Husband issues

[mumtobe72]

Hi,

I am sorry this will be long winded.

I am 19 weeks pregnant with my first child, who was planned and wanted very much. My problem is that my hubby does not seem interested in this pregnancy at all. He says he is and that he just doesn't show excitement like I do which is fair enough, but I did expect interest of some kind. Don't get me wrong, he is a loving, wonderful hubby who I adore... but I am finding myself more and more upset/depressed at his lack of interest.

When our baby kicked for the first time I expected excitement from him... when I told him all he said was "yeah?" That's it. When I told him how it feels etc he just really didn't seem interested. This is the feeling I get whenever I mention anything about bub.

Now in all fairness to him, he has always been scared of having kids (didn't want them at all until he met me) and so I know this is a big adjustment for him and he is not as "into it" as I am, but I kind of hoped he would come around a bit once he saw the bub on ultrasound and knew it was moving etc.

We even went through a hard time a few weeks ago with being told we had high risk for down syndrome and had an amnio. This was an awful time and even though I know he was stressed about it too, his opinion was that if it had DS he didn't want to continue with the pregnancy. It was not so easy for me... I was 90% sure I wanted to continue. All turned out fine but I did think that going through that together would've made him more keen on baby. It was not to be.

I try to get him involved by buying him a no frills easy to understand baby book for blokes... written by a dad... I thought this would help him (and me). Well I am in my 5th month and he has read 4 pages I think, which I had to hassle him to read. I told him it would help him understand what I was going through and so would be helpful to me too.. it made no difference. The book still sits beside the bed, unread. He even says things like "why you so crabby today?" and I reply "if you read the book you would know". I have spoken to him about this and he says all is fine and he just is scared... I do not doubt this but can't he show some interest too? Doesn't he get that it makes me feel like I am doing this alone?

Am I being totally unfair to him? Should I just accept that he will not be excited and leave it alone? I just feel so sad about it sometimes... I just really want to share this wonderful time with him.

Any advice or ideas etc would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks! :confused:

[jacks mum]

:hugs:sorry to hear this but unfortunately I think it's just men. Don't get me wrong, not all men.

When bub arrives it'll be more 'real' for him.

I hope this helps a little

[tiggles]

Hi

Not sure what to say, but thought I would say something.

My DH is the same, and this is our second baby on the way. He has never touched the books I have bought, even though some are very light hearted and quite funny.

He has never touched my tummy, so I don't bother to ask any more...don't get me wrong he is a wonderful partner, just not into babies at all.

He doesn't understand my moodiness and I just want to scream sometimes, "well if you RTFM you might understand" but its not worth the grief.

Anyway I'm not trying to sound negative, its just the way some guys are.

Hope this helps a little.

[4babycinos]

This was my dh for all of my pregnancies :rolleyes:. He loves his kids unconditinally and loved them instantly from the day they were born. He '"cared" through out the pregnancies by attending all the appointments but showed little or no interest in bubs development stages, feeling bubs kicking (refused to touch my belly) or what I was feeling.

By the end of my 2nd pregnancy I had, had enough of feeling like a leper and asked him how he really felt about it (which as you know for men is not an easy thing to do). His response was that it wasnt happening to him he couldnt relate to what I was feeling and even though he cared about what happened to us he just didnt have an interest in what was going on.

I think there are a large group men who are not maternal and just go with the flow but dont show that excitement and interest we do to such an amazing event. I think you dont need to worry your self about this, I'm sure he loves you and the baby but find he cant relate to the baby yet (sometimes men need visuals :rolleyes:) He'll come round when he sees your adorable bubs born.

Just enjoy the rest of your pregnany :)

[kylza]

My dh went through stages of not seeming interested and after a long d & m he admitted its so hard to be as excited as me, cause i'm the one that gets to feel every kick, i'm the one that gets all the attention, i'm the one that everyone cares about, not him. He wasn't jealous he just found it hard to be as excited as me. We get the baby showers and all the compliments the men really get nothing.
I have made sure i have included him in everything, he comes to all my appts, he picked alot of the babys stuff and i let him answer for me when people ask how everything is going. Now with only 3 weeks to go he is sooo excited.
Just cause your DH doesn't seem excited, it doesn't mean he's not. The further along you get the more interested i'm sure he will become. Put yourself in his shoes imagine how you would feel if it were him getting all the attention. And make sure you still have conversations that aren't "baby" talk. I think its harder for them to grasp than you think.
Goodluck with the rest of your pregnancy:flowerz:

[Tina33]

I totally agree with other ladies...once your baby is born he will be totally overwhelmed with awe.:kiss:...don't worry about it too much..it is a huge adjustment time..and he will adjust..he will be soo into your new baby!!:smiliedance::smiliedance::smiliedance:

GOOD LUCK!!:thumbsup:

[mumtobe72]

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I am sure all of you are right and that all will be fine once baby is here... I just really needed to vent as it has been bugging me for a while. I did not want to mention this to family or friends as I didn't want it to seem like I was *****ing about hubby or that he was doing wrong.

He comes to all my appointments too which is wonderful... I am happy he does this as I know friends who have had hubbys who didn't even do this and it was quite disappointing for them.

I guess I just have to accept that he wont be outwardly interested and that come arrival he will be overjoyed.

Thank you all again. :flowerz:

[justmum]

:hugs::hugs::hugs: I agree - it's probably just not very real for him. It's hard for men because it isn't happening to them, they are a bit ore removed from it. For me, my DH was the one who really wanted a baby, but he wasn't that into the pregnancy stuff. He completely changed once DS arrived though and is a complete lovely goof with his son, especially now DS is older, more interactive and is saying "Dadadad" to him all the time. It will be ok. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[gizmoduckus]

I agree with everyone else's replies.

My DH wasn't interested in much when it came to the pregnancy. I think it was because they don't experience the feeling we have when we feel the baby moving around. It is less real for them.

From the second that my DS was born my DH fell madly in love with him. He comments practically every week how much he is amazed by his son. Just thinking about it now, makes me want to cry.

[jag5000]

my DH WAS like that.. tried to get him to feel kicking, read books...etc etc

the things that got him excited were the strangest things that I would never have thought of

I had been buying all bubs stuff myself, but one day we were at big w (we rarely shop together) and I wandered into the baby department... he as usual wasn't interested.. I grabbed a basket and said, go on... pick some stuff out.. he said "really?" .. he didn't think he was allowed to! LOL .. he really got into it (and I had to bite my tounge HARD not to say anythng was wrong, eg, buying lots of t-shirts for a winter bub etc)

other little things that got him excited; - putting in for leave at work - going to a class at the hospital - getting a pram that's very 'manly' and big and practicing pushing it (at high speeds! LOL) - seeing colostrum coming out of my breast!! (he was half fascinated/half grossed out! L)

I would NEVER have thought of these things as "big moments" IYKWIM

I hope you get some moments like this throughout your pregnancy, but even if not, try to remember that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or bub... and come on here and tell us all the tiny exciting details! we'll be excited for you! :)

[clucky07]

:iagree: Hi. Gee I thought I was the only woman in the world to feel like you do! Obviously there are thousands. But when you're there, it feels like you're alone. My DH is very similar to yours. I'm 6 months along with our first baby, and he hasn't felt her kick yet. He's been with me to ultrasounds and most of the other appointments but, like your hubby, he is somewhat detached and distant. Having said that, he's excited (in his own subtle way:eek:) and rubs my tummy often, says things like "how are my girls doing" and stuff like that. It's just that when I feel her kicking, he's not around and when he is, he's not patient enough to wait a few minutes for a kick.

It is frustrating and makes me sad and upset. I know the blokes can't feel anything, and like the other ladies have said, it's not 'real' for them until they see this little wriggly pink bub for the first time and get to hold them. I've got a stack of preg mags and a book he's welcome to read, and he has made some effort to read a few articles.

It seems like it's not real to the guy until the second ultrasound, when he can see the shape of baby's face, the hands and feet, and find out the gender. Yes, there is really another person living inside this swelling belly!!:cloud9:

One thing I've learned, my DH doesn't like to be told to read or do things where the pregnancy is concerned. I tend to leave articles out for him to read at his leisure, (just left around on the table or the bed at the page it's on) like what's happening at this stage in pregnancy, what to expect and articles from other dads 'from the bloke's perspective'. At least he can read them in privacy and I don't hassle him. Maybe try this approach with your DH, see how it goes.

Like everyone says, enjoy your pregnancy! I'm trying to do the same and at times like this it's hard but keep in mind, something beautiful is growing inside you, that you and hubby made together. I think it will finally dawn on him when he meets bub for the first time and falls head over heels in love... I like to think that's how it should be!!! :hugs:

[melbryan]

:hugs:sorry to hear this but unfortunately I think it's just men. Don't get me wrong, not all men.

When bub arrives it'll be more 'real' for him.

I hope this helps a little

I have to agree to me most men I know are like this, I wish my Dh wasn't but honestly he is at least I had enough excitement for both of us. My Dh is more hands on from 2 yrs and up.

[Cordelia]

This is men. Sorry - but it's the truth. Generally speaking, they dont feel the pregnancy until they actually see their kid and..

that, for me, was the most amazing experience of my life seeing DH holding our little girl. His whole face was shining.. tears in his eyes. I have never seen anything so beautiful. He didn't show a huge amount of interest during the pregnancy but this moment was worth way more than that. I am getting goosebumps just typing abotu it.

PS just wanted to add - dont push him about it - let him come to terms with parenthood in his own way. Pushing him will just make it worse. be gentle on him and more gentle on yourself! Enjoy it!

[Nozzy]

I heard a story once about a guy not "bonding" with the belly, so someone suggested they find out the sex of the baby so that he could relate more to the child :)