issues with donating eggs to a friend

[alicesmum]

hi all
i realise the 'answers' to my questions below are probably in some of the other threads which i have skimmed but am too lazy to read all of them ;)

i have a friend who lost a baby girl at 38 weeks about a year ago and is having trouble conceiving again. her fertility doctor is a matter-of-fact kind of bloke who keeps reminding her of her age and the diminishing quality of her eggs etc.

i feel so much sympathy and i know she will make a great mum and i hope it happens for her. but if it doesn't happen in the next year or so, i am wanting to make her an offer, should she ever need it, of donating my eggs, after reading an article this morning about how easy it is these days (a 15 minute procedure!!!) and the recent increase in success rates of ED.

i read your comments Waffler on the other thread about how you felt it really wasn't "your" baby since the baby is carried and nourished by the other woman's body and experiences her thoughts and feelings throughout etc. Also, i liked your ground rule of the minimum requirement of yearly contact with a photo etc or more contact if the mother so wished.

I know this is something i would have to give a lot more thought to, but some initial questions come to mind:

- if you did retain some kind of relationship with the child, how might it affect your own children/family?

- because this woman is a friend and it would likely strengthen our friednship, at least for a time, might I feel some sense of loss and/or possessiveness towards her/my child??

ohhhh.... I am sure there are other issues I haven't thought of. i would really like to hear from anyone with some thoughts on these issues, so i can reflect more before I talk to my friend. i am inclined to be like a bull at a gate sometimes and blurt things out, hoping it will help (and i do think she would appreciate it a lot), but i have to exercise some restraint here and think through all the issues before i go to her.

Supermum, i know you are thinking of ED. How would you feel about donating to a good friend????

rach

[alicesmum]

i just read the thread 'info for potential donors' which was helpful, though didn't really cover issues to do with donating to a friend and how this might affect her, you, your family. i also thought of one other question which might be pretty important:

if the mother ever found herself struggling financially, what are her rights to ask you, the genetic mother, for (or demand) financial support for the child?

there is always a slight possibility for things to get ugly like they could in an alimony situation isn't there?

[provencein3]

No possibility of alimony. I believe you sign a legal agreement . Essentially the eggs you produce are yours. Once they become embryos, they belong to the recipient. There are no legal obligations on you following that. I did read very briefly of a case in the states where a woman was sueing the donor that produced her child. don't know the outcome. Perhaps Cindy can enlighten. However I think they would have to be very careful in such instances or else they will open a floodgate and no more donors for that reason.

I guess its a personal thing. I don't know that I would want the biological mother of my child constantly around, but having not been in that situation, perhaps it wouldn't bother me. I'd be concerned they would be always watching to make sure you were treating the child correctly etc but there are others that don't have an issue with it. Something you and your friend would have to discuss prior and would also be addressed in couselling.

[family_wish]

Hi Alicemum

This is something that I struggled with for a while...once I had it all sorted out in my head I believed it could work really well. I had my best friend offer to help me - we had the same ideals and expectations about egg donation so it sounded perfect. Unfortunately she had not completed her family and neither of us was willing to take the risk to do IVF (even though the risks are tiny) until she completed her family. We talked about a lot of things and the way she saw it was that she was offering an egg (well several really) that would otherwise go to waste. She is not the sort of person who would find it difficult to see a child born from her egg. But, in contrast my sister initially offered and one of the reasons that we chose not to go ahead is that she would have found seeing the child too difficult.......so I guess everyone is different.

I guess it depends on what your eggs mean to you, what egg donation means to you and how emotionally attached you may potentially become. Will you be constantly wondering about the child and how it is being treated, if it looks like you - how will you cope, is your friendship the type of friendship that would function well in a situation like this...........I am certain that counselling would cover all of this.

Good on you for thinking about your friend and offering to help her out. The world needs more people like you.

Boxxoox:ecomcity:

[jonesso]

I know this one is old-old-old but I am in a similar position and need advice/thoughts...

I have had one baby and plan to have one more, however my DH and I are not planning on getting pg again for another 18 months or more... Meanwhile we have friends who have been TTC for 5 years now and have been through IVF etc with no success. They have decided that egg donation is the way to go, but the waiting list in QLD is 3-5 years... my friend has sisters and friends in NSW willing to donate (ppl who have finished their families) but they would need to travel up to QLD constantly for counselling and the procedure and cannot be away from their own families and lives for the time required.

I am keen to donate but we could not wait until after I have had bub #2 as our friends will be late-30's by then and it could be all too late. I have read that there are risks involved with the procedure which could mean that the donor could become infertile - has anyone got any links or any specific info on this risk?

Also, there will be the relationship between my DS and the potential child that may come from my egg donation. I do not believe in keeping something like this a secret, but how will the children feel knowing that they are biologically related? From my point of view, the ED child would not be mine as I did not raise it - he or she would be 100% my friends' baby. But the question remains - what effect does would this ED child have on my DS? We are all very close and the children will grow up together and have regular contact. This is the only thing that I struggle with.

Has anyone been in the situation? How did you handle it?

Any advise is appreciated.

[sarahstarfish]

Hey Jonesso

Re medical risks, this is something you need to hear about and discuss with your clinic. There ARE things you need to be aware of and they are the best people to advise you. I don't post links for possible risks, best doing a google of clinics and reading as much as possible. From my personal experience, I have done three cycles and suffered no ill effects (that I knoiw of).

Re your friend having family/friends interstate and the logistics of donating - to be honest, clinics like Monash and QFG have been doing interstate donations for a long time and it is very possible with a bit of planning to make it as easy as possible for the donor.

* Counselling may be done over the phone in some circumstances
* All blood tests can be done at local blood lab
* All scans can be done at local IVF clinic, as well as pick-up of drugs and appointments etc.

So it's not rocket science and is completely doable - there are a lot of interstate cycles where recipients use a clinic local to their donor and go down for the counselling etc, egg pick-up and transfer. Your friend may already know all of this, but just in case she didn't. I did a cycle with a lady in Melbourne - I am in Brisbane - and I did everything at the local clinic and just flew down for egg pick-up over a weekend. If your friends went to their donor, is even less of an issue for their donor.

OK, haven't finished your family. This is such a personal decision and the line in the sand is different for everybody. My family was already finished but I know I couldn't have donated in between, for both the reasons of the minimal risks involved but also, and this may sound ridiculous, but to me I dont' like the thought of one of my middle eggs between my own children 'missing'..there I've said it! I know, it doesn't make sense, but I think I would feel 'funny' if all my children weren't born 'together'. Oh we're complex beings aren't we! But as I say, it's different for everyone and once you talk to the clinic you will have a much better idea of what is involved risk-wise etc - clinics stress they are minimal risks. Perhaps ring her clinic and talk to the donor co-ordinator or a nurse to satisfy yourself first?

Genetic half siblings / family friends growing up together. Yeah, again, everyone handles this differently. I can tell you from the other side of the fence with my first recipients having success with twins - who I've met and saw now and then until they recently moved away - that it's so important to do all that homework in your head and face those emotional issues, just as you are doing. I thought about ED for months and months and read everything blah blah blah and by the time I actually did it, my head was in such a great place about it all so when I first met the twins at three days old and was a bit apprehensive (especially of that first hit of beautiful yeasty baby smell) BUT those wee babes belonged to their mum and dad out and out, and even though I could see similarities in looks between my children, was more a biological 'oh durr of course' than anything else. We have developed a very open relationship and I feel so lucky that they have been open enough with donor conception to allow me that. However, friends already is an entirely different situation.

I think if I donated to a very close friend, someone I saw all the time, that I would have to make sure that a lot of the sticky questions were discussed and agreed on very early on. For example, hopefully all chidlren would be told, but would have to be told together, or the DC children brought up very early on with that special knowledge so it was never a surprise to be shared by another child? That close and basic family and friends who surrounded you both would know to give you all support so both families wouldn't be living with a guarded secret....many stories of DC children tell of how they know of their conception but are encouraged not to tell anyone else and grow up feeling it's some kind of dirty secret, rather than just another part of their life story. So in some ways is probably easier, less stressful and less harmful in the long run for people to be open - I don't know??

There is also the issue of a possible falling out between friends and managing that for yourself, your children and any donor conceived children. But really, if you started as you meant to go on and were very open and honest about what you both wanted and expected in the relatiosnhip, would go a long way to working through the bad patches if any came up.

Is a huge decision - cups of coffee and hugs to help you make it.

xx

[jonesso]

Thank you star fish.

I am going to speak to my GP next week and get a referral to a dr or a counsellor at an IVF clinic here so I can get all of the info that I need to make a decision. There would be nothing worse than telling my friend that I am interested and want to donate only to find out the actual % risk and the facts to decide that I can't do it, e.g. the risk of infertility to me is too high etc etc... I think that is the best path for me to go down.

I will keep you posted and let you know how it pans out.

Thanks again for you help starfish. Great post.

x Sonia

[jonesso]

Hi again.

Well I got in touch with the Monash Fertility Group and they have been extremely helpful. We have decided to approach our friends about me being their donor.

:fingerscrossed:

Will let you know what happens.

Thanks again for the advice/support.

[FOURtunate]

Hi

That's great. I am about to start cycling with a friend, and cannot wait. If you have any questions, do give a shout!

I have learnt so much from my experience so far. Have a look at my threads, where I have kept diarised updates of my journey. I hope that they help you to get your head around the many aspects of this amazing act!

Congrats on making the decision. :hugs:

[Hels*Bels]

Hi alicesmum :wave:
Firstly, I think that what you are offering to do is a very generous and kind gesture.
I thought I would add my views from a recipient's point of view. My story is slightly different as it was donor sperm that we needed and not eggs. We had a few offers from people that we knew to donate sperm but we felt that it would be too uncomfortable to have a child from someone that we knew, who would be in contact with us and the child regularly.
For that reason, we chose an annonymous donor. Luckily for us there was no waiting list, only a limited amount of donors to choose form but we are happy with the one we chose.
I think the thing that has been invaluable throughout all this is the counselling we have had. What ever way you and your friend chose to go, have heaps of couselling first as this will help with the decisions made now and in the child's future.
I wish you and your friend all the best :)

[sarahstarfish]

Woohoo! Can't wait to follow your journey and wishing you everything.

What lucky lucky friends you have, and just the way you have thought things through and are aware that it's not all chocolates and roses makes me think you will be approaching this with your head firmly screwed on.

What a huge heart you have woman, please come back and share your story if you are able to.

Love

Cindy

[pixiesmums]

My sister is going through donating her eggs to a family friend at the moment. I think that it is such a selfless act. I am so proud of my sister for wanting to do such a wonderful thing for someone else so they can bring another life into this world.

:yelclap: You are doing a wonderful thing and hope everything works out.