How do I support my friends who are having trouble conceiving?

[greengables]

2 of my best friends are both having trouble conceiving, and I need your advice about how to best support them / what to and not to say.

Friend 1:
Is 28, been trying to fall pregnant (without drugs) for about 8 mths. Has polycistic syndrome. Has given herself till this June 08 until she sees the OBGYN for more help.

Friend 2:
Is nearly 35. Trying to fall pregnant for over 12mths. Is now on Clomid - has been for 2 mths without success.

I have 2 babies and while my friend's love them, I know that they find it hard to be around me/them.


What do I say? What do I not say? (note that I don't bring up the topic, but when they bring it up - which seems to be often, I am clueless)
How do I support them?????

[kittykatz]

I think you are a great friend to even think of starting this thread! :hugs:

[Baldie's Mum]

bless you for asking. I have a friend who is totally unsensitive to the fact that we are ttc through all sorts of things. We are at the point of IVF now and she still doesnt know when to shut up!!!
sooooo..............
Just be sensitive to the fact that they are both trying rediculusly hard......be ready to hear them cry over silly things like hubbys not taking the garbage out ect. Dont say things like "no its ok i will change the nappy" if they offer......cause to me it sounds like you are doupting our capabilities.... Ask them if they would like to help bath the baby......just include them and dont feel disheartened if they say no.

this happened to me the other day....my friend asked us if we wanted to go to the beach and park with them and some other people that we all know....but what she didnt realise was if we had gone, we would have been the only couple without kids......so slightly depressing. In saying that dont not include them, maybe mix and mingle abit.....iykwim!
oh and for god sakes dont be condacending!!! like "oh you will understand when you are a parent" (which is a comment i got the other day)

I could go on forever.........

but as i said before......bless you for being concerned!
:hugs:

[HelenHasTwins]

greengables, as the other ladies have said, it is very nice that you want to support your friends:hugs:

As someone how has been ttc for over 4 years now and has had several treatments and a few IVF cycles I can tell you what makes me comfortable and what my friends do....

I have a fantastic support group of friends and family.....

The best thing in my mind is just to listen that is all we require and a shoulder to cry on and some hugs....

We do not require solutions ( that is what the doctors are for) we just need a ear from time to time....just tell them you are there for them and thinking of them....

My friends usually stay pretty clear of me on BT day and if I get a BFN they text me because they know I will not want to talk and they leave it for a couple of days and then ring me or come and see me....after you get a BFN on IVF it is very hard to face anyone....so this works really well for me....

Just be upfront with them and ask them what would make them comfortable....

You already sound like a good friend anyway:hugs:

Helen

[rach79]

Yeah same as the others have said, also one comment that really gives me the s***s is
" It will happen if its meant to be or if it dosen't happen its not meant to be" :banghead:

[Nomsie]

I agree with everything everyone else has said.

2 things helped me out...

Firstly, when I wanted to have a whinge, I wanted someone to just listen. Not try and think of things to say, but listen. Don't feel as though you have to answer them. When they have finished their story, you can ask them how they feel, or what their next step is- anything to show your interest and comprehension of their story, but NEVER give advice of the general nature, such as "stop trying so hard and you will never know" etc.

And secondly, this is where it gets hard because it contradicts... I don't know about anyone else, but I am always sooooo curious to find out how other people conceived. Especially if they had been trying for a while. What worked for them? What was useless information etc? :laughing: I know my advice contradicts, but where is the logic in TTC?!?!?!

[kel262]

You are a wonderful friend for trying to find out how you can most help!!!:thumbsup:
I agree with what the other girls have said. One of the things I find best is being really open and talk about how they are feeling. But dont say some of the standard things that drive me nutts!!!!:hair: Such as "It'll happen when it happens" or "stop thinking about it so much, your stressing too much" only people who have concieved easily would say these things, and not understand how it can consume your thoughts totally. I have often thought about hurting the innocent party that has said them.
Again its beautiful that you are taking the time to research how best to help your friends.:flowerz:

[aden2005]

Im having troubles concieveing and i think theres one thing you shouldent say to your friends "YOUR TIME WILL COME".

Just be there to listen to them and let them vent :) Just be the good friend that your probably already are :hugs:

[kali]

I agree - well done for being a concerned friend. I think that is the main first step: you are aware this is a tough time for your friends.

Yes - my main peeve (TTC 2 years before conceiving thru IVF) was people giving me advice - 'take a holiday', 'relax', 'go vegetarian'.... I hated that!

At the same time - i didn't want people to pussy foot around me when I was going through my three IVF cycles. I really wanted my friends and family just to check in and see how I'm feeling. If you're friends are on clomid - this can have unpleasant side effectsd. Maybe just check in with her and see how she's feeling. Its nice to know someone cares and knows its tough.

I never had a problem with other people's kids. But i guess it does make you feel a bit like 'i wish it was me'. Doesn't mean I don't love my friend and her kids though. I guess just acknowledging with them that you understand if they have those feelings.

[Baby Dreaming]

As the others have said you are such a good friend to ask.

I have many of the same likes and dislikes as the others. I am always very open with my friends. I do not normally find being around kids and babies hard, but I do have my moments.

I think it is great you are asking ask but why not chat to your friends. They will understand that your not always sure what you should and shouldn't say. They may be thankful to clear the air a little and know that they can also talk to you.

It is hard I know. I have been TTC since June 06 and have just recently had a m/c. Some of my friend are now overly concerned about mentioning thing. Really I can handle most things. In my mind life must go on.

You are a great friend to them.

[greengables]

so ladies pls Tell me if this is ok - when they vent or make a comment I do say to them is stuff like:

"Oh I can't wait till u have a baby! It's gonna b so cute! how exciting"

"You are gonna be such a good mum"
"It must be disapointing . frustrating"
"how annoying!"
"i just know it's gonna happen"

i LOVE the fact that they're so helpful with the babies - i let them do as much as they want (ie bath, story, rock 2 sleep, nappies - evrything except feed as i am breastfeeding)

Can ne1 tell me a bit more about clomid? i'm gonna research it actually but some info would b good.

[ringneck]

you sound like an excellent friend kudos to you for being supportive :) not much to add just one thing dont ever complain about how naughty your kid is and how fed up you are ( if you do) i have a friend like that and it really annoys me its like at least you have one be grateful. if your kids sick thats ok whinge away but just things like oh they havent stopped following me around they always want attention etc it drives me nuts when my friend does it.

[Baby Dreaming]

Hi,

Clomid is a drug that basically tries to encourage the body to ovulate. It helps if your cycles are inconsistent, you don't ovulate or if you egg quality is possibly poor.

Unlike treatment in IVF they simple encourage the body to do the right thing it doesn't force it.

There are side effects. Best to look them up. The most common seems to be headaches and hot flushes. Like really annoying hot flushes. For some reason middle of the morning like 3 am or something seems to be the goer. Another is poor sleeping in general. Normally these are on for the days you take the drug (5 days) plus maybe a day or so. I noticed big side effects the first month but it got better after that. If you want a bubba I think it is worth it.

I think the things you respond don't seem too bad. Sometimes we just need hugs.

I wish you and your two friends all the best.

If you have a specific question regarding clomid PM me or come and visit the clomid support thread and one of us should be able to help.