Pstd/pnd?

[naiwen]

Hello there,
I am posting this because although I act as though I am fine I am really not. To start from the beggining I beleive I had Ante-natal depression. While I was pregnant from about 20 weeks I started to get extreem mood swings to the point where I would contemplate self harm. Coincidentaly that is the point in my pregnancy where I started to get sick.
After a number of hospitalisations my son was delivered by emergency C-section at 30 weeks. He weighed just 845g and could not breath. My liver was failing as a result of pregnancy complications. From the time he was born I have felt as though if he dies I will take my life as well. I know that may sound irrational too others but it makes perfect sense too me. He came home after 10 weeks in hospital and has had numerous re admissions. I was diagnosed with PND when he was 8 weeks old and his lung collapsed. I took Zoloft until about 4 months ago when I stopped. I have been managing since then but I keep having dreams where he has died, irrational moments of terror or panic when I am convinced he has stopped breathing. And each time he is re admitted (11 times since 1st discharge) I am finding it harder and harder to cope.
I realise I have many things to be thankfull for but some days I am just in a daze.
Sorry for the long post and I hope it made sense.

[drshari]

Dear Naiwen
Thank you for your brave post. The transition into motherhood is difficult for many of us. I believe that if everyone was honest we would all say that there was/is something that has been hard to adjust to. And you have so many extra things to deal with on top of this transition, I am not surprised that you are feeling as though you are not coping. However, the fact is that you are. You are coping well enough to put together a coherent post, to get your darling son the medical care he needs and then there's all the countless things you do during the day to ensure he and you are healthy and safe.
Your thoughts, dreams and feelings represent your interpretation of all that is happening in your life and given that you are also going through postnatal depression on top of your son's medical concerns the dreams and thoughts you describe are not at all surprising, and even common in these situations (and in women dealing with less than you).
I hope that you have lots of support, from your partner, your mum, family and close friends - allow these people to help you and connect with them as much as possible. Talk with them, open up and let it all out, you don't have to carry it all around inside. If you feel able, a psychologist who uses CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) would be very helpful to you. Go to BirthSkills.com.au to find out more info on PND and email me if you would like help finding a psych to work with.
best wishes
Shari :hugs: