Is this just a hormonal thing?????

[porridgeforbreakfast]

I think I may be going slightly insane because I am thinking about doing something slightly silly which maybe means I am not going insane because I know its a silly thing to do.

I had a termination just over 2 weeks ago. Was a very hard thing to do. I already have 1 child who is 8 who I had on my own. I dont have a partner as such but I have a friend who I have been seeing for nearly a year and he was the sperm donor as such. He is a completely different culture to me and is already married but separated but cultural issues mean he cant really get divorced. Anyway it would be a messy relationship if we wanted to move in together or anything like that and so obviously wont ever happen. So for 3 weeks or so I thought about keeping it/getting rid of it over and over again. He was happy in whatever I did but towards the date of the termination decided that it would be better and easier and simpler if we did go ahead with the termination. My parents thought the same. I was overcome by morning sickness and the thought of it going within 24 hours was a slight deciding factor (some of us show such little will to live dont we!!).

Anyway to cut a long story short I do now regret going ahead with it somewhat. I didnt have a problem with raising it on my own financially or anything like that and having done it before on my own it doesnt really bother me being slightly unconventional in the least. I think I may have worried about everyones elses thoughts on it a little too much. We had picked out names for it and all which sort of makes it worse.

I had a mirena put in although on the day I initially didnt want anything but changed my mind a bit later thinking that I really dont want to be here again in 6 months time because that wouldnt look good really.

My problem apart from crying every day wishing I had just gone with what I wanted is that I am so incredibly clucky and all I can think about is having a baby now. I want the mirena out. I have sort of voiced this to friend/sperm donor except the mirena removal bit and his thing is to get through this year (new house being built/fellowship exams) and maybe seriously consider having one next year although really relationship status would not have changed at all.

Is it normal to feel clucky and be thinking of just getting knocked up again anyway????? The sensible part of me (which is the part really i suppose that made the termination decision) says to wait 6 months and then see. But my body says (and this includes my heart) it wants a baby now, this year, pronto.

Is this a normal reaction?

[Tam-I-Am]

I think its probably less a hormonal thing, and more a part of a grieving process. You've lost a lot - and (please don't take this the wrong way - I don't mean to make it sound like a judgment, I just don't know how else to say it!) done it to yourself, which often brings about feelings of guilt and shame too - even if you previously felt there was nothing to feel guilt or ashamed about, yanno?

Its still early days yet - but I really would recommend seeing somebody (ie a psychologist) for some grief counselling.

:hugs: to you - I hope you find some peace and healing :hugs:

[porridgeforbreakfast]

Tam-I-Am

I think you are right about the grieving process. If I think about it though I dont think I actually feel any guilt or shame I just feel emptiness really.

I was told and counselled before hand that us women that have had children often take it harder then maybe someone who doesnt have children as yet although I would think this is fairly generalised and everyone has different reactions.

I have been for a counselling session post follow up a few days back where the grief issue was raised and it was suggested there needs to be some sort of symbolic letting go. I just feel this is slightly over the top and I dont think would achieve anything.

The thing that is foremost on my mind at the moment is getting rid of this mirena. Its like all I can think about. It sort of feels at this moment that it is taking away my choice about my own fertility. Which is probably a good thing really because I dont think it is wise to let me loose near any actively swimming sperm at the moment!

[c38]

:hugs:

I really don't know for sure not having been in your postion, but I think it's probably a mix of hormons and grief.

When I was considering termination, it was because the situation wasn't right...but I still had an overwhelming sense of wanting/ needing to have a baby now that I had finally got pregant.

I reasoned that I would terminate this baby due to the relationship situation, and then go and pay for a donor sperm insemination.

Prior to my surprise conception, I was an independant single woman who had always dreamed of one day having a child but only in the context of a relationship. I have friends who have had donor conceptions as single women, and whilst happy for them, I only wanted a baby..'if there was going to be someone there to hand it to in the middle of the night"

I guess what I am saying is that I think it was part hormonal.. that once I got pregnant, I had an overwhelming NEED/WANT to have a child, and like I say...if I had terminated I was determined that I would then go on to try for a donor conception. Who knows if I would have or not, or if it was just the pregnancy hormones.

I think your friend/partner is being sensible in saying give yourself time to decide what you really want, not affected by homones and less so by grief. Try and think of your implant as a tool not to "control" your fertility, but to give you space to ensure that next time you are in a better position to do what your mind and body is now urging you to do. Maybe tell yourself you'll wait another 2 weeks, then a month..etc and see how you go. And get some more counselling as well. Maybe from someone else if he other ones suggestions didnt sit well with you. There's a new mental health intiative where your GP can refer you for counselling and you get so many sessions fully medicare refunded.

Rememeber your body is still healing, so it would be good to wait a while anyhow.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[porridgeforbreakfast]

Hi c38

Thanks for your words of advice. Its nice to have someone reply who has recently been in a similar quandry over what to do.

Since writing this post a friend who works for a counselling service lent me a book from one of the counsellors called "giving sorrow words". I have only just started to read it but it does make some reference to the "atonement child" or the "replacement child". So at least I know I am not the first person to have such an overwhelming need to have a child following a termination.

I have found myself to be incredibly angry at everyone around me over the last few weeks aswell. I took a sickie from work today because where I work it is expected I smile and put up with everyone elses **** and its nearly impossible for me to do that at the moment. I asked for some leave from work but apparently we are too short staffed at the moment.

Funny thing you should mention about donor conceptions. The counsellor I saw last week suggested that if I really felt the need to parent alone it might be an option. Personally I cant see myself being in a realtionship and parenting with someone else.

So a part of me wants to get rid of the mirena and get pregnant to current friend but the nice part of me thinks that would not be a nice thing to do to him really or his family for that matter.

oh what to do what to do????
Taking the sensible advice and getting through the next few weeks with mirena insitu and then going from there.

Good luck with your pregnancy. I am slightly envious I am not in your position!

:hugs:

[porridgeforbreakfast]

Just an update into my emotional state for anyone remotely interested (I somehow feel better putting it down in writing here).

Am booked in to have mirena taken out early next month. Then I think I will feel more in control of me.

Also have come around to the realisation that maybe the termination was how it was meant to be in the greater scheme of things. I think the really positive thing to come out of it is that now I am really quite sure that I do want another child. When I was pregnant I was not 100% sure and I suppose if I had kept going with the pregnancy I maybe would not have enjoyed it as much as I should if I was still ambivalent towards having another child.

All is not lost afterall!!

[Mums5Kids]

IVe just found out that I'm pregnant, with number 5, Iam currently dealing with an x husband and custody over my 3 kids, and have a 10mth old with my ew partner. This baby wasnt planned but its not unwanted on my part, although my dp wants to terminate because he thinks five kids would be too much stress. How do I convince him to change his mind? How can I reson with him? I think that both of us are responsible for our actions. I had a m/c and termination both in 05 within 6 months of eachother and didnt handle either well at all. I know my family will freak out but its my life and this will definaltley be the last baby after this one I will get my tubes tied. Someone please help.

[Me]

IVe just found out that I'm pregnant, with number 5, Iam currently dealing with an x husband and custody over my 3 kids, and have a 10mth old with my ew partner. This baby wasnt planned but its not unwanted on my part, although my dp wants to terminate because he thinks five kids would be too much stress. How do I convince him to change his mind? How can I reson with him? I think that both of us are responsible for our actions. I had a m/c and termination both in 05 within 6 months of eachother and didnt handle either well at all. I know my family will freak out but its my life and this will definaltley be the last baby after this one I will get my tubes tied. Someone please help.

Hun, I'm not sure what to say, just wanted to send some :hugs: