Just the three of us

[Kat]

Hi,

I was thinking it would be nice to start a thread of the experiences that we've had when we are alone as a family group (e.g. new in an area or no baby-friendly friends & rellies)

What have been lifesavers, what does & doesn't work, what problems that come up and hopes for the future?

our story is that there is myself, my DH and DD 6 months old. My elderly Dad is nearby and we usually see him to have a cuppa every week.

Other than that we have the telephone (not the same as people) and I've been tryng to keep up with a local mother's group.

I've found that the best thing is that my DH and I have pulled together as a team a lot better and we've put each other's emotional needs and our dd's needs above everything else (which means sometimes he is late for work, sometimes he comes home early!)

Anyone else got any thoughts?

Kat

[mumofone]

Hi

This is great idea for a thread and there must be heaps of us out there..... I would love some advice too.
We are in the same situation. We moved interstate the week before christmas, after moving from an area where we had made good friends and a good support crew as we have no family in Australia. We have found too it makes your relationship stronger and we have a very loving tight family unit.
We have made a few friends here and I have got a couple of days work so that is a good way to meet people, although some are alot younger than me, diiferent stages of life and others are alot older. However it is hard getting out there and meeting people with other kids around the same age, sometimes you have thoe days when you feel really lonely in anew town and you just want a good coffee and a chat and the phone is not the same. :)
I wondered if anybody had tips on how to get out there, I tried the playgroup thing but the local one had babes all under 12 months and I had a very active mobile 18 month old, so it didn't really work.
the other thing that would be good to know when you have moved is how do you find a babysitter who you trust when you are new to an area ??

Not much help sorry, any help greatfully recieved.

[Kat]

Hi Mumofone!

Glad its not just me who thinks 'how do other people do this???"

I was thinking about your playgroup being a lot of younger children, perhaps there are other groups - such as the ABA (nursing mothers) or another bub-related group (I suddenly can't think of any others) - some of them might have older children as well as the little ones. Also is it a long way to the next-town / suburb along's playgroup? I get the impression some groups are for babies and others have a range of ages - our local nursing Mum's group has got a wide range of pre-schoolers, not just new mums attending.

As for babysitters..that is so hard - to my way of thinking you would have to find a parent that you got to know and trust first and ask their recommendation. That sounds like a long-winded way to go about things - but you are talking to the total paranoid person here - the people I'd leave my DD with are few and far between (luckily one is sort of local so I have hope that she'd babysit sometime - still about 45 mins away).

Have you found that working is a good sanity - saver? My DD is 6 months old and I'm thinking I need to work for finances more than anything but wondering if it might be socially pleasant (even if like you they are not nec. in your age / life stage)

Good to hear from you!

Kat

[mumof2girls]

Hi kat & mumofone;

I can't say that I am in the same boat as you as my children are older but I to felt isolated when I had my first so I started taking her to the park and we met heaps of new people who felt similar to me. So just put yourself out there and see what is happening, even your local council can tell you what groups are around your area which may help you.

I would suggest that if you want a babysitter than you go through one of the agencies, they are all police checked etc so they should be good. Good luck making new friends, it seems so hard when your an adult doesn't it?

[mummyb]

hello
i i moved away from all our family and friends after the birth of our 2nd ds i joined every mums group and went to anything i saw advertised for little kids we meet some realy nice mums through the local libary.
in sydney again now and ds is 10 months old i dont drive and could easily get stuck thinking i cant do anything im not going to bother but instead ive organised for my husband to drop us at play group on his day off and at a womens group on his way to work on another day .
i find that if i have time with other mums im much more confident as a parent, and that im more comfortable socialising with out my husband around .
he needs time out just as much as i do .
i try and be fair now with my 1st ds i was a mess i wanted time out all th etime and didnt understand his need to go out alone.
we also try and go on a date night at least once a fortnight we are pretty broke at the moment and we cant leave our kids so we take them with us we have had some great nights out ,my fav was making spagetti bol and garlic bread packing it all up and heading off to the beach , we then took the kids for newzealand ice cream and walked along the beach it was a time to just enjooy our childrena nd each other.
another fav is fav junk food ,some dvds and a bottle of wine hey presto you have a romantic night in .
good luck it s such hard work with out close family near by or a t all i hope you all enjoy yoour kids as much a s we are at the moment .
:p

[H&B'sMum]

I'm so glad we are not the only ones who have no family around. One thing I have found is that it has definatly brought Dh and I closer together. We talk about everything that is happening with Harry. Dh is involved in every aspect of Harry's life from dropping off at day care to taking him to get his needles. This, I've found, has brought my family together in a way that I never knew.
I'm still get jealous when I hear of other mums having their mums to help and babysit and it is harder to go out without Harry, but I prefer to take him with us anyway.
I try to see the positive in it, that both of us are raising Harry and he has two parents that are both involved in his life and wanting to do so. I'm very happy with the three of us :) .

[mumofone]

Hi Kat
My opinion of working is that it is definately a sanity saver for me anyway and I feel that it makes me alot better mother. I went back to work as a casual when my daughter was 51/2 months and she had brillant bonding time with her dad ( she is a definately daddys girl) and then to my permanent position when she was 8 months old. I find it good as now I have found a two day a week position down here , we get to have a break from one another and have heaps of fun on the other five days a week. I found we were both getting a bit sick of each other when we first moved and needed time out and that wasn't just me !!.
I heard a quote on tv the other day, I think it is great " if the momma's not happy nobodies happy".

Harrys Mum, I agree when you have no family it does bring you closer and your child has a great relationship with both parents. I get the jealousy thing when someone has a Mum to help out, but sometimes these same people who have the helpful mothers also get the regular unhelpful and sometimes unwanted comments luckily I miss out on that . So I suppose it is a double edged sword.


This thread is great, thanks all for the ideas.

[Kat]

Hi there,

I'm glad its not just me who gets jealous of people who have their Mum or MIL to help them! I just think it would be so wonderful to have a female mummy type relative to share some of this new Mum stuff with!!!

I have found tht we've been very lucky in that it seems we are loved but from far away as we do receive these beautiful packages in the mail (mostly from hubby's family interstate!) however I sometimes feel a bit dislocated - our DD has tons of toys and rugs - but we are trying to save up money (and learn the know-how) to get the floor covered and curtains up!!! (the sort of thing my Mum used to do and my MIL knows how to do).

I need to work on finding a job too - and I have a feeling that is going to be a toughie..I am still breastfeeding - and no wish to give that up or supplement with formula...which means outsourcing work from home..

This thread has really helped me personally - to know that my feelings areso similar to other Mums who are alone with their bub & hubbie - I totally agree that it brings you closer as a family - my DH also goes to dr appoinments etc with us - I think many people see us as weird for doing this but I don't think they realise that this is the sort of thing that extended family / close friends sometimes help with - or that for my DH & I - I am dealing with the every day all day stuff alone - so when it comes to big stuff I need his companionship / support.

It has also made me get my act together in a lot of ways - when I find myself not being as 'good' a Mum as I'd like to be because I'm a bit out of sorts or under a lot of strain - I'm really motivated not to be like that and to sort things out and to get out and be around other mums and make the effort - sometimes I think other Mums when you first meet them come across as not being 'the same' because they talk instantly of the time with their Mums or MIL and I feel like "what do I have in comon with this lady?" but I've persevered and found a group that does include Mums who are alone - and also realised that Mums with extended family still have the same stuff going on as I do...but just with different support systems!

whew..long message..sorry its a bit of a waffle!

Kat

[Kat]

Just an addition to this topic, do you find yourself getting lonely even when you do go and make the effort to socialise?

I find that a bit frustrating. Some days I really miss my husband but I'm really just missing the companionship.

I find socialising is ok, but when it comes to 'support' I'd love an extra hand around the house rather than a once-a-week trip to the park.

So far I haven't found anyone who would be interested in 'swopping' some 'at home' time e.g. coming to my house one morning and me going there one morning so we can help each other out a bit.

I have just realised that I need to speak up in person more. I will ask my mother's group next week if anyone is interested in doing this. Perhaps they won't be but it isn't going to do me any harm to ask. I can't feel any more isolated than I am now.

I'm just having a tough time, it will pass & my DD is a wonderful addition to my life - which just needs some fine tuning so we aren't so alone!

Kat

[Briannabear]

Hi! We moved to Brissie when I was 8 months pregnant for work reasons. We have no family here which makes it hard. Sometimes I think it would be nice just to have someone put a load of washing on for me! :eek: I feel guilty because I probably rely on my husband too much for support emotionally and with bubba etc. But he works such long hours. :mad: Sometimes I have to get out of the house just to see other adults! Even if I dont talk to them... it gives me some sanity! I must say though Its taken our relationship to a completely different level. We've become our own family unit! :D

[Kat]

Becca,

Yep I totally understand where you are coming from with the load of washing comment. I am the same - just that extra bit of help even once would be wonderful.

I agree that it has taken our relationship and our family unit to great places but it is hard when your partner works !!!~!

I'm going to follow through with the Mum's group and see if they want to 'swop' house days.

Kat

[Xavvysmum]

I am in the same position. My husband and I moved from London when I was 6 months pregnant and have ended up living just out of Bundaberg. A huge change! I have made one friend with a baby 1 month older than mine, I met her through a mothers group run by the hospital health clinic. It has been very difficult to meet others as they are mostly a lot younger than me and have family and friends here. Country towns are supposed to be more community minded and friendly but this one doesn't seem to be. I have been to playgroup but they are always at about 9.30 which is when my baby has a sleep.

My husband hasn't made any friends here, as he works for the family business. This has been difficult as although we get to see each other all the time and he gets to spend heaps of time with the baby we really only have each other after being pretty social people in London (going out together and separately). Hopefully things will change when we move down to Brisbane in October (we lived there before we went to London and have friends there, with kids and without). Until then, it's lots of TV and trips to Brissie to catch up with our friends.

[Kat]

I too found that the mother's group at 9:30 / 10am was in the middle of nap time and I really really don't like stuffing with things that are working. I am going to suggest this week that I'm free in the afternoons to meet if any of the ladies want to take me up on it because I can't keep doing mornings.

Also I think country towns are not as friendly as cities - at least not in Australia. I remember travelling to the UK and generally found country towns more friendly than London.

We live on the Sunshine Coast and I have found it a lot less friendly than brisbane - I wish we were going down to brissie to live in the near future but alas! stuck here for now.

Cheerio

Kat

[mumofethan]

i can completely understand how everyone is feeling in this section. We have recently moved from adelaide up to the country for my DP's work. Its really hard to find your place in a country town.

I am the oppisite to a few of the ppl here, i have a 8.5mth old son but have found that the local playgroup is mainly for kids aged 18mts+

i have resorted to trying to start my own group up here as i know there has to be more babies in the area, and hopefully more parents who are as bored as i am.

i also have the trouble of wanting to return to work but there is no childcare up here, very few jobs and i dont drive so i cant go to the next town which is a rural city.

i dont want my son to be really isolated, and back in the city he used to go to a baby playgroup and creche when i went to my mothers group.

we have no family up here, and even thou we are only about 90min away from the city my family are unwilling to drive and visit which means my son also misses out seeing his aunts/uncles and grandparents.

does anyone else worry about their children not know who their wider family are?

:)

Mum Of Ethan

[mumofone]

Hi Kat

We moved from the Sunshine Coast to Victoria in December. I thought that the Sunshine Coast was the most unfriendly place to be when you have a young child. I was really lonely and the parents groups / playgroups were full of very competitive mothers. So we gave it a miss in the end. SC people stick to them selves and we only ended up making friends with people who had moved there.
I found getting out to the park at Cotton tree really good and going for a walk and coffee at moololaba that play ground oppsite the esplanade is good and you can take a coffee overthere or an ice cream.
The people down here have been really friendly and kind. By the way I had a 2nd birthday party for Soph a few weekends ago and it went really well no tears, allthe kids played really well together. We had the parents to, so have already had an evening of dinner and chat with one lot. So all is working out!!!


:)

[Chickadee]

does anyone else worry about their children not know who their wider family are?

We moved here from Canada before we had Chloe. My parents visited us when she was 6 months and we went home for a month last year when she was 10-11 mos and she got to meet her grans and a few aunts and uncles. But of course she was so young she really didn't form any bonds.

What I did was buy a small photo album, like a small book, and start putting pictures of family & friends in it. I did that when she was about a year old and starting to really enjoy looking at books. There are pics of me and her, her and her dad together, our dogs (they're family too!), my parents, my hub's dad, her aunts and uncles and cousins, a few friends here that she would recognise, and lots of pics of just her on her own. She loves looking at it, especially her own pics! I point the people out and say names and hope that eventually when we go home next they won't be completely strange faces to her.

[Manxie]

Hi all

This is a great thread. I'm expecting my first bub at the end of July. I have already been investigating what groups/activities I can join as I am determined not to be 100% reliant on my husband which I know would drive him nuts! I have heard horror stories about mother and baby groups but will give them a go, even if you only meet one nice person its worth it!


I emigrated from the UK a few years ago and must admit I've been very lazy about making new friends/socialising. I have made friends through work but no-one that I have really clicked with. They are very diverse in ages and only one of them has a small child.

I love the idea about the photo album to show the baby their relatives and I will definately do that. I too feel sad that my family will not be as involved in this baby's life as I would have liked and will have to deal with my jealousy that my husband's family will :(

Keep the suggestions comming.

[Kat]

Hi there,

I'm glad its not just me who finds it unfriendly up here. Having said that I am a true 'local' born here as were my parents and I think you'll find that it is the semi-locals who are unfriendly (I could be wrong) - those people who've been here 20 years who don't like 'new' people!

We moved back here 4.5 years ago and we've made all of 2 friends here (none of my schoolfriends are up here) until mother's group. The first group I found really unfriendly and cliquey but I gave up on them and went along to a mothers group with bubs 2 months younger than mine but they were all so much more friendly and welcoming!

being originally not from the maroochydore area I never used to go down that way, but since being pregnant and having our bub I have discovered how nice cotton tree park is and also along the spit at mooloolaba too.

as soon as we can afford to move - years down the track due to mortgage - I think it will be back to brisbane for us as up here is so isolating and depressing.

Kat


Hi Kat

We moved from the Sunshine Coast to Victoria in December. I thought that the Sunshine Coast was the most unfriendly place to be when you have a young child. I was really lonely and the parents groups / playgroups were full of very competitive mothers. So we gave it a miss in the end. SC people stick to them selves and we only ended up making friends with people who had moved there.
I found getting out to the park at Cotton tree really good and going for a walk and coffee at moololaba that play ground oppsite the esplanade is good and you can take a coffee overthere or an ice cream.
The people down here have been really friendly and kind. By the way I had a 2nd birthday party for Soph a few weekends ago and it went really well no tears, allthe kids played really well together. We had the parents to, so have already had an evening of dinner and chat with one lot. So all is working out!!!


:)