I don't want my husband's kids full-time!

[siansmum]

My husband has two daughters who are 11 and 13. We also have a 18 month old daughter. His two girls come and stay with us every Tues and Thurs night and every alternate weekend. They also spend half of every school holidays with us. Their mother has just informed us that she is finishing work in two weeks and is going to prepare her house to go on the market by June because she wants to move to the country and buy a B&B.
I know that my husband wants the girls to come and live with us full-time, and I know that he will fight for them, although I don't think she'll put up a fight really. I think she'll be more than happy for us to have them. She has said the girls don't want to leave their friends and our family (I know that they mean their dad and their half sister), so I'm tipping that if they don't want to go with her, they'll want to come here full-time.
I am so upset because I don't want them here ull-time. When I married my husband 3 years ago, the arrangement was that theyspend 50% of the time with us, not 100%, and had I known that this was going to be tha case, I wouldn't have married him. I love him, but I don't love his kids and I don't want to care for them full-time. I have told him that his life isn't going to change, except that he won't be paying child support and they'll be here each night when he comes home from work. I'm the one whose life is going to change - my work load is going to increase (they are so lazy and do nothing to help me and when I try to get them to help out, he tells me that I'm being hard on them and sides with the kids). I'm going to lose my independence (I don't want to have to stay home and look after them when they're sick or have a Curriculum Day. And why should I have to cancel my daughter's activities to care for someone else's children?!). I know I may sound selfish to some people, but I'm 38 and have waited a long time to have a child of my own (and I would like another baby, but I don't know if I could cope with 4 kids), and I'm enjoying doing all the things that a first time mum does and I'm not ready to take on the responsibility of two teeneagers full-time.
I know I could leave the marriage, but the main reason I would stay is that it would absolutely kill me to have to hand my daughter over every second weekend to her dad and be without her - I just couldn't do it.
Please, are any of you in this position? How have you handled it all???

[Mum2Bug]

Im sorry you are finding this really hard to deal with. I can understand that you are enjoying your life as a new mum, it is just a wonderful time, but marrying into a blended type family situation means that you have to take everything into account. When you married your husband, did you consider at all that if anything was to happen to the kids mother that you would have full care of them anyway?? This is not that much a different situation from what I can see.

Good luck for the future. It is going to be a long, hard road to follow and you have some big chats coming up with your husband that could very well unsettle your marriage.:hugs:

[Ffrenchknickers]

Wow, I am sorry but I actually feel really sorry for these girls:( Being a teen or upcoming teen is hard enough in the best of situations but when their own mather would happily give them up and you dont want them either, well....

I think adults have the responsibility to make sure children grow up right....sorry, I probably shouldn't have replied but your post has made me really sad for these girls. Someone needs to love them and look after them....they are children.

[Lila]

Wow, I am sorry but I actually feel really sorry for these girls:( Being a teen or upcoming teen is hard enough in the best of situations but when their own mather would happily give them up and you dont want them either, well....

I think adults have the responsibility to make sure children grow up right....sorry, I probably shouldn't have replied but your post has made me really sad for these girls. Someone needs to love them and look after them....they are children.

i am with ffrenchstar here....

i DO have older kids (10 and 9) and when i imagine them having to go through this, i must admit i feel very, very sad/ probably sick to be honest.
of course, i totally get YOUR point, but then- they are his girls and he loves them as much as your girl. so imagine him giving up YOUR little girl, that couldn't be right, could it.
you dh is in a horrible situation right now. he knows you point of view, and his ex's AND there are this girls...just standing there and waiting for someone wanting them!

xoxoxoxox

[sunnyflower]

I can see your point siansmum.

Although yes,you did know your husband had children before you married him,you obviously didn't count of having them full time.

I don't think i would want to raise someone else's kids either.I don't think you are selfish.It would be stressful doing this and as you said,you don't love them.

Why doesn't the mother want her own kids?

I think you need to seriously discuss this with your husband as this is your life too.

[Bree3]

Wow, I am sorry but I actually feel really sorry for these girls:( Being a teen or upcoming teen is hard enough in the best of situations but when their own mather would happily give them up and you dont want them either, well....

I think adults have the responsibility to make sure children grow up right....sorry, I probably shouldn't have replied but your post has made me really sad for these girls. Someone needs to love them and look after them....they are children.

:iagree:

[M O P]

I understand why you'd feel upset about this but it hasn't happened yet and your husband really should talk it through fully with you if it does-
make sure you tell him your thoughts clearly and honestly.

[raisingthree]

I guess I'm a little sensitive to the topic as I have two children who live with me and my current partner and visit their Dad every Thursday and Friday and every second weekend so essentially I am in your husband's shoes.

When my partner and I got engaged I asked him if he was willing to take on the responsibility as a step-dad to my kids and I also asked him that if something happened to their father would he adopt them. He said yes to both.

I think that you need to be prepared that you may have to take them on full-time and make an effort to spend time with them doing fun things. I know that my partner reads to my kids every night as a routine and takes them fun places and in the process he has bonded with my kids and my kids love him. Its different to the unconditional love you feel as a parent when your children are born but its all still about bonding with them as you do with your own children.

[WorkingClassMum]

I know how these two girls must be feeling - and I'm sorry you can't see it from their perspective

My Mum left my Dad, and when he remarried - the step-monster didn't want us.

The feeling of beweilderment, abandonment and betrayl by my parents has left a hurt that has not healed for me, Sis#1 and Bro#1. We always knew that we were not wanted. Its not a nice feeling to grow up with - we were kids - we didn't ask for our lives to be that way - and neither has his kids

When you married hubby - you must have always known that there was the possibility that you may have to love and care for his kids. he was a package deal from the start.

I understand that you don't want your comfy little lifestyle interupted by his two children that nobody wants.

You and Hubby need to sit down and discuss this at length - urgently

I'm sure that what you want the kids to do is reasonable, and I believe that him wanting his kids is just as reasonable.

It'd be an awful shame if your marriage dissolves and that your baby doesn't grow up with her natural father, and then one day her step father doesn't want her.....

I am sorry for being offensive - but we are talking about children - not pets or motorbikes or boats/lifestyle choices - you are talking about children - his children - your daughters sisters - your step-daughters

[Mel W-C]

OP i feel for you, i have 3 step kids and i wouldnt want to have then full time either, its is a big thing to take care of someone elses children and to do that full time is massive.

i think that you need to sit down with your DH and have a talk to him and tell him how you feel cause this is your life too and he needs to take your feelings into account

[mellyg]

OMG I dont know what to say as I honestly cannot believe what I just read.. I am sorry but I am in a blended family situation, but the children are mine. You have totally just blown me away with how unsupportive of your husbands children you have.. Did you tell your husband this before you got married and had another child with him.. If I knew that this was the way my DF felt before we had a child together then I would never have become so involved with him as my children are a part of me and if you want and love me then my babies come with me.. Did you ever stop to think that if something happened to their mother that of course he would want to raise his children and take care of them?? I think that you are being a little selfish and that you should stop and think about your husband too.. I am sorry if that is harsh as I usually try not to be but I am just so astounded.. You know what its like to love your own child, imagine if he told you he did not want your child around full time anymore (even though he would not as its his too but I am just trying to see if you could imagine the shoe being on the other foot).. He has never hidden his children from you or sprung them on you.. Wow, for the girls sake I hope they go with their mother as I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to live in a house where you were not wanted or loved.. I think you definately cannot hide your feelings from your husband though as this is something I would definately want to know if my partner felt this way..

[Noah_and_Elijah]

I can see it from all sides. I understand how you feel COMPLETELY (as I've been in a very similar situation before) and I can see it from your husband's point of view also. Again, I can also see it from the girls perspective, having been a step child myself and dealing with a similar issue.

The only advice I have is to speak to your husband and be completely honest with him. There is going to be no easy way to say 'hey honey I don't love your kids' but you do need to be honest, both with yourself and with him.

The WORST thing you can do is stay quiet about a situation like this and let it simmer away until one day it boils over and there will be no going back...

Trust me! :no:

[Ffrenchknickers]

I am sorry for being offensive - but we are talking about children - not pets or motorbikes or boats/lifestyle choices - you are talking about children - his children - your daughters sisters - your step-daughters

Exactly:yes: Human beings who need a chance to grow up. You call them lazy, well they need someone to teach them how to not be lazy.

IMO these children's feelings are more important than yours....you have had a chance to grow up, they haven't. I too, am sorry you can't see it from their perspective. NO one said it would be easy but life is about looking out for others above ourselves isn't it?:(

[jag5000]

When you married hubby - you must have always known that there was the possibility that you may have to love and care for his kids. he was a package deal from the start.

I understand that you don't want your comfy little lifestyle interupted by his two children that nobody wants.

I am sorry for being offensive - but we are talking about children - not pets or motorbikes or boats/lifestyle choices - you are talking about children - his children - your daughters sisters - your step-daughters


:iagree:


it's taken me a while to reply here 'cos I was (and I'm just being honest) a bit taken aback by your post.

I know I could leave the marriage, but the main reason I would stay is that it would absolutely kill me to have to hand my daughter over every second weekend to her dad and be without her - I just couldn't do it.

this worried me a bit - the main reason you wouldn't leave? it kinda sounds to be like you don't have the best relationship with your DH. I understand that kids come first, mine do, but my relationship with my DH is an equal first.

I'm sorry that you feel this way but like PP have said I feel for the girls.

have you tried bonding with them? thinking of them as kids and people that you could have a friendship/step-parent relationship with rather than just extra work for you?

on the other hand I'm kinda thinking if you really do think of them like this, and you are always going to put your child first (again, as it should be, but only to a point) maybe they are better off not being there full time. Kids, any kids, deserve more.

[mellyg]

Exactly:yes: Human beings who need a chance to grow up. You call them lazy, well they need someone to teach them how to not be lazy.

IMO these children's feelings are more important than yours....you have had a chance to grow up, they haven't. I too, am sorry you can't see it from their perspective. NO one said it would be easy but life is about looking out for others above ourselves isn't it?:(

:iagree: I am sorry if it sounds harsh to you, but I just really feel for those girls. I just keep thinking, OMG is this how my DF feels about my kids.. Poor babies..

[siansmum]

It's interesting to hear different people's opinions and I have taken them all on board.

mellyg - you say that the girls' feelings are more important than mine. I disagree with that. I also have the right to be happy and considered in this whole situation, and I can tell you that my husband is not considering me here at all. I haven't been asked whether ths is something I could cope with, I've just been told that it's going to happen. In my opinion, marriage is all about compromise and discussing issues, not just telling your partner that something is going to happen (especially something as life changing as this). Also, I think we need to take into consideration that these girls have a mother who is perfectly capable of raising them (and I believe, has an obligation to do so). Me looking after these girls full-time means that my daughter is going to miss out on the time with me that not only she deserves, but that she is entitled to! Why should my child have to suffer because of the fact that their mother won't take responsibility for them?

[westerner]

Also, I think we need to take into consideration that these girls have a mother who is perfectly capable of raising them (and I believe, has an obligation to do so).

By the sounds of it there father is perfectly capable of raising them also..
What about his obligation..

Why is the mother always assumed/expected to be the main carer.. He produced the kids also and is as much a parent as there mother is.. ;)


Me looking after these girls full-time means that my daughter is going to miss out on the time with me that not only she deserves, but that she is entitled to! Why should my child have to suffer because of the fact that their mother won't take responsibility for them?
How??
Mothers have more than one child and there first one doesn't miss out..
If this is your honest view maybe you should rethink having a second child as you mentioned so that you can ensure your daughter doesn't miss out anyway.. As clearly you do not feel you are capable of dividing your time between more than one other child..

Im sorry but i think you are being unreasonable.. You state how it would hurt you to 'hand over your child'.. How do you think your husband feels handing over his 2 kids.. Maybe he would love the opportunity to have his other kids in his life 24/7, just as he is able to have your daughter in his life 24/7..

Im sorry but simply because you are still with the man does not make your daughter with him any more important/precious/loved than his other two daughters.. Maybe put yourself in his shoes for a moment and see how he feels about missing his children..

Everybody comes with baggage.. You knew his baggage were his two kids before you started a relationship with him, married him, had a child with him..
It may not be your ideal view of the future but it is the one you chose..

I hope your family can overcome its issues for the sake of these beautiful 3 children involved..

[Mum2Bug]

Those girls have a father who is also perfectly capable of raising them and has an obligation to be there for them as well, in whatever capacity he is needed to be. And this is how he is choosing to be.

[siansmum]

I apologise mellyg - it was actually someone else who made that quote about the kids feelings being more important than mine - you just reused the quote and I took it as yours. Sorry!

[MumsieMel]

He is their father.

Enough said.

[Ffrenchknickers]

It was me who said that and I stand by it....you are an adult and have more of a capacity to change the way you act/feel/respond than these poor children do. You have the capapcity to embrace these children and make yourself adaptable to this situation. These children are still learning and I fear that all they are going to learn from this situation is that thye are not good enough:(

You are talking like YOUR feelings/life is more important than theirs and that you will do nothing to change that.:no: I dont understand how you can be so unwilling to love these children.

[siansmum]

Yes, their dad is responsible for them also and would never run away from that responsibility, but their mum is also responsible for them, and I can tell you, that she IS running away from that responsibility. In the letter that she sent us, she says that it's about time that she starts thinking about her own ambitions and what she wants to do in life! Hey, call me stupid, but when I became a mum, I knew that it was for life, not just for the first 13 years. Part of being a parent is putting your children first, at least until they are old enough to leave home and pursue their own interests. She clearly is not putting her children first. And yes, I can hear some of you saying that I'm not putting the children first either, but the difference is that these girls are not my children. I am putting my daughter first and I know that if the girls are here full-time, then Sian is going to have a very unhappy mummy and that's not a good thing for her.

[Mum2Bug]

Just wanted to add.....

It is obvious that your husband loves his children and wants them with him......dont expect a loving parent to choose their partner over their kids. It rarely happens.

[Myztik]

If something happened to their mother and she was incapable of looking after them would your opinion differ to what it is now?

[*~alegna~*]

I am sorry for being offensive - but we are talking about children - not pets or motorbikes or boats/lifestyle choices - you are talking about children - his children - your daughters sisters - your step-daughters

:iagree: totally agree, for better or worse. I think you should be proud of your Husband that he WANTS his girls, alot of dads in that situation would take the back foot IYKWIM.


I know I could leave the marriage, but the main reason I would stay is that it would absolutely kill me to have to hand my daughter over every second weekend to her dad and be without her - I just couldn't do it.

With all due respect, if that is the only reason you can think of to stay in your marriage I would definately be reassessing my situaiton & WHY I married my husband in the first place.

Good Luck & I hope that it works out for ALL of you.:hugs:

[*~alegna~*]

Yes, their dad is responsible for them also and would never run away from that responsibility, but their mum is also responsible for them, and I can tell you, that she IS running away from that responsibility. In the letter that she sent us, she says that it's about time that she starts thinking about her own ambitions and what she wants to do in life! Hey, call me stupid, but when I became a mum, I knew that it was for life, not just for the first 13 years. Part of being a parent is putting your children first, at least until they are old enough to leave home and pursue their own interests. She clearly is not putting her children first. And yes, I can hear some of you saying that I'm not putting the children first either, but the difference is that these girls are not my children. I am putting my daughter first and I know that if the girls are here full-time, then Sian is going to have a very unhappy mummy and that's not a good thing for her.

thats unfortunate that you feel that way, your baby girl would probably love to have her big sisters live with her. Maybe after you spoke to your DH about the matter you could give it a trial run??? with an OPEN mind & see what happened. They are babies themselves IMO - that preteem age is a killer & they can probalby sense your degativitiy regarding the matter already Just a thought

[tiggles]

You poor thing, what an awful situation.

Any person that raises someone else child is amazing, having said that, I don't know if I could do this myself.

The mother is abandoning her children and its your DH job to take over I'm afraid. Its the same if she was hit by a bus, he would have to stand up to his responsibilities.

Has your DH spoken to the mother? How is this going to effect the kids with mum just taking off.

I really pity these two children.

PS I am not having a go at you and respect your honesty in your OP.

[Ffrenchknickers]

Yes, their dad is responsible for them also and would never run away from that responsibility, but their mum is also responsible for them, and I can tell you, that she IS running away from that responsibility. In the letter that she sent us, she says that it's about time that she starts thinking about her own ambitions and what she wants to do in life! Hey, call me stupid, but when I became a mum, I knew that it was for life, not just for the first 13 years. Part of being a parent is putting your children first, at least until they are old enough to leave home and pursue their own interests. She clearly is not putting her children first. And yes, I can hear some of you saying that I'm not putting the children first either, but the difference is that these girls are not my children. I am putting my daughter first and I know that if the girls are here full-time, then Sian is going to have a very unhappy mummy and that's not a good thing for her.

I cant imagine as a mother, rnning away from my children....gosh, I can't even be away from mine for a whole day....but what if you changed your attitude be the one to help these girls pick up the pieces?

With all due respect, I think saying that Sian will have an unhappy mummy is a cop out and something that you have total control of, you are not the victim here, the girls are:yes:

[Ffrenchknickers]

your baby girl would probably love to have her big sisters live with her

I agree...it would probably be great for her!

[siansmum]

Ffenchstar - just because you fall in love with a man, doesn't mean that you fall in love with his kids. You can't make someone love another person's children, just as I wouldn't expect my husband to love any children I'd brought into the marriage.

[Jo9999]

I wanted to ask is it possible that you compromise on the issues you aren't happy with.
For example, if they are to live with you than these are the chores they are to be responsible with.
Tell your husband if they are to live with you then he is not to over rule you on parenting in front of them - that you are to hold as much parenting power as him.
Ask that your husband look after them when they are sick etc, school holidays they will obviously visit their mother for a lot of the time, and perhaps you can ask him that they be put into camps etc for the times they aren't there.
I am not sure what activities they will take away from your baby, maybe if you gave them a chance you would find that you might have MORE time to spend with your baby if you can get them to help out around the house etc.
However, if the only reason you are staying with your husband is so you don't have to hand over your baby to him every 2nd weekend, then I don't think you should stay with him at all, obviously there is no love in the marriage etc.
I can imagine it will be a stressful time as a family, but if you lay some ground rules you could make it work.
Your feelings do count too, but the children are the ones that are growing up unwanted. You can change your situation, those poor children can't. Your baby wouldn't miss out on anything from what I can see - rather they have the opportunity to bond with their siblings - don't forget you are denying YOUR child the chance to live with their OWN family.

[Crazyfamily]

firstly, let me say you are very brave admitting that on here. I do kind of understand how you feel because I could not have my (now ex) son live with me but there were BIG issues to do with safety.
But in saying that, you have not mentioned anything similar so I can't understand the way you feel.
In the long term as your daughter becomes more aware of things in life she may be affected because of your negativity towards her siblings.
I was married to a man who treated his children(with me) a lot better than my other children from a previous marriage and HIS children now are annoyed at him for being "mean" to their brothers and sisters. I believe if the only reason you are staying in your marriage is because you don't want to be without your daughter on weekends then you need to give a thought to your husband being wtihout his, and you need to get some help or leave. You are going to have a negative effect on your own daughter if you can't do the right thing by HER siblings. I hope you can work through what your issues are because all of the children will be hurt more than you.

[Chickadee]

It's clear that parenting of step children is a very difficult issue. As a moderator, I'm concerned at the amount of criticism of Siansmum that is being expressed. Disagreement and even criticism is ok, but it should be polite and constructive please.

As a reminder, part of the opening post was:


Please, are any of you in this position? How have you handled it all???

[HunterzMummy]

Sian... Sweetheart - I feel for you :hugs:

and agree that just because you fall in love with a man does not mean you fall in love with his children... you can't help the heart..

and let me tell you that it is a very very different situation when you have your 1st child together... Situation and feelings are sooooooooooo different before you have your own. And you can NEVER tell how you are going to react when the child is born so NO ONE can say you knew what you were getting into.. thats a VERY unfair statement..

You are in a very difficult situation and need to thoroughly discus feelings and possible situations..And maybe your stressing for nothing:hugs::hugs:

And to everyone else... im a little disappointed in the response of some people. Now every blended family is very different and it is very very hard being a step mum.. And i know some might disagree with what a poster is saying but what gives us the right to be judgmental and make her feel like a bad person. We dont know the full story!! She is venting a concern and wants some support... if not just hugs.. If we dont have anything supportive to say we should close the screen and move on to a different thread. Cuz i know that i will never be posting a new topic in this particular thread for the way i have been treated in the past, but when i post the same thing in general i am over whelmed with support:confused:...so i guess im saying just think before you judge - some things come across as really hurtful and critical.

Beautiful you are in my thoughts and prays and if you need a more then understanding ear im always here to support you xoxo

[Bree3]

Don't you see that by being like this way you are stopping your Daughter from having a proper relationship with her sisters. She will grow watching you hate these kids so much that she will never have the relationship that she ought to have with them. Comming from someone who never had a proper relationship with my half sister i think it's very sad and very unfair on them.

I would have given anything to have my dad fight for me the way your DH is fighting for his children. In my opion he is a rare find these days and i would be so very proud of him.

[the_queen]

I would have given anything to have my dad fight for me the way your DH is fighting for his children. In my opion he is a rare find these days and i would be so very proud of him.

:iagree:

The absolute best kind of man you can find is one who loves his kids, and will fight to be a part of their lives.

[MrsDribbleDrawers]

Ffenchstar - just because you fall in love with a man, doesn't mean that you fall in love with his kids. You can't make someone love another person's children, just as I wouldn't expect my husband to love any children I'd brought into the marriage.

But, see, I did expect it - and it took 8 years to find the man that did that... and it just happened he had a child who's mother was dead and I got to love the child just as much... yep, DS drives me nuts on an almost daily basis, but he has no one else to teach him except me, and I really do look forward to the day when he hits thirty and I can say to him "I didn't think we would make it, but you're here!"

[MumsieMel]

Just wanted to add.....

It is obvious that your husband loves his children and wants them with him......dont expect a loving parent to choose their partner over their kids. It rarely happens.

Totally agree!

If you want to stay with your DH you must be a STEP MOTHER and being their fulltime carer will probably be required. It is just a fact.

Im sorry you dont feel that you want them but right now there isnt many other choices.

[Jo_Jo]

It was me who said that and I stand by it....you are an adult and have more of a capacity to change the way you act/feel/respond than these poor children do. You have the capapcity to embrace these children and make yourself adaptable to this situation. These children are still learning and I fear that all they are going to learn from this situation is that thye are not good enough:(

You are talking like YOUR feelings/life is more important than theirs and that you will do nothing to change that.:no: I dont understand how you can be so unwilling to love these children.

I would be mortified if my partner felt this way towards his step children!!! he new what he was getting himself into weather, sickness,tantrums and teenagers, my oldest has gone and come back and he embraced and loved her no matter what.
After our youngest was born he was the one that said to me i truly know the love and the protection you feel for all the kids!
My 13 was at a friends house on the weekend and partner went and picked him up on the bike.....later that day he said, mum dad would die for me wouldent he just like he would for EJ i said yes he loves all of you, why did you say that son, he said when he got there to pick him up he had the spare helmet, jeans,shoes and gave him his own riding leather jacket and his own gloves....son said but what are you going to wear he said oh mate im ok! as long as you are safe!
Kids know and feel resentment even if you think you hide it! i feel for these kids, puberty and being a teen is a hard slog and they need love and guidance so much.....girls need a great male role model and the same sex parent bio or step is a big factor! these teens need all of you more than ever!
And let me tell you, your little daughter will not be unhappy they are around, my teens have been a fantastic help and love there little bro so much they fight but gosh how they love!

[~Emmylou~]

When you have children they are the responsibility of BOTH parents for life.

When you marry someone, you also marry their family.

I was raised in a step family and I would be distraught if my stepfather held these views. He has always treated my brother and me like his own even though he has his own two girls, and my brother and I have our own father in our lives.

I don't get how you can feel that it's ok to make your husband choose between his own flesh and blood and you. Just because his kids were with their mother when you got together surely you didn't honestly believe that was set in stone until they were adults? What if something happened to her, or the girls just decided they wanted to live with their dad for a while? That frequently happens in families where there is such regular contact with both parents as in your situation.

[the_queen]

I am sure that if you told your husband that you do not love his children and are not willing to even try to care for them and would NEVER want them to live with you, that he may have thought twice about marrying you and starting a family with you..

:iagree: :yes: :yes:

[Ffrenchknickers]

Ffenchstar - just because you fall in love with a man, doesn't mean that you fall in love with his kids. You can't make someone love another person's children, just as I wouldn't expect my husband to love any children I'd brought into the marriage.

I also disagree with this....have you tried to love them or even like them?

The reason that there has been so much negativity towards this thread is that there are innocent children involved and many of us have either been that child or the parent in a blended family and it hits a nerve with some of us, clearly:yes:

It is not these girls fault that their parents were divirced or that their mother and stepmother doesnt want them!!! What are they supposed to do? Where are they supposed to go? Gosh, they can come live with me....

[HunterzMummy]

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Dont listen to these nasty critical people if you need support PM me

[V8]

I really feel for you as it seems there isn't much you can do about the situation. I am quite flabbergasted about the mother wanting to hand over her children so that she can 'pursue her own dreams and goals'. Really what right does this woman have to do that?? She chose to have the children, she has the majority of care for them she should be supporting her children first, not her own priorities, and unfortunately it will probably be at the detriment to the OP. I really feel for your situation and i can completely understand where you are coming and it's great that you are honest with yourself and your feelings and whether you want to be able to cope.

You do have a choice in this situation as you said you could leave your marriage, but also these children don't seem to have that freedom of choice, maybe put yourself in their shoes, if someone did that to my partner's children i would just have to put my anger/animosity aside and step up to the plate and care for those children. I feel the hardest choices we make are often the most rewarding.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Jo_Jo]

Ffenchstar - just because you fall in love with a man, doesn't mean that you fall in love with his kids. You can't make someone love another person's children, just as I wouldn't expect my husband to love any children I'd brought into the marriage.

Well to soon for you to say this i think!! if you are ever in the position where you might begin a new relationship i assure you that you will want him to love and respect your child or children and understand the situation you were in to some level.
I could not imagine thinking ok well i really love the man you are and i notice you treat my children different and well you only like them around when you want but hey thats ok they have to put up with it.....not!!
I think you just have to be ready to walk in others shoes to get an idea and be open to how others are suffering! you not going to change the mother of these teens but you can have a huge impact in there lives!

[mellyg]

:hugs: I am sorry if I sounded harsh as I said I usually try to stay out of things that I feel so strongly for.. And I guess I just keep thinking of how I would feel if that was my children, but its not so I can stop worrying about it.. Whereas it is your life and you do need to worry about it so to go back to the start and begin a fresh I guess the only thing that you really can do is talk to your husband and be honest with each other about what you both want and what is going to be the best option for all 3 children concerned.. You definately cannot keep feelings like this bottled up though as it will not help you or your hubby or the kids.. So do you think you would be able to help them become better people if he gave you more freedom to do so? If yes then tell him this too..

[caz]

I haven't been asked whether ths is something I could cope with, I've just been told that it's going to happen.

I totally understand this feeling. It has happened to me in the last 6 months. DF is fighting to have his daughter here 50% of the time. And yes my nose was out of joint for a little bit, I realised that this is what he wanted and was VERY passionate about it, so he now has my 100% support. Why? Because I knew coming into this relationship, he had a daughter. And I knew if I wanted to be part of his life, I had to accept her into my life aswell. Yes my life will be turned upside down, yes there will be another mouth to feed, another load of washing to be done a day but you know what, who gives a ****. Being part of a family unit far out weighs any of those things.

You say that there won't be much quality time with your DD, these girls are in school. So you can spend as much time with your DD during the day and then your DD can spend quality time her sisters after school. My DS absolutely loves having his sister here to play with him


Ffenchstar - just because you fall in love with a man, doesn't mean that you fall in love with his kids. You can't make someone love another person's children

Then I must be a minority. I love my DSD with all my heart, just as I love my DS. I would do ANYTHING for her to her safe and happy

[Kangaskippy]

When I married my husband 3 years ago, the arrangement was that theyspend 50% of the time with us, not 100%, and had I known that this was going to be tha case, I wouldn't have married him.


I know I could leave the marriage, but the main reason I would stay is that it would absolutely kill me to have to hand my daughter over every second weekend to her dad and be without her - I just couldn't do it.


It seems there maybe more issues than just the children involved if you were/are thinking this way....



I am sure that if you told your husband that you so not love his children and am not willing to even try to care for them and would NEVER want them to live with you that he may have thought twice about marrying you and starting a family with you..

:iagree: Mel.

Sorry, I don't believe this comment is nasty, it seems to be just looking at the situation from your DH side...as you stated in your OP that you had similar feelings re: taking his kids onboard 100%, there wouldn't have been a marriage.


I really hope that you can talk to your DH and work something out...it really sounds like a hard situation at the moment for all parties involved.

[Lollie]

Good on you for being honest.

We as human beings are flexible creatures, we can adapt to the environment and problems we are faced with. It is not easily done but bit by bit we get there. No-one's forcing you to love the children but to NOT assume the role of step mum which is what you put your hand up for when you said your vows, well IMO that is quite misleading to your DH. I really think counselling will be beneficial to your situation, because it is a touchy subject for everyone and needs to be dealt with in a fragile manner.

For what its worth, I have 4 kids, 3 of them are under 19 months and none of them miss out on mummy time.

Good luck darl, hope you find a solution.

[Blueberry Crumble]

I think that when you marry a man, you take on the kids. Even if you made a decision before you married him to have them half the time, things and predicaments change! Thats part of life! I feel for your husband and his daughters. I can see how you feel, however when it comes to the crunch they are his daughters and YOUR family, and you do have a responsibility to those girls. You married a man with kids, and thats that.

[Ffrenchknickers]

I am not intending to be offensive either.....I just really hope that the OP has a good think about how these children might be feeling (even if they can't verbalise it exactly...) It is something that I amnd many others feel strongly about.

This is an honest question...not a criticism...Op, are you angry at these children for some reason....is there a reason that you resent them? Myabe dealing with whatever the issue might be ,ight help you see your way clear to being more welcoming to them?

I wish you all the best and hope that these precious girls end up in a place where they are loved and supported. None of this is their fault:(

[charlen49]

It seems there maybe more issues than just the children involved if you were/are thinking this way....




:iagree: Mel.

Sorry, I don't believe this comment is nasty, it seems to be just looking at the situation from your DH side...as you stated in your OP that you had similar feelings re: taking his kids onboard 100%, there wouldn't have been a marriage.


I really hope that you can talk to your DH and work something out...it really sounds like a hard situation at the moment for all parties involved.
:iagree: with mel( i could see what you were getting at hun!:yes:) and kanga!

[charlen49]

Good on you for being honest.

We as human beings are flexible creatures, we can adapt to the environment and problems we are faced with. It is not easily done but bit by bit we get there. No-one's forcing you to love the children but to NOT assume the role of step mum which is what you put your hand up for when you said your vows, well IMO that is quite misleading to your DH. I really think counselling will be beneficial to your situation, because it is a touchy subject for everyone and needs to be dealt with in a fragile manner.

For what its worth, I have 4 kids, 3 of them are under 19 months and none of them miss out on mummy time.

Good luck darl, hope you find a solution.good post:iagree:

[Blueberry Crumble]

I think that people are getting worked up in this thread because so many of us grew up in blended families and were step kids. I myself grew up with a father who chose to be with women over his children and I remember being so young and crying myself to sleep over it. It is a sad situation.

[siansmum]

Thanks everyone for your opinions, but I think I'd really like to just close this thread now as I'm finding it all quite upsetting to read.
Yes, I asked if anyone was in a similar situation and how they handled it, but all I seem to have got is critcism, some of it extremely nasty. I've taken on board what everyone has said, but I just wonder how many of you who have judged me as the evil stepmother, are in or have been in the same situation as me, or whether or not you're just judging me because it's fun to hang, draw and quarter someone who doesn't feel the way you may.
So, please don't bother posting any more replies because I won't be reading any of them from now on.
Thanks to those few of you who do see how I feel and were happy to actually offer some support and constructive advice rather than hurtful criticism.

[Mum2Bug]

I think you will find many of us are or have been step parents which is why we are so passionate about it.

Good luck

[Sarieslittlemen]

Ffenchstar - just because you fall in love with a man, doesn't mean that you fall in love with his kids. You can't make someone love another person's children, just as I wouldn't expect my husband to love any children I'd brought into the marriage.

But when you enter a relationship with someone who has children already they are part of the package. You can't just pick and chose which bits best suit your life. Those girls are a part of him and will be forever.

[Chickadee]

The OP has asked that this thread be closed now.
Thank you to everyone who provided constructive advice, comments and support.