dont know what to do

[rylea's mum]

:( ok im not sure if i have put this in the right place but here goes

my little girl is 6 months old and i have had no libido at all since i had her,
my partner is really really angry with me cause he thinks its because im not interested in him anymore...
we have talked and talked about it and i have explained that its not, and that theres something not right in my body, but he wont accept it.
i do try and i dont deny him completly, he is obsested with sex( i know its because he doesnt get it much)
he has given me a complex about it and i have asked him for his support but his solution is"just do it, it will get better" i am getting really depressed about it, i dont know what to do... im breastfeeding and i dont know if i should stop because i am not ready to yet,
i am scared to goto the doctor( he doesnt want me to yet???) as i dont want them to say, its normal there is nothing we can do( my doctor will say that, he's not the type to go out on a limb)
and i dont know who else to talk to about it for help...
my relationship with my partner is pretty much ruined, he told me to f off and not come near him, and stormed out of the house for work because i didnt jump to his advances straight away, he does night shift 1 hour away and i cant even ring him because it will make him crankier.
i need his support but he says he is over it, its been long enough for me to be better. i do understand his point of view but is it really worth giving up your family for?
i am so lost and confused, i dont have anyone to talk to about this...
i feel like a freak, what is wrong with me

so sorry about all the unwanted info, but i needed to get it off my chest:o :( :(

[O&GMUM]

OH poor you!
Men really suck sometimes dont they.
What you are feeling is totally normal, but it does pass and he should understand and support you, but we all know they think with whats in their pants alot of the time.
Thinking of you lots and a big:hugs: to you

[fee's]

rylea's mum, I have felt the way you do before. My husband was a bit more understanding but the constant tension ends up making things worse - the more pressure the less likely I ever felt like giving it a go - if your heart isn't in it I find it hurts and then makes you want to do it even less the next time. - vicious circle.
This too will pass - every relationship goes through 'dry' :laughing: times, hang in there.

[aprilbaby]

Hi Tanya,

You poor thing, what a horrible situation to be in when you should be enjoying your new baby. :hugs: from me.

To be honest, I think your partner is being very selfish. A relationship should be built on much more than sex and he should understand that you need time to get used to all the changes you've experienced in your body and your life.

Men are so clueless, do they really think that by being mean and pressuring us they're going to make us feel like it more? If he was being gentle and understanding with you he would probably find you actually wanted to be close with him, rather than feeling like you had to be.

I don't really know what advice to give you except to say you shouldn't feel pressured by your own partner, he should be there as a support for you. All I could suggest is that you talk to him about your feelings, but it sounds like you've done that and he hasn't been very understanding.

I hope the other Mums have some more suggestions for you, but never feel like you're alone because I know you would be one of millions of Mums who have gone through exactly the same thing.

Good luck.

[elissas]

Sounds like your partner may be having some trouble dealing with feelings of rejection. Guys don't like to admit it. As much as you might tell him till you're blue in the face that it's not about him personally, he may have trouble really believing that deep down. To men sex is very important as it helps their hormone levels (ie. they need testosterone to make it through the day sometimes, as we need seratonin).

Perhaps you'd find that your libido might improve if the pressure wasn't there. Have you spoken to him about that? Maybe the fact that you feel guilty about it is causing your libido to drop - it's is a big killer. Guilt sex is very average - I think most women know what it feels like... :thumbsdown:

[natasha]

Okay.......I don't want anyone body to get annoyed at me but I am going to tell you what I think.


Have you tried his way of 'just doing it'??? Just to see whether it is the actual act of sex that you are not interested in or it could just be that you are so nervous and stressed that you won't enjoy it that you aren't even willing to give it a go??......

I went through the same thing with my DH after the birth of DD. and ofcourse he took it personally, thought I didn't fancy him anymore. I just didn't think I was interested.

With me though, I still got urges every so often (maybe once wk,so not very often) but enough to make me think that maybe it was the pressure that was putting me off doing it with him.

I told DH this,and he was a little more understanding than your DH by the sounds of things. He said that he was going to dedicate a whole night to me, and at the end of it we WERN"T going to have sex. :confused:

He ran me a bubble bath,gave me a massge and everything. And lying there on the bed getting massaged by him and not feeling any pressure to do anything, I actually got turned on!!!!!!

I didn't make it into a big deal but I let him know how I was feeling and the bugger stuck to his guns and said no!! We couldn't have sex!!!! Which then made me want it even more!!!! I'l let you figure the rest out.;)

It was just the pressure of it all, and because it had gone on so long and we had had so many fights over it, it turns it into this huge wall between you both.

I suggest you tell him my idea. Ask him to give you a whole night of just you time, with no sex at the end of it, just to see how you feel. If you get turned on at any point you know it's just the pressure of it all. But you have to really relax and let go of all the stress of it all.

If you don't feel anything, give it a few weeks. Your body has gone through huge stress with having bubs. If DH has a problem with this, I seriously think you need to reconsider getting him to talk to somebody. He should be a lot more understanding of what you have been through. It doesn't sound like he is supporting you at all.:(

Anyway........give it a go.

Any ladies got any more ideas for the girl????

[Tam-I-Am]

Hey Tanya,

Just a thought - you may have post natal depression? Sometimes the symptoms of depression are really hard to seperate from the symptoms of new motherhood, (ie tiredness all the time, changes to sleeping and eating patterns etc), but if your feeling sad/angry/frustrated a lot of the time (ie most of the day, most days), and you don't have any libido at all, then it's a possibility. (just to let you know, I had PND starting when DD was 2 mths old, and have been on anti depressants - they are safe while you're breastfeeding - DD is 8 months old, and I'm pretty well back to "normal", whatever that is! LOL), but when i was at my worst i couldnt' STAND the thought of sex. I thought I'd rather cut of my big toe then let a penis anywhere near me!!! LOL.

Anyway, there are a couple of websites that you could look at if you think that this may be a possibility - http://www.beyondblue.org.au/ and http://www.panda.org.au/ (post- and antenatal depression association). The beyondblue website has some checklists that can help you determine whether its something to bring to your doctors attention or not.

If you want to PM me, if you think this might be the problem, please feel free. Hope things work out for you.:hugs:

[Jo_Jo]

hi tanya,

i really hope the ladies have made you feel better!but i know where you are coming from,men can be so inconsiderent and most of the time think of them sleves. I know when my other half acted like this i would resent him and it made me less interested, having a baby is not just a walk in the park and it changes the dynamics of everything and everyone and energy levels are low, more so in the first 6 months. I think it would be worth seeing your gp even just to vent it out to, and who knows it could be depression or a hormonal thing or maybe he can put you at rest by saying that this is quite normal for woman becaus you are no freak. I spoke with my other half about it over a few drinks while mum watched bubby for acouple of hours, at the local so it would not get heated. I let him know that i was the first person to notice the change in me, that i loved him so much that to see him treat me in this way broke my heart and that i felt resentfull which turned me on even less and that maybe every hug that i needed did not have to lead to the same thing I want to be intimate but that he was pushing me away as well and can we compromise!!! and its been great he can stiil be a little smartbum say if i have had a bad night with bub and im tired, and his feeling frisky but its more of a joke and we flirt all the time and know i can get a hug just for the hug when its back rub time im in who can say no to a 20 min back rub, not me:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

good luck mate:fingerscrossed:


cheers jo