Dad's experience of expecting?

[Kat]

Hi all,

I'm not a Dad, I'm a concerned expectant Mum. Our first baby is due in November and I'm getting worried about my husband. He seems to be in a constant state of disinterest / overwhelmed.

I'm pretty confident this is reasonably normal - I've had no end of complication after complication during the pregnancy (current ones are PUPPP (really v. awful rash) and gestational diabetes) and so he's experienced along with me 7 months of utter disaster upon disaster (it feels like that some days).

There didn't seem to be another appropriate place to post about these concerns so this is why I'm writing here.

I just don't know how to help him manage - I've tried talking to him and he just says he feels overwhelmed and that he feels like he can't do any more than go to work and contribute in that way only. If our lives weren't an utter mess (aside from pregnancy) that would be ok, but we've recently had to get our roof repaired to stop it leaking - we have yet to de-mould upstairs from the leak (which actually occurred last SPRING!) and we are living in a 'studio apartment' downstairs which is driving us all batty. No work ever seems to get done and then I of course have another medical issue arise and then we get behind on 'normal' stuff as well.

*lol* I feel I have probably accurately described both the emotional and physical messes we are in. Its been a rough few years for us both, we moved, bought a house, had a parent die, have house leaking for 10 months....in the last 3 years.

In all honesty I am writing this somewhat selfishly, because I feel there is some huge resentment from my husband to me (he says thats not it) but I feel like he is really resentful of something....I don't know..the attention I am getting, or the amount of focus on my belly etc? I am not sure I just know that it makes me feel really uncomfortable and it seems to stop us from talking through things and making decisions together and from enjoying our last days of theoretical peace and quiet.

Does anyone relate to any of this or have any advice?

Kat

[razzle]

Hi Kat,

Yep - pregnancy is an isolating thing. And the 6th/7th month mark is something I remember too. I remember bursting into tears at a cafe outside Myer with my partner because he didn't want to look at manchester for the cot and I accused him of being so totally immune and distant to everything I was feeling, it was making me ask myself why we were having a baby in the first place if he wasn't interested in all the stuff that came along with it! He was always busy with work or something and never had time for me or the preparation of "the new arrival". I wanted to buy little cute romper suits and ooh and aah over teddy bears and have him put his hand on my belly to feel the kicking and he just was not into it at all.

My partner told me that he felt completely left out. He didn't know what do when I complained about sore feet/belly/head/whatever other than to say "oh dear, that's not too good". And he had no idea how I felt with all those pregnancy hormones rushing about, it made me seem like a completely different person to him. Up until then he'd had all my attention and now the focus had been shifted from him to my belly. He slowly realised that he didn't come first anymore - the baby and I do, and the wellbeing of the baby and I do. And the only way he knew how to fix things was to go out and work to make money to provide for his family.

We too bought a house (about a month or 2 before she was born), it was the house we were living in so there was no moving involved thank goodness. But as soon as we'd made the decision to buy, he said that he was going to take 3 weeks off after the birth and build a pergola/roof thing over our back verandah and fix up the bungalow now that the spare room was now the nursery - ha ha bloody ha - nearly 6 months later I still have no roof out the back, there is still no guttering on the bungalow (so we get rising damp), the carpet hasn't been laid, it's still in a roll on the floor in the garage.... But you know what - I don't really care much because everytime I think "bugger, we have people coming to stay and there's no bloody carpet in the bungalow" and get cranky, I think about the way he said "It's a little girl!", with all that awe and happiness and wonderment in his voice as she was pulled out of my belly. And while I was still recovering in hospital he'd go to work during the day and come to the hospital at night and stay with me when he could, going home early in the morning to shower ready for work. And when I got home, spent the next three weeks (of paternity/annual leave) getting up with me in the middle of the night to help me breastfeed or make me a cup of tea. Would ignore my horrible moods where I lashed out at him with no excuse other than "I'm tired". Or going off and buying a set of flanelette sheets for the cot because he thought the cotton ones felt "too cold for my little girl". And talking to the woman in the chemist about haemmariod cream and laxatives for breastfeeding women (I'm particularly grateful for that one! :o )

So.... don't stress - it'll pass, and once he gets his hands on that delicious little baby inside your belly he'll understand. Go hire the necessary people to get the stuff done upstairs, or get a few of his mates around and have a working barbie or something. The last thing you need to be doing now is worrying!

Now - my little ramble is over - go and make a cuppa, put your feet up and watch Oprah (or whatever your poison may be)! :p

[Eleni's Mum]

Hi

I can relate too. Our daughter took us by surprise, My hubby was just finishing his PHD with no immediate job prospects, we had to move in with my parents for the last 3 months then my hubby found work interstate and I was left behind for the last month of pregnancy.

I think the pressure to provide really got to him and the fact he couldn't relate. My hubby needs to see what's wrong with me or he doesn't get it - ie I need to be vomiting not just nauseous for sympathy.

I started feeding his ego a little (when I had the energy) about what a great Dad he would be and how good I felt when he rubbed my feet etc which helped him feel included. The best thing I think was that as a part of our antenatal classes there was a session when men got to go with a male midwife and talk amongst the selves. A little bonding, wingeing and some reality checks.

My husband still talks about this as the best that could have happened. They always listen to each other! If you have something like that available it may make a difference.


Also I've found if you ive your hubby specific jobs related to the baby he'll feel more included. Like I accidently started letting my Dad set up the cot, took one look at my hubby and realised it was something he needed to do. You should have seen how proud he was when he figured it out!

It will work out, just watch him the first time your baby smiles his way,

Goodluck, Jenni

[Kat]

Boomtish,
thank you so much for your story, it is amazing to hear what happens to other couples - I figured that my husbands's reactions were 'normal' but wondered when they'd change, and also whether we'd get everything done.

It does sound like getting things done might be a challenge, but at least I have some idea what to expect.

My husband says also that he doesn't know how to help and doesn't know what to do other than to work so it must be one of those male coping things.

He is very good with chemists also - it must be as you say, aroung 6-7 months where tummy seems to take over the world and they panic :)

I have to smile because I probably am not one to put myself first so it probably is a big change for him to have the unknown baby bump taking over without it even being here. Oh for the days around 15 weeks when he used to want to touch it and feel it all the time when it was just a speckle :)

Did you find your partner snapped out of it only after your daughter was born or did he settle down in the 8th and 9th month into a less 'distant' person before the birth?

Just curious!

Kat :eek:

[Kat]

Jenni

Its so good to hear these stories. We haven't had much opportunity to talk with other couples about this issue - when I am talking to girlfriends about pregnancy it seems to always be about what is going wrong with me, not about 'us' issues.

I'm so glad you mentioned that you told your husband what a great Dad he would be. I think my hubbie will be an excellent Dad but I probably haven't told him lately and I can see how this can put his mind at ease a lot, especially seeing as when I think about it I don't think anyone else has said that (except his Mum said it to me and I passed it along but that was weeks ago)

There is a male midwife with the hospital we are going to and we had some male / female divided group times in our ante-natal classes but I don't know how much my hubby related to the other men there. He came home and commented that they all seemed less interested / involved than he was (and subsequently he appears to have become far more blase / disinterested!) so if anything the whole male bonding thing didn't do a lot for him in that instance!

As for baby-related jobs it is a challenge. We need to paint the entire upstairs area of the house (have no choice) and I think he sees that as a huge job rather than a baby specific job. And naturally baby specific jobs are waiting until we have the house finished! Its all confusing.

Hopefully he will get something out of reading these forums tonight too and might feel comforted by the way other men have obviously coped and gotten through the next few weeks of waiting and are now enjoying parenthood!

Kat

[razzle]

Hi Kat,

He definitely got more interested the closer I got to the birth - he was really excited. His parents live interstate and came over about 2 months before the birth. On their last night they all set up the nursery together (with a few champagnes under their belt!! :rolleyes: ). They had an absolute ball! We only have one spare room so that last night the in-laws slept in there surrounded by nursery furniture - I couldn't bear to put them out in the bungalow with no carpet - now of course I couldn't give a toss! Your priorities change forever once the baby arrives!

He was really cute in the last week or so. I had fairly strong braxton hicks pains and he'd go into a spin whenever I bent over groaning or looked at my watch more than once in a few minutes. He'd look over anxiously and say "...are you alright, do we need the scary red bag?" And everytime we went out - whether it was 5 minutes or an hour away, the scary red bag came with us, and a towel and plastic bag to cover the front seat of the car!!

And since she's been born he's been a complete dream. He's still a bit clueless when it comes to understanding her sounds, what I call "the hard stuff", but with changing nappies and feeding and playing he's perfect. When he comes home from work he has "Daddy time" and they play or have a feed or bath while I get dinner. It's great and once they (both dad and baby) get into a routine, it's heaven!

So don't stress - you'll both be fine... you never know - maybe your husband is just shy and is secretly dying to go and erect cots and look at size 0000 romper suits!! ;)

Cheers and good luck with everything! :)

[Gemma]

Hi Kat,

My husband was less than happy when I found out I was pregnant...let the story begin...

I was suppossed to have the implanon implant in my arm, but it turned out it it never got in my arm! Needless to say I fell pregnant. Grant and I were engaged at the time and looking to buy are own place and plan our wedding for Sept. I will never forget the night I told him...he just looked at me like I was some alien. And then telling the inlaws...his dad make me feel like it was my fault, that I told the Doctor not to put the implant in properly...we don't really get on.

I remember feeling such a loss of self and I really grieved for quiet a while.

We ended up bringing the wedding forward because I didn't want a wedding one month after I had given birth. So the first trimester was horrible. I was so sick, I had just changed jobs and was organising a wedding by myself...I couldn't get him involved with it at all. Then the second trimester I was sicker than the first. He wasn't at all into the pregnancy, I could never bring it up without getting stoney silence. I got him to feel my belly once when she was kicking really hard, I thought it would make him feel part of it, but it did the opposite. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day. I used to feel really alone. He was great about how I felt physically though nothing emotional, maybe it was easier to deal with what was physically happening to me like being sick or terrible SIJ pain and back problems.

Third trimester came along and I was now projectile vomiting, and Grant was sleeping on a mattress because I was in so much back and SIJ pain I had pillows everywhere so there was no room for him! I found out I had insulin dependent gestational diabeties...which just sucked. Once again I found him compassionate regarding my physical feelings and cleaning up vomit but I could not talk to him about the baby or the kicking etc.

I ended up having an emergency C/S due to pre-eclampsia. Grant wouldn't come into the OT with me...he is very anxious in hospitals, goes green whe he walks into one...and the idiot married a nurse!!! :D After the delivery when they were closing my abdo, he was in recovery with the paediatrician and Grace. Apparently he couldn't wait to get a hold of her!

He left when I got to the ward...it was quite late and Grace went to the nursery. The next day he was there first thing! He was such a great help when I was in hospital, he would change her if I was in the shower, bath her, rub my back, get formula (we expressed and topped up with formula). I have never had any problems with him since the pregnancy. He a very proud father, he loves her to bits and he helps me out all the time...which is just great as mum now has Alzheimers, so I care for her as well as Grace.

In reflection, I think he couldn't be a part of my pregnancy because he didn't feel the first bubble movements, the sickness, the hormones. He wasn't a part of that bond we have with our belly's. He helped where he thought he could...back rubs, vomit bowls, carpet cleaning etc. He like me was uncertian about what being a parent would be like, how would we manage finacially with one income etc, however we don't dwell on thoes aspects as much due to the huge rollercoaster ride pregnancy takes us on how our bodies and mind change and the bond we feel with our unborn child. I pity first time fathers to be, they have too much time on there hands to think and stress, we have so many things changing we don't have time to think about the future until the end.

I wouldn't stress about your DH at all, he will come around when he is ready, and if that isn't until bub gets home well that's fine. Things have a funny way of working out. If I had't gotten pregnant I wouldn't have moved in with mum, and if I hadn't moved in she would have no one to care for her now.

I know that was a long winded speal, and I am sorry for going on for ages. If you ever need to talk with someone who knows how if feels to have everything hit the fan, or you just want to talk you can private message me, or just keep posting. Everyone on this site has come from a different walk of life and have excellent advice and support to offer.

Hang in there, and best of luck.

[Rosie]

Dear Kat,

My wife ask me to respond to your concerns and to give a male point of view about pregnancy, birth and the "joys" of Fatherhood. I was only too happy to offer my limited advise. Well from my point of view pregnancy made me feel hopeless. I'm an engineer and I have to "fix" everything and I think this is a response that many males have no matter what profession they are, it's something that's in-built. I felt that all I could do was to go to work and pay the bills which leaves you out of the pregnancy "loop". For me our first child was a massive change in my life, which we wanted but I didn't know if i was ready{can you be truely prepared anyway?}. I felt for the first 10 mths that our daughter absolutely hated me. She would scream if left alone with me even for a second. This tore my heart out. People would say that it will get better but it doesn't help at the time. It is only recently {1week ago } that she gives me cuddles and outreaches for me, and all of the past months of doubt has gone.
All I can say to all husbands is stick with it, go for long walks to clear you minds, tell your wife how you feel and if possible take some "time out".

[Kat]

Hi everyone,

I really appreciate your responses, as it is particularly reassuring to hear how 'normal' we are :)

My husband has also read the replies and bookmarked this forum page, so I think he feels reassurred by the messages as well.

I think there are lots of things going on, it seems that it is mostly that 'man' thing of going and earning money to 'fix' things, but I suspect there is an element of him not feeling able to get all excited and 'gooey' over baby things while I'm so sick and miserable all the time (its not all the time but it probably seems that way to him).

He seems to think that I'm all beautiful pregnant, but I feel so awful that I find it really hard to believe a word of it! Then he gets himself so worn out from doing long hours at work that he doesn't seem to notice me for days anyway *lol* I think there is a lot going on for everyone when they reach this 7 month mark so its nice to hear how others found it passed without too much trauma!

Thanks too for the male perspective. Its good to hear from the horses mouth :)

Its funny isn't it, not being able to 'fix' pregnancy. Sometimes I wish I could 'fix' it too so that I was having one of those mythical 'glowing' pregnancies that didn't include weird medical conditions and complications! :rolleyes:

That would be the idea situation :)

We are quite close to you Rosie and family, up on the Sunshine Coast.

Kat

[Kat]

Hi again all,

I thought I'd add a postscript to this thread - we now have only 3 weeks to go and for the last month my husband has been increasingly supportive and much less negative about the pregnancy and everything.

Obviously there is somthing that happens in the male psychi around that eary first trimester - either that or it was MY hormones changing my perspective on the world too?

He still doesn't talk to or about the baby itself much, and doesn't offer many opininons, but he is more open and honest in general - we have more frank discussions about the way pregnancy has affected us, what we both think of the whole concept of being 3 not 2 in a few weeks time and that sort of thing. The type of talking that just wasn't happening at all earlier on.

Thanks to everyone who replied to my question - we both really appreciated learning how 'normal' we are

Kat

[Eleni's Mum]

I'm so happy for you both!

I use to try and get my dh to 'talk' to th ebump and he would say - talk about what? I think until they can actually see them and the baby responds back then often it is difficult.

Have fun and let us know when your wee one enters this world!

Jenni

[Nikki_B]

My situation was a little different. I lived three hours away from my partner because neither of us had previously been willing to give up our jobs. Anyway. I found out I was pregnant, told him and his reply was "Now you HAVE to move in with me!". Once I moved in with him in Tamworth he stopped talking about the baby completely. Wouldn't listen when I was trying to update him on our baby's progress.

4 months later we moved back to Singleton to be with our families. He hated that because everyone wanted to know what was happening, if he wanted a boy or a girl, etc. The only thing he would say was "I want a girl" and then leave the room.

At my 36 week ceck up my doctor told me the baby's head was engaged and you know what? BANG he was a completely different person and I thought I was going through a nesting stage. Well, he dragged me from one end of town to the other that same day while we picked up all the things we didn't have for her.

What I'm trying to say is things always have a habit of working out. I found the best thing was to chat with my friends for hours and just tell my bf what he wanted or needed to know. Once his baby girl was born he was ecstatic. Now whenever they have the chance they are both inseperable!