Taking the plunge?

[Widget]

I'm a little scattered and lost for words, so here are some snippets from my head...

How hard is it to decide not to be in a relationship anymore?

I know I'm not happy here, and I don't want my girls to think it's okay to stay for the kids...

The girls love him SO much...

He doesn't want to give up on "us" but I think I already have, I did 5 years ago...

I was too scared to be on my own back then and now I'm terrified of being a single Mummy... It's not just ME anymore...

What do I do if he fights for custody??

Is it possible for him to be completely involved in their lives without living with us and it being uncomfortable for us to be around each other?

Financially I know I'll find a way to do it, I've already worked out a budget based on c/link calculators...

Why am I feeling like the bad guy for not being happy here??

HOW do I take the step and know it's the right one??

I know I have more, but am in tears yet again and need a smoke to calm down again...

If being a single mummy isn't what me and the girls need, how do I get our relationship back??? It's been gone for so long now...

I have to go now... :( :crying:


Is it just my hormones going nuts still??

[mrsdlc2007]

Well V where do I start... As you know I have been there and done that. And I am forever grateful for taking that plunge when I did otherwise I would of still been in a loveless relationship and would never of found true happiness.

I dont think it is right to stay with someone "just for the kids" your kids will see through it and later blame themselves for you not being happy. You 2 will never be the "loving role models" for the girls. They will then grow up to think that it is ok to stay in a loveless relationship just cause you have children. Patterns generally repeat themselves.

If he didnt want to give up on "you" then he would of made the effort 5 years ago. He hasnt changed for you yet so what makes you think he ever will.

Being a single mum does sound scary but in the end you will be a happier person and the kids will appreciate you for that.

When and if he fights you for custody you be reasonable with him and he should be ok with it. What I mean by this if you said no you cant see the girls then he would fight harder, but if you say to him, hey you can have them every second weekend half the school holidays and even if you want to take them to the park one afternoon I am more than happy for this to happen. He would probably agree to this. (i did say probably)

It is possible for him to be completely involved in there lives if that is what you both want. Tell him when all school activities are on (when they reach that age) dont ever keep anything regarding the girls away from him. You would rather be on good terms then bad ones, especially when it comes to important events ie wedding, birthdays etc.

You will find a way to support your girls financially. Centrelink really does give out quite a bit of money for single parents. You make do and really at the end of the day are you really going to be worse off then what you are now???

You are probably feeling like the bad guy as you think you are breaking up the "ideal family" but as I have previously stated why stay in a relationship if you are not happy.

Taking the first step is the only thing you need to work out for yourself. It is hard and there will be times when you think it might be easier just to stay, but I think doing it at a time when you are both calm and not fighting and just letting him know exaclty the way you feel. Be strong and dont let him talk you into doing anything that you dont want to do.

If you really want the relationship back you would of started working on it already. If that is what you really do want in the end, then do different things to help salvage the relationship. Go see a counciller, find means that work for both of you.

In the end it may still be your hormones playing tricks on you, maybe even a bit of post natal depression... Whatever it is you need to be honest with him and yourself. And as you have said, it has been like this for quite some time and its not new feelings...

I hope this has answered a few of your questions. You can take whichever parts or all of this advice. Just do what is in your heart and things will always work out for the best.

I love ya V and I am always here for you...

Amanda :flowerz:

[Widget]

So, the bit I'm having the most problems with is the one that I have to choose on my own... I know, it's just so hard to do it... What if we are meant to be together (not for the girls) and we go and it's the worst thing...

He says he'll fight me all the way for DD1 and I told him I wouldn't have my children seperated and he said then we have to make it work, failure isn't an option... I don't see it as failure though.

I've always said that I don't want my children to grow up in a broken home as I had a hard time with it myself... I don't know personally what it's like when your parents stay together just coz... My parents splitting put my brother and I on different wave lenghts and we became very distant to each other - still don't talk actually...

I think he's home, better get out of this thread for now...

[Mum2Bug]

Im a single parent and Im also from a broken home. I grew up knowing that my parents were only together because of us kids, it was hell watching my mum be so unhappy with my dad but not wanting to leave until we were older. In the end we all grew up very distant from each other, going our own way as soon as we could. Its not a life i recommend and it is one of the main reasons I left my own relationship when I realised that I was intending staying with a man i didnt love for our daughters sake.

Please take care of yourself. It is a very stressful time for you:hugs::hugs:

[Widget]

Oh, can't someone take over my body for a week or so and take the plunge for me?? This is the bit I've been having trouble with for about 4 years now...

Also, what if this is just the 7 year itch? Not married but we've been together for 7 years come ANZAC Day...

[SweetSerenity]

Hey hun :hugs:

I really don't know to say. I just feel so horrible for you at this point.

I've been through the whole heart wrenching decision of how to end my marriage/relationship and it definitely was the second hardest decision in my life (number one was when I fell pregnant).

If you ever want to meet up for a coffee or anything to chat and just vent, I'd be more than happy to meet you :hugs:

Sending you lots of love, strength and hugs :hugs:

Nat xxx

[Mum2Tyla]

It is hard I wont lie to you but it is better to be from a broken home than to be in one, kids are alot smarter than we give them vredit for, i am amicable with my ex he is ver yinvolved in our daughters life he has her 3 nights a week and is involved in all decisions regarding her, he is threatening you with trying to get your son becuase he knows it works, he will not get your son he will get shrared custody but he wont be able to take him off you, unless there is issues of abuse etc and even then they try to keep the kids together and seeing both parents, i think you know you need to go it is jsut taking that step, you will have good days and bad days, make sure you surround yourself with positive people who wil support your decision and help keep you going in the right direction when you think about gonig back because you will, i ma slowly learning to move on and realise thingsa are over with my ex and i am starting to enjoy being single there are days i still shed a tear for what was and what could of been but most of the time, I am proud of myself for taking the step to give my daughter and I a happy Life. Good luck :kiss::hugs:
Kelly

[Widget]

3 days a week, I like that over every second weekend and half holidays!! When Becca's a bit older or at least in a routine... He's right feeding Annabelle but seems to always find the dummy instead of bottle for Becca - that's right, he hasn't fed her yet - well once but at 5am, you know thats what she wants!!

Must away, the toddler has found me LOL

[Mum2Tyla]

I wish I could be more help in making the decision but at the end of the day you will know what is right for you and your girls, it is har dand lonely being a single mum but I am happier now that I was being with her dad, I never thought I would be a single mum of a 2 year old at 35 years of age but life doesnt always go according to plan, financially things are tough but i ahve great friends and a fantastic family and my ex can be a pain but he does always pay his maintenance on time. Sit down when you get a chance and do a pro's and con's list I did this a few months ago as I was lonely and a bit depressed and was thinking about trying one more time to make things work and when i put it all down in black and white the cons far outweighed the pro's. Good luck with whatever path you choose.
Kelly:)

[Issey]

i don't know your background but i guess i would always suggest counselling first then you know you have tried everything to make it work and identify why you are unhappy.

for me the decision was a long process probably 3+ years, i am much happier as a single mum as my relationship was awful.

at the end of the day you need to be happy

[Allanah]

It took me over 3 years to finally leave for good too. I guess there just comes a point when u snap..well it did for me.

It is a very long and horrible battle.

My only advice is to make sure you have talked this out with your man first and do try some councelling. Your GP can give u a referral so that medicare will cover most of it.
We tried councelling, it didnt work for US, but i continued seeing our psych by myself and she gave me courage to leave him.

Goodluck hunny. It is a REALLY tough time and you will do a lot more crying yet, but keep venting on here, it helps!

[haydens#1mum]

Hi :wave:
I'm actually only a few steps ahead of where you are at the moment. I told my ex in december that i didnt think i was in love with him, but said that i would try to work things out. I'm in counselling, which helped me to realise that I dont love him, and that this relationship is what I want anymore. Its not an easy decision to make, expecially with kids so young, but if its not what you want than you need to do it. I wished someone could tell me what to do, I even wished someone could do it for me, but they cant and I did it. Its not going to be easy for anyone, you, the kids, him or family. Its going to hurt him and hell probably want to know if he can fix things, try councelling, anything to keep you from leaving. This is the time when you need to be strong, to know that what you are doing is right for you.
think about this, "How would you feel if he started dating or having sex with someone else?"
The counsellor asked me that, and my answer was that it wouldnt bother me, Id be happy that he was moving on. (Which isnt the case yet!) depending on your answer it would show whether or not you still have feelings for that person or not.
But in the end you have to do what is right for you and what makes you happiest. Because if your happy, your kids are happy, whether you are in a relationship with their dad or not. Its not fair on you or him, if you stay because he wants you to or because you think itll be better for the kids to have two parents together than apart. Its not, if your unhappyness shows through.
Just focus on what you want and what will make you happiest. If the 2 of you are meant to be together than a seperation wont stop that.
If you want to talk or anything pm me anytime. :yes: Good luck :hugs:

[Widget]

Holy cow... My answer to that has always been the same - don't come home...

Sometimes I wish I could bust him seeing someone else coz it'd make it SO much easier!!

I'm not going to go into detail on my situation on the open forums which I think is understandable...

I'd like to reply more but the toddler calls from her cot...

[KapowSchazam]

Hey V...finally found your thread ;)

Quickly before I get attacked again by the little one...

You know my situation, you were there for me when I was going through it.

As I told you on the phone before, I had been asking (or perhaps it could be said telling) him to leave for a couple of months beforehand. I knew I didn't love him anymore deep down inside, even though I didn't realise the extent of it until a few days after we'd separated.

The thing that finally got him to go (I was refusing to leave the family home as I was the one looking after our daughter, I'd asked him to go back to his parent, but I think his pride was what was stopping him) was when I was so scared for mine and Bianca's safety that I called the police on him. And he only left then because that hurt his 'manly-pride' much more than going back to his mummy :p

I was sad for about 2 days, but I wonder now if it was more the fact that my marriage had ended/failed than it was the actual split-up itself???

Since I have managed to reconnect with myself and I can see that I had actually stopped loving him much longer than I realised. I actually also let myself accept that if it hadn't been for Bianca, I would have left him in Jan 06...so for a while, I did try to make it work for our daughter (even before she was born). I know that I did all that I could to make it work, and I can hold my head up high for that. When B asks about why we're not together, I can honestly tell her that.

On a MUCH happier note...it's under two months until D-DAY (:smiliedance:) so I really need to look into all of the legal aspects of divorce and how to get more of the marital assets or whatever you call it...I guess I should give Legal Aid a call :D

Good luck with whichever decision you feel is the right one for you and your girls :)

[Myztik]

pretty sure you're entitled to 70% or something like that Nay :yes:

V just wanted to give ya a :hugs:

[KapowSchazam]

pretty sure you're entitled to 70% or something like that Nay :yes:

*rubs hands together gleefully*

[Widget]

It's hard coz the main problem we have I let happen and it's been going on for near 5 years now... He's sort of trying to work on it, but it seems to be really hard for him...

It was going to be splits-ville back in 05 after I developed feelings for another guy online (stupid I know) but he asked for one month to make it all better... I fell pregnant that month and I guess it didn't cross my mind again until after DD1 was born... Then it's hard to say that it's not just my hormones playing up on me...

Way back all those years ago I even thought then that the relationship was just for convenience and that I was too scared to go it alone - and I didn't have children then!!

Anyway, baby needs a bottle and my father just got the toddler out of bed when she's supposed to be having a nap!!

Must away for now...

[haydens#1mum]

The thing with couples counselling is that it only works, if you really want to fix the relationship. Individual counselling maybe would help, if your unsure as to what you really want to do and give to ways to handle and deal with what might or will happen.
I already knew what I wanted and going to the counsellor only heightened that fact. I tried 1 session of couples councelling, but as I was at the stage where i didnt want to work on the relationship, it was pointless really.
But in the end you have to do what works for you, and if counselling helps (either single or couples) then go for it, I have a friend who has been through the same thing and the ladies on here are great listeners and not to shabby on the advice and they have also been through similiar things so that helps too.
It all comes down to what is best for you in the long run and what will make you happiest. Just dont push how you feel aside, because then youll end up feeling resentful! If you dont already.
good luck:hugs:

[Widget]

We had a talk tonight and decided we will try a councelor... He was thinking if it isn't working, that we can sleep in separate beds so that he isn't ripped away from his children (he really does love them to bits and doesn't want to lose them or me). So for now, we'll see what happens...

Thanks for the advice ladies, I'll probably be back here again... knowing me...