need to vent and no-one to listen

[Mumma_al]

I just have to get this off my chest. I've got no-one I can talk to and its been keeping me up at night.

I have known for a while now that DP's ex-wife used to work at a brothel. DP said that he found out from friends after they split and it was before he met her.

Well last night I was cleaning up and found DP's old diaries that he used to record everything when he was going through his divorse. I started to read it, (yes i know i probably shouldnt have) It was before i met him and he wrote that he went to the Brothel that she was working at and saw her car outside, so he went in and confronted her, she said she was only doing massage but was sure it was more. He then writes that he went to her place (as at this stage they were living seperatly) and stayed the night and had sex with her.

I know all this happened before we met. But i cant get it out of my head. I also wonder if he accepts her being a prostetute and sleeping with other men while they were married, what are his value's. He knows exactly were i stand on that issue. I will not accept any form of cheating. Another thing that bothers me about this is that he fought very hard to try and keep there marrage together, even while she was clearly sleeping around, ( she also had affairs) yet he can be such an a**hole to me and i would never even dream of doing something like that. He still gives in to her when she wants something. Yet he is so hard on me.

It makes me wonder if he still loves her? And does he really love me?

I know i should probably tlak to him about this. I just dont know where to start.

[Jem]

aww mate, big(((hugs))) i would be talking to him asap.. not good to let feelings like that sit and stir......well i know i wouldnt anyways :o :fingerscrossed:

[heymamma]

Yes i think you should let him know how u feel.

[reAllytee]

This is really hard to say what to do i mean you read something of his that is personal & that you had no right to read. Plus this was before you two even got together.
So be very careful going into this as you do not want to bring this up & it will only make it worse at it will seem like you dont trust him that being said maybe you dont :confused: .
Dont get me wrong i understand that it must hurt etc but if you hadnt read it you wouldnt know right & things would still be fine. If you have talked about your relationship with him & where that stands were he to cheat then thats all that matters. Same with when it comes to how you want your finances to how you want to raise your kids as long as its been talked about then you have made a commitment to each other.

Talk with him if something is bothering you about your relationship but i would be careful where you go with this as i said before.

[bronny-jane]

mumma al:hugs: , i hope you've had a chat with him.
i'd be worried to, but people are ex's for a reason.
i dont think you ever stop loving someone but feelings just fade.
i'd tell him i read his diary and question him on why he did it, but i dont know what your realtionship is like, so you know whether or not that would be a good move.

im getting a feeling that you might be paranoid that he might cheat on you with her?

just be sincere when and if you confront him, let him know how much you love him and that your worried that he might still have strong feelings for her.

be aware though that you might hear things you dont want to.

best of luck.

[Mumma_al]

I havnt talked to him yet. I dont really know how to approach it. We arnt really that good at talking about these kind of feelings. When i have tried to talk to him in the past he shuts off, especially when its about his Ex, which is fair enough. I can totally understand. and i dont expect him to talk about it if he doesnt want to. I also respect the fact that he was obviously going through a very emotionally rough time trying to hold his marrage together.

His ex is such a Huge part of our lives, I guess i struggle to deal with it. She is such a manupulating swine (if you have read any of my previous post's, youd know all about how she abuses the kids, My step sons) She is always in our face and trying to pluck information out of the boys about DH and me.

Im not worried about DH cheating on me with her. I know that will never happen. I guess im more concerned about if he was ok with her cheating, maybe he thinks that its ok for him to do it with other people.

I know I shouldnt have read his diary. I'd guess i'd be anoyed if he read mine. :banghead: I know everyone has baggage, DH sure came with an entire truck load of it.

[natasha]

I know it's easier said than done, but I think you really have to forget you ever saw it.

How is your relationship at the mo? If it's fine then you should already know his values. If you have doubts about his loyalty to you then this diary is just what you have been looking for. In other words, if you are constantly looking for problems, sooner or later you are going to find one.:thumbsdown:

I found some old letters of my husbands written to his ex wife that completely contradicted all of the things he had told me about their marriage. It bothered me for weeks. I finally confronted him about it and all hell broke loose.

He said he did it to protect me and he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He said that he didn't want his past interfering with his future (me) so he thought it was for the best.

And to be fair, I can completely understand that. It actually upset him that I thought he would have lied to me just because he wanted to.

I didn't think as to WHY he kept it from me.

Maybe the same applies in your situation. Maybe he is ashamed that he put up with it for so long ,so that's why he's so hard on you, because he's making up for being a sucker to her for all those years (exactly what my DH does), and he doesn't want it to happen again.


My DH's ex wife also cheated on him lots, and he put up with it. It doesn't mean he thinks it's ok.

I think you need to leave it alone. Try and understand why you think he has kept it from you or lied to you. Do you honestly think he did it to hurt you? Coz i don't.

Hope this helps. Let us know your decision.:thumbsup:

[Tam-I-Am]

Hey Mama Al,

Have you thought that it might not have anything to do with him thinking that cheating is alright, but that maybe he put up with her cheating on him because he really had no self-esteem, had no confidence to leave her, and didn't think he could find anything better - maybe this is why he never told you about it too - I don't think that I'd want to admit to someone that I loved that I'd once felt that way about myself.

I think without trust, a relationship falls apart really quickly and I guess you have to decide - are you willing to accept that, although you don't want secrets in your marriage, there are going to be some things that your husband keeps from you, for his own reasons, that don't impact on your relationship?

I don't know that this is the reason he kept this stuff from you for sure, but I think that if you've married this guy, had a baby with him, created a life with him - you must have thought that he was worthwhile at the time. Is everything you know of him negated by what you read in his diary? Or is there another possible explanation. Just think about your past - are there things that you did or had happen to you that you haven't told your husband about - and if so, why? Is it because you don't trust him? Or is it becasue you don't want to appear foolish/silly/stupid/naive/etc etc in front of someone whose love and respect you want?

Good luck, I hope you find some peace in your situation. I'll be thinking of you.

[Mumma_al]

Thankyou everyone for your replies.

I had a good long hard think about it all and I guess that if i was in his shoes that I wouldnt want to tell him that, 1. so i wouldnt have to bring up bad memories and 2. because i wouldnt want to look foolish.

I talked to DH about our relationship. I didnt mention anything about his diary or what I read. I kept it pretty general and asked him our how he see's our relationship and reassured him that I would never leave him. From what he said and how he said it, he seems to be alot happy with our family now than what he ever was with his ex :smiliedance: and glad that she's out of the picture.

I guess next time i should just talk to him instead of getting my knickers in a knott.

But thanks to everyone with your great advice it really helped me to clear my head. Where would i be with out this place :hugs:

[reAllytee]

Oh im so glad all is well :hugs:
Its amazing what a good talk can do !
All us girls often get our knickers in a knot LOL tis because we have more emotions than the boys i think :p
This is what this place is for anytime you need it :hugs: