Would you be judging too?

[SassyMummy]

I spent the full day with a friend's friend (my friend was there too) recently.

Anyway, she has a 14-month-old daughter. While she seemed somewhat attentive to her daughter when her daughter was in the room, I was quite shocked to see her put her daughter down to "nap" EVERY two hours.

It was like, 2 hours in the cot, 2 hours out of the cot - for the full day (until she put her wide-awake, not-even-nearly-sleepy daughter to bed at 5pm).

ONE of these times her daughter clearly had a nap - she was quiet for about 2 hours, and then when her mum went to get her, she had that 'I've just woken up' face...

But every other time she was in there, she just screamed and cried. It was quite distressing - to hear a baby full-on scream for roughly 2 hours every 2 hours.

I offered my help every now and then, asking the mother if she wanted me to go check on her baby, or whatever... but she was like, "No, she's used to this."

I made some comment about her sleeping so often and the mother said something like, "Yeah, she can kick and scream all she wants, I need these regular breaks!"

I don't think I want to go over there again - it was awful, and I could tell that even my DD was getting a bit distressed from hearing it all.

I think my friend who took me there thought I could make a Mummy friend - but I think both my friend and myself were quite shocked at what we saw.

I judged her, and I thought to myself that she was selfish and mean to her poor daughter.

Would you have judged her too?

[*Cj*]

I don't know how mums can do that. I know one my self, I don't think its right.

[the_queen]

Would I judge - hell to tha YES :mad:

She is treating the child like an inconvenience - if you want a 2 hr break every 2 hours then don't have kids :crazy:

[missie_mack]

Dunno if I would judge but probably wouldnt go back to her place

[UmmInayah]

I know parents all do things differently, but yeah, I judge.. and I am sure people judge me too.

I would even go as far as saying that it's wrong to do that and maybe suggest another game or something quiet her DD can do instead of just lying in the cot - even watching TV for 2 hours every 2 hours is better than that, I am sure.

[toni796]

For a child to scream and cry for 10 mins or so when they are put down I don't think is to bad.....I do it with DS2 at times as it is the only way that he will fall asleep. But for a child to scream for 2 hours no stop. I would never have been able to handle sitting there listening to a kid scream for that long. How can she not know that this child is in distress for screaming that long? I would rather my kids be up and out of bed and playing around happy rather than in the cot screaming like that.

[Singlemama]

Yes i would of aswell. Every 2 hours ?? That ridiculous an leaving her in there for 2 hours to scream there is absolutly no need for that. Id prefer to hear my daughter playing then in her cot screaming an getting stressed out for absolutly no reason. Even when we need a break we all have to wait until they are tired before we can have one. Id be really upset about hearing DD in her cot screaming for 2hours. Theres no way i could do that.

[4babycinos]

wow, bit scary that she has to put her daughter in bed every 2hrs so she can have a break :confused: whether or not her daughter was tired.

Uhm, yep I would've been judgemental. Its not like her daughter was a 6-8mth old where they usually nap every 2-3 hrs for an 1.5-2hrs. This is a 14mth old that needs that time awake to learn and develop. How can she possibly expect her daughter to learn anything if shes stuck in a cot for most of the day.

Sorry, but I'm very open to other peoples parenting but thats just plain selfish IMO :shame:

[Fuchsia!]

i wouldn't judge her, she may have PND or something and that was her way of dealing with it. You only saw 1 day out of her life and i couldn't judge someone based on that.

The daughter may not put up a fight other days, she may happily go to sleep but because visitors were there the daughter may have been playing up and the mother wants to keep routine.

she may not have any guidence in her life. She may not know what she is doing is the wrong thing. You just never know

[westerner]

:iagree: jaxcoop

[*Chels*]

I dont think a child of that age needs a sleep every 2 hours:no:While I understand needing a break-to me thats a bit excessive.
Weird.

[zanesmummy]

i would have had the same thoughts. i let my son control cry but for no longer than 10 minutes at a time. i agree 2 hours is way to long. all parents need breaks and every 2 hours would be great but kids dont sleep like that. maybe you could suggest to your friend to get her to go and see some one. my son has never slept every 2 hours and he is 5 and a half months old and they are supposed to sleep all the time but nupe not zane.

[neostudded]

I wouldnt Judge her but id feel stressed and not go over anymore or for a long time.

Off topic but this got me thinking.

If I needed a break to function I think id enrol my son to a learning center.

[Ana Gram]

i wouldn't judge her, she may have PND or something and that was her way of dealing with it. You only saw 1 day out of her life and i couldn't judge someone based on that.

The daughter may not put up a fight other days, she may happily go to sleep but because visitors were there the daughter may have been playing up and the mother wants to keep routine.

she may not have any guidence in her life. She may not know what she is doing is the wrong thing. You just never know

:iagree: I wouldn't like to put her in the "bad parent" box unless i knew the ins and outs of her life.

[Alleykat]

so hard to say...
I guess it always easier being on the outside looking in, but I more like the approach to judge by baby's tired, hunger signs, instead of just the clock. But thats me and what might work for others different. But i couldnt personally watch my baby cry for that long. I think 10 minutes is hhoooooouuuuuuurs I just cant let her do it. Maybe you could just keep in touch asking if her everything is ok for her, maybe she does need some help, i know i dont have a mums group or anything so sometimes feel a bit alienated and if someone said babies should be 2 hours up 2 hours down, maybe she taking it very literally and thinks every other baby is like this? hard to say...

[CharlisMummy]

My DD is 14 months and I'm lucky if I get her down for 1 sleep a day! She's just too busy to sleep, lol.

I can imagine what would happen if I tried to put her down every 2 hours.

poor lil bub :(

[jbond61]

Geez, I'd love a break every 2 hours - but reality, logic, common sense and sacrifice for my child tells me I aint gonna get it!

[Ashleigh<3]

If I did that, my baby would never sleep at night.
Even now, she only likes one nap a day and it's usually an early morning/lunch time nap.
I don't mind. It gives me time to unwind but I know she'll go crazy if I left her in her cot all day.
They need to explore and enjoy themselves, keeping her busy during the day keeps her sleeping at night.

I agree with Toni, sometimes I HAVE to put my daughter in her day cot when she is screaming.
I usually keep her in there for ten minutes then I sit beside her and watch her and just answer her babble talking questions. I figure, she's frustrated but why should I hold her while she's throwing a tanty so she can hit me, it's like I'm making it easy for her. So I do chose to put her in her cot and wait for her to calm down. It works for us, might not work for others. :)

[MummaBear03]

Yep I'd be judgemental.

[Jenko]

Yes I would judge her. I think that is horrible leaving her DD to cry for 2 hours.

Maybe you could make a Mummy friend out of her and help her realise that what she is doing is not normal!

She may not know any better and lack guidance or she may be selfish and horrible...either way I still judge her.

[Lollie86]

Id probably judge her at first and then later on think that maybe it was too quick of a judgement on my part and that perhaps like jaxcoop said she could have PND or something.

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for all the replies.

I don't think I will be going back again - the combination of the fact that she did the 2 hours on, 2 hours off thing AND that she kinda laughed about it, like it was slightly amusing that her daughter was hysterical, put me off completely.

I eMailed my friend about it this morning and she eMailed back and told me that she didn't know that happened - she'd been over a few times when this woman's partner was there too, and it didn't happen... the little girl had ONE nap and was otherwise well looked after.

She also said that she was speaking to some work-mates about it (the mother is an ex co-worker of my friends... she quit when her daughter was about 6 months), and a few of them said they'd seen it happen too... but never when this woman's partner is around.

I dunno if she's suffering from anything... but it was dreadful to be around. It didn't SEEM like she was suffering from anything though... I mean, she was kinda joking about it, and rolling her eyes... she didn't seem to be depressed or any such thing - she was almost acting like it was the "normal" thing to do.

She's not a moron - she has completed her law degree and was working at a law firm (though I don't think as a lawyer), she had a number of baby books on her shelf (and while they may contain stupid advice, I doubt any of them recommed 2 hours on, 2 hours off, for a 14 month old!).

I understand the use of controlled crying... but this wasn't that. It was far from it. I too, at times, have put my screaming daughter to bed because there seemed to be nothing more I could do but have her rake my face and kick and scream at me (when she's overtired).

But this was every 2 hours, for 2 hours. It wasn't controlled crying... :no:

It was terrible to be around. It made me feel sick to be there, but I didn't know what to say or do - my friend had taken me there, so it's not like I could drive home (can't drive anyway...lol).

Maybe I should try to be a bit more open minded... but it just sickened me.

I'm glad I'm not alone in my judgement though...lol. At least it means I'm not the only one who found it appalling.

[Ana Gram]

Maybe she just hates being a mother. Or she might hate being a stay at home mum. If so, she would be putting on mask everyday so it wouldn't seem like she was suffering from any kind of depression.

It is very difficult, if not impossible, for women to talk about not finding motherhood enjoyable or fulfilling. Other people treat you like a heartless witch if you actually verbalise feeling like that. It isn't considered normal to feel like that.

I actually didn't find much enjoyable about being a mother for most of DD's life to be honest, haven't really liked being a mother until she was past 2, really hated the baby years. I hated being an at home mother, still not keen on it.

[Bibs]

Yes I would judge. Poor bub. That's really horrible. It seems she's hiding it from her partner because she does it when he's not there. If she needs so many breaks why not the put the poor bub in Child Care. Obviously bub isn't happy and she doesn't seem to be enjoying being a SAHM much.

[Little Gorilla]

Maybe she doesn't think what she is doing is wrong and doesn't know any other way of handling her child.

Maybe you could invite her to your house and she could see how you look after your little one.

Maybe meet outdoors a bit more so maybe she doesn't have the chance to keep putting her child down for a sleep.

These things just might open her eyes a bit and make her realise that what she is doing with the 2 hours down 2 hours up is wrong and not healthy for her child and especially not healthy for her as a mother.

[~Bec~]

How can listening to a baby cry and scream for 2 hours be considered a break? :confused:

[punkbaby]

I couldnt handle sitting there for 2 hours listening no way. I guess i could judge but then i would look at the reasons behind it, maybe she cant handle the child and figures its safer in the cot screaming rather than hurting it or something, not sure. I would probably say something along the lines of "oh wow she sleeps heaps or wow does she do that all the time or is it just coz there are people here. Tricky situation to be in but i guess as i wouldnt know her that well it would be hard to really comment. Mind you if it was somene that i knew really well i would be like Why do you do that for??

By the way umm being a mum you dont get a break all the time, if you do then its a case of just being lucky :) Everyone has different parenting techniques and maybe she feels this is the thing that works for her.

[our little treasures]

I don't know how mums can do that. I know one my self, I don't think its right.

So do I and I do judge! I wonder if she just wanted to keep up with the conversation you were all having? Some mums I know, do similar things to maintain adult interaction, which is very sad.

There is no way I would EVER leave my child crying although I am a mum who others would judge because I still lay with my children until they fall asleep.:yes:

[forbetoel]

I kind of feel sorry for her to say that she needs a break every 2 hours. You are meant to enjoy your kids, not try to get rid of them at any chance you can get. I have a feeling that she needs some kind of support and I hope she gets it before she looks back at her DD early years and totally regrets her actions.

[prideNJoy]

I dont think a child of that age needs a sleep every 2 hours:no:While I understand needing a break-to me thats a bit excessive.
Weird.

:iagree: What 14 month old baby would and NEEDS that much sleep!

Nah, sorry that has really annoyed me, i would absolutely judge.
I would even go as far as calling that neglect/abuse! If she can't deal with a 14 month old then she should bloody well seek help! :mad:

[forbetoel]

:iagree: What 14 month old baby would and NEEDS that much sleep!



My DS2 at 14 months still went down for a 3 hour nap at 10am and then again another 2-3 hour sleep at about 3pm. So some kids do sleep a LOT, but my son wasn't forced, he just loved his sleep, and if I didn't put him down he would just crawl up to his cot and shake it.

This woam though (That the OP is referring to) is clearly trying to force sleeps out of a child who doesn't want or need it.

[FishFace]

i wouldn't judge her, she may have PND or something and that was her way of dealing with it. You only saw 1 day out of her life and i couldn't judge someone based on that.

The daughter may not put up a fight other days, she may happily go to sleep but because visitors were there the daughter may have been playing up and the mother wants to keep routine.

she may not have any guidence in her life. She may not know what she is doing is the wrong thing. You just never know

:thumbsup::iagree:




I dunno if she's suffering from anything... but it was dreadful to be around. It didn't SEEM like she was suffering from anything though... I mean, she was kinda joking about it, and rolling her eyes... she didn't seem to be depressed or any such thing - she was almost acting like it was the "normal" thing to do.


You would never be able to tell if she had PND or not.
In fact alot of people with PND dont even know. They can think that what they are suffering through is completely normal.
Thats why so many dont get help as they dont even know there is a problem. They think they are just nto handeling life well. Little do they know they are unwell and it can be fixed.

Same with depression. I have depression but most of those that are close to me have NO idea.

[prideNJoy]

My DS2 at 14 months still went down for a 3 hour nap at 10am and then again another 2-3 hour sleep at about 3pm. So some kids do sleep a LOT, but my son wasn't forced, he just loved his sleep, and if I didn't put him down he would just crawl up to his cot and shake it.



That's fine. And like you say, some toddlers that age may need alot of sleep.
But the majority probably don't, and i guess it would depend on what time of a night they would be put down to sleep.

[forbetoel]

[quote=4boys2love;2398427]My DS2 at 14 months still went down for a 3 hour nap at 10am and then again another 2-3 hour sleep at about 3pm. So some kids do sleep a LOT, but my son wasn't forced, he just loved his sleep, and if I didn't put him down he would just crawl up to his cot and shake it.

quote]

That's fine. And like you say, some toddlers that age may need alot of sleep.
But the majority probably don't, and i guess it would depend on what time of a night they would be put down to sleep.

I hope I didn't come across as trying to dissagree with you? Just thought I would say that some kids do sleep a lot during the day, but I totally agree that the person in question doesn't have a child like that.:)

[TyBean]

How can listening to a baby cry and scream for 2 hours be considered a break? :confused:

That is exactly what I was going to say.

I too admit there are times I will put Tyler in his room and let him scream his hissy fit out... and it also gives me time to unwind and not loose it at him iykwim...

But for 2 hours on and off all day - :eek: I have never done that... or thought about it.... If Ty doesn't want to go down he doesn't. Simple as that!

[Silvana]

I do agree she may have serious problems.

My DD is 14 months and I may get 2 hours a day max. It would be nice to have longer but it is impossible and wrong to force her to have more.

Some days she sleeps more but we are all like that from time to time.

I couldn't stand hearing DD for 2 hours. It would break my heart. I have let DD go for a while but that is when she actually needs to sleep and most of the time she stops after 10 minutes. It isn't that gut wrenching scream either.

[mum1986]

unfortunatly yes iwould judge her for that. she obviously didn't want or need a nap. i have been known to let my kids cry for 5-10 mins while i have a cool-off period when they are really upsetting me. but it sounds like this happens regularly and how is she supposed to learn if she is in bed all the time. i don't like to judge, i have been judged for saying that i can't wait for my ds to start school but in a situation like that i'm afraid i would.
i probably wouldn't never talk to her again, instead i would probably make arrangments for her to visit me or meet in a public place.

[AM]

OMG! I would have been traumitised after that. Poor bubba :no:

[delirium]

I would try to not judge but I probably would. I know someone like this that was always putting their child down when they weren't tired and letting them scream for literally hours :crying:. They also tried to fob the kids off to family every chance they got. Her kids are a little older now, but I don't believe she enjoyed being a mother then, or now for that matter.

I do agree with Chellegoth that we as women, find it hard to talk about the negative aspects of parenting, and not enjoying it. Maybe she just hates being a mother?

No matter the cause, I feel sad for the child.

[TJ]

YES I am already judging her!

I dont think you should let a child cry for more than 5 min let alone 2 hours.
Kids cry for a reason!!!

I feel for that child I really do! Maybe the mother has "issues" and she isnt able to cope with the child. Either way, its NOT ON IMO!!

[~*clairesmum*~]

yeah i would thats just mean:mad:

[pinkishbunny]

Would I judge - hell to tha YES :mad:

She is treating the child like an inconvenience - if you want a 2 hr break every 2 hours then don't have kids :crazy:

Yep I agree 100% with you...Whether she has PND or not...A break every two hours for HER...come on...dont have kids!!

[Ana Gram]

To be fair, not liking motherhood is something you don't find out until after you have them.

[Fuchsia!]

I agree with you there chelle!

We don't find out how hard and stressful it is to be a parent until we are one.

I know before i had kids i had the idea i would be an awesome mum and i had a totally different vision. Im not saying i hate being a parent, i love my kids but definantly isn't as dreamy as i expected. Its a hard job and i struggle everyday and i am no where near the mother i should and could be.

If this girl has a form of depression she could be hiding it. You may never know.

I have been hiding mine for 1yr now and i couldn't even see i had it. It took a doctor and a psychologist to tell me i had it.

I think this girl needs guidence and support, she will never learn unless someone teaches her

[chicky2lala]

i wouldn't judge her, she may have PND or something and that was her way of dealing with it. You only saw 1 day out of her life and i couldn't judge someone based on that.

The daughter may not put up a fight other days, she may happily go to sleep but because visitors were there the daughter may have been playing up and the mother wants to keep routine.

she may not have any guidence in her life. She may not know what she is doing is the wrong thing. You just never know

:iagree::iagree:

[chicky2lala]

Yep I agree 100% with you...Whether she has PND or not...A break every two hours for HER...come on...dont have kids!!

You have no idea what her situation is. She might be hiding her PND, she might be one step away from losing it and hitting her child, and the only thing that keeps her sane is those breaks away when she puts babe down.
She says she needs those breaks, we as mothers should understand this. We shouldnt be judging her, we should be giving her support and thinking of ways to help her cope/give her other strategies that might work to give her the breaks she needs, ei daycare/putting a tv in the room/toys in the cot.

[chicky2lala]

[quote=Bibs;2398272]Yes I would judge. Poor bub. That's really horrible. It seems she's hiding it from her partner because she does it when he's not there. [quote]


Or maybe she copes better when he's around and doesnt need the breaks from her child. We just don't know.
Id have talked to her about why she needs so many breaks, is she coping? I'd have gently asked her if she knew this wasnt normal. Asked if there was there anything I can do to help?

[spoon]

I dont think I would judge her.

My son likes his timeout in his room. Its good for him to be happy in his own company for a while each day. As a result he is a content happy kid who will often play in his room when the house gets too noisy for him.

Maybe she does need a bit of adult time. MAybe she needs a bit of a break. Every body does at some stage.

Maybe she does not enjoy parenting babies, but will be wonderful when the child is a little older.

[Jeclipse]

TBH I would judge her too Stacey, who wouldn't!

I think its nuts that she was practically forcing her child to sleep. and I dont think kids need to sleep every 2 hours... that is crazy!


The poor lil bub:(

[prideNJoy]

This woman may have PND, need adult time or whatever else, the issue i have is that what she is doing to this baby is not right, and it will more than likely have a detrimental effect on this bub.

There is a huge difference between a baby/toddler that doesn't mind alone time and one who screams the house down becasue they are forced to be alone every two hours on and off.

Like a pp post has said, she may not be be the best at parenting a baby but she might be better at it when the child is older.
That may be the case, but by then that baby will have some 'issues'. The damage is already done! JMO.

[Roopee]

Sounds like she has what is commonly called a 'handbag' baby.

Some mother's cant distinguish between the difference of a fashion accessory and a child. Poor kid.

Maybe if she wanted 'regular' breaks she could have chosen a different career? Instead of motherhood?

I mean, i know we dont know what motherhood is like until we get there but dont we just usually do whats best for them anyway? Regardless of how 'sucky' it feels sometimes?

Honestly, even if she were suffering some kind of depression i dont kow many mothers who would be able to 'laugh off and roll their eyes' at their child's obvious distress? 2 hrs of screaming? That is alot.

[MummaBear03]

I mean, i know we dont know what motherhood is like until we get there but dont we just usually do whats best for them anyway? Regardless of how 'sucky' it feels sometimes?
I don't know about others, but the one thing I knew for sure about motherhood prior to becoming one was there were no "breaks" in the day. No lunch break, no 10 minute breaks, none of that. Also, I like how you refer to the baby as a "handbag" baby, I like to call this the "package" but essentially it's the same thing. Some people like to have the "package" which means a husband, a house, 2 cars, a big screen tv, a dog, and the token child. The child doesn't mean much more to them than simply having one :shame: :thumbsdown:

[Myztik]

If she only seems to do this when her partner is not around I would be thinking that she is not coping too well..

[Little Gorilla]

Gees, I can't believe the judgemental posts on here.

I totally don't agree with what the woman is doing - but, if I had been the person invited round to her house and witnessed this and I consider myself this woman's "friend" then I would probably have done the following:-

- invited her to my house to see how I handle my little one - sleep wise and while he was awake.

- invite her out to park/play cafe or something during the day so she is out of house and doesn't have the opportunity to keep putting the child down for a sleep.

She might just be one of those bad mums who thinks only about herself - but she also really might believe she is doing nothing wrong - she might have a bit of a lightbulb moment if she witnesses the normality of other mums/bubs day to day routine.

[ThisIsLiving]

Id probably judge her at first and then later on think that maybe it was too quick of a judgement on my part and that perhaps like jaxcoop said she could have PND or something.

:iagree:

[mixinitup]

I would have told the gal to WAKE UP! PND or no that's wrong no ways about it.

[LittleMissyMoo]

I really feel for her and the baby. She's obviously not coping with having a child if she needs a break every two hours. I think it is detrimental to the child's physical and psychological development to be left in a cot most of the day when she should be exploring and learning new things about her world. I think deep down the mother would know this.
I can understand how you would judge her though, you were in an awful position sitting listening to that child scream.
Perhaps if your friend knows her better than you, she could chat to her and find out why she feels she needs so much time out? She could suggest day care once a week for a break or offer to take the child out for an hour or so.

[Fuchsia!]

you know i have been thinking about this a little and i have come up with a scenario. Cooper sleeps almost every 2 hrs, i don't force him though. He wakes at 8am he goes down for a sleep at 10am and he can sleep for 2-3hrs, then he usually has another sleep at about 3pm for 1hr or so then he has his dinner and is asleep again.

Now maybe this is her routine, and because you were around it distrupted her routine but she felt like she had to stick with it, and maybe she is craving attention (possibly PND) and shows off a little and jokes about it.

I know this might not be but it could be? How does anybody possibly know what really goes on? Whos to say this is a one off?

I do think people are being very judgemental. Its your opinion of course but maybe before judging take a walk in her shoes and think of possibilties as to why she is doing it.

Stace i know it would be hard to go back there again, but maybe she needs your help? Maybe your guidence? Maybe even suggest bubhub and get her to realise this isn't normal behaviour. She needs help and she sounds like she isn't getting any.

Some people are natural mothers some aren't, some people have had exprience and some don't. She may have been raised like this..maybe she is going off how she was raised as a child...all i know she needs help and from what i have seen of you Stace you are a great example to show her

[poshBecks]

BUbhub is a place to support other mothers, not judge them.

This thread has DEFINATLEY run its course. It will now be closed.