I think my brother is cutting himself..what do I do???

[sweetsecret]

Ok, I really need some advice...

My mum and I think my brother may be cutting himself.

A little while ago I noticed a cut down his wrist and I jokingly said 'did you try and cut your wrist' and he said 'no, I slipped when I was making lunch' and that was that.
On Friday we went out and at lunch I noticed 5 or 6 cuts down his wrist. I said what's that all about and he said he fell over out the front and scraped it on the corner of the brick wall. I said about the last time and he just laughed. I just stared at him with an 'I'm on to you buddy haha' kind of look and he laughed and said 'now I'm self conscious!'
I mentioned it to my DH when I got home and he said I was being silly. I didn't think of it again.

Then this morning my mum came over to go out with me and DD and she said 'I have to tell you something, I feel sick, I think you already know' and then told me she thought he was cutting himself.
She asked him about his wrist and he told her the same thing. She was mucking around saying 'what, are you doing it on purpose' etc etc and he was laughing and saying yeah right.
The next morning she got up and there was a few drops of blood on the floor downstairs. She asked him if he'd hurt himself last night and he said no so she just assumed it was Dad.

When my dad got home (she hasn't said anything to him) he went upstairs and said to my brother 'how many fingers did you cut off last night, haha' as he'd found bloody tissues. My brother told him he'd had a nose bleed.

So mum went upstairs after dad was gone and said 'you lied' and he was laughing and said I did have a nose bleed.

So now mums all worried she's going to find him in his room or something IYKWIM

What should we do?????

[Lollie86]

I used to be a self harmer when I was a teenager and the worst thing would be when people would ask me jokingly about the cuts on my arm when I first started. It got so bad that I started wearing long sleeve tops even in summer so no one would know. This went on for so many months, I think it was close to a year before I stopped.

I think if he isnt worried about people seeing them then either he is telling the truth and they have all been accidents or he just doesnt care what anyone thinks about him doing it.

It sounds like if he is hurting himself then it is definately a cry for help. Instead of jokingly asking him about the cuts, maybe pull him aside and have a chat to him and let him know that your concerned about him and that you love him and want to help him if he needs it. I know thats all I wanted when I was hurting myself.....

Is he a a lot younger then you? Do you know if anything has happened recently that could have triggered this?

If all else fails, maybe suggest counselling?

[fifipirko]

Talk to him .. explain what it is (self harming I mean) and try to get him to get professional help. Good luck, hope he will figure out soon what bothers him and stop self harming himself.

[bubbleyblossom]

I also used to be a self harmer, but nobody said anything to me about it.
What I can suggest is the same as lollie said, instead of mucking around talk to him about it, dont accuse him of doing it, just ask him if he needs to talk about anything. It could turn out that it has been accidental, but it also could not, he needs to know you are there for him.

[sweetsecret]

Nothing has happened recently that I know of. he's been looking for a job for about 18 months but I didn't think that was really bothering him, he's still at home so no rent or bills or anything. Although he's a bit peeved that he never gets a response back when he applies for a job. Dad's kind of been putting the pressure on about it but nothing major, he doesn't really understand why its taking so long to find something.

Also mum said he had a big square bandaid on his wrist yesterday. He said it was because she kept looking at it.

I'm seeing him tomorrow so I'll try and have a chat with him about it.

[bubbleyblossom]

There are warning bells going off in my head now hun. If I noticed someone looking at my cuts, I'd cover them with a bandaid and use the same excuse. How old is your brother?

[HelenHasTwins]

I would be trying to contact a kids help line or crisis centre...how old is he, is he a EMO or hang out with EMO's ( does he dress a bit different) as I have heard self harming is popular with EMO's ? God knows why?

I just goggled the information below, I think you should take this serious and try to talk to him or ring the help lines yourself and see what they suggest.....



Why do people start harming themselves?

Self-harming can be a way that people deal with feelings of:

helplessness, despair and low self-esteem
anger, loneliness, shame and guilt
not having control over their life
being 'out of it' – so the only way to feel 'real' is to cause physical pain to themselves. Some self-harm is related to severe emotional pain. When people have experienced abuse or violence, it often re-appears as emotional pain in later life. Some people have said that:

When they hurt themselves physically, it helps take away the emotional pain.
Self-harm makes internal pain visible on the surface. It is showing that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
Self-harm is a way that people punish themselves for something. People who harm themselves...

may have difficulty expressing their feelings verbally
may dislike themselves and their bodies
may do it because of difficulties with relationships
may do it because of mental health issues such as depression, anxiety or stress. It is important to understand that whatever the reason for self-harming behaviour, there are more positive ways of dealing with the troubling feelings.






I hope you get the help you need to help your brother:hugs:

[Briswegian]

You can get a referral through a gp to see a qualified psychologist (thorugh medicare) specially trained to help with self harm.
Just speak to your brother from your heart and offer and ear.
Good luck:hugs:

[Lollie86]

:iagree: with everything Helenwantsabub just posted. I didnt feel any physical pain when cutting and it was a way of me expressing bc I was going through depression.

Definately speak to him tomorrow. If he is having trouble finding a job and has your dad on his back about it, it could be depressing him and this is his way of getting out his frustrations. What if you suggest helping him look for a job? Get online with him and look together? It could get his motivation up.

[susmamma]

If he's letting you and others see the cuts, he's calling out for help.

Please sit down with him and organise for him to talk to a therapist (you can get a referal from a gp).

We all go through phases where we cant cope and we do things that make it easier to find control in our chaotic lives. Self harmers are finding a way to exert control over their lives. Obviously cutting yourself, burning yourself or starving yourself are increadably toxic and unproductive methods.

He needs to find someone he can trust so he can let go some of the anger or stress or depression he is feeling. Talking it out and getting help is paramount.

Dont panic, he's showing you his cuts so it means he's ready to get help.
Good luck xx

[Love My Bub]

As a former self harmer myself I would sugest that you get on top of this now.

I used to cut to release pain and frustration. For years I would loose controll of my emotions but I never knew why.

There was a feeling that would build inside me and I could feel it moving up in my throat. When I would cut the feelings would be released and I would feel calm and free.

He needs to know that you are there not to judge him, but to help him. It's a hard topic to give advice on as each person is different with their reasons for why they cut but I can definatly say he has some form of depression or bi-polar (which is what I have)

It could be an outward cry for help although when people are using self harm as a way of seeking help because they cant ask for it themselves they will generally tell someone that they are going to do it, or will use self harm as a threat. They also dont cover up or try to hide their cuts......

He definatly needs help and fast before this gets any worse.

I would sit him down and just tell him you are worried about him and let him know you are there for him. If he wont seek help himself with your support I would strongly sugest that your parents interveen and have something done.

I really hope he gets the help he needs. :hugs:

[Teley]

If he's letting you and others see the cuts, he's calling out for help.
That could be true. I remember I used to self-harm, and a few times I told my boyfriend because I wanted it to stop. I used to do it becuase there was pain I felt that was emotional that i just coulnd't express so I had to make it physical.
I don't know why other people self harm, there could be many other reasons, but i suggest you go see a therapist with him; just make sure he is happy with the therapist, and he knows you're not judging him. It's a very hard line between not being too pushy, and not letting go on, it's hard to explain...
The only reason I stopped cutting myself and setting myself on fire was when I fell pregnant and was afraid DOCS would find out and take my baby away or I'd harm my baby in some way...It was just like realising life means more than cutting yourself, I guess I kind of stopped being as self-centred, IYKWIM, I hope that didn't come out in a mean way...
I wish your brother all the best and I hope he heals soon.

[sweetsecret]

thanks for all the replies guys :hugs:

I'll definately be talking to him tomorrow about it.

He's 23 and I wouldn't call him an emo, he did dye his hair black about 4 years ago but that was so it would match his eyebrows, lol. He is into kinda alternate type music and anime cartoons but I wouldn't say emo.

It just seems so unlike him but I guess thats what everyone says. He doesn't appear to be depressed on the outside but who really knows whats going on inside.

I never realised there were so many people that did this. Its kind of made me feel a bit better in a way about approaching the whole thing. I knew bubhub was the place to ask :)

[sandy_1902]

:iagree: with the other ladies talk to him about it. let him no you are there for him and that you wont judge im on ANYTHING he says etc. just that you love him and worried about him

[metalhead713]

As a former self harmer myself I would sugest that you get on top of this now.

I used to cut to release pain and frustration. For years I would loose controll of my emotions but I never knew why.

There was a feeling that would build inside me and I could feel it moving up in my throat. When I would cut the feelings would be released and I would feel calm and free.

He needs to know that you are there not to judge him, but to help him. It's a hard topic to give advice on as each person is different with their reasons for why they cut but I can definatly say he has some form of depression or bi-polar (which is what I have)

It could be an outward cry for help although when people are using self harm as a way of seeking help because they cant ask for it themselves they will generally tell someone that they are going to do it, or will use self harm as a threat. They also dont cover up or try to hide their cuts......

He definatly needs help and fast before this gets any worse.

I would sit him down and just tell him you are worried about him and let him know you are there for him. If he wont seek help himself with your support I would strongly sugest that your parents interveen and have something done.

I really hope he gets the help he needs. :hugs:
:iagree: Unfortunatly I used to do this too. I still have many scars on my arms that people always ask me what they are. If it wasnt for my mother noticing the cuts under my jumper one day and confronting me about it I am not sure how far it would have gone.

eta. people dont always cut out of depression or the likes however, sometimes I used to do it just for 'somthing to do' and it was seen as 'cool' by some people. I honestly at times was just testing my pain tollerence.. but when I cut too deep one day and bled LOTS I got really scared, this and my mum finding out prompted me to stop.

[WorkingClassMum]

All I could suggest is that if you can't get him to talk, maybe he might talk to your hubby? I think all the other posts have covered anything else I could add

But here's a few:hugs::hugs::hugs:for everyone in your family

[SalTheGal]

When they hurt themselves physically, it helps take away the emotional pain.
Self-harm makes internal pain visible on the surface. It is showing that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
Self-harm is a way that people punish themselves for something.


These are all really important and valid points.

I used to self harm by cutting too for the very above reasons.

Everyone has given you really good advice.....

I think the main thing is that to actually admit you are doing it to someone else is a MASSIVE deal....it is openly admitting things are not ok, and the main reason many people cut is so they can forget the internal problems and feel ok. So he may still laugh it off and not want to talk to you....if this is the case just keep being there for him, perhaps google some info and print it out for him to read in his own time (slip it under his door or something unconfronting).

I didn't tell anyone (including DH) until I was well on the way to recovery from depression- and DH made me promise to come to him every time I felt like cutting, it still happens sometimes now, and I am glad I have someone to turn to to stop me from doing it.

The other possibility to consider is that he may not even be 'feeling' anything, cutting may simply be his way to feel good....similar to the way a person may smoke a cigarette- this is harder to overcome cause it is a habit/addiction that needs to be overcome, and often the cutter can't see that it is a problem when it doesn't affect anyone else.

Hope this is somewhat helpful, let us know how you get on. :hugs:

[bubs_and_us]

i used to self harm to make what i was feeling in my head 'real'. the emotional pain i was feeling needed to become physical pain. physical pain feels real. emotional pain is more surreal. cutting was my release. it was my way to be in control.

i wasnt doing it to kill myself. i never attempted suicide. i just needed to feel the pain, and see the cuts.

i covered my cuts up. i used to wear tennis bands on my wrists - i passed it off as the new fashoin to my parents. they believed me. they had no real reason not to - i seemed 'normal' on the outside. but, inside i was dying.

i remember on one of my darkest days, i wrote a monologue (for year 12 TEE drama). i used it as an assessment piece. it was then that my teacher clicked as to what was going on. it took me a long time to admit what i was doing. even without admitting it, i knew that she knew. there was no hiding it from her anymore. she helped me through a lot of things, but to this day, i still have not spoken to my family.

i still have times when i want to cut. if things get hard, i think about cutting again. but i have made a promise to DH that i wont, and im doing my best to keep that promise. it's been 4 years.

your brother needs to know you're there for him. i needed to know someone was there for me. i needed to be caught. im glad my teacher caught me, because i dont know how far i would've taken it.

[sweetsecret]

Well, I talked to my brother yesterday.

he said that he didn't do it and is sticking to the 'I fell over' story. He kept on laughing when I tried to talk to him about it.

He said he didn't tell mum about the nose bleed because he thought it sounded like a cover up as he's never had a nose bleed before.
He also said the fall happened while mum and dad were away, but that was at the begining of december and we've both only noticed it in the last few days.

I want to believe him but those few things just don't seem right.

I said I was there for him if he needed to talk and he said I was being a top sister and if there was a problem he would tell me.

It really doesn't seem like something he would do. He said he's not depressed, he's got nothing to be depressed about.

I guess I'll just keep an eye on him over the next week and make sure no more cuts appear.

[SalTheGal]

I said I was there for him if he needed to talk and he said I was being a top sister and if there was a problem he would tell me.

You have done as much as you can do....and he is right, you are being a top sister! He is lucky to have you, and it sounds to me like if he really needs to reach out, he knows you are there.

Just keep on eye on him, it may have just been an experimental stage, that he is over.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Me]

As a former self harmer myself I would sugest that you get on top of this now.

I used to cut to release pain and frustration. For years I would loose controll of my emotions but I never knew why.

There was a feeling that would build inside me and I could feel it moving up in my throat. When I would cut the feelings would be released and I would feel calm and free.

He needs to know that you are there not to judge him, but to help him. It's a hard topic to give advice on as each person is different with their reasons for why they cut but I can definatly say he has some form of depression or bi-polar (which is what I have)

It could be an outward cry for help although when people are using self harm as a way of seeking help because they cant ask for it themselves they will generally tell someone that they are going to do it, or will use self harm as a threat. They also dont cover up or try to hide their cuts......

He definatly needs help and fast before this gets any worse.

I would sit him down and just tell him you are worried about him and let him know you are there for him. If he wont seek help himself with your support I would strongly sugest that your parents interveen and have something done.

I really hope he gets the help he needs. :hugs:

Couldn't have said it better myself:iagree: