I've failed him

[JodieC]

The past week my bub has been really difficult to feed, he feeds for a few minutes then screams, so i swap sides, feed for a few minutes and then more screaming.

He had an appointment with our family GP yesterday in which he was weighed, he had gained less than 200g in 5 weeks :( My dr didnt say anything about it except he would weigh him again at 6 months, but then when i got home i thought about the changes happening with him over the past couple of weeks and realised that hes not getting enough from the breast.

So last night i fed him at around 5, which he screamed the entire time, then had to feed him again at 6.30 and he just kept screaming and screaming, DF asked if i wanted him to go down and get some formula, i said yes please.

When he got back i made DS a bottle and he guzzled it down, afterwards he was so happy and smiling at everyone. I was sooooo happy to have my lil man back to normal, but sooo incredibly sad that i couldnt make him happy.

I feel like such a failure :crying:

I guess on the plus side i'll finally have my body back and be able to start that diet :crying:

[rynosmum]

In no way have you failed your little bubba. If you know that formula would fix the problem and did nothing about it, it would be different but when you did realise, you switched him straight over.

You're doing the right thing by your little man, your a great Mum and the fact that breastfeeding wasn't successful for you both this time round may be disappointing for you, but is no sign of failure.

My mother formula fed me after a few weeks and I absolutely adore her. By no means would I ever consider that she would have failed me. Same with you.

Keep smiling !:D

[Cheeky Little Monkey]

It is amazing the guilt we put on ourselves in this situation.
No you have not failed your baby. You tried your best and sometimes things or situations, no matter how we intend them to be, just dont quite work for us.
I went through the guilt (and sometimes still have pangs of it) when I switched my baby to formula, but I tell you the relief I felt when I could see her drinking down that white stuff far outweighed the guilt I was feeling.

[Jo_Jo]

hi jodieC

I agree us woman really are very harsh on ourselves when this happens, and sometimes when we are run down our milk can really loose nutritionall value, and i think the bubbies really tell us when its not right, you are a great mum and you have gave bubby a great head start!!! iv,e found this breastfeeding thing very different with each baby, my first i had no problems,second same thing happend screamed when on the breast i had him on formula after 2 weeks of him being born and never looked back!!! and the #3 im still breastfeeding now and he is 11 months and i had heaps of trouble at the start his mouth was to small he had to learn to suck, then i got ill we had a hospital stay:ecomcity: it goes on and on but cheer up mate as long as bubs is happy and full thats all that matters mum!!!

cheers...jo

[bronny-jane]

you havent failed at all. i bottle feed both my dd's as my first couldnt latch on, boy was she happy and content with her first formula feed, i knew i'd made the right decision. dont bring yourself down about it, i know im a great mum, breastfeeding doesnt mean your a better mother, if your baby wasnt settled and losing weight, then you had no other option, i think what you've done took great courage and im sure seeing bubs sleeping contently in his crib will reinforce that bottle feeding is not a bad thing.

good luck with your dieting.

[reAllytee]

Dont ever feel a failure.
You have tried your best & even kept at it to try some more.
Bubs will be happy & healthy either way !
Have a good look at yourself in the mirror & see what a fine job you are doing as a strong woman & mama !
:hugs:

[BelindaBB]

Oh you poor thing. Breast feeding is so tough and I know coz I am going through it for the first time now.

You haven't failed him at all. You have done everything you can to give him the best start you can.

You should congratulate yourself for what you have done already.

All the best:hugs:

Belinda

[JATS]

My son went through a stage like this, it lasted about a month then he went back to feeding happily! Don't write yourself off just yet, like most things we go through as mothers all it takes is a bit of commitment and you'll pull through! :hugs:

[cosmic]

I was talking to a lactation consultant yesterday and she said that quite often when something like this happens, she just needs to ask a few questions and can usually tell fairly quickly what the problem is and help mums to fix it.

If you are really happy to switch to formula, Jodie then don't feel guilty. But if you think you'd prefer to breastfeed for longer then perhaps talking to a professional lactation consultant before giving up completely wouldn't be a bad idea. I know you feel a lot of relief right now (understandably!) but so many mums look back with regret and wonder if they did all they could. And I don't know how many times I've read of mums trying to re-lactate after giving up breastfeeding.

Of course whatever you decide has to be best for you and your baby. I just thought I'd suggest the LC if you hadn't considered it. :)

[ThomasMum]

Hi JodieC, pls dont say or feel that you have failed. Your bub will love you nomatter what :thumbsup:, so dont feel bad and pls DO NOT feel guilty or regretting the past. As long as your son is happy and healthy, and of course you are too, thats all the matter! :hugs:

[HoopDeeDoo]

My son decided he didn't want to BF anymore at 4 months, I felt awful, until I saw how happy he was to get a proper feed from his bottle. You gave him the best start, and whats more important for him is that he is having full feeds, and he has a happy mum :hugs:

[middlecm]

Hi JodieC

We are experiencing exactly the same thing at the moment.

My adorable 8 weeks old son (baby no2) has just been swapped to bottles after refusing to breastfeed at all. Similar to you, since birth he has been a very 'fussy' feeder to the point that I dreaded feeding times. In desperation, I gave him a bottle of formula at 6 weeks and it was amazing you could actually see him take the teat into his mouth and relax and have the calmest feed ever.

Slowly over the next 2 weeks he became worst on the breast, till in the end if I even put him in the postion to breastfeed he went nuts.

So... I now have a happy 8 week old who is being feed a combination of expressed breast milk and formula, all from the bottle.

Please dont feel bad as you are not alone in your decision.... anyway I know of some bubs that left the maternity ward being fed bottles, so we have done pretty good. Anyway I'ld rather have a happy contented baby with a bottle then the fighting screaming baby on the breast.

Keep smiling.

Christine
Callum and Aaron

[JodieC]

Thanks for your support guys, i really need it at the moment.

I will keep trying to express and probably top him up after a breast feed.

I was feeling really really down about it yesterday and just needed someone to tell me i wasnt a horrid mother

[Goosie22]

My son went through a stage like this, it lasted about a month then he went back to feeding happily! Don't write yourself off just yet, like most things we go through as mothers all it takes is a bit of commitment and you'll pull through! :hugs:

That is damn good advice, If you are going to use formula to comp feed your baby you need to understand that your supply is not going to be increased through the growth spurts and therefore you will wean early (WHO recommends Breastfeeding for 2 years). If that is what you want then fine BUT if you want to continue Breastfeeding you need to stop comp feeding and offer the breast frequently to build up your supply. You could also try Fenugreek, rasberry leaf, milk thistle or go straight to the GP and ask for Maxalon(metaclopromide)/Motilium( domperidone ) to boost up your supply.

[lukaelmo]

No no no!

You haven't failed your little man; you saw that he needed something and you went about getting it.

Look at your happy little one slurping down his formula and know that you are being the best mummy that you can.

[vespertine]

I just want to say that sometimes there are hurdles in breastfeeding, it's not always smooth sailing but if you persist, it's often well worth it in the end. Breastmilk is really the best food for a baby, and I'm pretty dedicated to doing whatever it takes to provide that, even if it gets hard. I second the idea of trying to boost your supply, there is a tea called Waleda Nursing Tea that might help, or fenugreek or blessed thistle. Try a naturopath for advice. I think there's too little support for breastfeeding Mums out there, and misinformation. Rather than sit here and sugar coat things for you, and pat you on your back and feel sorry, I'd feel more helpful encouraging you to continue bfing and seek further help rather than give up. It'll benefit your baby enormously, aswell as you. Often women don't have the correct help to overcome their problems and give up, thinking that that they can't be helped, when often that's not true! Have you tried calling the ABA helpline? It runs 24 hours and the counsellor will be able to help you out once you give her a more detailed description of your situation. It's certainly not the end of the world that you have a comp feed to your babe, but it would be so devestating if you gave up your breastfeeding relationship simlpy because you didn't have the right help. There are very very few women who CAN'T breastfeed but mant who THINK they can't.

Besides the fact that breastmilk provides awesome antibodies for your bub which helps fight infection and illness and build their immune system, it's also the perfect nutritional food and adapts to your baby's needs. Formula is better than it used to be, but really, it can't compete with breastmilk. Plus, not having to get up and prepare bottles in the middle of the night, not having to lug equipment around with you, sharing those beautiful moments when bubbas mouth is full of breast and he gives you a big milky grin, and being able to feed anywhere at any time with no notice, there is so much to look forward to if you can just persevere the rewards will be great!

You can do this, I have faith in you! Rather than feel guilty, get informed, get some support, and get determined. Hooray for your awesome boobies that sometimes need some help to co-operate :) I had a very fussy little guy when he was a bit smaller, who had wind pains and used to cry and didn't seem to want booby much... but we got through that and now he's a big booby fan, he seems so in heaven when he snuggles into my breasts for a feed!

[JodieC]

Thanks but some of the comments have made me feel worse, although i know this wasnt your intention, atleast i hope not anyway :confused:

There is so much going on in my life at the moment and im constantly feeling stressed. My FIL is extremely ill in hospital (in NZ) with cancer of the bowel and liver, my DF wont talk about it (because apparently he doesnt have any emotions, so he says) but i can see the hurt in his eyes.

I also have 2 other children who see me breastfeeding bubs as the opportunity to fight with each other, kind of hard to relax and feed while children killing each other is the background noise.

I talked to the CHN yesterday and she told me that stress or pregnancy can cause breast milk to suddenly dry up, so i rushed out and bought a pregnancy test (a 3 pack actually) and wooohooo im not pregnant :smiliedance: and actually just got my period (10 days late but better late than never).

As for comp feeding reducing my supply further, i beg to differ. If it wasnt for my breastpump and comp feeding of formula i would never have fed him as long as i have.

I have one flat and one inverted nipple, and my inverted nipple is also extremely scarred from a firecracker hitting me when i was 5, and my bub had a lot of trouble latching on, and would scream and scream when i tried putting him near my breast, it would take me atleast an hour to feed him each time, it was extremely stressful and i would spend the whole time in tears, and because he couldnt latch on properly i ended up with terribly cracked nipples so i decided to put him on formula and express as much as i possibly could. After a couple of weeks my nipples finally healed and i decided i still wanted to breastfeed, even though i knew that my supply was nowhere near where it was before, so i let him feed as long as he wanted and then topped him up, after a couple of weeks i stopped the comp feeding, and until a couple of weeks ago i had an oversupply of milk.

I thought that my breasts had just settled down and it wasnt until i saw how wet his nappies were yesterday that i realised that i hadnt seen them that wet in quite a while, even though he had only had 2 bottles.

This whole breastfeeding thing is making me upset and irritable and have now found myself snapping at my other 2 kids, so am really not being the best mother i can be to them.

Ultimately I have to put the family as a whole first and do whats best for all of us, so I decided this morning that I am no longer going to beat myself up about it. Just because someone makes a decision to bottle feed does not make them any less of a mother

[draught]

Jodie
I think you have just demonstrated why it is that we should never judge another mother - none of us know what is going on behind the computer screen. You have doen a very good job to get to this point. Do what you need to do to keep your baby and your family going and don't feel that you have failed him.

Wishing you peace and love for the times ahead with your family.

[munchkin05]

i went through it all with ben fro mabout 2wks old he was having a bottle at night plus when ever i thought he would need a top up

at around 9 wks ben refused the bottle all together and now that hes 9mths i still cant get a bottle near him
we went to lactation consultants etc we where going to our health nurse once a week

they were a little conserned about weight gain so we started ben on solids at 4 1/2 mths and he loved them but he still only put on a little bit of weight

we went to the chn 2 weeks ago for his 9mth check and in 2 months he had only put on 300g but shes not worried now because he has always looked healthy and with the amount he eats she said not to worry

i also went to the doc and was on tablets called motillium i was on them for 1 mth have still got a heap in my cuboard but they help with milk production the lactation consult that i spoke to at king edward recomended them

but unless you really wantto give up i say just keep trying it will all work out in the end
and weather you breast feed or bottle feed dont feel like you have failed ur bub cause thats the last thing hes goingto remember and im sure your a fantasic mother

[chillifly]

JodieC,

What do you want? Do you want to breastfeed, bottlefeed or both? Choose what you want and do it. Stuff what other people say or reckon is best. What works best FOR YOU, YOUR BABY, and YOUR FAMILY??? Figure it out and do it. There's no need to feel guilty about it, millions of kids have been bottlefed and they're just fine.

My bub refused the breastfor 2 weeks - screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed. One morning she just latched on and we were away. I've just come back from gallbladder surgery where she's spent 5 days on the bottle, I've lost a truckload of my milk supply and have a 7 inch cut on my belly which makes breastfeeding excruciatingly painful. She's back to screaming and refusing the breast because she knows there's an easier option. Tough for her. I want her to breastfeed because she's so darn small and needs all the extra help she can get. The next week or so is going to suck, but I'm prepared for that. My DH is 100% behind me and my MIL is here for a week or so to help out.

It's what's best for us - she's just gotta get with the program.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Charlie Angel]

I understand how you feel as i only lasted about 3 weeks breastfeeding. I developed a cyst the size of a golf ball overnight, which just kept growing & growing. My breast became so painful I couldnt let bubs near it as it was sheer agony! My little one obviously wasnt getting enough to drink from just one breast & constantly cried because he was hungry so i had to swallow my pride and gave him some formula. I took turns with feeding & fed him breast milk & formular but my milk only lasted 2-3 weeks. I had the cyst drained 5 times before they operated on it. They ended up removing a cyst 10cm in width & 15cm in depth. After the operation I felt really down & like i had failed my bubs. The ridiculous amounts of painkillers & a nurse coming everyday for 4 months to do the dressing didnt help how i felt either.. But eventually i came to realize that i did all i could do and that was my best. My baby seemed to be sooo much happier after going onto formula & thats really all that matters anyway....

[Tam-I-Am]

Jodie,

although I agree with some of the others that "breast is best" I think that this sentiment is over expressed too - Basically it comes down to this - There are hundreds of millions of billions of babies out there who have been fed formula and ARE JUST FINE!!!!!

If b/f is not working for you and your situation (and it certainly sounds as though you have enough stress on your plate) then, I think far more important than breastfeeding is being a good mum to your kids. And from what you've written, you are a FANTASTIC mum!

Don't listen to anybody who makes you feel bad about yourself, your life or your decisions. You know what's best for you and your family. At the end of the day, you're the one who lives your life, not us, so do what you need to do.

Having said all of the above, if you want to continue breastfeeding, then I would advise to get some professional help - you can re start breastfeeding ages after you've stopped, as long as the ducts are still producing some milk, you can build up your supply again. If you don't want to keep going - then ignore what I just said - LOL!

Good luck with your situation. Just remember, don't let anybody make you feel less than the fantastic, loving, caring mother that you are. Far more important than what you stick in his mouth at the moment is what you give to him from your heart.

[Notchalk]

Hi, I just wanted to add that getting your period can cause a temporary reduction in supply. If you can drink more water and take a galactagogue such as fenugreek during this time you can get through it, hopefully with minimal or no top-ups.

However, if you don't WANT to breastfeed anymore, and pressuring yourself into it is making you more stressed, your body will get the idea and reduce your supply anyway. Just don't stop suddenly, as you will be at risk of mastitis.

If you DO want to breastfeed this bub longer, then DO it... as often and for as long as you can. Go somewhere where the other kids' noise can't penetrate, relax... try some skin-to-skin, have a bath with your bub and BF. Get back to your primal self ;)

Good luck with whatever you decide. Be gentle on yourself... being a mother is HARD, whether you breast or bottle feed.

Jo

[chillifly]

Thanks Jo for posting about the fluids and period. I'd never heard of milk supply dropping due to having a period, but I got my first period (5 days after finishing my 'loss':thumbsdown: ) and DD has been a fussy little cow when I'm trying to feed her. Wondered if it was the milk. Why aren't new mum's told this as part of their baby/parenting education?!?!?!?!?

[Tam-I-Am]

Also regarding periods - the hormones can apparently make the milk taste a little funny, so that may also be the reason why bubbas fuss a bit or refuse the breast all together around this time - Don't worry, if this is the problem, it does go away when you're several days into your period and the hormones settle down a bit.