Husbands/partners

[mandamum]

Hi everyone. I thought I'd start up a conversation about how our husbands/partners are handling the news and talk about issues we're facing.

My husband for one couldn't be less supportive. He freaked out when we found out I was pregnant and told me I pressured him in to having a baby (we were trying for one!) and he's not ready to be a father. All things he should have mentioned a long time ago. Before we got married (last April) while we were dating we agreed on being pregnant in our first year of marriage - and now he changes his mind.
I feel so lost and hurt.

[Tina33]

Wow!! So sorry to hear that:no:..he will be soo different when your baby arrives..It soo hard for your DH to know how you are feeling..My husband has been excited each time I have fallen pregnant..but he loves it more when he can physically hold them:smiliedance:..They don't get to feel the baby move etc..

As your pregnancy goes along he will get used to it..

[Ffrenchstar]

:hugs: I agree, this is probably his way of reacting to it...by freaking out a little....he will change as time goes by and he will so fall in love with your bubba when it is born and even when he hears the heartbeat or sees the ultrsound:flowerz:

My hubby is great.....but we are used to no sleep so one more wont change things much:laughing:

[*Chels*]

:hugs:I am so sorry!Like the other girls have said,hes obviously a bit freaked out by it all.
Altho we do all the work(preg,labour etc)its hard for guys too.Also the pressure of supporting a family must be alot to carry on their shoulders.
I am sure with time he will come round:hugs:Maybe you should get him some books about becoming a father so he can get excited about the idea?
My DH is happy and excited-but nowhere near as much as me!Its always so much easier for us girls to bond with our babies,coz we carry them.

[mum2ethan]

Hi mandamum,
Dont worry my partner was exactly the same, we were TRYING for a baby and when i told him the news he started freaking out and being an a$$hole for about 2 days (he did the same when i told him i was preg with DS but that was a suprise) so i sat him down and gave him the biggest blasting of his life telling him that this was OUR decision and that he WANTED to try for a baby so what was his Beeping problem???? :laughing: i was so mad at him :banghead: especially when he turned around and said the only reason he agreed to it was for the loving!! So i walked out and went to a friends house for a few days to make him think about what the beep he just said to me...
Well did that scare the beep out of him!!! he has been sucking up ever since :D
But i just think its a typical male response and now he is over the moon about it, being really sweet and supportive, i think they just need a while to adjust to the news
I know how you feel and it sucks so great big :hugs:'s for you hope everything settles down soon

[Twiglet]

I think it’s a boy thing.

Even thou my hubby is over the moon that we are expecting he has freaked a little about the fact that our lives will no longer just be about us. As a result he's gone on a little wild mental trip the last 2 weeks. Staying out late with the lads etc. :party: Sunday he apologised and told me why he was acting the way he was (which I already knew). To be perfectly honest I don't mind. At least he's getting it out of his system now and not when the baby is her. Hell to tell the truth I'd be doing the same if I wasn't so dam tired and could drink. LOL

Give him time and he will come round :hugs:

[mandamum]

Hi mandamum,
Dont worry my partner was exactly the same, we were TRYING for a baby and when i told him the news he started freaking out and being an a$$hole for about 2 days (he did the same when i told him i was preg with DS but that was a suprise) so i sat him down and gave him the biggest blasting of his life telling him that this was OUR decision and that he WANTED to try for a baby so what was his Beeping problem???? :laughing: i was so mad at him :banghead: especially when he turned around and said the only reason he agreed to it was for the loving!! So i walked out and went to a friends house for a few days to make him think about what the beep he just said to me...
Well did that scare the beep out of him!!! he has been sucking up ever since :D
But i just think its a typical male response and now he is over the moon about it, being really sweet and supportive, i think they just need a while to adjust to the news
I know how you feel and it sucks so great big :hugs:'s for you hope everything settles down soon

This is exactly what he is doing! I honestly thought he'd be wrapped. He loves kids!
I think I'm going to stay at my parents house for the rest of the week and see how things go from there.
Thanks for your support girls. I'm sure everything will be fine. I'm definately not staying quiet about how I feel about his behaviour. It just sucks that at this most joyous and exciting time I'm feeling so depressed.
I tried talking to my mum about it, but she doesn't want to say anything to get in the middle of it. She doesn't have the highest opinion of him in the first place.

oh well...
Thanks for listening everyone. I feel a little better after talking about it :)

[mum2ethan]

