Help... am I crazy

[mum2b1day]

Hi Ladies, I'm new here and I'm not sure if this is the right spot to be posting. I really need some unbiased advice.

:valentine: I've been married to the most patient man in the world for four years, we've been together for eight; he's always wanted to be a young dad and has been clucky for as long as I can remember... the trouble is I'm not!

It's not that I don't ever want children, I'm not overly career focused or anything, it's just that at 25 I don't feel any rush. Most of our friends have children whom we love to pieces but the idea of having our own scares the sh!t out of me... we love kids, are financially stable with good jobs, our own home and some savings and I have no doubt we'll make great parents; my fears are moreso centred around actually being pregnant (crazy hormones, morning sickness, weight gain), giving birth (sounds unpleasant) and the effects on our relationship and lifestyle (and my body, I have stretchmark-phobia).

I love to travel and as a result we've been living in Europe since 2005 and leading a pretty easy life which includes lots of sleep ins and holidays... things I'm sure we take for granted; we're not into partying so hubby seems to think the transition will be easy; he also likes to remind me that if pregnancy was as bad as I fear no one would be having children.

We're moving home to Australia soon, which we're both looking forward to, but at the same time I know that the pressure will be on again from friends and family who think that it's time for me to procreate which drives me insane :mad: (probably more than it should). I sometimes think I should just "give in" but I know that's not exactly the right attitude to have. Hubby say's he'll wait until I'm "ready" (despite regular jokes about tampering with my contraception:rolleyes:) and he's the first to come to my defence when I'm pestered by friends and family but I know he worries that I might never be ready.

I guess what I really want to know is if there are other ladies out there who had a morbid fear of being pregnant/giving birth and how you got past your fears... or alternatively are my fears totally unfounded and am I crazy (seeing so few people understand my position IRL I'm quite open to this possibility :confused:).

Sorry for such a long winded post :eek:

[kittykatz]

Hi Mum2b1day

I think i can relate to you on some levels. For a while i was actually the clucky one and DH was no where near ready.

Then for some reason i became absolutely terrified of the idea of being pregnant and giving birth - and i mean practically having panic attacks at the thought. I hate hospitals, needles etc. So i started to convince myself we were better off without children, i mean we would have $$ and be free to jet off on holidays etc.

That is when DH finally realised how much he wanted children. Then he became the clucky one! That scared me even more - like "eek i might actually have to go through with this birth stuff.."

You know the sad part, I finally started to overcome my fears and we decided to TTC. Unfortunately nearly 2 years later and we are still trying.

I can't really say i am past my fear of birth/pregnancy etc, however my longing to have children has long since overtaken those fears.

Maybe it is your fears also that are tricking you into thinking you don't want children?

[pippi]

I can understand too. While I wasn't scared of birth and preganancy, I was petrified of screwing up my kids. I have a rough time growing up and very difficult relationship with my dad and was scared i would do the same. So I put kids to the back of my mind and travelled, lived life, met DH, got married.

Then close friends started to get pg. Then i would watch them and think maybe i wont be such a bad mum. The one day i woke and went, im ready i want a baby and that feeling got stronger and stronger so we started trying.

The maternal urge happens to everyone at different times and to some people not at all. TTC is a massive commitment in itself, let alone having a baby, so if u are not ready then thats ok! My advice is don't put too much pressure on yourself cause everyone is different and thats what makes the world go round! best of luck
pip:flowerz:

[mummynow]

At 25 years old - married for 4 years, together for 6 years, I came of the pill. We both wanted a child. Neither of us actually wanted pregnancy and child birth - but how else do you get a child :confused:

It took us 20 months to fall pregnant and for the first 30 seconds I was ecstatic......then I was petrified! OMG!! I'm pregnant!! What does this mean to my mind and body?? And then I moved onto OMG! I have to go thru labor & give birth! How, where, when, what, why etc....

The pregnancy bit itself wasn't that scary really (apart from gaining weight, but at least you have a good reason for it!)

I was really, truly scared of giving birth though. After numerouse discussions with my Obstetrician, he agreed to do an elective c/section on a scheduled day at a schedule time. It was all very calm, organised and any pain was controlled by panadeine forte (they tried capadex on me but it sent me La La!!)

I was 28 years old and I recovered very quickly both physically and emotionally because I felt I had complete control over the whole thing.

[kas3]

I don't think you're crazy.

My DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 5 years. We are in our early thirties, and ppl (mostly relatives, but sometimes friends) have been pestering us for years!

I've always wanted children. My DH wasn't sure but over the last five or so years he's changed his mind. But I just kept dragging my feet. I "wasn't ready", "wanted to try and lose weight first" etc. Then I turned 32, and realised "It's now or never!"

But it became glaringly obvious to me that I was fine with the idea of having children (the responsibility, the sacrifices etc.), but I was deathly scared of pregnancy and childbirth.

I decided to "suck it up". We fell pregnant in the second month of trying - much to our surprise - and by the time I was around the 6 week mark I was already getting seriously anxious about the birth - tears, sleeplessness, anger.

Unfortunately, we lost the baby at 8 weeks. I was absolutely devastated. We both were. It really hit home that I wanted to be a mum.

I spoke to my gp not long before we decided to try again. She was great. She didn't make me feel stupid or pathetic. We talked through a lot of stuff. And she suggested I may like to consider an elective c-section. I felt like a huge weight had been taken from my shoulders. I actually had a CHOICE.

I don't know if I will go ahead with an elective c-section. (We're pregnant again - only early, 5 weeks.) I'd like to try some counselling first to see if a natural birth is possible for me. However, given that just typing "natural birth" made me queasy, I don't know how successful it will be. I don't have a lot of self-confidence IYKWIM. And I think that is a big factor.

regards
kas

[mummynow]

Hi Kas3 :wave: I was really relieved to read your post just above. I can completely relate to your emotions there :hugs:

[IVFcrazylady]

I have been clucky for AGES!!!! YEARS even. :rolleyes:
My poor dh never wanted kids until i stepped into the equation. Now he turns around every day and thanks me for wanting children with him and to start TTC early......cause we BOTH have issues with re producing. I dont cycle and he doesnt have many sperm and even less that are good! Soooooo for us, me being sooooo excited about ttc and having a baby was a blessing in discuise because now we are in our early 20's and going through ICSI (complex IVF).
I really hope you have an easy time making your mind up about ttc.

I hope and know you will find sooooo much happiness and joy on bubhub! It is a truly wonderful place!
:hugs:

[benji's_mum]

You don't sound like you are ready to start a family yet and theres nothing wrong with that. You need to do it in your own time otherwise you could end up resentful. Being a parent is a hard slog and you need to be 100% committed.

I grew up telling family that I was never going to have children (half serious). Didn't want the responsibility and was terrified at the idea of giving birth. I fell pregnant by accident and just went with the flow. Now my DS is here I couldn't imagine life without him.

Goodluck to you. When the time comes give it all you've got.

[sloaney]

You know there's nothing wrong with thinking 'I'm scared of losing control of my body, the responsibility of growing a child - and I'm scared of the pain of childbirth.'

I've found it is hard to voice these thoughts because a lot of women can brush them off or imply that you should be tough enough to withstand what your body goes through with only feelings of joy, never fear or even terror. I'm still finding it hard to say 'I'm scared of giving birth and frankly don't want to at all' mainly because I feel a bit bullied by some people about voicing an opinion that goes contra to the happy natural birth ideal.

:ecomcity: sorry if that makes no sense. To Mum2b1day not everyone will understand your feelings but certainly some of us can empathise. Most of my childless friends think it's strange that I would have a happy family thing going on in my mid-20s - no way are they giving up their sweet lifestyle yet. And frankly, some days I don't blame them - they have more money, more freedom, extremely enjoyable times.

But hey, when my kids are at uni their kids (if they can have them) will be getting dropped off at primary school ;) Something to think about?

[MellyMumma]

Hi :wave:

Life throws us many a challenge. Parenting (all aspects) is one of the major ones. Challenge goes hand in hand with fear. Knowledge is power and power = no fear!!!

(hmmm cheesy but true)

Pregnancy is a very special and wonderful time. Sure theres a lot of stuff like ms, cankles, weight gain and the list goes on. BUT all these things don't happen to everyone. You may get none, some or all of the above. I was lucky to have wonderful pregnancies with no major hassels - did have antibodies but was monitored with blood tests. There a special milestones in pregnancy like ultrasounds where you get to see your baby, the first time you hear that little heart beating - wonderful!!!

Birth is what you make it most of the time. You have so many choices natural or caesarian, loads of drugs to ease the pain or totally numb you. There's also loads of natural ways to go about it as well like hypnotherapy etc. Some births need intervention.

The best thing for you to do is research. Read up on the preg mags, read other peoples stories the good as well as the bad and if you still don't feel convinced then maybe consider adoption or surrogacy.

I wish you every bit of luck on your journey and make the decision thats right for you and your partner. :hugs: