View Full Version : 12 month old doing what would appear to be tantrums...
Hello all. I know that dealing with tantrums is technically for the "discipline" forum, but I don't want any advice about smacking or anything like that, as I am not into that, so I thought I'd try here.
My 12 month old has just started throwing some pretty good tantrums. I understand that he is coming up to a stage in his life where he knows what he wants and cannot express it, and that his frustrations are probably manifesting themselves as "tantrums". I don't want to "punish" him for being angry or frustrated. I want to try and teach him that it is not OK to hit, scream, and throw things when he is frustrated. I want to teach him healthy ways of expressing frustration. I know that is very difficult, particularly when he cannot talk, and at the moment we are limited to pointing and grunting as our main means of communication (apart from what I just "know", you know?).
I am trying SO hard to be calm with him when he is getting out of control. But I want to know something practical that I can actually DO while all this is going on.
Does anyone know of anything you can do at this age to ease a tantrum? I don't want to "reward" him for the out of control behaviour - but more than that I don't want him to feel that I am withdrawing any love or connection with him while this is going on. I want to clearly express to him that what he is doing is not appropriate. Is that possible at a young age?
Any mums out there with any exprience or advice in this area?
Maybe it is just his nature; both his mum and dad are quite headstrong ;) Not at bad thing if you know what to do with it!!
Cheerio, and happy parenting!
Hiya Aleksander'sMum
I'm by no means a natural parenting expert / advocate, but I also don't agree with yelling or smacking - so I'll be brave and reply...
I try to ignore my DDs when they are having tantrums and never give them what they want until they calm down. I ask them to calm down and then we can discuss what it is that they want. Now the "calm down" bit works much better on DD1 than DD2 (she's a bit older), but you might try distraction with your son, it can work well for toddlers.
When DD2 slaps at me I always hold the slappy hand, correct her and tell her not to do that (she is more headstrong than DD1 :rolleyes: , who never hits anyone and never has).
Best of luck, I'm sure wiser heads than mine will come in with more good advice.
Cheers
Chickadee
21-03-2006, 21:24
My DD started tantrums at around 14 months I think. It's fairly common to start as they are getting more mobile and independent.
My strategy is pretty much as Xkwzit uses. Keep calm and ignore her as long as she's in a safe place. If we're out somewhere like a shopping mall I will stand or sit next to her but not try to pick up her boneless body from the floor (she mastered collapsing in a heap). When she starts to calm down I'll talk to her calmly and offer a distraction that only requires a simple yes from her. And then lots of cuddles. The distraction would not be a treat but only something we do regularly that I know she enjoys, like a favorite game or colouring, so that it doesn't become a special "reward" for the behaviour. At that age I didn't try to reprimand her tantrum or even say that it was something she shouldn't do. She was just frustrated, not bad.
If she hits I catch the hand and tell her "no thank you", which is the same phrase I've used for correction since she was 4 months. As she's gotten older and understood more I've also told her that it hurts mummy and not to hit. At just over 2 she still hits me nearly daily but never hard and always says sorry straight away.
You might also look at helping your son out with some non-verbal communication. I've heard great things about baby sign language.
Good luck
Mother Duck
21-03-2006, 21:49
Hi A's Ma - and hello you other two you!
You have written some things here that I really agree with - in particular the headstrong part - I think it is wonderful that I have a headstrong girl - I just hope I am equipped to teach her what to do with it!
M has thrown tantrums of varying degrees ever since WAY early (first 'series' at four months old :eek: ) - I have developed a number of techniques with her that seem to work well
MarthaM mentioned one thing that I use as a rule (I got it off someone here at the hub - probably you Martha!) - I always say 'No thank you' instead of No - this works really well
I keep calm no matter what she does. I don't leave her as I have a thing about ignoring - as in walking away - I simply sit down near by - I will not pick her up no matter what, even if it is a really ugly one in public - I just mentally resolve myself that this is going to be a written off half hr, or hr!
The thing that I have found works THE best is that I tell her to 'use big breathing' and 'calm down' - I just keep reapeating it in a calm and quiet voice - and I give an example by exaggerating my own breathing. She mimicks this really well and it helps her get over it.
Baby sign language - I just can't say enough about it!!!!!!!!!!
I have been teaching M sign since about 6 months and she is well into it by now
It is tempting to think that it is too late to start now with A but I think he will pick it up as quick as you like - there is a thread on baby sign with some great links on it somewhere around the hub
There have been several tantrums mid flight that have been stopped short when M signed what she wanted and I realised I was misunderstanding her
Although most of her little hissy fits are when she is tired etc - unavoidable with an intelligent and willfull bubba!
Anyway - :ecomcity: - hope this helps - feel free to pm me for more info etc and good luck
PS - I don't smack either - but DO use time outs and don't use them as a threat but DO it when I say I will etc - I have DH doing the same too - our general rule is if she has been told three times, a warning for time out and then time out straight away!
Works like a charm!
reAllytee
21-03-2006, 22:05
Ok im going through this same thing atm it must be the stage to start !
Especially when they are wanting to do so much yet cant etc.
My thing is & dont shoot me down here is i "tap" his butt which is cloth nappied so its only enough to get his attention when he is doing something like playing with powercords or powerpoints. This is only when i have tried to take him away or give him something else to take his interest a few times to which i resort to this. I dont believe in doing it when he is throwing a tantrum or the likes as it is just frustration etc.
Now you have given some great pointers girls but im confused so bear with me here
Jessie - You said you use time outs. How does that work when they are so little i didnt think they would work at this age ? Sorry its just i cant see bubs sticking to his time out so in turn would lead to more frustration. What are your pointers etc ?
Martha - You say using the " no thank you " is a winner when they hit or the likes whereas ive tried " please dont " in a lower tone so he understands the difference yet he will still persist & its quite upsetting at times when all i seem to cop is him lashing out at me. Does it take a certain amount of time etc ?
Does baby sign language really help that much ?
If i sound stupid i apologise im just so lost atm i dont know where i am !
Sorry A's mum i dont mean to hijack the thread im just at a point like you where i have tried so many things ! Will start another thread about baby sign as im interested in others feed back .... Shall toddle off now :o
rynosmum
21-03-2006, 22:15
We also don't smack at all. If DS throws a tantrum, I try to work out why he is frustrated and generally it's because I have let a situation occur when he is tired or hungry that is just overwhelming him. In that case, I try to remove him from the situation and distract him.
When he was less than a year old, he threw a couple of days of severe head banging, extended screaming tantrums. Someone here on BH advised me to cut preservative 282 out of his diet which we did and never ever saw that behaviour again...well, under this weekend just passed when we went away and he filled up with bread for a couple of days at the hotel...which we didn't monitor for preservative.
He has calmed down now but for about 24 hours we literally were unable to even look at him without him screaming or throwing things etc.
Maybe a coincidence but Im starting to be convinced !:detective:
Mother Duck
21-03-2006, 22:35
"tap" his butt which is cloth nappied so its only enough to get his attention when he is doing something like playing with powercords or powerpoints
I should clarify - we don't smack UNLESS it is absolute danger ie big truck coming etc - and then it is a short sharp on the thigh etc - I think I have done it twice ever - anyway this is a whole other thread in itself but as a rule we don't smack!
Jessie - You said you use time outs. How does that work when they are so little i didnt think they would work at this age ? Sorry its just i cant see bubs sticking to his time out so in turn would lead to more frustration. What are your pointers etc ?
Don't underestimate your little love! - They understand so much! The phrase time out is a really obvious one to identify as well. We (as I say DH has become really good at using these too!) ask her nicely then get firmer in asking when we are ignored - when I realise that she is really ignoring I mentally count how many times I have asked her. If it is three or more I say clearly " M - mummy has asked you three times, do you need a time out?"
She will actually shake her head and say "no"
Then I say "well then do such and such" or "stop such and such"
If she still persists - I go and pick her up straight away, holding her away from the body so its not a cuddle etc - I then close the door to her room which I never usually do - (I just use her cot for the time out) - sure enough she cries, I wait for about one minute - ideally for a break in the crying - then pick her out of the cot, again away from the body, I put her down and say clearly "That time out was for not listening - you need to listen when mummy asks you something"
Then I just get on with stuff as if it never happened - I don't cuddle etc as it is like a reward but then there is the inverse...
The good listening reward!
She gets praised for doing things right and especially when she is doing good listening stuff - including a cheezle type thing every now and then "good listening darling, well done - here is a prize etc"
Hope this helps
Does baby sign language really help that much ?
Oh my word YES!!!!
Sorry A's ma - this is a bit off topic, but I thought it might be helpful here for you too
Allyoo - will look out for your other posts :)
Okay, approaching this situation from a Natural / Attachment Parenting angle, I'd be sitting down and scooping bub into my lap for a hug (or sitting on the floor next to him if he's already down and resisting), gently acknowledge how he's feeling ("I can see you're angry, is it because you didn't get to.... [reason for tantrum]?") at which point you'll probably get a sad nod and he'll burst into tears (which is better than a tantrum!), then just sit and hug him and be attentive while he cries. Don't try to pat/sooth/distract him from crying (an occasional stroke of the hair or face is okay), often a good cry in loving arms is what children need. It might last 20 minutes, he might fall asleep in your arms, but afterwards you'll have one happy kid :)
reAllytee
22-03-2006, 00:27
Okay, approaching this situation from a Natural / Attachment Parenting angle, I'd be sitting down and scooping bub into my lap for a hug (or sitting on the floor next to him if he's already down and resisting), gently acknowledge how he's feeling ("I can see you're angry, is it because you didn't get to.... [reason for tantrum]?") at which point you'll probably get a sad nod and he'll burst into tears (which is better than a tantrum!), then just sit and hug him and be attentive while he cries. Don't try to pat/sooth/distract him from crying (an occasional stroke of the hair or face is okay), often a good cry in loving arms is what children need. It might last 20 minutes, he might fall asleep in your arms, but afterwards you'll have one happy kid :)
But thats the problem our bubba's are only just 1yr old so they cant tell us whats wrong & my bubs actually smacks me if i try to calm him down or the likes.
jembelina
22-03-2006, 07:51
All the tips here sound great, but as allyoo said, when bubs is only 12 months old (or in my case 13) some of this stuff isn't appropriate. I find bubs throws a 'tantrum' mainly when he can't have or do something he wants to. Generally the tantrums are quite mild - crying(probably more like screaming), drops to sitting, arches back or goes floppy if I try to pick him up - especially if I am removing him from somewhere he wants to be!! I find, generally if I try to pick him up if hes not throwing his head back he will swat his hands around. I don't think this is hitting as such and I let him do it, but if he does happen to make contact with me i grab his hand and say 'no hitting please'.
I don't like to ignore him as he is not being naughty, he is trying to tell me what he wants and hey, the remote controls are FUN to play with!! We use 'uh-uh', 'no', 'don't touch' and 'yuck'(this works really well for things like cat food and rubbish!) and 'ta for mummy/daddy' if he already has something he shouldn't. He understands that all of these mean he can't have/do that particular thing. I think consistency is the key. We know what we don't want him to do and we stick with it. More often than not we get a frustrated grunt and he eventually leaves/stops. Otherwise I find distraction the most effective thing. I will start singing a song, zoom a car across the floor, go over to his toys myself and just start getting thigs out and playing(this works really well!).
The best thing we have found is as soon as he stops I say 'good boy' with a big smile, usually more than once! He LOVES it!! And now goes around saying "g'boy" with a big grin! You need to make sure you say it other times too. It gets a good work out in our house!!
Hope all that makes sense and is a little bit helpful!! sorry for the waffle!!
allyoo, I'm not sure how to say this nicely so I'll be blunt. Your child hits you because you hit him. When you're angry with him, you hit him. So when he's angry with you, he hits you.
A 1 year old can tell you yes or no, even if it's just a nod or shake of the head, and you'll usually have a pretty good idea why they're upset, reflect back how they're feeling (angry!) and why (because they wanted to play with the remote control?) and be lovingly attentive while they cry, letting them know that it's okay to have those feelings. Crying is a stress release, and distracting them from crying when they need to causes them to bottle up those feelings, which then come out in other ways (raging tantrum!).
Chickadee
22-03-2006, 08:37
Martha - You say using the " no thank you " is a winner when they hit or the likes whereas ive tried " please dont " in a lower tone so he understands the difference yet he will still persist & its quite upsetting at times when all i seem to cop is him lashing out at me. Does it take a certain amount of time etc ?
Ally, It does take some time, but for us I think it worked to keep the same words she already knew for correction and distinguish "severity" only by tone of voice. As you do I also use what I call my big voice, which isn't loud but firm and low toned - growly almost. I basically copy her dad's voice, or try to.
Chloe has only ever hit me either out of frustration or as a game. Frustration we deal with as though it was a tantrum - look for the cause (tired, overwhelmed, etc), ignore, distract and cuddles. The hitting game happens in certain situations, most often when I lean in to do up her carseat. That was very frustrating and I don't know that I had the best response. But again I used a "no thank you", catching her hand while I said it. For quite a while I would just get hit again and have to repeat over and over. The more reaction you give the more a game it becomes, so maybe ignoring would work, depending on their age? As she got older I added "no hitting" and then when she started to understand emotions (sad face/happy face drawings) I would tell her that it hurt or made me sad and ask her to say sorry.
It's tough to be always smacked, and honestly I think taking yourself out of hitting range can be the best solution sometimes. I don't mean to ignore him but just to avoid putting yourself in range when it's a situation he's likely to hit out in. For me it was the carseat. Same thing for tantruming, there are times during the day when bubs are more likely to be tired and have a tantrum so by managing your activities at those times you can sometimes pre-empt or avoid the issue.
My apologies Aleksander's mum... that was a longer answer than I intended. Didn't mean to hijack the thread.:o
reAllytee
22-03-2006, 09:05
allyoo, I'm not sure how to say this nicely so I'll be blunt. Your child hits you because you hit him. When you're angry with him, you hit him. So when he's angry with you, he hits you.
A 1 year old can tell you yes or no, even if it's just a nod or shake of the head, and you'll usually have a pretty good idea why they're upset, reflect back how they're feeling (angry!) and why (because they wanted to play with the remote control?) and be lovingly attentive while they cry, letting them know that it's okay to have those feelings. Crying is a stress release, and distracting them from crying when they need to causes them to bottle up those feelings, which then come out in other ways (raging tantrum!).
Sorry but to be blunt to you if you re read my original post made in this thread i said i only tap him on the butt when he is doing something like repeatedly playing with a power cord or power point not just after the one time & not just for playing with remote controls infact in this house he quite happily plays with these as its not a drama to us ! The smacking i was talking about he was doing has been something he has used from day dot so isnt a "new" thing caused by me "smacking" him because i repeat its only something done to stop him from hurting himself in an extreme case as i dont smack for fun especially as he is only 1yr old. So its a bit hard to assume its a learned behaviour when this is only something i have started in the last month or so when i had tried removing him from bad situations or when distraction fails. I never angrily raise my hand to my son.
Probably a good idea to stay out of this thread because its obvious i was judged from the get go.
Again i apologise A's mum.
Hi All.
Thanks so much for your input so far - you've given me much food for thought and I'm going to be checking out the info on bubhub about sign language. I have been wanting to do it with bubs since he was about 8 months old, but I think I just kept forgetting and getting lazy and then I thought he's too old for it. But i suppose that even when he does start speaking he doesn't always know what to say and he won't develop perfect verbal communication skills overnight, so the signing might just be what we need. He is just like me - I get VERY annoyed if I am not understood properly... :)) I am glad he is headstrong - it is a real marvel to see him express to clearly like or dislike... I just wish I could decipher his likes and dislikes with a little more clarity...
Anyway, to ALLYOO, you are more than welcome on this thread - please don't leave. Everyone has input and all opinions are welcome. The only thing we need to remember on here is that we are all here to SUPPORT each other; not to judge. Everyone's personal experiences differ and what works well for one parenting/child partnership may not work for another. We all love our babies more than could ever be described and we always do the things we think are necessary for their health and development. Please just be mindful of that when posting replies to people.
I know parents who DO smack their children; and their children are happy, well-adjusted. The smacking is done with a certain methodology, and done in "love" if that makes sense - not a senseless letting go of anger or frustration from the parent. Having said that, smacking is not for me for other personal reasons. I don't want to start smacking my children because my parents smacked me in anger sometimes, and there are times when I feel like smacking my son in anger too. So, to avoid any of that, I simply have made a conscious decision that I am never going to smack my child, only because I never want to do it in anger, and that is the only way I can ensure that doesnt happen. Others don't have those demons to deal with and can do the smack thing in different ways (and what ALLYOO described is nothing at all like that even - it is a LAST RESORT when her child is UNSAFE. No one should be judged for that...)
Anyway, :ecomcity:
I don't mean to hijack my own thread here, but let's all be supportive!!! :yelclap:
And please, keep the feedback coming - you have given me MUCH advice.
I like the idea of letting my bubs have a good cry in my arms when he needs it. I too have said to him on occassion, "It's OK, I understand you are angry/upset/frustrated" etc. I have tried to give him a cuddle. But he is so much like me. When I am angry, I just need be left alone for the first few minutes. I have tried the cuddle thing, and my son is just not interested. He still tries to hit me, and I have never hit/smacked/patted him at all...!! :confused:
I will get onto the sign language, and I like the idea of "no smacking thank you". I prefer that to saying "please". "Please" sounds like I'm pleading with him. But I want him to know that I know he won't smack me, and that my expectations of him are greater than that. Somehow saying "thank you" implies that those expectations will be met or something...
Cheers all.
Happy parenting!!!
Your child hits you because you hit him. When you're angry with him, you hit him. So when he's angry with you, he hits you.
.
I don't think that is what Allyoo was saying she does at all.
Mother Duck
22-03-2006, 10:11
What a great thread
Allyoo - don't you dare leave - your input has been both relevant and of interest!
Zactyl - I think I can understand what you are saying about them mimicking what is done to them, in this case ie re Allyoo I don't think this is what's happening
Sometimes they come up with things like hitting etc just as their own experiment or to try and express themselves etc - Mickayla bit me during tantrums a few times and I have cerainly never bitten her!
Also they can pick these things up from anywhere - other kids, daycare, tv - who knows
Don't be insulted Allyoo - I don't think Z meant to insult you just to point out something herself ie mimicking.
Anyway other stuff -
Jem - while I think the idea of soothing is brilliant and really important I also think that there are times that M needs to know it is not OK - ie what she is throwing the tanty about is not OK but to feel so angry is OK but to show it in that way is not the best solution etc
You said about praising your son - I really believe this is key to their good behaviour - when M is good or has achieved well I make sure I get really excited about it and this is a great reward - she loves it when I'm happy!
Great thread guys - its really good to hear other peoples ideas on these more difficult parenting issues!
A's Ma - good luck with the signing - it is SO much fun! And really satisfying - example M is at the other end of the isle in the trolley - sqealing loudly - mummy looks up at her and signs "use your small voice" - she grins and squeals again but this time in a mini voice - Mummy signs "good girl, I love you!" Rather special!
Another example was one day she came and woke me up - made sure I was awake - knelt over me and signed "I love you" with a big grin - Priceless!!!
Mother Duck
22-03-2006, 10:12
Hey A's ma - I just saw your new Avatar - mmmm handsome pair of fellas youv'e got yourself there! :)
thanks jessie... I think they're pretty handsome too!!!
Oh jessie. I just got tears in my eyes when you wrote about your little one waking you up just to say I love you...
Did you learn sign from a book?? I am going to get something on it today....
:smiliedance: :yelclap: :smiliedance:
yes, i'm excited!
And thanks Jessie.
You should be a moderator.. That was an excellent post you wrote too...:thumbsup:
Mother Duck
22-03-2006, 10:23
Allyoo started a thread last night that has a link on it - I have just come from there - have a squiz at this - its Auslan and its free to join up
I used a Makaton CD to learn which was has really clear instructions etc - there are a couple of good threads on bub hub - start with Ally's
Good luck :)
PS - Aww shucks :o ;)
OK, so I am trying to analyse why it might be that my bubs is doing the tantrums.
Today he had four of them. One was because he was bored at the doctor's surgery (totally understandable for an increasingly mobile baby. Will have to respect that and try and not coop him up in the doctors surgery and get a baby sitter for him at times like that.
Then there is the feeding tantrum. I think it is because he wants to feed himself but he can't. The thing is this: I keep giving him a spoon and try to get him to eat the food from the spoon. The only problem is is this: he is very good at getting the food onto the spoon then into his mouth - the FIRST time. Then, after he does that he uses the spoon as a "baton" and waves it around everywhere and food goes anywhere BUT his mouth.... If I try to guide him, THEN the tantrum starts...:( I can't let him wave food everywhere when I know he is capable of doing it properly... Suggestions????
OK, another tantrum: change table tantrum... No matter what I do, nearly every time I try to change his nappy we have wriggles that quickly turn into tantrums. Can get messy when changing a "dirty" nappy... Nothing works - distraction, barrage of toys, singing, dancing, etc... Nothing...
I have stopped getting frustrated during tantrum times. I am being very very calm... (or trying to).
Any more suggestions more than welcome!!
I'm OK. i know that the main thing is that I remain calm. He is frustrated and trying to vent his frustrations and I know that it is nearly impossible to get him to learn how to do it calmly at the moment. But I still want to put in the vocab or the habits so it is easier for him to learn later. Any suggestions?
ta
Sorry. Do I sound like a broken record? :ecomcity: :ecomcity: :ecomcity:
Mother Duck
23-03-2006, 20:44
Don't apologize - this stuff is HARD!!!
There is a thread previously (or two) about change table tanty's with some great tips on it too!
At risk of sounding a bit harsh here - I think it is really important to lay down some ground rules and stick to them - bubs respond really well to knowing where the boundary is even if they love to push it!
Ie with the food - two options, either don't worry about it and let him play with his food ie eat with his fingers throw it around, whatever - it can be cleaned - if you have carpet just put an old sheet down etc - ignore it and hope that some goes in the mouth! OR let him know that the baton waving stuff is just not on and mummy does it or not at all etc etc - whatever the rules are will be different from one house to the other but in general when you ask a question you are allowing room for a 'no thanks' from them - when you make a statement no thanks just isn't part of the option.
It might take a little while to set up the system but once you do - eg (back on the food thing) OK well if you don't want it no problem - put it away - he will soon go by 'the rules' when he is hungry!
Hopefully you know what I mean - Sorry if it sounds harsh but I feel if you are too flexible you may well have a fair struggle ahead in the next few months
Remember - whether you choose 'hard love' approach or 'soft love approach' you are still the mummy and bubs is relying on you to tell them what is cool and what is not cool
Hope this helps
I am away for the weekend - will look forward to logging on again on Mon!
:)
jembelina
23-03-2006, 20:44
[QUOTE=Aleksander's mum]I can't let him wave food everywhere when I know he is capable of doing it properly... Suggestions????
OK, another tantrum: change table tantrum... No matter what I do, nearly every time I try to change his nappy we have wriggles that quickly turn into tantrums. Can get messy when changing a "dirty" nappy... Nothing works - distraction, barrage of toys, singing, dancing, etc... Nothing...
/[QUOTE]
My ds too sometimes gets frustrated if I wont let him have the spoon or if I give him another spoon but wont let him at the food with it - I understand it just isn't always practical!!! Now what I do when this happens at home I get a plastic bowl and put a really small amount of what I'm feeding him in it and let him go for it while I shovel the rest in!! Works a treat and doesn't make too much mess!!
Can't really offer any help with the nappy change scenario - but you definately have my sympathy. If I say something 'like lets change your nappy' or 'does that nappy need changing?' he runs a way from me giggling!! Then when i catch him the carry on starts before we even get to his room:eek: And if I don't say anything, the back arches as soon as I try to lay him down. Sometimes he justr screams blue murder the entire change and it takes forever as it is a huge struggle to get the nappy on!! However, it wasn't always this bad and alot of the time he is fine. I distract him with something he wouldn't normally have - tube of bonjella, bracelet of mine, a clean wipe, a cotton tip - something really novel to grab his attention. These things only ever get used on the change table as they are not exactly safe but he is closely supervised and they tend to do the trick!!
Good Luck!!
Sounds like he might be feeling powerless in these situations. Do what you can to give him some more control at these times.
Feeding: Let him finger feed himself as much as possible, cut up bite sized pieces of fruit, mini sandwiches etc. Save the messy stuff for when it's convenient for you to clean him/chair/floor, or give him something he can eat while you spoonfeed him the messy stuff. If waving his spoon is an issue, don't give him one for a month or so, and then try again.
Changing: If he's recently learnt to stand up and cruise and get himself about it's pretty frustrating to be stuck on his back, even just for a minute! Pooey nappies will be a bit of a pain, but can you maybe change him in the bathroom while he stands up holding the edge of the bath?
Hope this helps :)
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