understanding infertility

[babydreams]

Hello everyone,

I've just joined this lovely site and have posted in the "Egg Donor Needed" area.

I suppose anyone visiting this forum is already sympathetic to those of us who struggle with infertility, but perhaps there are some here out of curiosity or an interest in learning more about it and how they may be able to help.

Here is a slideshow that was designed to help people understand what it's like for infertile people to live life in this world. I hope that you find it moving or informative in some way and perhaps it will help us all be more sensitive to those whose journey this is.

Grab a tissue and turn on your speakers...

http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html

If you are considering egg donation and would like to learn more, I can highly recommend the Aussie Egg Donors site that others have mentioned.

http://www.aussieeggdonors.com

There you can chat with women who have already donated and learn about all the issues involved. They are a beautiful, supportive group who will welcome you with open arms. Due to the sensitive nature of the discussions it's a private group and there is an application process to join.

Thank you to Bubhub for hosting this forum. I look forward to reading posts and getting to know you all.

Best wishes
babydreams

[PMS]

Hello Babydreams,
I just watched the slideshow; it was so heart moving! I didn't get a tissue as I didn't think that I would cry; wrong. I am sitting here with tears streaming down
and feeling very lucky to have my two beautiful children.
I guess we dont usually stop to think about the difficult journey that infertile couples are on and the heart break they face.
Donating eggs is not something that I have thought about. After seeing so many couples on Bubhub that are after donors it is something that I will seriously have to think about and talk to my husband about.
I wish you much luck on your journey to motherhood and Im sending you and the other couples here hugs for being so patient and brave.:hugs:

[babydreams]

Dear Peta,

Thanks so much for taking the time to watch the slideshow and respond with your thoughts. It is beautiful that you are considering donation as a result.

Those of us waiting for donors know that donation isn't for everyone, but it really does help us to know that there are gorgeous souls out there like yourself who understand.

Even if you can't donate you can help us by talking to your friends and getting the word out. It's harder and harder to find people who are young, willing and have already finished their families.

The more people understand the issues around this, the better chance we have of fulfilling our dreams.

Thanks for caring
babydreams xx

[PMS]

Hi babydreams. I thought that I would bump this thread up again in the hopes that others would would view your slide show.
Everyone out there; please have a look at the slide show. It is very moving and totally helps you understand what these beautiful women and there partners are going through. It opened my eyes to the extent that I am actually researching and considering egg donation.
Thankyou babydreams; for staring this thread. Hope your search for a donor is going well!:hugs:

[babydreams]

Dear Peta,

Thanks for bumping! I'm so thrilled that the slideshow had such an impact on you and that you are considering donation. You just never know who it will reach. I wish I could put a link to the slideshow along with some egg donation info into all the threads where young mums hang out, but we can't be bugging people or be intrusive like that...we just have to rely on people's curiousity to visit this thread.

As for our search, we've had one lovely response to the ad from someone who is currently pregnant, but considering donation further down the track (need to be finished breastfeeding before you can donate). She seems very genuine in her wish to help someone become a Mum. I will be phoning that gorgeous lady this week and will be interested to see where the conversation takes us. Other than that, I can't really say they've been bashing my door down!

I'm just so grateful that there are beautiful, supportive people out there like you who are so compassionate and are helping us to spread the word.

Thanks again
Babydreams xx :hugs:

[Faithcomesinnumbers]

babydreams this has made me cry. :crying: It was very beautiful. Thank you for being so informative and letting people like myself see it from your perspective. :kiss: I really hope find a donor shortly. :fingerscrossed:

[charlottesweb]

HI Baby dreams I too am looking for a donor. From the number of responses to certain ads on here it would appear that there are a lot of ladies looking at these posts. Not sure whether they are those that have been through IVF, whether they're simply curious or whether they're contemplating but still trying to make a decision.

Do you think perhaps the fact you haven't had a lot of questions may be that some women feel they have made a committment once they start chatting ie the 'pressures' on'.

Faithcomesinnumbers if you read this post, you responded I believe to one of the ccouples. As a matter of interest, what made you read this section.

[Kate2006]

Dear Babydreams,

I've just watched the slide show - it says it all doesn't it. I wish I had joined a forum like this years ago. Feeling like you have a support network outside of family is fantastic. Good luck in your journey.
Love
Kate

[babydreams]

Charlotte'sWeb...I think you raise an important point...perhaps potential donors are reluctant to post because they don't want to get someone's hopes up unnecessarily? I have mentioned a few times that the Aussie Agg Donors website is a great place to go for more info if you're considering donation and there have been a few new members join recently as a result (I think).

If you are reading this and have questions to ask about anything related to donation, please feel free. A match between a donor and a recipient is something that takes some time and I don't think anyone of us would jump to conclusions just because you expressed an interest in some way. There are women here who have donated, so ask any questions you have without fear.

Kate...thanks for your encouragement...yes it's great to have a network of people who understand what we go through, sometimes that's been more important to me than the people I see IRL, which seems weird, but it's true. There's nothing like the support that comes from people who really "get it". Best of luck in your journey too.

Babydreams xx

[provencein3]

R

Have there been new donors or new recipients join AED.

As I said on another thread I was inspired to donate when I discovered a friend having difficulty in conceiving however at the time I was too old but had never previously encountered it.

Forums such as these make people more aware of the need thus i guess producing more donors which also benefit the children as they won't feel so 'different'

Kim

[babydreams]

Hi Kim,

Yes I know of at least one person who has joined AED as a result of this forum, which is just wonderful ...so this has been a huge success already. :thumbsup: There are quite a few new members recently, but I'm not sure where they have come from, so there may be even more from here.

Even if one person is helped to become a Mum as a result of this discussion, that's an amazing gift that will bring so much joy to not only the parents, but their extended family, friends and community. Such generosity sends out ripples, we'll never quite know how far they are felt.

Like you (and me a few years ago) most people don't know about egg donation and the amazing opportunities it can offer to those of us who can't conceive otherwise. Spreading the word about this to the right audience is a big part of the battle.

It's lovely that you wanted to help your friend even if your age ruled you out...I'm sure she will always be grateful for your offer.

You make a good point about forums like this spreading the word and helping to normalise the whole concept. My fertility specialist told me that 1 in 30 babies born in Australia today is the result of IVF...imagine that news 20 years ago? That's one in every classroom soon! So I'm hoping that by the time our little one is in school (if we are lucky enough to get there), being an egg-donor baby will be no big deal.

Society accepted the concept of sperm donation decades ago, so let's hope that egg donation follows that trend. There are probably thousands of women who so treasure their experience of motherhood that they would do this for another. Like organ donation, it's a gift of life...but one that you can enjoy seeing the beautiful results of before you die :)


Thanks so much for your support and interest :hugs:
Babydreams xx

[provencein3]

This is probably a person by person thing based on the relationship you have with the donor, but I noted on AED, someone who had her donor as the godmother for her child. What do you think of that?

As i said it depends on the degree of involvement you wish to have in each others lives but I guess it gets around the "what do I call the donor to my child" issue. And it does have .."mother" in the title

[babydreams]

Hi again,

I think this is a very individual thing that would need to be worked out between the donor and the recipient. Some people donate to friends, so there's already a relationship, some become good friends over the process of donation and others are probably more comfortable with less contact than that.

Personally, I plan to take some time getting to know a potential donor (and her me) to make sure that we are both comfortable with all the issues involved. It's a big decision, so worth taking some time to make. It's easy to rush in when we want a child so much, but this is someone we will have a special link to forever, so it needs careful consideration.


What form that link takes is really open for each person to negotiate I suppose. My ideal situation is that my donor would be someone kind and loving who is willing to have her identity known to the child. If during the process we developed a friendship, then that would be wonderful too. How much contact one has would depend on a lot of factors and what both parties are comfortable with.

My counsellor at SIVF recommends that the language used to speak to children about their donor is that they are called "your donor" from day one. Calling someone "your other Mummy" or the like could be very confusing for the child. I intend to be open with my child all along, but it will be very clear that I am mummy and the donor is the "lovely lady who helped mummy and daddy and the doctors have you". Of course as the child gets older it would be explained in an age appropriate way.

I have witnessed donor/recipient relationships that have turned into very close friendships which is lovely, but I certainly wouldn't necessarily expect that to happen IYKWIM

What do others think/feel about this?
Babydreams xx

[provencein3]

Interesting what your clinic says about calling the donor "the donor". I haven't actually checked with my clinic on their viewpoint.

Its a discussion which I think has occurred a few times on AED as they are very pro known contact. When questioned this generally means exactly what you are implying ie the donor can be contacted by the child but often I feel, anyway, and shoot me down in flames if I'm wrong, that it comes across as a stronger intended association.

As you say though it is a personal thing so perhaps its simply more those that have developed that friendship that ae putting across the viewpoint.

there are actually books available from the donor conception support networks to help explain the origins of a donor child to the child. I have one at home for my son. I will have a look tonight and see what they say. I know they commence by saying that families are all very different, some are big, some are small, etc I think they refer to some as having their grandparents as their 'parents' etc but not sure beyond that. Obviously I haven't read them a lot but then my son is hardly talking as yet. Another point of interest is when exactly you tell the child. Its not something my son can bring up obviously as he can't talk but realistically I don't think he notices the difference anyway.

I knew a lady in a lesbian relationship that had a young son. I think when he was very young such as 3 or thereabouts he asked about his father and I think he even approached a male friend/relative and asked them would they be the 'father' as they also had no child. Different scenario but brings up another interest of the maturity levels of children and their varying levlels of the situation . ...I was at Mcdonalds one sunday morning and this 2.5 year old was having a very indepth conversation with me. I was flabbergasted as Sebastian says No a lot and a few other words but couldn't hold a conversation ... so just another variable in the whole story.

[sarahstarfish]

Changed my mind!

Love

Cindy

[bubhub]

???? The Egg Donor section is separate and i haven't changed the way that it's viewed at all... can you pm me with a bit more detail, I'm not sure what you mean TA

[babydreams]

Hi Kim,

I'm not sure what you mean about the change to the forum either. :confused:

This thread was only made a sticky (by the administrator?) recently. I imagine this was so that people will always have access to the slide show, which is good.

I agree that it would be better to have these discussions in other threads. Why don't you start a new one with the topic you'd like to discuss in the title? That way interested parties will be able to find it more easily and it will be open to more people to join in.

See you in the next post :)
Babydreams

[baby_blues]

Hi babydreams. I thought that I would bump this thread up again in the hopes that others would would view your slide show.
Everyone out there; please have a look at the slide show. It is very moving and totally helps you understand what these beautiful women and there partners are going through.

babydreams is not the creator of the slideshow. she was just sharing it here and glad she did.

i sort of know the creator of the slideshow (from another BB) i wanted to clarify because i know she gets many email messages confusing her with people who post the link to her slideshow on other bb's and people assume it is her or things are posted and shared around the net about the poster assuming it is the creator. things mentioning that she and her partner or dh are using a donor, or in another case a surrogate, or have had children now, or are adopting, have adopted and other things.

she and her dh are still ttc...last i heard.

[babydreams]

Thanks for that Baby Blues,

Oh dear - I didn't realise I'd given anyone the impression that I'd created that slideshow! Sorry for any confusion. :confused: I was just so moved by it when it was shown to me (via another forum) that I thought it would help others understand the pain of infertility so I decided to share it around. If the creator of the slideshow is not happy for it to be circulated, please let me know and I'll edit any posts where I've linked to it.

It's very sad to hear of your friend's ongoing struggle. Please send her my sincere thanks for creating something so beautiful, it has touched a lot of hearts. I hope she finds her way to motherhood soon. :hugs:

Babydreams xx

[Melanie&Lucky]

Hi Babydreams :wave:

I watched the slide show last weekend. It brought tears :crying: to my eyes and really pulled at my heart strings as obviously infertility does touch on some very raw feelings, very close to your heart and soul.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

[baby_blues]

Thanks for that Baby Blues,

Oh dear - I didn't realise I'd given anyone the impression that I'd created that slideshow! Sorry for any confusion. :confused: I was just so moved by it when it was shown to me (via another forum) that I thought it would help others understand the pain of infertility so I decided to share it around. If the creator of the slideshow is not happy for it to be circulated, please let me know and I'll edit any posts where I've linked to it.

It's very sad to hear of your friend's ongoing struggle. Please send her my sincere thanks for creating something so beautiful, it has touched a lot of hearts. I hope she finds her way to motherhood soon. :hugs:

Babydreams xx

oh not to worry!
she has no problem with people sharing it, in fact she posted recently that she has a new website or something for it coming soon (she posts over on ovusoft). i only know her from there.

i just wanted to clarify since i know a few times she has posted sharing that she has had to tell people that it is not her who is doing this or that or who had a baby, or who is adopting, etc.. people just get her mixed up with those sharing the link around sometimes.

she has not said anything bad about things like that, i just know that once it was posted that she was just an artist and had not even been through infertility even. i just felt bad about all the confusion since she often hears about it or gets email. i think it is great that you posted it. didn't mean to make anyone feel bad. just wanted to clarify.

[PMS]

:o Sorry; that was my fault. I guess I should have worded my post properly.
The artist who made that slide show should be congratulated. It opened my eyes and put me on the path to ED. And I'm sure it helped many other women in their decision to donate.:yes:

[babydreams]

Don't worry Peta, it was nobody's fault, just a misunderstanding that Baby Blues wanted to clarify and fair enough. If that slideshow is responsible for inspiring a gorgeous soul like you to help someone become a Mum, then I'm very glad I posted the link :D
Rain xx :hugs:

[PMS]

:kiss: Awww; thanks Rain:hugs:

[moggs]

Hi,

I am very interested in becoming an egg donor. At the moment I am pregnant but wish to help a couple in the next couple of years. I do find it difficult to find information:
- How painful is the procedure?
- How long does it take?
- If recipient is in another state, do they come to me or me to them?
- Legal issues (very confused)
- would my partner also have to donate sperm?

Thank you

I wish you guys luck in recieving

Moggs xx:thumbsup:

[PMS]

Hi Moggs and Aijent. I would definately reccomend having a read of the other threads discussing egg donation here on Bubhub. I would also encourage you to join AED (aussieeggdonors). You can get all the information and support that you need from both these websites; being able to chat to other donors and recipients is a great help. I wish you both well on making a decision to donate. Hope to chat to you both on the subject!:)

[moggs]

Hi PMS,

Yeah I have tried, twice yesterday and haven't heard anything. Maybe it takes more time

moggxx

[PMS]

Hi Moggs, it probably will take a little time. We have so many new comers so I can imagine the mod's are very busy; but they will get to you! They have had a little trouble with the servers as well. When you do get on you will know who I am by my avatar! Hope to see you there soon.:D

[mauve]

Hi Moggs and Aijent
What a wonderful thing for you to consider doing. For potential recipients like me - it really is a priceless gift. I see Peta has told you about AED.
I'm there too but you won't know me by my name or av in there though. Looking forward to following your journey and hopefully to see you in AED.
SQ;)

[PMS]

Hi Moggs did you have any luck with joining AED? Hi Aijent how are you going? have you checked AED too? Hope to see you both there!

[moggs]

HI,

No I haven't heard anything yet and it has been a while.

Moggs xx

[sarahstarfish]

Hey Moggs

Will PM you re AED - you have to sign up to the site first before you can be activated.

Just editing to add if you have a hotmail account, check it's not full or if you have a stringent filter, check the junkmail box as well.

Love

Cindy

[SpecialMumma]

Okay thats beautiful.. Most certainly needed the tissues.. now its got me all emotional.

Goodluck to all those our there lookign for donors. :hugs:

[jo-anne.36]

hello babydream i have seen your slideshow every time i look at the slide it makes me cry because i think of my own stuggle with inferitilty so i can realt to what is been showon and writen on there take care jo-anne

[Yue Min Che]

Baby dreams
I read your slid show ,I was tearing ,Because bub endeavour suppose some struggle fertility but infertile people ,Even i and my husband want find a EDto help me ,but i don't know where can get infor about ,my relationship all in China and i very difficult to get soppose from some one ,I was very disappointing for long time ,bub give me chance and confidence ,but I Still
dont understand how join the bub after I AD in .
Yu che

[jacquit]

Wow, that video!!! Soooooo touching. told the ladies in the IVF forum to take a look at it. I'd really like to post it to my friends / family so they can just get a bit of understanding how difficult infertility is.

you know, the bit where it says people say " relax, it'll happen, don't worry, you're still young" etc etc, well, that's what really makes me want to show friends/ family because that is what you hear so often. If only people knew how hard it is hey...

Good luck on your journeys everyone here.

take care
jt

[universalhopes]

What a lovely video - it says so much more than I can ever explain to my friends and family without bursting into tears. Loved the part about declining social engagements around babies - sometimes it's too hard on my heart - okay, most of the time!

Thankyou for making it available on the forum.
Jen

[JuliaM]

Hello Babydreams,
I just watched the slideshow; it was so heart moving! I didn't get a tissue as I didn't think that I would cry; wrong. I am sitting here with tears streaming down
and feeling very lucky to have my two beautiful children.
I guess we dont usually stop to think about the difficult journey that infertile couples are on and the heart break they face.
Donating eggs is not something that I have thought about. After seeing so many couples on Bubhub that are after donors it is something that I will seriously have to think about and talk to my husband about.
I wish you much luck on your journey to motherhood and Im sending you and the other couples here hugs for being so patient and brave.:hugs:


Hi Babydreams,

I too sympathize, I have a lump in my throat after watching the slide show. I know exactly how it feels I have undergone 14 IVF cycles.

Hugs

JuliaM

[Shazii]

Wow babydreams, that is amazing!

I have only recently joined bubhub and my husband and I have experienced infertility issues also. I very much understand and can relate to your slideshow! That touched the deep part of my heart that has been damaged by the reality of infertility and reserved for the hope of joy in the future.

We discovered our infertility just after we got married and we were absolutely shattered. That was 3 years ago..........

Our marriage had some testing times in those early days and it's such an emotional struggle, but we are now stronger than we have ever been. The journey feels so isolated and lonely and there is always a daily reminder and yearning for children to fill our family.

We will get there though! We are now commencing our journey of looking for an egg donor and it has been a long process to reach a decision that we're both happy with and I hope that one day we will share the joy together that we so desperately want.

Your video was amazing and you should feel so proud to convey such a strong message that many women and couples feel through this very difficult journey.

Thank you for sharing such intimate feelings. I have just shown my husband and we both cried together. It's almost reassuring to know that there are other people who have experienced such heartache (not that you would ever wish it on anyone!) and can share the pain with you.

I wish you all the very best for every path you take in the future and thank you very much for sharing such an amazing journey so far.

[JNW]

Hi,

I am very interested in becoming an egg donor. At the moment I am pregnant but wish to help a couple in the next couple of years. I do find it difficult to find information:
- How painful is the procedure?
- How long does it take?
- If recipient is in another state, do they come to me or me to them?
- Legal issues (very confused)
- would my partner also have to donate sperm?

Thank you

I wish you guys luck in recieving

Moggs xx:thumbsup:

Hi Moggs, I dont know if this reply is too late for you.

I donated eggs to a relative back in 2002. Things may have changed since then, but here is what I know.

1. The entire process takes a few months, if you include all of the build up to it. You have to go to counselling with the IVF specialists, have some medical tests and things before you even start the process. The actual process itself takes a good few weeks, as you have to go through a full menstrual cycle to stimulate the egg production and release etc.

2. The process is not painful. You have to inject yourself every day with a very fine needle (into the tummy if I recall), and the needle is much like an insulin needle. You hardly feel it. A side effect of the hormone injections can be varied, but nothing much worse than a normal cycle - a bit of bloating, the odd headache. I didnt get any side effects at all. At the end, you get an injection to 'release' the eggs, and you then go in to have the eggs collected. That was a bit uncomfortable as they extract them by using an internal ultrasound. I was a bit sore for a day or so afterwards, but really quite fine.

3. My relative was in Sydney and I was in Adelaide. She flew me to and from Sydney as required (was a couple of trips all up with the counselling etc). I was able to stay in Adelaide during the stimulated cycle though, and even for some of the scans during that time. Only had to fly to Sydney for the final injection and harvesting - as they fertilised the eggs as soon as they were harvested. My relative paid for all the costs involved. I don't know if this is normal or not, but I would imagine so.

4. Legally, once you have donated, you have nothing more to do with the eggs and are not even allowed to get info from the IVF clinic about how they are fertilised, their progress etc. Its up to the receiver to let you know what is going on, if you want to know. The child is of course legally the child of the birth mother and father - but any role you play in a non legal sense is up to you and them.

5. The sperm is not much to do with the egg donation, it depends on the circumstances. Usually the husband of the receiver will be using his own sperm to fertilise the eggs, if his sperm is ok. If not, the couple choose what they wish - another sperm donor of some kind. Certainly no requirement on the egg donor's partner to donate sperm in any case whatsoever!

I hope that helps! I do recommend doing it, its really fulfilling and I enjoyed it. I was a single Mum with two kids at the time, which I had had without any trouble and I knew of the situation with my aunt for a long time, and it was heartbreaking for her. She did have a baby son about a year later and I have no idea whether he was from my egg or not, and hard to tell to look at and I dont really want to know. I am just happy to have had the opportunity to help, if I did.

Cheers

Jac

[wrighty2]

Thanks so much for telling us about that, I have just watched it and really enjoyed it, thank you xx