depressed and feeling desolate due to no family support

[QLDgirl]

Hi,

I just want to vent more than anything and if anyone wants to share an opinion etc please feel welcome to.

My family history is not very good. My mum moved to America five years ago and won't be back for another ten to fifteen years yet. My father lives on the Gold Coast and we don't keep in contact as he was never a father to me anyway. My sister has her own family and plays matyr to my brother the alchoholic (just like dad), she will help anyone out but at the emotional cost of the person getting the help. And my grandmother is the manic depressive who sucks the life out of anyone who comes within a mile of her.

My husbands family is the same if not worse and are also located in QLD and the NSW coastal area.

Basically they may as well all not be alive for all the family support we've had from them over the years. The whole situation makes me suicidal at times when I think that I am alone and my 2yr old daughter and 19wk old bump have no family other than my husband and I to fall back on. To make matters worse, my marriage is rocky since my husband cheated on me last year which just compounds the whole feeling of being alone with no support from anywhere.

At the moment we are living in Perth because of DH's employment and I didn't mind it so much until DH cheated on me and it made me realise that if we broke up I would be stranded in this place. So for the last two months we have been trying to get a move back to Brisbane which I thought was a good idea until today when again my so called family have withdrawn their support. My grandmother said my daughter and I could stay with her until a house was sorted in the event that I 'needed' a place to stay. Then this morning she left two messages on my answering machine saying she doesn't want to put herself and her dog out for us! I feel so humiliated that she has put her dog before me and very very upset that she has shafted her great grandchild. I am so mad I am considering not having anything more to do with her and just considering her to be dead.

I have always made a point of being strong and landing on my own two feet. As soon as I started working during high school I put money away and bought furniture so I could move out and begin life as an adult. I met my first husband in Brsibane which ended five years later and walked away with a healthy settlement which allowed me to buy a house of my own and begin life again. Then I met my now husband and we sold my house during the downturn in realestate and didn't make much from the house and what we did get was spent on furnishing our new rental home and the rest was used as a deposit on a new house which fell through after I left the marital home when he cheated on me. Effectively I am back to square one without savings, a rocky marriage and no family support at all.

I can honestly say that my only salvation is my 2yr old daughter. My love for her is so great and I feel so protective towards her that I cannot give in to my desire for suicide when my depression takes a hold of me like this because I would hate to leave her without a mum who will go to the ends of the earth for her. I just don't think she would be safe in the care of anyone else, including her dad.

I just feel so cold and alone. I don't feel like I can trust anyone and I feel like no one gives a damn about us. I now don't see the point in trying to get back to Brisbane since my family who were so gungho about me coming back are now very cool and nonchalant about it. It's making my husband and I look ridiculous to his Employer who we are trying to convince to send us back to Brisbane based on family support in the event that i get severe PND again with our second baby due in October.

None of this probably makes much sense, the pregnancy hormones don't help. I just wish I had a warm, stable family support base. Somewhere I could go and be myself and have a cuppa and a laugh or a cry if need be and most of all get a HUG! I've held out hope for years that as us three kids grew older, we would mature and grow closer but we're all almost in our 30's now and it doesn't look like it's ever going to happen.

Thanks for reading. :)

[jamb]

I feel saddened by your words and want to acknowledge the love you say you feel for your baby girl. Have you thought of speaking with a professional for guidance and support. If only so that you can remain strong for your beautiful baby girl and number 2 bump. Good luck and remember you have been strong and successful already.

[Chickadee]

I'm here in Perth too, with family all back in Canada. My parents and my hub's sister came out to visit last year when dd was about 6 months old, and it was great, but made me miss having them around even more. I know exactly what you mean about having no support network, there's no one to help out when you're having a bad day or just need a break. I can phone, but it's not the same.

& it's hard meeting people in this city. I thought that the mothers group through the CHN would put me in contact with a mum network for support, but I havent' been able to keep up with them due to working, and I never felt much in common with them anyways.

So... If you ever want to go out and get that cuppa, need a change of scenery or just to rant at someone, give me a shout. I work 3 days a week but otherwise fairly flexible. I'll email my number separately. I know there is also a mothers group advertised under the WA forum, and I've seen some other Perth mums looking to get together too.

Martha

[noniandlilysmum]

Hi there qldgirl, I am very understanding in the way you are thinking and feeling... I am married with 2 beautiful girls and one on the way... I have no family support other than my brother and his wife, who I don't see all that often and don't have children, so I find it hard to relate... I too have a father who I have nothing to do with, and my mother is not all there (whom I also wish would drop off the planet)... She is just good for nothing, meaning she is overweight, smokes, never worked a day in her life, has one guy after the next and basically wasted her whole life on men...
I have 4 brothers, but are all living their own lives and have problems in their own lives which I would hate to burden them with my problems... When I was 15 I moved out and was with a man twice my age who was violent, an alcoholic and a cheater... It took me 4 years to decide enough was enough... I had just given birth and my partner had come to visit me in hospital, he was drunk and was asked to leave by the midwives... When I went home I stopped seeing him and he used to come over uninvited, when I wouldn't let him in He would take a knife to my neighbours and smash my car window... Eventually he moved 1500 klm away and I was able to move on with my life and my daughters... I moved to Townsville in 1999 to study tourism when I met my husband, I fell pregnant almost straight away and we were married at the end of 1999, I had Lily in 3/2000... My husband and I have planned to have another baby, which is due in August, however our marriage has also been rocky... He hasn't cheated on me (or not that I know), but I find it hard to trust him because of my previous partner and the fact my husband lied to me, and continues to do so... The lies are only small and I know they are probably nothing to worry about, but why lie in the first place unless you have something to hide right... Anyway, I live 6 minutes from my mother in law and her 2 daughters (aged 13 and 15), who are very biased and find her son to be perfect and couldn't possibly do anything wrong, she is on anti-depressants and so is her husband... He is into the whole smoking dope thing along with all the sons(there are 3 boys)... They all seem to be in trouble with the law... So I have felt very depressed in my pregnancy because I have in laws that are in my face every day, a husband who lies and has no time for me, no family support and no friends to chat with, so I too have felt suicidal, but for the sake of my children would not put them in pain... I have thought about moving out, but think that perhaps given that my husband is only 24, he might change... I am so confused, I hate being in Caboolture near his family, but find that for now I have no choice... I am scared if I move to Melbourne or something my husband might cheat on me, and then I wouldn't want to be with him anymore, even though he says he wouldn't, when he has too many drinks he can be a little touchy feely, If you know what I mean... I am scared I am wasting my life, would love to chat and be an ear for you and maybe share some words of support to one another... :) Haana

[mummyb]

hi there sweetness
what a crappy time youve been having, my heart just ached for you while reading your words and i just really felt i had to let you know you are destined for greater things .
you are a beautiful, valued, loved woman no more so than in the eyes of your child,.
while i can offer no real practical support what i can offer is to listen ,
you sound like a strong lady who knows greater things await her,and trully i belive they do.
when ever you need to vent i'll always be willing to listen take care of your self and try to enjoy uyour pregnancy with much love briony :D

[JuneFallen]

Hi,

My name is June and I am only 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. This is my first pregnancy and my husband and I don't have any family in Australia.

I read your posts and it really made my heart go out to you... If you ever need someone to talk to, post a message or send me an email.

Please know that no matter how bad things seem... there are people who really do care. This forum is a great place to find a friend and know that you are not alone.

My love to all of you and take care!
:)
June

[chloe010988]

im about to be a 1st time mum and feel all you lonely ladies pain. im only 16 so i guess its my own doing but im isolated right now. I cant share this with my friends for fear of beaing branded a **** and my family know but are all in so muich shock and so disappointed theyve barely been speaking to me my boyfriend is great but i dont think i can share everything with him because its not something a guy can understnad the morning sickness is making school so hard and this emotional rolarcoaster is making life in general pretty unbearable.
Im so glad to have this forum to talk on and everyone else to speak to on here.
I hope everyone finds the support they need and good luck with everything

[Lucybelle]

QLDgirl are you there...? How are you going??

[maybe1more]

im about to be a 1st time mum and feel all you lonely ladies pain. im only 16 so i guess its my own doing but im isolated right now. I cant share this with my friends for fear of beaing branded a **** and my family know but are all in so muich shock and so disappointed theyve barely been speaking to me my boyfriend is great but i dont think i can share everything with him because its not something a guy can understnad the morning sickness is making school so hard and this emotional rolarcoaster is making life in general pretty unbearable.
Im so glad to have this forum to talk on and everyone else to speak to on here.
I hope everyone finds the support they need and good luck with everything
Hi there chloe, you might only be 16 but u choose to have your baby and good on you, if people want to call u a ****, then stuff them u shouldnt have to listen to there crap, you are the most important person here and u watch them all come running when u have your babe, just so they can spread the latest gossip. Dont hang around people who make u feel negative you and your man deserve to be happy and you are both going to make great parents, hang in there and try not to let negativity get to you. take care :) mum to Connor 14/07/03 :p

[Button]

Yes I do understand how it is for both of you. Please do not let yourselves get down at all (I know easier said than done). I have had 2 wonderful daughters with 0 support of any kind, so I understand how lonely it can be, but being a parent is wonderful. I just cant lower my standards as a valuable person because of my appalling background and basically bad luck. Make the decisions that are right for you. Try not to stay in a situation that you dont want to be in just because you feel any support (even if it is bad is better) is than 0, because often 0 support but no crap, is better. Then you can add what you like to your world, making sure that it is positive, instead of trying to work out someone else's problems. I am in QLD if you do come back here feel that there is someone who will be here for you. Chloe - you are so brave for someone so young, stand yr ground. I am sure yr parents will come around once they get used to the idea. I am glad yr bf is being supportive too. TAKE CARE BOTH OF YOU.

[Dod or Dear Ol Dad]

Hello my dear,

My heart goes with you, I myself have no family here, I came here with my wife 2 years ago as her family is here, I come from a small family in NZ.
From my previous marrige, my oldest is 16yrs in sydney and she don't call much and my boy is 12yrs in NZ with non family people and hardly knows me, my partner has 2 from a previous relationship and we have one on the way.
I didn't think that I would be a Dad again especially at 40+ and its tearing me apart as I wish I could be a Dad for my first 2 kids. I try not to think to much on what are my kids are going to think about Dad having a baby yet where am I for them?. This makes me sad and makes me cry.

And I am so scared as my partner has had high risk pregnancies, this frightens me to the bone and she was nearly lost after her last child, if I had paid attention I would have bit the bullet and got fixed\spayed, yet I am happy to be blessed with another child, but I'm scared and lonely as I don't want to complicate my wifes condition with my concerns. .

Perth seems a funny place, my first O.S was to sydney in 1996 till 2000 when I went home for 4 years, I had no trouble in socialising etc yet this place doesnt seem as bright as sydney.

I am actually having trouble with 2 ex flatmates that compromised my families safety by bringing drugs onto our property..needles, all sorts of wasted losers,
well after they did the sly by leaving and not paying their way, my family home is been cased by these 2 losers who we see eyeballing our place when they think we might not be home and sure enough what did we see today go past 3 times yep the same ex flatmate losers....I followed them to watch them run like hell so I hauled off after them in the trusty holden and confronted them, well after I told that we know what they are up to, I was told "I'll do what I want, where I want and when I want", this I know was a threat to me and my family....(later after I told my wife of what happened she called the police who said blah blah...can't do anything unless you are hit..blah blah)...well folks this may not be the thing for this forum\site but ex flatmate number one didn't see it coming..ouch..(I'll let you figure it out). I'm a Father, a step father and a father to be and I will protect my family, actually I'll protect the rights of any family and kids.

Anyway wanna talk, gis a yell, I'll tell me wifey about this forum as she is a tower of strength and great example for all people including me...

If I have prattled on or offended anyone ..sorry but I didn't intend to.

be safe, take care, God bless :)

SteveS

[liz73]

Hey! Keep going strong and focusing on your little girl because that will keep you going and she is what matters. I am in Brisbane and wish I could give you that hug you need so badly. I along with others that have written to you feel very lonely and unsupported at times. My history - my mother died when I was fourteen (now 32), my husband's mother died about 8 years ago just after we met. My husband's family is in South Australia and are pretty dysfunctional. My sister is overseas following her dreams, and as horrible as I feel saying it has never been there for me but expects me to be there for her. And well my father, has a mental illness and is very draining. I try to tell myself that there are other people worse off and remind myself that I am very fortunate for my beautiful children and supportive husband, but some days it doesn't work (Monday is an example, I just couldn't stop crying and fely so exhausted and just wanted a mate to have coffee with). Please try not to give up on yourself and your wonderful strength. You have had a rough life, but you already have new friends from bubhub that are willing to be there for you. Feel free to email me on liz.elson@bigpond.com. If you would like a chat I can give you my number via email. Thinking of you. Liz