents don't have to have such a limited "shelf life"

[Lastcenturymum]

I would see a gift as something you give someone you love, WITHOUT conditions attached..'Im giving you this, but you have to do what I say with it.....':confused:

In your case she is old enough to take stuff to play with/use/wear when she goes there.

I think it's controlling behaviour on his part

PS: I'm SO glad the 'real punkbaby' (avatar) is back, I have missed her and your individuality!! ;)

[mellyg]

My XH keeps all the stuff that he buys for the kids at his house which I am cool about as we have so much here already that I would hate to have to find the room for all of the stuff he and his family get them.. Although in saying this they go to stay at his house every second weekend so it is only fair that he wants them to have a nice room each with lots of things to do at his house too.. But in saying this he does not do this to spite us its just so his children are happy at his house.. Sounds like yours may be a little out of spite which i think is unfair then, especially if she is only there 5 times or so each year.. Also my XH does let them bring something if they really want to, I just make sure it gets returned next visit..