"I don't have a daddy"!

[webangel]

DS told me last night that his friend has a mummy and a daddy and he (my son) doesn't have a daddy. Now, he DOES talk to his father on the phone, although not that frequently as he moves often. He also hasn't seen him more than twice since July last year...

He calls him daddy though.. so I'm curious why he said he doesn't have one?

I seperated from my ex when DS was just 8 mths old... so he hasn't known anything different. He wasn't upset about it, just stated it.

Thoughts, comments, please! :)
Angel

[webangel]

Hi, thanks for replying.... would you say that your relationship with your father adversly affected you (or future relationships) then? Would you have prefered he be more involved? Should I try and make that happen for my son?

Thanks :)

[bishmum]

I am in sort of the same boat! My son is 4 and a half and talks about his dad all the time. He hasn't seen him since July last year and hasn't spoken to him on the phone for about 3 months. He came home from pre school last month and asked "Mummy, how come I don't have a daddy?".:( WOW, talk about sad! I explained to him that he does have a daddy but that his daddy lives in the city and he is really busy but tries to see him when he can. My ex left when my son was 14 months old so my boy doesn't know any different either. I think they see most of their friends who have both parents and wonder why they only live with their mum! It's so hard dad's aren't around and we are the ones who have to do all the explaining about why they aren't here!

I think I've waffled away from the subject! :ecomcity:

[the_queen]

Hi Angel,

I think it could possibly be more of a "my home situation is different to my friend's home situation" type statement. Sometimes as adults we read more into a child's words than they really mean.
EG Child asks "mummy where did i come from?" - mum launches into a huge lecture about eggs, tadpoles, special cuddles, miracle of pregnancy etc etc - and child says "um, OK, but Jimmy says he came from Woollongong. Where did I come from?" :D
I would say that if he talks to his dad on the phone and refers to him as "daddy" then perhaps him saying "i don't have a daddy" is just because he doesn't have a daddy at his house. I know how stressful being a single mum can be, worrying about the future effects on a small child :hugs: I'm sure you're doing a fabulous job, and you deserve lots of applause for being a wonderful mummy :yelclap: :yelclap:

[webangel]

Actually, when my son made the comment, I didn't do or say anything. I was somewhat shocked.... and was curious of other single mum's experiences...

I only asked about the future relationships since an adult who grew up without the father responded.... sort of like, the other side of the coin.
I'm not stressing yet. I'm of the opinion that, despite the courts saying my son has a right to know him, I would prefer he just go away and leave my son alone... as he's not a very good person and role model! And before ppl say I knew what he was like... I truly didn't know the extent of the lies, deceit, theft, abuse... I still learn new things about him 3 yrs after walking out!:(

The evil in me was almost happy he said it! My ex has seen my son just twice since July last year... and he sits there and blames me for it! :banghead: He's actually had nearly 3 yrs now to do an anger management course and a parenting course which he agreed to do... so that he could move from supervised to non-supervised access.

[Veritas]

I hear ya webangel on not necessarily knowing what a person's true character is like until it comes to the crunch of it....

My ex has had basically nothing to do with me since early in the pregnancy, but due to all the arguments he had he showed his true colours, and level, or lack of any maturity whatsoever....

He also revealed just how many times he lied to me, without meaning to let me know, yes he really is that stupid.... I was shocked, I knew of a few little white lies, but the more we argued, the more flaws appeared in his stories... and his lack of true morality and values was amazing! It's incredible how much one person can pretend to be someone they are not... with me, what you see is what you get!

Now I'm sort of glad he is staying away, he is not the type of person I would want in my life, let alone my child's!

[loopi1]

The father of my DS took off the day I told him I was pregnant and he has had nothing at all to do with him. My DS is 2 and he has never seen, spoken or touched his father and visa versa.

I am dreading the day my DS asks me about his father as I do not know what to say. His father hasn't spoken to me since the day I told him, so I don't know why he doesn't want anything to with him. So intern I have no reasons to give my child as to Why???

I know my DS will oneday come home and mention those words " Why don't I have a daddy" It will break my heart to tell him and I know it will break his heart and thats what upsets me. :crying: Boy I'm getting upset now so I will stop :ecomcity:

I suppose the best thing to do is tell them the truth.

[webangel]

Kristy:

When we went to court they did get a child rep appointed... my lawyer asked for it actually... cos it looks at the childs best interests rather than either parent... so you end up with 3 parties going to court. We also had to see someone and give our versions of our relationship and our child... we were watched interacting with the child, etc... and a "family report" was produced for the court/judge. Thankfully we didn't go right through court... we were able to get consent orders. But they were made when my son was about 15 mths old? Can't even remember... he's 3 1/2 now! There's nothing in the orders regarding school years... Anyways, you'd HOPE they get as much information as possible when a judge has to decide! :o

Karrie:

It amazes me how stupid my ex obviously thinks I am too... I just laff now, the excuses he comes out with are ludicrous!

When I left, I found out alot. It was upsetting to learn how much he was lying behind my back when I was with him. He apparently told my parents that he was already backrupt... despite my repeated conversations with him about when we might be able to buy a house, etc... He STILL denies that! He told MY friends that we'd be set once he got me a job... in other words, he wasn't about to get one!

Oh! and a classic... he went to work once (yeah that lasted maybe 4 wks!)... and was skiting to his mate how he hid smokes from me under the dash of the car (cos he wouldn't even admit to smoking tho he wreaked of it every day!)... only the "mate" was talking to his mate and told him... but his mate happened to be my friends husband! He told his wife, and she told me! *LOL*:shame:


Loopi:

Turth or lies? It's hard to know what to do...

My plan is to *gag*... tell my son that his father does love him and did want him (we were married and planned him)... but that we couldn't live together anymore. Maybe my ex does love him in his own way? Maybe he just doesn't have a clue how to show it or be a father?

I think our children will realise for themselves what their fathers are like... children aren't stupid... they see things for what they are most of the time. I see my role in that as being there to counter act the negative effects of such a relationship with his father.

If nothing else, I don't want for my son to grow up thinking he wasn't wanted and loved. I am the result of one night between my parents that has produced a 29 yr long "marriage" of fighting, abuse, virtual hatred, yet they ARE still together (co-dependent). I was born 2 wks after they married. I felt that I was the reason for such a bad marriage and had/have emotional issues as a result.

Have you tried to contact your sons father again since he was born? Just that, if you have, you can tell that honestly to your son when he is bigger... so he doesn't blame you somehow for keeping them apart?

For now though, take each day as it comes me says! :o

[loopi1]

Hi Webangel,

I tried getting my DS father involved for over a year and heard nothing. The last time I tried was to invite him to his son's 1st bday, when he didn't show I gave up. I keep DS father's parents up to date with photo's and emails. They sent him a bday card for his 2nd bday, it's just his father that wont do anything.

He has asked his parents not to be involved either but I think his mum can't help herself though it's a little tense, at least she acknowledges him. His father is between a rock and hard place, they don't want to go against Their son's wishes but DS is their Grandson.

I'm not going to waste anymore time on DS father :banghead:

[webangel]

Well you have made every effort and given him every opportuntiy... his loss. Good to hear his mother is invovled in at least a small way. I email my ex's parents too (admittedly through their friends email as they don't have it) but these days they don't even acknowledge the emails or my son.

[loopi1]

Too right his loss.

Don't know how I will feel if he comes onto the scene later on but I'll cross that bridge when/ IF it happens.