Mandamum,
I stayed quiet last time he did it and didnt say much to him just let him get over the shock of things (i was doing the same!:laughing:) but i just couldnt listen to it again, especially since he knew that this would be coming one day!! ahhh males (by the way he also has a 9 year old son and he did the exact same thing when they found out, so you would think he would be use to it by now :laughing:)
I know what you mean about it being a joyous time and you feeling so down, but i knew it would all be fine in the end and to keep my chin up, so please do the same i know its hard, but he will feel like a complete fool when it all sinks in and then let the sucking up begin!! :laughing:
Just pm me if you ever need to talk, wishing you the best and everything will work out just give it a bit of time :hugs::kiss:

[farmmummy]

I can kinda relate. After jack died he didn't want any more but we compramised I said that if I don't fall again by the time I'm 30 (next year) I won't ttc any more. He knew we were trying and then I fell prengant with this one and he was slightly funny about it. I know he is worrying about me and loosing bub again and the fact that I haven't worked since last September and would be off for at least another 18months. But I've applied for a job that will get me to September this year and it's all sorting it's self out. You know when I had my first scan we went and had lunch and I got the money back from Medicare and then we were about 3/4 of the way back to where he is working when he asked if everything is okay with the bub. I guess in his way he is really freaking out about losing another baby. I guess my paranoia about having a mc even tho I've never had one before isn't helping.

[shannysmum]

mandamum,
my dh and i were in EXACTLY the same situation as you. planned to get married and once married ttc straight up, well we expected it to take about 6 months, but 1 month later the two lines were there....woha, what a surprise. dh was excited, but he also lost it big time....and i mean big time. he was very naughty. it even went on for a bit after ds was born, but finally he seemed to have a reality check and all is well now and have another on the way. i think its just very hard for the men, and they dont have the skills of thinking its not necessary easy for us either. but they do come around, just be patient. their independance is being taken from them in their mind i think. they have to share and its not all about them.

[Shera]

Dear Mandamum
I totally sympathise with you & think that your hubby needs a big wake up call.
I understand what it is like to not have a supportive partner throughout pregnancy as it has happened to me twice now, once with my DD & once with my DS. My fiancee & I have been together for almost 11 years & have 1 child together my DS who is 5, we also have 1 child each from previous relationships 2x DD. However, when my fiancee found out I was pregnant with our DS he was so angry & he left me for several months but came back full of regret toward the end of the pregnancy. I was so distraught by the lack of support that it made me very cynical about whether we could continue our relationship.
It took a lot of time for me to heal from this rejection as I saw it being a rejection of me & my DD & DS, however, he has since proven that he is a loving, caring partner & father & is ashamed of his previous behavior (he is over the moon about our new surprise pregnancy). His explanation for it was that he was confused & scared about the responsibilities involved in being a parent, your life inevitably changes with each child (this is no excuse) but hopefully it will shed some light on what your husband may be feeling. However, his behavior is selfish & he needs to understand the potential consequences of his actions & you not being there for him is a good start.
I wish you all the best & hope that this situation can be turned into a positive. :hugs:
Emily.
DF - 37
Me - 32
DD- 13
DSD - 11
DS - 5
Due 5/10/08

[PinkLily]

My hubby lost the plot a bit too with our first pregancy, but wasn't too bad as DS wasn't planned, so a surprise for both of us. As I got more noticably pregnant he got more excited, expecially when he came to the ultrasound and could see him. Men don't have the physical changes that women do, so they're minds take a bit of adjusting...

This time around we planned the pregnancy and he's now throwing replies at me like "you're the one who wanted to get pregnant". And DS's birth was a bit traumatic and long, so DH is TELLING me that I'm having drugs early this time cos he doesn't want to see me going through that again - or else he didn't wanna be there! I was soo mad :mad: I understand where he is coming from, but he also needs to understand why I rather have a natural birth - to give the bub the best start to life. Not to mention the fact that it's MY body so is MY decision what I do to it. A much better approach from him would've been to ASK what I wanted and him then voice his concerns... But of course I will still be open to intervention if I need it! I'm sure he'll get over it and see sense :p

[CraigS]

I'm handling it ok :)

Craig (a DH)

[Twiglet]

Nice to hear CraigS :yelclap::yelclap::yelclap:

[CraigS]

Actually I lied, it's been very stressful. My DW had a missed miscarriage last year. This time around has been the most anxious time I think either of us have ever experienced.

We had a scan today, which we both worried ourselves sick over. We only found out about the miscarriage when we went for our first scan last year.

So we both now fear the scans. For the past 2 days we have been making ourselves sick with worry over todays scan. Especially as her MS has started to fade. Her MS was my only sign that everything was going ok.

When the Dr said everything was looking fine and we even got to see the little one jumping around, my wife and I both had a little cry from relief.

Our Dr didn't seem too fazed by it. He said we had to relax. When we had the miscarriage he told me that I had to be strong for a bit because everyone forgets the man when these things happen. I thought waiting while my wife had the D&C was hard, it was nothing compared to my feelings when I was comforting her afterwards. She was so distraught and there seemed to be nothing I could do for her.

But now we are having our second go. We are further along then before and everything is going ok. So I'd like to think I'm handling it ok.

Now I have to go and make my sweetheart her dinner. A special lamb stir fry. Without the lamb because she has developed an aversion to some meats this time around :) Sometimes I think she is making these things up :valentine:


Craig.

[farmmummy]

CraigS :yelclap::yelclap::yelclap: You don't know how refreshing it is for me to hear the males side of the mc story. I know my DH hasn't recovered like he says he has after we lost our son 3 days after he was born last year but I'm glad you can get on and express yourself so beautifully and you are so supportive. Damn hormones are off on their own again. :hugs: to you and your lovley wife. and I'll keep :fingerscrossed: for you both.

[~*clairesmum*~]

:iagree: with most of the girls

scott was the same we were trying n when i told him he freak out n everyone keep telling me that it was my fault n scott only ever wanted one child etc.... hes excited now lol things will come good

[Twiglet]

WOW its so nice to hear a man's story. With all the changes that are happening to our bodies sometimes its easy to put our partner's feelings to one side.

Thanks Craig. Hubby and I talked about it this evening. Although I didn't get dinner cooked for me he has done all the washing.

[nick's mum]

My husband for one couldn't be less supportive. He freaked out when we found out I was pregnant and told me I pressured him in to having a baby (we were trying for one!) and he's not ready to be a father. All things he should have mentioned a long time ago. Before we got married (last April) while we were dating we agreed on being pregnant in our first year of marriage - and now he changes his mind.
I feel so lost and hurt.

Hi Mandamum - I feel really bad for you and hope things work out. Try and involve him and get him excited about it. I know it's hard. I had a very bad experience which I won't go into as I'm sure it won't be the case with you. My only advice is to involve him and let him know you need him - especially if you are sick and even more so when the baby is born. Try and be assertive and ask for what you need. His reaction is his choice and remind him he can choose to be supportive as you were both involved in the 'making'.

[mandamum]

Well - I've been staying at my parents house (thus the absence of me on here)
I feel a lot stronger about things. I'm choosing to be strong and not stress over things for the sake of my baby.
We had an information session at the hospital tonight which he rescheduled for me. We showed up and it turns out he got the time wrong and we missed it. It's just one more thing...I'm trying not to stress, we can go to another session, it's just very frustrating.
Thanks for sharing experiences. I'm sure he'll eventually come around, we just don't like each other very much right now. I've even got him sleeping on the couch (a small bit of revenge on my part :) )

Thanks again :)

[KrissyM]

wow after reading your stories I have a new found apprecitaion of DP. Our bubs is extremely unplanned, hed only just moved in with me and I was heading for Europe for 6 weeks of xmas. When I found out I cried for 2 days. I dont think DP had a chance to freak out or be a prat over it, he had to be strong for me cause I was losing the plot. I dont like change or anything that comes from left field. I dont know how I would have gotten through the last 6 weeks with out him. My heart goes out to all you ladies whos DH/P's aren't being as supportive as you'd like/need and I really hope things improve, . I think in my situation its the other way around, I'm the one not coping or being supportive but I'm calming down now and am even excited some of the time. I guess we all react in different ways, some not so helpful.

[kirra]

My hubby is great at the scans gets very excited and teary but helping with the pram out of the car or little things like that he tends to forget that I am preg he really does forget, don't worry I bloody remind him :D. I think he doesn't know how to react as he is on tenderhooks with my moods all the time so he just goes to work (which he hates at the moment does take up a lot of his time at work and at home) and comes home. He is very happy though. He was asking for us to start trying 1.5 months after liam was born.

[kas3]

DH has been great. In some ways I think he's more excited than I am LOL. Because we had a miscarriage last year, we've both been pretty stressed. He was constantly asking me about symptoms - very happy man when I was ms, could have clobbered him! Drove me a bit batty, but it made sense - it was the only way he could feel confident that the pregnancy is progressing. The funny thing is that he's never shown that much interest in other people's kids, but he's really looking forward to having our own. I know it's not the same, but he's like that with our dogs too. Loves our two, but he's not that bothered with other people's. I'm very lucky to have him :flowerz:

[84zsazsa]

:wave:Hi all,

I'm also sorry to all the ladies with non supportive partners. :hugs:It's hard being pregnant.....the worry, the shock, the changes....etc.

I was pregnant once with my first partner and being 17 and just losing my mum allowed him to pressure me to have an abortion.

My current husband is beautiful!!! Most days he is more excited then myself. He wants to know every little detail and can't keep his hands off my belly. Strangly too i think he actually finds me sexier?? Explain that one!! Lol.


:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: again to all of you that aren't getting the support. I think it terrifies alot of men.


Danni

[kady1978]

All the best mandamum, I am sure he'll come around.

I had a few issues with my other half. We had only been together for 1 1/2 years when I got pregnant (note: he knew I wasn't on the pill and it could happen as I was having issues with the pill, and he didn't ever want to use protection.) For the first few weeks we sat down and discussed it and decided TOGETHER to go ahead with having the baby.

Having said that when the baby isn't happy or prohibits him from doing something he pipes up and says "you're the one that wanted her!" Oh does he make me so so angry. It takes two to tango!!

But when it comes down to it he is a fantastic father. I couldn't have asked for better support during the birth, and he is so great with her about 98% of the time... especially now she's getting a bit older. He found it hard to bond with her as she was different from his sons (they are 8 & 9 now) as she is breast fed as his sons were bottle fed, and he found he could help out more.

[mandamum]

I thought I'd give you all a quick update on how things are going.
DH and I were on the point of divorce. I'd had enough of his selfishness and was very hurt. He did something that really hurt me (which I won't get into here) and that was my breaking point. Thiings were thrown, words were tossed about. It got ugly. And he slept on the couch for about two weeks.
I was sullen and kept to myself, I didn't talk to anyone about it at all - it was just too raw.
Then slowly I started to think about things and realised that my baby was coming into this world and needed its daddy to be there. I didn't want my baby to be growing up with me hating their father. I decided we should try to mend things.
I sat him down to talk. I think he expected another brawl and immediately got on the defensive, saying how much I'd hurt him, how he needs time away from me etc...
I just looked at him and said "can you forgive me for the horrible things I've said and done to you" the look on his face was priceless! I explained how I felt we owed this baby more, that we needed to be adults about the situation and try to mend things. I asked him to forgive me, and told him that I forgave him for the hurtful things he'd done to me.
It was the beginning of the mending of our relationship. Now a week or so on he's being so much more loving and attentive. Every now and then that ugly head rears up and I pull him down and give him a glare and ask him what the hell he's doing.
I think we'll be ok now. I've learnt that we need to communicate a lot more and be completely honest about how we feel.
Thanks for all the support, it made me feel not so lonely in the loneliest time in my life.

[PinkLily]

Happy to hear that things are looking up for you now mandamum. Hope the improvements keep coming :hugs:

[intoxicated]

it's so great to hear that things are improving for you mandamum. good on you for being so adult about the situation :yelclap: hope it'll keep getting better and better :hugs:

[Twiglet]

OK question. When you become pregnant and you both want the baby do yoy think that your partner shoudl also start to clena up his act?

Mine seems to be drinking more, smoking more etc etc..... live dose not and seems will not change for him

[PinkLily]

Hello Twiglet :)
My husband was pretty much the same with my first pregnancy. Even though he was really pleased that we were having a baby, he still kind of felt that he was going to loose his freedom and all the good times and things that he enjoys. He went through a stage of wanting to go out alot (which we weren't doing alot of before I was pregnant anyway!), which only lasted for a short time during the pregnancy.
I think for some men this is how they deal with their changing emotions, etc. As long as it's not too extreme, and they eventually come around, then we need to be a little patient - although it's very hard to think that at the time when you are just soo frustrated and you want to wring their neck :p We women often need to change our lifestyles immediately when we become pregnant, but men seem to take a while to catch up!

Once bub was born though everything changed with his outlook. He WANTED to be home and try to quit smoking. He realised that it wasn't the end of his good times, but just the beginning of something soo much better. And we still occasionally go out and have fun times as a 'couple'.

I'm sure your partner will eventually see the light too :hugs: